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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish it wasn't MY kid who is terrified of school?!

85 replies

beyondthebrink · 11/09/2018 14:04

DD started reception this week, she'll be going part time for the next 3 weeks (as per the school's induction process for all reception children). This week she's only going in for 2.5hrs. But we're on day 2 and I already feel like a broken woman.

This morning DD refused to get dressed, took another 40 minutes to put her shoes on, wouldn't get in the car seat and once she was in it, cried all the way to school. Then it took the teacher and T.A to physically pull her off me and into the classroom whilst she was kicking and screaming. I felt like everybody was staring at her/me and I just wanted to run back to my car and cry.

Meanwhile all the other children are skipping into the classroom as if they'd been going there forever, not phased at all.

I'm gutted. :(

{She's been suffering with separation anxiety for a while - her last three months at pre-school we're the same. Refusal, kicking, screaming. So I don't hold much hope that she'll 'be OK in a week or so' which is what everybody keeps telling me.}

I'd love to hear from anybody going through the same or any parents who have 'been there, done that' who can reassure me it does get easier.

OP posts:

AeolineReed · 11/09/2018 14:54

OP, I had this with my first. He struggled terribly with separation, and spent the first few weeks when he started school sitting on the class teacher's knee (she was a star). I did the cheery, breezy quick drop-off thing (as advised by the staff), but it made no difference. Same DC had to move schools when he was seven due to DP's job; on his first day, I left him completely inconsolable again in the playground. And these were lovely little schools, not big scary ones. He still wouldn't go on school was too anxious about separation. And yet he is now at boarding school, and loving every minute of it. That's how much things can change...

chasingsushi · 11/09/2018 14:55

First week of reception here too and tears every day when we leave him. Seems to be lessening though. I tried a couple of tips from others that might be improving things or they might just be getting better on their own. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They are: telling him the night before exactly what is going to happen the next day, down to the detail of what will happen in the classroom and at what point I will leave i.e. after he's written his name.

Reminding him at the time (and whenever it enters my head) that mummy or daddy will always come back.

And I keep telling myself it's a sign he's formed a secure attachment to me (just for my own sanity).

All the flowers. And my child related mantra: Everything is a phase. Good luck!

Angelil · 11/09/2018 14:55

How old is your daughter?

Is there any chance someone else could drop her off at school in the mornings?

AeolineReed · 11/09/2018 14:56

^ still wouldn't go on school trips when he was 10/11 Not sure how that disappeared!

bellinisurge · 11/09/2018 14:57

I sewed little buttons on her skirt or whatever and told her that if she was feeling a bit wobbly to give it a squeeze and it would connect her to me.
Not saying this worked brilliantly but it sort of did. Later we also made an extremely cock-eyed teddy together out of an old Tshirt. He sat in the bottom of her bag and kept an eye on things.
She really got to love school after a bumpy start.
She just moved up to Y7 secondary school and took a photo of said bear on her phone so he's there with her digitally - dh idea and genius in my view.

resipsa · 11/09/2018 14:57

I sympathise too. I have the opposite - a just turned 3 year old skipping into pre-school without a backward glance which is a little heart wrenching too, to be honest. They are all still very little people with a lot to handle. Hope she feels better about school soon.

LikeLemondrops · 11/09/2018 14:58

Red my dd isn't doing it to be naughty or a pain, she is genuinely worried and sad, albeit only for the few moments she actually has to let go and go in. We are on yr2, she is bouncing when she comes out telling me about her wonderful day and her friends but finds going in hard.
She has a transition item (a little hatchimal atm - agreed with teacher.) it lives in her pencil case. She gets herself ready in a morning so she can have a tick and go to youth club. Intellectually she knows she has to go to school, it just doesn't make the moment of separation easier for her. I'm not going to tough love her out of it.

resipsa · 11/09/2018 15:00

The idea of sewing on buttons to squeeze is lovely! Like a lunch box note but always to hand.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/09/2018 15:03

I think a lot of it is just that we send our children to school much too young in this country. They are so little and school is so big, and some of them just aren’t ready.
A tip I did see though is drawing a kiss or smiley face on her palm, and the same on yours, and it kind of links you through the day. Also some schools will allow you to extend the part time period if they aren’t ready to go full time at the end of the three weeks or whatever.
Op, it must feel rotten when you’re in that moment, even if you know she’ll be fine.

AeolineReed · 11/09/2018 15:06

Bellini has reminded me that I did similar with DS (gave him a little thing to keep in his pocket to squeeze if he needed to). I also made him a kind of Advent calendar for his first term at school - I drew a map of our walk from home to school, with all our familiar landmarks on it, and it had a little door to open every day when he came home from school. There was a little reward every day - mostly something free like an extra story at bedtime, or an extra ten minutes of Lego time (this was long before iPads/tablets/phones etc), but sometimes a Freddo Frog from the Post Office or a mini bag of Haribo. That way, he could sort of count the days off and have something to look forward to. I've still got it somewhere!

The other DC couldn't wait to start school . They're all different...

Iamablanket · 11/09/2018 15:08

You have my sympathy op. One of mine got separation anxiety starting juniors (separate school from infants). He was too big for me to physically take by then and ended up missing a lot of one term. The school were really good at working with me and eventually he was ok. Although still had anxiety over it on and off for years, refused trips and the residential etc. He's in year 10 now and pretty self-confident. Hang in there, she will settle!

