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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want visit family 2 days after being home

107 replies

whyohwhyyy · 11/09/2018 12:32

Came home from hospital Sunday night after having DD emergency c section.

OH family have offered to come here but it's to much we have a tiny living room and there's 7 of them coming.
4 of us here

So I agreed to go to his mums but now I just don't fancy it I want to be st home with my kids.

Now he's saying he will just take her on his own then I don't understand why they just can't wait until I feel better I hate feeling pressured.

OP posts:
Original poster
whyohwhyyy · 12/09/2018 13:20

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Yes he took me to A&E this morning to have a dressing put on still bleeding though.

My mum has came to help out though which is nice hopefully he will carry on being like this when she's gone.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/09/2018 13:53

Glad to hear you're being looked after. Hopefully he will realise that you've undergone major surgery and need help not being dragged around visiting relatives. Am sure having your Mum there will be a help too. Good luck!

Sleeplikeasloth · 12/09/2018 14:07

It souds like you've been overdoing it in general, so it's probably a good thing that you didn't go in the end.

That being said, if they were supposed to come over, and you cancelled, and came up with a 'plan b' and only cancelled that after everyone had travelled to your partners pari, I can see why they've e be peeved.

Personally, I'd have taken the opportunity for a nap and just let them all go,but it's tricky with breastfeeding I guess. Men are expected to go back to work all day after a couple of weeks, whether they feel 'ready' or not, so in contrast, a couple of hours apart seems a much smaller ask than what we assume if dad's.

Maybe meeting at a local cafe would have been a better option?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/09/2018 15:32

Sleepslikeasloth - are you for real??? A 'plan b'??? Meeting in a café? Did you read the thread??
The OP's plan B was clearly to have an emergency C-section where some are confined to bed for up to 5 days following this surgery to allow the wound to heal properly. The meeting of extended family doesn't even come into it. They can hang on a few days or visit in smaller groups. Neither the OP or her delightful DP has suggested were off the table.
They can be as peeved as they like whether the OP had a plan a to z about it. She has just had an emergency C-section, is bleeding from her surgical wound, has ended up back in hospital to get the wound redressed. It is lucky that the OP's mum is there to help out as her DP is coming across as very dim as to what to do in these circumstances.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 12/09/2018 16:16

Grass him up to the health visitor if you have a good one........mine would have torn him a couple of new arseholes then returned to excavate a 3rd for good measure had my OH pulled a stunt like that Grin

Sleeplikeasloth · 12/09/2018 16:29

WhatchaMaCalllitWhatchaMaCalllit, yes I read the thread Hmm

It WAS the plan B for visiting though. It changed from the Ops house, to his parents, and only once people gathered round his parents did it get cancelled.

It was probably for the best as clearly the Op wasn't up to it, but changing a plan and then cancelling it would inevitably annoy some people, especially if they'd been travelling.

Recovery from section varies so much. I know lots of people that were out in cafes etc by a week, driving after 2 etc after an emergency section, so I was basing it on my anticipated recovery of the Op given what people I know who had an EMCS were doing. But if she's not upto it (and clearly she's not) that's fine, it's just a solution which ensures (a) no tidying, catering etc (b) the visit is quite time limited.

LeftRightCentre · 12/09/2018 16:42

Men are expected to go back to work all day after a couple of weeks, whether they feel 'ready' or not, so in contrast, a couple of hours apart seems a much smaller ask than what we assume if dad's.

No shit! Because they haven't gone through the birth process and are not breastfeeding Hmm.

But if she's not upto it (and clearly she's not) that's fine, it's just a solution which ensures (a) no tidying, catering etc (b) the visit is quite time limited.

a) it's not her job to consider a solution that works to enable the desires of others to see the baby b) tidy or cater to visitors.

blueskiesandforests · 12/09/2018 16:56

Sleep LikeASloth men are going back to work 2 weeks after gestating a baby, having major abdominal surgery or pushing it out of their genitals resulting, often, in 3rd degree tearing, and establishing breastfeeding while still in the early stages of physical recovery from gestating and ejecting said 8lb ish human being from their body are they?

I guess medical science is advancing faster than most of us realised...

Original poster
whyohwhyyy · 12/09/2018 17:19

I've just gone through his phone his family have been slagging me off.
I knew that's why he wouldn't let me go on it he doesn't even stick up for me one bit.

OP posts:
Hortonlovesahoo · 12/09/2018 17:39

Can you ask your health visitor to rip him a new one? If my DH tried to pull this shit, I'd be reigning down all sorts of hell

blueskiesandforests · 12/09/2018 17:57

Sad He sounds like an immature loser sadly BrewCake

Is your toddler his? Was he this dickish when he was born?

