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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ghost a friend over this!

108 replies

Crackedvase · 11/09/2018 19:28

I became friends with a woman through mutual friends. She is witty, smart and I generally have fun with her, and good conversation when we get together.

However, things are not entirely easy and it seems I'm the problem.

She has asked me repeatedly not to swear in front of her, like at all. I'm no sailor but Im passionate and floral in my conversation! I do try to tone it down, out of respect but it has been brought to my attention that even words like crap, bloody, omg, and damn are included Hmm

The other issue is booze. I drink very little (mum of 3, can't cope with hangovers) but when we meet its always in the pub (we meet after kids bedtimes) and on the few occasions where I don't order a coffee or coke etc, perhaps getting a wine or g&t, she has again, pointed out that this upsets her as she is teetotal.

My big girl knickers are on ladies.

Have I no respect? Too much? I'm at an age where I don't want to guard my tongue all the time, and cannot see how a drink offends.

A meet up is coming up. Dreading it, and am considering just letting it float away......

OP posts:
Juells · 11/09/2018 20:05

It's not ghosting to just stop meeting up with someone who's getting on your tits. You're allowed to do that.

Original poster
Crackedvase · 11/09/2018 20:05

Its always just her and me.
Am I the novelty friend?! I am arent I!

Tim Minchin is hilariously wickedGrin

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 11/09/2018 20:07

She sounds like a lot of hard work. I'd just tell her the truth tbh.

subspace · 11/09/2018 20:08

@Marie0 it's when somebody just goes completely non contact without giving any explanation or indication. They just stop replying to messages/don't answer calls etc, and the recipient is left wondering what they've done wrong, IF they've done something wrong, if the other person's tech isn't working, if the other person had been in a horrible accident, etc. It's the not knowing whether to be concerned about them or annoyed with them that's the worst - no closure at all.

category12 · 11/09/2018 20:09

You might be a project. Do you feel improved?

TyrionsNextWife · 11/09/2018 20:09

MrsMozart Grin 'The cuss and quaff' would be an amazing name for a pub Grin

NonaGrey · 11/09/2018 20:10

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask to tone down the swearing tbh, there's all sorts of situations that swearing isn’t appropriate so it’s presumably not that hard. I can also see why a strict Christian won’t like “oh my God”.

However the drinking request is very unreasonable (unless she’s a recovering alcoholic and finds it difficult) She’s meeting you in a pub, alcohol comes with the territory.

Haworthia · 11/09/2018 20:12

Ooh no, I couldn’t stand someone being so sanctimonious with me. Friends are supposed to be fun.

brighteyeowl17 · 11/09/2018 20:13

Sounds judgy, if she doesn’t like you for who you are- not a friend!

Marie0 · 11/09/2018 20:14

Subspace ah right thanks - oh that seems really mean, I would always tell someone if I had a problem with them 😐

0ccamsRazor · 11/09/2018 20:16

I dare you to send her that Tim Minchin song posted by black 😈

MulticolourMophead · 11/09/2018 20:19

OP, you've toned down the swearing, but the alcohol is something else. She can be as teetotal as she likes, she doesn't get to dictate what you do, especially as you're saying you're not having much.

She's expecting you to do all the compromising, without accepting who you are. Does she think that being a Christian, teetotal and non-searing makes her better than you? It doesn't, it's what's in the heart that really counts.

LeftRightCentre · 11/09/2018 20:21

Leave the ball in her court?

Why bother? Just tell her it isn't working for you, a la ivy's suggestion, cut and move on. You're never going to be able to relax with her.

Original poster
Crackedvase · 11/09/2018 20:21

category no, I feel like a dick! Because we do get on so well, and this is just such a bullshit thing to even talk about. But my gut tells me to avoid her so I know it's pissed me off and now I don't want to see her unless she can fucking calm down and just let me be me!

OP posts:
Cloglover · 11/09/2018 20:24

She is a narcissist. And she is controlling. She only wants to be your friend if it's on her terms. She does not accept you for you (and you sound bloody brilliant). I would have no qualms in ghosting if you can't be arsed with an awkward convo. She has brought it on herself.

Original poster
Crackedvase · 11/09/2018 20:26

Fwiw I'm pretty ballsy- if confronted with something big, I go in hard but this has been a slow burn and I've been chicken shit about it.

Im going to leave it, be honest and let her say her piece.

OP posts:
TheFrendo · 11/09/2018 20:27

She sounds like a puritan pain in the arse. Tell her to preach to some one else.

category12 · 11/09/2018 20:34

It's worth saying something. She's had no qualms challenging you about what you do/say, so it's not like there's no precedent.

InionEile · 11/09/2018 20:39

Is she Mormon? Nothing wrong with that but she can't impose her beliefs on you. You have the right to a glass of wine if you feel like it. Her behaviour would be like a vegetarian friend insisting that you refrain from eating meat in her presence.

If it doesn't affect her, she can't dictate to you. Next time you meet up, just tell her that you are enjoying your glass of wine and when she comments on your choice, it makes you feel very judged. Christians are not supposed to judge others, after all - pride is a sin!

DeadDoorpost · 11/09/2018 20:40

I have to ask.. is she a Mormon because I swear as I read this I thought this was my DM you were on about and then remembered she doesn't have a social life thanks to work

I don't swear. I'm teetotal (also Mormon) but have never said anything to friends etc unless using the C bomb constantly. But some people really don't want to be near it. I know some who won't even make colleague tea/coffee. I don't tend to coz I just don't know how. I'll buy them one though.

Let her know how you feel, then see how she reacts. If no compromise can be had then it's up to you what you do.

DeadDoorpost · 11/09/2018 20:41

xPost with @InionEile there lol Grin

SpottingTheZebras · 11/09/2018 20:41

YABU to ghost her but completely reasonable to end the friendship. I’d just say to her what you have said on here and leave it at that.

puppymouse · 11/09/2018 20:42

I genuinely wouldn't have a hope in hell of being friends with someone like that. Wish her well and find some more tolerant friends.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 11/09/2018 20:42

She seems like hard work and very judgemental. You can play her at her own game and quote "Judge not, lest you be judged!" (Matthew 7 (1). Fuck knows how I remember that from school RE lessons!!

To the posters saying why does she go to pubs when she doesn't drink...I don't drink alcohol, but go to pubs. Why wouldn't I? They serve Coke and J20. It's a convenient place for adults to meet. I just don't get arsey if others drink booze. Drop her like a stone OP!

Rudgie47 · 11/09/2018 20:44

I knew it would be a god botherer.
Just tell her if she doesn't like it, she knows what she can do.(F* Off)

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