AIBU to wish it wasn't MY kid who is terrified of school?!

[beyondthebrink]

DD started reception this week, she'll be going part time for the next 3 weeks (as per the school's induction process for all reception children). This week she's only going in for 2.5hrs. But we're on day 2 and I already feel like a broken woman.

This morning DD refused to get dressed, took another 40 minutes to put her shoes on, wouldn't get in the car seat and once she was in it, cried all the way to school. Then it took the teacher and T.A to physically pull her off me and into the classroom whilst she was kicking and screaming. I felt like everybody was staring at her/me and I just wanted to run back to my car and cry.

Meanwhile all the other children are skipping into the classroom as if they'd been going there forever, not phased at all.

I'm gutted. :(

{She's been suffering with separation anxiety for a while - her last three months at pre-school we're the same. Refusal, kicking, screaming. So I don't hold much hope that she'll 'be OK in a week or so' which is what everybody keeps telling me.}

I'd love to hear from anybody going through the same or any parents who have 'been there, done that' who can reassure me it does get easier.

It happens every year to some new starters

Is she terrified? Or upset at the thought of separating from you? Is she fine after you've left? If so I doubt she's terrified - more likely anxious and panicking.

I would leave a truly terrified child at school but I have seen many behave as your dd does then be fine and happy 10 minutes after mum's left.

I read this post and I really feel for you @beyondthebrink. Sending a big hug and

I'm also going through the first proper week of reception with my just-turned-four year old and she's had a good few wobbles with lots of tears, so I feel your pain. She had to be removed from me by our new childminder this morning as she was so upset - she goes there before she goes to school as I work FT. It's horrible to start the day off like that.

I guess it's going to take a while to get used to for all of us, including our children! But I know what you mean about feeling broken so I hope it goes better for you as the weeks go on x

@barbarianmum - yes, terrified is probably the wrong word. Because she IS fine once I leave. And she comes out smiling when I pick her up. I think I said terrified because she tells me she's 'scared' in the mornings. But you're right, it's not school per se, it's the leaving me.

It's the separation part she hates and I'm at my wit's end. Nothing I do makes it any better.

It's emotionally taxing having to have her be pulled from me each morning.

I’m feeling your pain too! Week 2 here, FT from day 1, and the tears are killing me

My daughter is exactly the same. She's hiding under the kitchen table, refusing to get dressed. I wouldn't say she's truly terrified though, when I do get her there she is upset for a few minutes and then fine. She is only just four and is struggling with the long days. What I've found that helps is not rushing her in a morning. We are always aiming for a 8.45 start but if she's too upset and it takes another half an hour to coax her into getting dressed and letting her think it was her idea then so be it. It does help that we have a helpful School in that regard though. I sympathise. It would be much easier if they were happy to go straight in. I hope she and you feel better about School soon.

@alexthebird totally, I get feel home from the school run and feel completely deflated.

Hope the situation improves for you too. x

Hi OP, firstly for you as this is so tough.

I have been there, bought the t-shirt and still there some days with my DS who has just started yr 1. No YANBU to wish your DC wasn’t afraid.

So many morning DS had to be prised off me kicking and screaming and I felt rubbish for the rest of the day. School assured me that he calmed down within 5-10 minutes and then was fine. He had other issues that starting school brought to the fore (mainly anxiety and hyper vigilance) and school was great at working with us to get him some support in place.

What worked in the end, was taking him into school 5 mins early through the main entrance (rather than the classroom door) and a TA would meet him there and take him into class. He went in fine that way and really lessened the stress around drop off. He went in that way from February till July. From July we spoke about how in yr 1 he would go straight into his classroom with his friends.

Last week he went in great and then yesterday had a major meltdown, kicking, screaming and trying to run away. In the end the headteacher had to get him in. I can’t think of anything that triggered that yesterday, although he was generally in a bit of a grump. I was then dreading this morning but he went in fine?! I did try to distract him lots on the walk round, talking about his favourite games and characters etc so he was in a good mood.

Hugs and sympathies because it is rubbish. She will get there, it’s such early days

Sorry to hear that @haribohippo :(

A few years ago my son went in fine but then hit six-seven and suffered badly with anxiety, crying etc, I was constantly in the school, now he is ten ( different school due to infants and junior set up) and walks in on his own and out to meet me with no problems but still asks a lot of questions to reassure himself, it’s awful when you’re going through it but it will get easier and you’ll turn a corner I promise x

Can someone tell me what reception actually is?

I’m in Scotland and the youngest you can start school is 4 years 6 months and that is straight into primary one - there is no reception...just a pre school year of nursery.

My son was 4 in August so he will go to school next year and will be turning 5 just as he goes...my understanding is that if I lived south of the border he’d be off this “reception” class l?