If you can't trust him to be on your side a week after you've had his baby he doesn't sound like a keeper unless he mends his ways pretty sharpish Sad

I wouldn't wasye any more energy thinking about him and his family now though. Stay in bed or on the sofa, insist on his physical support (bringing you drinks especially if you're feeding) and don't worry about what he and his family are saying - you have more important things to think about in the shape of your children.

I'd keep the idea that long term you might be better off apart in the back of my mind to consider after you've recovered physically though, and let it shape decisions like returning to work, not booking any joint holidays or making any big joint purchases for now though!

Original poster
whyohwhyyy · 12/09/2018 18:43

No DS is from a previous relationship.
I just feel so gutted because I really thought that was it for me and I found the right one.

His brother said something like Mum said your not allowed to bring "M" what's happening.. after everything you've done for her how can she call you selfish you need to start laying down the law"

It's just upset me I can't believe he didn't stick up for me once if I could I would leave but I need him to look after me.

Feel so down I'm going to talk to the midwife on Friday Sad

OP posts:
Hortonlovesahoo · 12/09/2018 18:55

Yes, it is time to lay down the law:

  • you're recovering from serious abdominal surgery
  • in no reality does his or his family wishes matter above you and your newborns health and welfare.
  • you are his PARTNER. You are a team. Not him and his family against you.

I'm so angry for you!

Original poster
whyohwhyyy · 12/09/2018 19:00

This is what I'm trying to say to him that he's meant to be my partner and have my back and all he can say is I shouldn't of went on his phone and read it and I'm ruining everything.

So tired of this

OP posts:
mostdays · 12/09/2018 19:03

Men are expected to go back to work all day after a couple of weeks, whether they feel 'ready' or not

Hang on whilst I find my tiny fucking violin

inlectorecumbit · 12/09/2018 19:10

He doesn't have your back at all

Could you go and stay with your DM for a while?

CowesTwo · 12/09/2018 19:15

Can you take the children and stay with your mum? You really should be being looked after, not subject to all this hassle and mental anguish. The family seem to have no clue at all as to what you've been through - and what you are currently going through. You should be in bed!!!!

Temporarynamechange18 · 12/09/2018 19:16

Your husband sounds like a prick. What a shit position to be in. No advice but big hugs xxx

BlueberryPud · 12/09/2018 19:44

Your OH is a monumentally disloyal twat. My own dh can be an inconsiderate bastard at times, but when I gave birth by CS he knew this was serious stuff and went into protective mode. I was Mollied and coddled until I eventually had to insist that I was perfectly capable of walking about and lifting a kettle. I am beyond furious on your behalf. Can you let him read some of these responses from women who have undergone c sections? And, sadly, he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to spend my life with, until he gets a clue.

Sleeplikeasloth · 12/09/2018 20:20

blueskiesandforests, that's not all women though is it. A lot of women have straightforward births, a lot of women don't breastfeed. A lot of women (me included, though planned not emergency) felt perfectly upto shopping within 2-3 days of a section. There's huge variation in recovery etc, I just think it's weird that we expect men to be ok being apart from their child all day every day, but barbaric for a woman to be apart from the same child for a couple of hours

In this case, the Ops husband is an idiot and should be sticking up for her though.

SoyDora · 12/09/2018 20:24

But it’s irrelevant how some women feel Sleeplikeasloth. We’re talking about the OP. And she is breastfeeding, and is suffering with the after effects of the CS, and isnt feeling up to going out and about or being away from her (BF) baby.

QueenArseClangers · 12/09/2018 20:29

Sleeplike do you know anything about the science behind the mother/baby dyad? Confused

Sleeplikeasloth · 12/09/2018 20:43

QueenArseClangers I have a feeling you have an uncontrollable desire to either educate me or make out that you know more than me whatever I say. Hmm

Its not going to kill anyone to be apart for a few hours (it gave me a good chance for napping when mine was tiny), though obviously it's a lot more tricky with a breastfed babies. I'm personally a believer in both parents being regarded as equals from birth though. Father and child just as much as mother and child.

SoyDora · 12/09/2018 20:46

though obviously it's a lot more tricky with a breastfed babies

And that is the key point. OP’s baby is breastfed.

TooManyPaws · 12/09/2018 20:58

Fuck's sake, the sky won't fall in if his brother etc doesn't meet the baby immediately. My FATHER didn't get to see me for three months!

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