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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel plans with acquaintances who find us embarrassing???

106 replies

toastandjamplease · 11/09/2018 10:03

DS has been invited to a party at his best friend’s house next weekend. Friend’s mother calls me this morning to confirm times etc. During the conversation, the mother effectively tells me that the other parents from the boys’ friendship group are all invited except us. Ouch.

Thing is, around the same time DS was invited to said party, the mother organised a cinema trip for the two boys and her and me. I thought it was a nice idea so said I would go but after this conversation yesterday, I no longer feel like making the effort with her - she has done something like this before so I don’t think I’m misunderstanding the message. Her son is delightful, so am happy for DS to go to the cinema with them or do anything else in coming years but I think I need to perhaps stick to hanging out with my own rather than DS’ friends :)

Am I right that she has been a bit rude here – not so much about the lack of invite as such but being so upfront in telling me about it! If so, would it be acceptable to send DS on his own to the cinema with them, while I make a lame excuse and settle down with a nice boxed set instead?!

OP posts:
Original poster
toastandjamplease · 11/09/2018 11:47

I appreciate that some of the confusion in this post is caused by me not spelling out exactly who said what to whom. However, in order to avoid outing myself, I now realise that I may have inadvertently given you all the impression that I am a bit of a loser with no social life who reads too much into an innocent oversight by people I think are better than me because I hate my job and my life. Sorry about that. [Gets coat and moves onto looking up holiday snaps of vague facebook acquaintances]

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 11/09/2018 11:48

This is the second excluding post on here today. So rude

HPFA · 11/09/2018 11:52

There's been a whole slew of threads recently where people have come on asking for honest opinions and then not liked it when they get them.

The OP must have found it hurtful to think this parent was excluding her so I'm surprised that the almost universal opinion that this seems like a misunderstanding has not been welcomed.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 11/09/2018 11:55

The entirety of the confusion stemming from this thread is because you haven’t explained yourself properly, OP. You haven’t made the situation clear, and I think part of that may be because you don’t understand it yourself.

ProcrastinatingPingu · 11/09/2018 11:59

I’ve read this whole thing and I’m still confused.
She rang to cement times for the party which you DS was invited to by his friend, and when his mum called she said the food would be veggie as some parents were veggie so it made sense, and you took from that you weren’t invited?
Is there another reason you feel that you weren’t?
Surely if she’s spending time with you another day, she doesn’t dislike you or feel a need to exclude you, and you’re maybe feeling a bit self-conscious?
Also did you say it happened before?

MatildaTheCat · 11/09/2018 11:59

The woman likes you well enough to go out to the cinema with you so it’s highly unlikely she is embarrassed by you. You’ve got your wires crossed. Just text and say you are a bit unsure what the plan is for the party, are parents staying or leaving, either is absolutely fine?

And no, don’t cancel the cinema trip you donut. She LIKES YOU. [smike]

ajandjjmum · 11/09/2018 12:06

Just phone her and say, 'sorry, I think I might have misunderstood. Are we supposed to be coming to the party too?'

PuntCuffin · 11/09/2018 12:07

You could interpret 'of course it'll all be vegetarian because XYZ etc' to mean that you don't need to worry about there being no suitable food for you as everyone is being fed a vegetarian meal. And that therefore you are invited.

squirrelspatchcock · 11/09/2018 12:08

i think that you are doing a lot of assuming and it would be a shame to make something out of nothing completely unnecessarily.

Totally agreeing with MatildaTheCat

Lostandfound81 · 11/09/2018 12:09

OP

You have jumped to conclusions
However perhaps you have jumped to such conclusions based on past experiences with people.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/09/2018 12:11

Are ALL the other parents invited? Or just a few, and most not?
I've invited random parents occasionally for different reasons; 1 because their kid was clingy, 1 because he's strong and helped with a game I needed him too, 1 because she's good at face painting and offered help, 1 because she had far too drive. All sorts of other reasons. It's really needy to assume if you're not invited somewhere, it's because they don't like you.

amusedbush · 11/09/2018 12:22

But she hasn't said you're not invited? She just spoke about vegetarian food. It sounds like you get on fine and she it's probably assumed that you'll be there?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/09/2018 12:26

Send a text, "Hi Friend, bit embarrassed asking this but is it a kids only party or parents too? If the former, no worries, if the latter, would you like me to bring anything? Sorry, I should have thought to offer when you rang!"
Go from there.

