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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish it wasn't MY kid who is terrified of school?!

85 replies

beyondthebrink · 11/09/2018 14:04

DD started reception this week, she'll be going part time for the next 3 weeks (as per the school's induction process for all reception children). This week she's only going in for 2.5hrs. But we're on day 2 and I already feel like a broken woman.

This morning DD refused to get dressed, took another 40 minutes to put her shoes on, wouldn't get in the car seat and once she was in it, cried all the way to school. Then it took the teacher and T.A to physically pull her off me and into the classroom whilst she was kicking and screaming. I felt like everybody was staring at her/me and I just wanted to run back to my car and cry.

Meanwhile all the other children are skipping into the classroom as if they'd been going there forever, not phased at all.

I'm gutted. :(

{She's been suffering with separation anxiety for a while - her last three months at pre-school we're the same. Refusal, kicking, screaming. So I don't hold much hope that she'll 'be OK in a week or so' which is what everybody keeps telling me.}

I'd love to hear from anybody going through the same or any parents who have 'been there, done that' who can reassure me it does get easier.

OP posts:

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 11/09/2018 15:45

Meanwhile all the other children are skipping into the classroom as if they'd been going there forever, not phased at all.

Remember that some of them WILL have been going there forever. Ds was virtually born on the school run. For a younger sibling school is inevitable and a rite of passage.

Could you try building on her friendships with her classmates. Going to the park as a class after you pick them up or having a few around to play after school. Especially good if you have half days. Once she has some friends she might be keener to go. Also often schools have a buddy system with older children, maybe ask whether your school does that. A carefully selected yr6 child might give her the confidence to go in without you. It is still really early days though so I wouldn't worry too much.

bellinisurge · 11/09/2018 15:54

Our school had a friend system whereby Y6 palled up with little ones. My dd, to be frank, hated it when she was a little one - sadistic teacher "picked " a boy for her knowing she hates boys. However, when my dd reached Y6 herself she really got into it.

pollygreen7 · 11/09/2018 16:08

OP I so sympathise, I've had stress headaches the past two days. DS today was howling as I left and was apparently periodically weeping throughout the day. I'm devastated. It's be a real shock as he loves adult company, is very gregarious but I think he is finding being in the large classroom overwhelming. I'm lost what to do, hopefully it gets better but I feel dreadful.

I've tried everything from I'm sending you kisses, putting kisses in his pocket, encouraging him to go to the TA when he is feeling sad but he just keeps saying he wants me there which tbh I do understand...

DanglyBangly · 11/09/2018 16:11

told us all the times we dragged/ carried / handed him over to a teacher crying /firmly marched him in,have caused his anxieties...and we should never of done it ...

Well, what we’re you supposed to do?! Let him have the day off? Everyday?

That would piss me right off.

TeacupTattoo · 11/09/2018 16:18

@lifeofdreams Reception is what England calls P1. Then they have Y1, Y3,Y3,4,5 and Y6 is last year of primary. Y7 is our S1. Hope that helps.

TeacupTattoo · 11/09/2018 16:22

Has she managed to say anything in particular she is scared of? A particular door or not knowing how to ask about toilets? Did anything trigger it at pre-school? I know it's hard but it is good she cheers up after you've gone...I'd suggest a slightly earlier drop off if at all possible whilst it's quieter. I feel for you both I really do. It's hard being a parent, sometimes you have to pretend to be matter-of-fact to reassure them even whilst you're upset inside.

bellinisurge · 11/09/2018 16:31

Faking it is ghastly. But you must do it for your little one's sake.
You really aren't the only one. I used to hate seeing my dd so upset and others merrily skipping into school.
Your child will be fine and you will be fine. It feels horrible, I know.

educatingarti · 11/09/2018 16:32

It sounds as if she is finding dealing with her anxiety quite tricky.
I would suggest:
At a time when she is more relaxed, actually talk to her about her feelings
" I think you might be having some sad and anxious feelings when you go to school in the mornings"
Sympathise with her " I know sad anxious feelings aren't very nice, are they."
Help her to feel in control
" Shall we come up with a plan to see if we can make those sad anxious feelings not last very long"
Plan together some things that can help eg: drawing a heart on the inside of her wrist and yours. Say that when you look at yours you during the day you will send her an invisible hug and she can do the same to you.
Say that you will give her a big squeezy hug just before she goes into school but then ask Mrs X ( teacher or TA) if she can give her a hug as you go away.
Write a little love from mummy note with kisses, that she can put in her pocket. If she feels sad, she can put her hand in her pocket and feel it and know you are still loving her
The important thing is to acknowledge the feelings but also help her look beyond them to realise that the intensity of them will die down.

Lougle · 11/09/2018 17:02

Oh the number of times I would physically carry DD3 in, hand her over to the teacher and say "here are her socks and shoes, we haven't managed to get them on this morning (seams)", but she's on time." Peeling her off me. We had a smile chart that the teacher made for every time she went into school without tears.

One day, I remember turning up at her 2nd school, pushing sobbing DD3 through the front door and saying to the Head Teacher "it's Christmas jumper day, but she couldn't decide which jumper was the least annoying so I could decorate it. Here's a bag with 2 jumpers, tinsel, safety pins and a hairbrush. She hasn't had breakfast, or brushed her hair. But she's here, on time. I thought you'd want that."

She phoned me 40 minutes later to say "Well done, we went for the silver one, it's got tinsel on it, her hair is up and we snuck a chocolate brownie from the kitchen. She's ok. Thanks for bringing her in."

Sometimes, you just need to get them there and let the school help. DD3 was beyond calming measures that day. She was so stressed by the pressure of choice and the possibility of getting it wrong on Christmas jumper day, that she would never have been able to make the decision at home. Once she got to school, it didn't seem so much of a big deal any more.

