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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 year old's Birthday 'Gift' from Ex

101 replies

GallowayESS · 12/09/2018 03:41

Please can anyone advise as this is keeping me awake. It was my DD 6th b'day last week.

Ex has a very well paid job, nice transport, mortgage, just returned from a holiday in Far East for 3 weeks, binge alcoholic sort of thing. Ex never sees DD, point blank refuses. Day to day we get on just fine, we simply ignore each other but polite if required. This year he had a disagreement with me over the child maintenance service, wants 'family based' arrangement at much less than Direct Pay. I refused. Child maintenance has gone up also following review.

My thing is, DD's Grandad (Ex's Dad) kindly dropped a card and money in for her birthday - £100. Ex posted a card and money - £40.

I was so embarrassed and crushed for her when she saw. I wished I had known before hand. She may only be 6 but she knows £100 from Grandad is way more than £40 from her Dad. She knows she is in a very fortunate and lucky position to receive such any gift of money, but I had to hide my disappointment for her. Ordinarily he has given her £100 in the past for both xmas and birthdays, so it looks glaringly obvious to me, that he's done this due to our disagreement. He doesn't put any money away in a bank account for her or anything like that either.

I'm a wall flower by nature, and dont normally backfire about anything. But this has really bothered me. Im trying to figure out the words to put in 1 blunt text to him what he has done and that I had to make excuses for him.

He has 1 other Daughter from a previous who is 16 (and probably gets gifted most weeks at her age) and a son who is 24, two grandchildren and my DD.

Am I right in considering saying something - or am I being unreasonable ?

TIA

OP posts:

user139328237 · 12/09/2018 07:29

Even double the CMS minimum fir someone on a decent salary is more than enough for a savings pot to be created for the child. Obviously if you choose not to work so are not financially contributing it would be tougher but that is your choice and nothing to do with him.
You really can't complain about the amount of money he gave her.

Petalflowers · 12/09/2018 07:31

What are you embaressed about? They are both generous presents, and are gifts. I think the correct response is ‘thank you’, not ‘give me more’.

Alwaysadramaaa · 12/09/2018 07:32

My little boy is 6 shortly. He wouldn’t have a clue which was the greater amount. Your reading too much into the situation

PinkAvocado · 12/09/2018 07:38

I think some people on here are nasty just for the sake of it. You, OP, are not coming across as greedy or money obsessed.

Her dad normally gives £100 and this time gave £40. Of course a 6 year old will see they have been given less than usual and wonder why, especially when there is a direct comparison of her Grandad’s generous gift. It’s not the amount, it’s the reduction.

I think he has done this to get a reaction from you so I wouldn’t give it. I’d not brush your dd’s feelings aside - if she says she’s sad I’d ask why and let her explain. But apart from that I’d focus on what she’d like to spend the money on.

EvaHarknessRose · 12/09/2018 07:41

Think about it, she needs to be let down gently over the next ten years about having an unreliable father, especially one who doesn’t see her. So this IS a gift, in a way.

I wouldn’t ever react, emotionally or otherwise, to ‘tactics’ like this. But I would also not make him out to be something amazing in her eyes, or fix it.

nicebitofquiche · 12/09/2018 07:42

YABU. I'd be more worried that my 6 year old was disappointed with £40. What on earth have you said to make her think that's not enough. It's a perfectly reasonable amount for a birthday and the £100 was very very generous.

Bigmomma88 · 12/09/2018 07:43

£40 is a lot for a 6year just be grateful he gave anything at all if he hardly ever sees her.

ivykaty44 · 12/09/2018 07:44

It is nothing to do with you what gift your dd received from her father - even at 6 it’s their relationship and not yours.

You cannot control his actions but you can choose how you react

Don’t react

Desmondo2016 · 12/09/2018 07:46

If she has picked up any negativity at all from this then that's down to you not him I'm afraid. You were CRUSHED?!!! Just lead by example and stop having any expectations of your dead end ex.

RedSkyLastNight · 12/09/2018 07:48

I'm with others. The gift from grandad is overly generous rather than the one from ex being less so.

My in-laws always spent way more on the DC on birthdays/Christmas when they were little. Never realised this meant other than that they enjoyed buying for the DC.