Rebecca36 · 11/09/2018 15:09

You're not unreasonable, many would feel like that but lots of children react the same as your daughter. I knew someone whose little boy clung to the school railings and it took several people to pry him off - but it all changed after a couple of weeks and he settled. I'm sure it will be the same for your girl. Early days yet.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 11/09/2018 15:09

Have you got any friends who could share the school run with you? When my son was little our neighbour's son hated going to school and would cry the whole way when she took him but if my son and I called for him he was fine.

coffeeagogo · 11/09/2018 15:09

DD2 was like this and was only just turned 4. She had to actually prised off me and held onto the classroom door screaming and crying - was so upsetting. However, when her dad or my mum dropped her off she was no bother, was just me (and it went on until Easter - sigh) she's in year 3 now and loves school . Op sympathy

MatildaTheCat · 11/09/2018 15:09

I had this ( unfortunately for a long time) but like you, mine was always fine after a few minutes. I would hover outside and one of the other parents would come and tell me he was fine.

It was so painful for me and him but he was always just fine when he came home. Just hated leaving mummy.

He was scared of lots of things and a very nervous little boy. Changed into a happy and socially confident child, a keen team player and now has a very customer facing role in a large international company with dozens of friends and lives abroad with his gf.

So yes, it’s extremely possible to get through this. Lots of social story books, role play and then keeping the routine brisk and quick is all helpful.

BertrandRussell · 11/09/2018 15:14

I hesitate to say this, but my dd cried at the beginnning of every school year until year 9!!

They didn't have to peel her off me after year 1 though.........

RB68 · 11/09/2018 15:16

something I have seen which is quite nice is to draw a small piccie on their wrist or palm and the same on yours and talk about how connected you are and they only have to look at this to reassure themselves. Its all new and scary and she is clearly looking for a reaction from you - our kids are not used to having to do things they don't like these days so school is a bit of a shock. In the "old" days you had to behave with visitors, sit still on sofa, have a drink or snack seated and no running around, only had a few toys and kept v tidy etc etc they are ore free rein today and so discipline of even reception class comes as a shock

KurriKurri · 11/09/2018 15:17

It is very hard when this happens - and it very very probably will be fine soon although I know it doesn't feel like that now) I didn't really have your problem with mine, so my suggestion might be rubbish. But when mine were being reluctant, I'd do lots of chat about what we'd do when they got home, ask them what snakc they'd like me to bring for them to eat on the way home, talk about me maybe setting up a game or toy for when they came in, or making a little plate fo sandwiches that would be in the fridge when they got in. Juts constantly moving the convo onto what we'll do at pick up time and just treating the going to school bit as a constant that will be happening. But there's something to look forward to when you get home. School isn't an optional activity, so I wouldn't get into any discussion about not going, I'd be breezy and matter of fact.
Alos include a bit of anticipation about what might happen at school - I wonder what will be out to play with at school, or what you will do today, you'll be able to tell me all about it when you get home. Etc etc.

Shortyboo · 11/09/2018 15:18

If she’s fine once she’s there she’ll outgrow it as the term goes on. But she’ll probably become more anxious just after the holidays, as school restarts.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2018 15:19

My dd was the same. I didn’t know about the hug button at the time. link.

When she was this age, I found it easiest to whirlwind her only getting her dressed in the last 10 minutes before we needed to leave so there was no time to think. She had a lot of anxiety about clothes - they felt itchy etc and she ended up only wearing one summer dress and one blouse on rotation for about 6 months.

I stayed with her for a few minutes in the changing room for the first fe weeks in reception year. Then the school announced they wanted parents to stay outside so the TA came to collect her every day. It was like this for over a year. In yr1 the teacher did a sticker chart. All she had to do to get to one was get dressed for school in her correct uniform and go into class by herself. Since then it has improved. I find the anxiety kicking in a lot at the beginning of term and having her hair absolutely perfect was a big trigger for a long time. The triggers raise their ugly heads during times of stress.

Hang on in there.

MNsplaining · 11/09/2018 15:27

I was that child many, many years ago. Everyone was talking all Summer about me going to school and I was so excited. Skipped in happily on the first day and enjoyed it.

But I thought I only had to go for one day! When it became evident I had to go FIVE days a week forever...(it seemed forever at that age) I was not happy and sobbed all the way there for a few weeks.

Then I was fine. She just needs to get used to it

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/09/2018 15:31

She had a lot of anxiety about clothes - they felt itchy etc and she ended up only wearing one summer dress and one blouse on rotation for about 6 months

This! I remember a tunic skirt that itched, tights that itched and jumpers that had necklines designed to choke me. I'm still fussy too.

Veganfortheanimals · 11/09/2018 15:38

We limped through to year 3 ,we are now home educating ,and seeing camhs ,who helpfully told us all the times we dragged/ carried / handed him over to a teacher crying /firmly marched him in,have caused his anxieties...and we should never of done it ...

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2018 15:40

YetAnotherSpartacus
I’m a bit like this as well. Dd is worse though. I assume it’s mild sensory processing disorder. I have to cut all labels out and dd likes soft clothes etc. It was far worse when dd was little. I even went to the extreme of buying identical next size up school skirts, washing them several times so dd didn’t know and replacing them for the following year. As for the particular blouse, she knew which one it was even though she had 2 or 3 the same!

FurryGiraffe · 11/09/2018 15:44

DS1 was the child who howled every morning. Absolutely fine once in the classroom and calmed down, but the process of separation was awful. It wasn't helped I think by the fact that until Christmas all parents took the kids into the cloakroom so it was really crowded and noisy.

What helped for us was a reward chart for being brave. We acknowledged it was fine to be nervous and to miss us and to feel scared/sad/nervous but rewarded him for being brave and going in even when he felt sad about it. We did that for most of the autumn term. By January I got a wave and he just ran in with the others.

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