Aibu to ghost a friend over this!

[Crackedvase]

I became friends with a woman through mutual friends. She is witty, smart and I generally have fun with her, and good conversation when we get together.

However, things are not entirely easy and it seems I'm the problem.

She has asked me repeatedly not to swear in front of her, like at all. I'm no sailor but Im passionate and floral in my conversation! I do try to tone it down, out of respect but it has been brought to my attention that even words like crap, bloody, omg, and damn are included

The other issue is booze. I drink very little (mum of 3, can't cope with hangovers) but when we meet its always in the pub (we meet after kids bedtimes) and on the few occasions where I don't order a coffee or coke etc, perhaps getting a wine or g&t, she has again, pointed out that this upsets her as she is teetotal.

My big girl knickers are on ladies.

Have I no respect? Too much? I'm at an age where I don't want to guard my tongue all the time, and cannot see how a drink offends.

A meet up is coming up. Dreading it, and am considering just letting it float away......

She thinks that she would like the person she wants to change you into

Exactly this.

I had a non-friend like the person you describe. It was gradual too, the way she pushed at my boundaries to morph me into somebody acceptable to her standards.

Somebody warned me she didn't seem to like me for me, only for the potential she saw to change me.

I wish I'd listened to them.

I don't see how letting it drift is "ghosting". You can give her your explanation right after she gives you her apology for telling you off and criticising and judging you!

Oh, and she is pushing the "strict Christian" thing at you in her passive aggressive way - once you follow these rules, she'll add a few more, and then you'll quite possibly start getting the invites to join her at church. That's why "omg" is on the list of shocking utterances you aren't allowed to use.

Tell her that bloody Jesus bloke told you to fucking well swear and that the little voice of God in your head says gin is good.

I would have to be honest with her and say whilst you enjoy her company you can only continue the friendship if she accepts you as you are and doesn't continue to criticise you. Then the ball is in her court to alter her judgemental behaviour as opposed to being ghosted.

I'd just be busy and avoid her. if she pushed I might say something. but people like this never take other people's feedback on board I find

Next time you see her and she criticises you, just take a deep breath and say:

"Look, I get that you don't like swearing and I do try to tone it down for you because I respect you. And I certainly don't get drunk around you. But I am who I am, and if this friendship is going to last, you'll have to accept me as I am.

I'm not going to stop having a single drink just because you don't drink, and I'm not going to constantly police my language just because you don't swear. If my occasionally floral language and fondness for a quiet glass of wine is so difficult for you to bear that you can't maintain this friendship, I'll be sad, but I don't insist on you changing your behaviour for me, and I would like the same respect from you."

Be you and let her ghost you if she so desires .

No need to ghost her, just say;

“I’ve been feeling like perhaps we aren’t so compatible as friends. I feel like you aren’t comfortable with the fact that I do things differently to you (swearing/drinking) and I don’t feel like I want to change. I’m quite happy with the way I am but when you comment about my habits or choices, it makes me feel like I’m being judged and I can’t relax and enjoy our time together. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable but if we are going to continue to meet up, you need to accept me as I am and not try to change me. Do you think you can do that?”

She sounds like a maiden auntie

Hey hey hey don’t diss the maiden aunts😂😂

Friends accept you for who you are, not for what they want you to be

Good grief! Doesn’t Christianity also preach tolerance and acceptance? How can you claim to value someone’s friendship and try to impose your own personality like that?That’s not religion or friendship, it’s control or narcissism!!! Sheesh!!!!

Tell.her it offends you when people try and control your behaviour so please.could she stop.

YABU to ghost - it’s nasty and unnecessary. Put your big girl pants on and just explain that’s who you are, can she accept it or would she rather you didn’t go out again?

Category12 and Shamlesslyplacemarking have given you two very good word-for-word sentences that you can use that are neither disrespectful of her sensibilities or passive-aggressive to your own expectations or sensibilities.

Life's too short. Let her go. You don't owe her anything if she's constantly complaining about aspects of your personality
You sound ace.

Don't know why either of you bother

I agree with PP.

You sound great but she sounds like a PITA....

Yanbu what a pain in the fucking arse.

I'd just carry on being you, and let her ghost you! If it's all so intolerable for her.

Funny that she hasn't, and instead continues to seek out your company.

This is entirely her problem. Don't make it yours.

Going back to the OP. If I have understood correctly, she points out your "swearing" - not just big swear words but relatively inoffensive words - WHILE you are talking to her.

You meet in the pub, which she has presumably agreed with, and then she points out that your drinking is upsetting to her. (If she had a done that to me I would have apologised, necked my drink and ordered a triple vodka, but I am childish like that.)

She is very rude, controlling and patronising. I would turn down all future requests to meet up with a "thanks but no thanks" and put a distance between you in group meetings. You know if she was a man everyone would be saying LTB.

Had a 'friend' just like this. Every time we met she had a criticism of something I did, said, ate etc. No joy in her heart.
I keep meeting her out of loyalty. Then one day I replied to her message that the friendship was not working for me. That I felt she didn't like me and misinterpreted so much about me. Wished her happiness......and that was that!!!
She tried a couple more critical (of me) messages. I ignored.
And that was that.
It was a bloody relief!!!
Be around people who make you happy

When she starts moaning at you, lean back, let a silence fall, then look her in the eye and say 'keep judging me and I won't want to spend any more time with you. I don't enjoy this.'

Perfect.

I have a sister like it. Mind you give her a couple of whiskeys whilst smoking my cigarettes..
We can have a giggle

I would just say that this is who you are. You dont expect her to change snd you wont be changing for her. If she can tske you as you are, great, but if not perhaps it's time to focus on other friendships. Doesnt have to be nasty, just honest. She might not like hearing it but she has no right to change you.

She sounds like a Puritan bore. I wouldn't wanna hang out with her either; I mean I like me wine and I'm a total gobshite.