Littlepond · 12/09/2018 07:48

A cash gift is impersonal and shows no thought or care and that’s would bother me, but I think the value is fine. I wouldn’t spend more than £40 on a six year olds present, and that is from both DH and I! £40 per parent is definitely enough and not a stingy gift, I think Grandad’s was over generous. My kids get a tenner from their grandparents!

enbh · 12/09/2018 07:53

I'm confused...are you saying that £40 is not an appropriate amount for a 6 year old? Is that what you are crushed and embarrassed about?

If not I apologise if ive misread but surely that's not a small amount of money. Madness.

ponderingonthings · 12/09/2018 07:54

I get it OP

But DD won't. My almost 6 year old doesn't know which is bigger if he sees cash

Your DD won't be thinking through your lens and adding it all up

Just say how lovely and move on

Some men just can't separate children from disputes with their exes. They're wankers but children are very unassuming and forgiving

Don't say anything to your ex - like a very small child pay bad behaviour no attention whatsoever and let him gradually realise he is fully and solely accountable for how he treats DD regardless what goes on now

It's not about the money, its about the message behind it but just keep quiet - your DD won't know unless you make it obvious your upset by it or think on it this deeply

Powerless · 12/09/2018 07:54

Consider yourself fortunate, my daughter got a £15 Love2Shop voucher from her Dad Xmas 2016 and absolutely nothing ever since!

3luckystars · 12/09/2018 07:58

Sometimes my mother goes bananas and puts loads of money in the birthday cards. She doesn’t love them more than us though.

I’d let it go.

I would be more upset that he is not seeing her at all.

Take care x

Saffy101 · 12/09/2018 07:59

At least he thought of her OP. Mine didn't used to even do that and at Christmas wouldn't spoil Christmas Day with his new family by coming over...2 miles!!! To his young children, would come on Christmas Eve with re wrapped stuff that the other two didn't want, obvious as they are a little younger!!! He is very well off. So NO this is not something to worry about, if you do you might make him retaliate and it would be worse for your DD!

ItsColdNow · 12/09/2018 08:05

£100 is obviously to put away, I imagine if he gave £100 he would assume you had control over spending it or what to do with it. He clearly sees £40 as a gift to her and for her to spend (which is a huge amount) the grandparent has clearly given money to her and for her savings, and I assume granddad doesnt pay maintenance so it’s kind and a different situation.
Don’t project your bizarre interpretation of the situation on to a 6 yr old. She’s been remembered and that’s what counts. I’d send him a picture of what she chooses with daddy’s money, and her big smile.
Life’s too short.

PinkAvocado · 12/09/2018 08:10

ENBH it’s the fact he is being difficult, doesn’t see her, is trying to lower what he pays then gives her dd a lot less than usual. It’s not the monetary amount, it’s the fact he could be giving her dd less to punish her.

AviatorShades · 12/09/2018 08:11

Time you got your girl to make Thank You cards for them both, OP.

PinkAvocado · 12/09/2018 08:11

I simply do not understand the posters saying you and she should be grateful for anything. Such low standards for how to be treated.

category12 · 12/09/2018 08:17

I wouldn't bother raising it with him

You know that he's reduced the amount he's given compared to what he gives normally because of the child maintenance thing. So he's hoping to get a rise from you and to punish you. So don't give him what he wants, just smile and get dd to write her thank you cards.

BlueEyedPersephone · 12/09/2018 08:24

There are two issues here, you need to keep them separate, if he has reduced a present value he has consistently given for six years due to child maintenance issues then that is rubbish. Your daughter at six would only do the comparison in value if you have put in in her head, teaching her that a reduction in cash spend is a measure of affection is wrong and needs to be corrected.
Save half, spend half of both and move on.

Flowerfae · 12/09/2018 08:25

I think £40 is enough really, with the £100 she'll be fine, even if you put some in savings. Our children had a total of £140 for their birthdays this year and it was enough to buy everything they wanted so they were very happy with it.

I don't see my dad, my mum and dad got divorced when I was a baby and he has another family now, I never got anything from him at all. I was fine :)

HiHoToffee · 12/09/2018 08:27

Don't contact him, rise above it. He has done it to spite you, he will give you answere like many posters on here.

Yes £40 is plenty for a 6 year old but that is not the issue here.

ApolloandDaphne · 12/09/2018 08:28

Don't message him as then he will know you are riled. Let it go and get your DD to do thank you cards to him and her GF. Soon she will get the measure of him and if there is no relationship between them anyway she is not losing anything. She is a lucky girl to have £140 to spend.

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