Hissy · 11/09/2018 12:39

I think (hope) that you have made a shed full of incorrect assumptions. Why not RING her and ask what the plan is for the day?

Rhiannon13 · 11/09/2018 12:41

Why not just ask her for clarification? Life does not need to be this complicated!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/09/2018 12:50

🤣 I think, as best as one can guess from your posts, that it’s FAR more likely you ARE invited, but she just hasn’t made it clear. It sounds like me (being her) and one of my friends (being you). She expects a formal bloody invitation for a cup of coffee, whilst I assume she knows she’s always invited, never needs ‘inviting’...is just permanently welcome here 24/7. I’ve known her since I was born and she’s still so bloody ‘British’ about everything! 🤣

Just go and stop being so daft.

If you are really concerned, just ring her and ask if there’s anything she’d like you to bring with you to the party. That leaves the ball firmly in her court if you/no adults are invited.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 11/09/2018 12:51

OP, you're making this so complicated !

The woman likes you well enough to go out to the cinema with you so it’s highly unlikely she is embarrassed by you. You’ve got your wires crossed. Just text and say you are a bit unsure what the plan is for the party, are parents staying or leaving, either is absolutely fine?

^This

Thefatcatswhiskers · 11/09/2018 12:53

Just giving an alternative slant on this situation. I have 1 son. My friend, who I met through being married to my husbands best friend, has 2 girls.
When they were young they could attend each other’s parties. As they got older my son wanted more ‘boy activity ‘parties eg football and her girls make/up, nail parties. So we both let our children have separate parties and arrange for the 5 of us to meet and do something they can all enjoy together so as no one is left out.
Maybe this person is the same with her friendship groups and thinks it’s ok that you’re not included (if you haven’t got the wrong idea) in with the party food people as she’s arranged the cinema outing with you to which they’re not invited.

Holidayshopping · 11/09/2018 12:56

You sound paranoid and extremely hard work! So nobody has actually said you are embarrassing at all, you’ve just decided that all by yourself?!

You could just ask e.g. "I forgot to check with you earlier if the party is kids only or if you're expecting us to stay too?" - that's nice and open for her to say if you should stay or not without causing offence.

This.

And, in the nicest possible way-man up.

RedSkyLastNight · 11/09/2018 13:13

How old are the boys? If very young there might be an assumption that parents will stay. If 11/12, not so much.

Singlenotsingle · 11/09/2018 13:19

You are very funny OP! This is the best laugh I've had all day! (In the nicest possible way of course!) Flowers

starkid · 11/09/2018 13:24

I'd just ring and clarify if parents are staying at the party or if it's kids only, easy :)

PopGoesTheWeaz · 11/09/2018 13:27

Are you sure she didn't mean that the food for the kids will be vegetarian because those families are vegetarian, rather than (what you have assumed it seems) the food will be vegetarian because I am catering to the vegetarian parents.

KERALA1 · 11/09/2018 13:30

God I am an over thinker too op it's a curse!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/09/2018 13:35

I'm a bit torn about this, because if she hasn't specifically invited you, then I can see how you might feel excluded.
On the other hand, why tell you about vegetarian food if you're not invited? I assume she knows you are vegetarian too? it might have been to let you know that there would be food there that you could eat!

How old are the boys? Are they of an age where you would normally drop and run?

I also think that there is an element of you feeling out of place with her and the other parents, which is putting you on the defensive, possibly completely unnecessarily. I assume you don't work in a chippie with a fag hanging out the corner of your mouth all the time, and swearing fit to bust? In which case, why would you consider yourself to be embarrassing? Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with working in a chippie, or swearing in appropriate company, but y'know. Doesn't always work in all social settings.

I doubt very much that this woman would have put herself in the position of going to the cinema with you and the 2 boys if she didn't want to hang around you at all. You might not be best friends, but she clearly is happy to spend time and be seen with you, even if it is for the boys' sake.