Is there any chance anyone other than you could take her in? A friend of mine had similar problems with both of hers (they're at secondary and fine now btw) and being taken in by dad/nana for a few months solved the problem as it was separating from mum they found difficult.

Its hard to compare life In England children go to school in the September of the academic year they turn 5. During this year they are physically in school but following the eay years curriculum (v play based) they started on at preschool. This is the reception year, generally staffed by teachers with a specialusm in early years. After that, they go into Y1 and start the Key stage 1 curriculum which is much less play-based.

Sorry that should read : early years curriculum

@BarbarianMum unfortunately not.

DH starts work too earlier to take her and we don't have any other family close by.

Oh Good God if my mum were here she'doesn't want to give you a big hug. I was exactly the same. I took ages to settle. I was an extreme case though.
I know It seems like your little one is the only child in the whole world (past present and future) who is struggling to settle in. However I promise there are thousands of children and parents going through the same thing
You don't know what they children in the older years were like in Reception. I take it she didn't go to the Nursery there whereas all the other children may have done so it's not as much of an up heavel to them.
Have you spoken to the Teacher and TA about settling in plans for nervous starters.
They must have them.

I had this with my son from nursery until P7 when I took him out of school to home educate. It was awful.

My son does have autism and separation anxiety though. He did have a settled few months when the school where consistent with their approach and gave him a “job” each morning. It eventually went back to struggling again.

It’s so hard though when you can feel everyone looking at you when having your kid physically peeled off you.

One of the other things that worked was going in a little earlier than everyone else so he could get in when the class was quiet. When he first started school, one of the approaches was to let him sit and cuddle his teddy for 5 minutes then go into class, sometimes the TA would sit with him a chat and it would take his mind off it.

I found it easier whenever one of mine was being awkward just to do it and not argue or plead. If they wouldn't get dressed, you dress them, if they wouldn't put shoes on sit them down and fasten. No apologising, no pleading, no discussion just do it. Time to go to school, carry to car and strap, arrive at school pick up and carry in, hand over and walk away. If she isn't getting the reaction then it is pointless to carry on throwing a tantrum about it. She may well be suffering from separation anxiety but letting her get so worked up about it is going to make it even worse. Once she appreciates that whatever happens she ends up wearing her clothes, at school on time and in the classroom and you have left then she will realise that there is no point in behaving like that. I know this sounds harsh but it will help.

I can sympathise had this with both of mine.

With my daughter it got better than worse when I went back to work after maternity leave. REception and unstructured play did not suit her and she struggled with the social aspect. She really starting settling and making friends from Year 1 and is now fine in Year 5.

DS was fine at the start and then choked in lunch and threw up. That caused a lot of issues. Eventually I took him in late one morning via the office and he got that whatever happened he was going in. He takes very little lunch though as that is his trigger point

Things to try, dependent on whether you have tried them before:

• star chart or random reward for going in nicely
• transition toy or object (a small toy to hold in her hand/pocket as she goes over the threshold)
• you are going to have a really boring day while she isn't there, but at the end of the day you are going to do something fun together
• get to school early and be allowed in first to help the teacher set up
• get to school late/just as doors opening so no time to fret
• reward getting ready in the mornings nicely with e.g. 10mins Peppa Pig before you leave
• don't argue about shoes, carry them with you and hand them to teacher if she won't put them on

Mine struggled with separation on and off until about y5.

The main thing to remember is she is OK when you've gone, so it is 'just' the separating. Whatever happens, you do quick kiss / hug and go without looking back. Like pulling off a plaster.

I don’t think that it’s always a “tantrum” or that tough love will alway help tbh. Mine isn’t kicking off or asking not to go etc, instead he’s furiously wiping his tears away and telling me I am Mommy, but can’t actually stop himself being upset at that moment, or from clinging onto me even as he’s saying goodbye. They are 4, it’s just too much too little for some of them

Red - in all fairness they did that to me and it just made it worse. I can still remember the suffocating fear and also the feeling that 'they don't love me'. I hated school. Loathed it. I felt like I was in an alien world where I didn't understand what was going on. At playtime, it felt like I was in this HUGE alien place. I remember once looking up and seeing the buildings coming towards me. I didn't get the social niceties and I was picked on and bullied. In hindsight, I was simply too young and hadn't developed the necessary skills to cope (although I could read and write better than most classmates). Now I have a PhD and lecture in a university ... but back then...

I read something on another thread re separation anxiety that talked about agreeing with them that you will miss them too and talk about after school and what fun you will have. Ie empathise rather than try and jolly them out of it.

Been there and done it. Easiest way for us was to lay uniform out the night before then they get a tick for trying to eat breakfast, teeth, getting dressed etc then they earn a reward.

I ha e to stay manically postie and happy it they meltdown. And def drop and run at school, hanging about makes it.worse

Postie=positive