Sometimes, just getting a child through the door makes them realise that it's not all so awful. Other times, that makes them realise it's just as awful, or worse, than they imagined. I had to take DD2 out of 2 schools and don't regret it.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 11/09/2018 17:06

Bellini has reminded me that I did similar with DS (gave him a little thing to keep in his pocket to squeeze if he needed to). I also made him a kind of Advent calendar for his first term at school - I drew a map of our walk from home to school, with all our familiar landmarks on it, and it had a little door to open every day when he came home from school. There was a little reward every day - mostly something free like an extra story at bedtime, or an extra ten minutes of Lego time (this was long before iPads/tablets/phones etc), but sometimes a Freddo Frog from the Post Office or a mini bag of Haribo. That way, he could sort of count the days off and have something to look forward to

Adorable !

AeolineReed · 11/09/2018 17:27

@allthegoodusernamesaretaken That is very kind of you, but it was more like hard work .

Goldenbear · 11/09/2018 17:32

Been there, done that. My daughter is in first year of junior school now and at 7 she is quite far removed from that behaviour. She had a great teacher in year 2, she joined Rainbows which helped her confidence grow around different people and adults.

Sleephead1 · 11/09/2018 17:50

we have a slightly different situation. It's a long story but basically my son started last September a and was pretty seriously injured resulting in surgery and a hospital stay in the second week . I didn't send him back and he had most of the year at home. I deferred his place and changed schools the school let us do some settling in at nursery starting from him staying 15 minutes then building up. So we are now on first full week this week at reception he is still struggling when I leave at the seperation point and it's awful but he is coming out happier but it's so hard he wasn't the only one this morning someone else was upset. I was talking to another mum and she said our last picture of them is of them being upset but generally they are fine after that but we think of them like that all day. I did look back in the other day just after drop off and saw him wondering around looking sad it broke my heart. So I understand it's so hard I can't wait till he goes in all happy. Sending love to everyone going through it it's so hard

Sleephead1 · 11/09/2018 17:53

oh another little thing we got a little bag of worry dolls from Oxfam and they have a little story about telling the worry people your worries at night and they take them away for you. He loves these calls them his dreamys and I do think they have maybe helped a bit

Gatehouse77 · 11/09/2018 17:53

Some of the kids who happily skip in today will be the ones having wobbles later. All of mine did, for a variety of reasons.

As a fellow parent I would empathise with how hard it is. For both parties.

Grandadwasthatyou · 11/09/2018 17:55

My ds did that today and he's 11!

cookiesandchocolate · 11/09/2018 18:01

For Those skipping children - the novelty soon wears off and you will see a lot more tears.

It sucks OP but the main thing is to be as consistent as possible. Don't waver, don't hover.

'Oh look darling, there's the bell and here's your teacher. I'll be there to pick you up at the end of the day. Kiss. Bye.' And then go.

As for the getting dressed. I'm not sure but I would promise a treat at the weekend and lots of bribery. But it all depends on the child.

It does get easier and this is coming from a parent who's child cried not just for 5 minutes but ALL day in nursery. They were dark times.

caroline161 · 11/09/2018 18:07

I had this too! For ages! Pick your battles, this is one. Keep dropping her off and walking back to the car , do not relent. Tell her if you go into school nicely today I'll take you to McDonald's after school. And stick to it, if she kicks off don't take her and tell her why, Give her some self control back. She can do this and she's got another 12-14 years to get her head round it. She will be ok i promise

butterfly990 · 11/09/2018 19:13

Have a read of this website.

It gives some insights and advise on strategies.

www.notfineinschool.org.uk/

LikeLemondrops · 11/09/2018 19:33

sleephead thank you for sharing that, I've not heard of worry dolls before but have ordered some for my daughter as I think she'll love them

Amanduh · 11/09/2018 19:41

Oh OP. It’s heart wrenching I know. Haven’t been there as a parent yet, but have as a teacher, and seen many, many little ones like this. They do come through it. It IS scary and new and big. A big change. Some of them just need time.

chocatoo · 11/09/2018 19:49

My theory is that it is associated with the fact that she wants to be part of what you are doing and doesnt like the thought that you are not where she can be included with your plans. She is trying to get some control back by kicking off and making you feel upset.
Make sure your plans for the day sound really dull and just be matter of fact about the fact that she has to go regardless. I would also help her to make a buddy, maybe an invitation to tea. Ask the teacher who to invite.

FluffyMcCloud · 11/09/2018 19:55

Mu son was the same. It was awful and people were spectacularly unhelpful “he’s just doing it for attention” “I wouldn’t let mine get away with behaviour like that” etc. I was in tears every day and it was horrendous. I felt like I’d gone horribly wrong somewhere to have produced such a unconfident angry little boy.
He is now 10 and brilliant. Confident, happy, popular. But I think I am still scarred by the reception years!!

Ouch44 · 11/09/2018 19:59

My DD was like this. It's still early days for you and DD so try not to get too worried yet. What is the routine at the school door when dropped as this can make a big difference.

If I had time to go in and help her put her things on her peg and start to play with her then she was a lot better but if I had to drop at the door she usually had to be prised off!

Thing is she didn't want to come home either at the end of the day so it really was some kind of anxiety, which it sounds like it probably is for your DD, rather than actually not liking school itself

claraschu · 11/09/2018 20:05

My daughter was the same. What finally helped was when we developed a routine of me going in to the classroom and handing her to one of the TAs who was a very sweet young woman, who would hold my daughter and cuddle her. My daughter clung to her for a while and then outgrew it when she was more confident.

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