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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel plans with acquaintances who find us embarrassing???

106 replies

toastandjamplease · 11/09/2018 10:03

DS has been invited to a party at his best friend’s house next weekend. Friend’s mother calls me this morning to confirm times etc. During the conversation, the mother effectively tells me that the other parents from the boys’ friendship group are all invited except us. Ouch.

Thing is, around the same time DS was invited to said party, the mother organised a cinema trip for the two boys and her and me. I thought it was a nice idea so said I would go but after this conversation yesterday, I no longer feel like making the effort with her - she has done something like this before so I don’t think I’m misunderstanding the message. Her son is delightful, so am happy for DS to go to the cinema with them or do anything else in coming years but I think I need to perhaps stick to hanging out with my own rather than DS’ friends :)

Am I right that she has been a bit rude here – not so much about the lack of invite as such but being so upfront in telling me about it! If so, would it be acceptable to send DS on his own to the cinema with them, while I make a lame excuse and settle down with a nice boxed set instead?!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2018 10:33

Why is she telling you that the food is vegetarian if you aren’t going?
Unless there’s a lot more you aren’t telling us I think you have got hold of the wrong end of the stick
Are you a bit intimidated by their “high powered “ jobs and think they won’t want to socialise with you?

Singlenotsingle · 11/09/2018 10:34

Yes, I think they're assuming all parents will be there. I would just text her and say "what time would you like us to arrive?" and see what happens. It could be embarrassing if you assume you aren't invited, whereas in fact you are!

MarthasGinYard · 11/09/2018 10:35

I'm not really understanding this

You are passed off at not getting an invite to your DS's friends parents party and you think it's because you would embarrass themConfused

Excited0803 · 11/09/2018 10:36

I don't think the other parents are going to the party, the vegetarian food is for their kids. Are you often worried that people don't like you or look down on you toastandjamplease?

Orchiddingme · 11/09/2018 10:38

I think you have misunderstood. She didn't say all the others were invited. She said that family is vegetarian. It doesn't mean they are all going! If they are- that's only one family. So perhaps it's a two family event and she decided to do a different two family event with you (cinema) this week.

You do seem to be perceiving insult where there is none.

Go to the cinema if you want to go.

Don't worry about events where you don't know what's going on anyway and are deducing it all off a very vague conversation.

TheBigFatMermaid · 11/09/2018 10:38

Is she not just assuming you are going to the party along with your DS?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/09/2018 10:38

She could be implying that, because the parents are vegetarian then she has to provide vegetarian food for the kids, not necessarily that she is inviting the parents to the party.

But my son is friends with a couple of lads whose parents are part of a wider clique in our village. My son frequently gets invited to big parties with adults present by these people. Sometimes we are invited. If it is a smaller party, sometimes we are not. And I have socialised one on one with both these mums. But I wouldn't necessarily invite them if I was seeing other friends.

I don't think you have to invite everybody to everything.

astoundedgoat · 11/09/2018 10:38

Are you sure she really meant you weren't invited? If I said something like that I would be assuming that the person I was speaking to was coming too.

astoundedgoat · 11/09/2018 10:39

She could be implying that, because the parents are vegetarian then she has to provide vegetarian food for the kids, not necessarily that she is inviting the parents to the party.

That's a good point.

Although my DH is vegetarian and our DD's would be aghast if anyone prepared vegetarian snacks for them while everyone else tucked into chicken sandwiches!

Orchiddingme · 11/09/2018 10:40

Also- people don't have to invite everyone every time anyway.

Perhaps the other family are insulted they are not invited to the cinema this week?!

If you go around with a giant chip on your shoulder, you will inevitably find slights.

That said, if these aren't your people, don't go to the cinema, you are not obliged to, let them know you can't come and you will drop off child.

Original poster
toastandjamplease · 11/09/2018 10:40

Oh blimey. Sorry I type very slowly so missed a load of messages and I had no idea that I was being so controversial and/or unclear.

DS was invited by his friend to the party some time ago. At no point has anyone texted us or done anything else that would suggest we are invited. I assume this means we are not invited to the party, which is fine as we do not as a rule expect an invite to DS's social engagements.

This morning I get a call from friend's mother in which is becomes clear that other adults have been invited. It only becomes clear because of the comment about vegetarian food. For further clarification, I am also a vegetarian so I don't this is some kind of anti-meat-eater conspiracy.

My AIBU is whether she was rude to make it so obvious we are not invited, in which case I think I would then be justified in not making any further effort to be sociable with this woman and pulling out of a pre-existing arrangement with her.

However, a few of your messages are now making me think that perhaps we have indeed been invited but she just didn't think to tell us! So perhaps my AIBU should instead be "WIBU to drop DS at party wearing LBD just in case the hosts forgot to invite me?"

I am now worried that I am sounding slightly unhinged so will quietly withdraw! In the meantime, I may PM a few of you her number so you could perhaps get to the bottom of this for me :)

OP posts:
SummerGems · 11/09/2018 10:40

But you haven’t not been invited have you?

Tbh you sound like hard work.

SharedLife · 11/09/2018 10:41

Did she mean vegetarian food for the children of x and y? If the parents are veggie, the kids probably are too. Or maybe she has assumed your staying. I've never put "parents welcome to stay" on an invite as i assumed it would be up to the individual to choose to drop and go or stay.

Gersemi · 11/09/2018 10:43

Ring her back, say you assumed parents weren't invited but from your recent conversation it sounds as if you were mistaken, what's the score?

Orchiddingme · 11/09/2018 10:43

My dd was invited to go along as a friend to their parents party recently. I wouldn't have expected to have been invited.

If the parent then invited me and her and the kids to another event another time, I would not think this to be related.

I don't have any friend where I get invited to everything all of the time.

FlamingJuno · 11/09/2018 10:44

Why would your DS be wearing LBD for the party? I can't make head or tail of this thread.

trulybadlydeeply · 11/09/2018 10:45

Did she categorically state that all the other parents are invited except for you? It's understandable if they are particularly friendly with some of the parents that they might ask them to stay as an opportunity for them to get together, but have they actually invited everyone else's parents?

Or, is it a bit of an adult get together, with children invited to, but they have suggested that their DS also invites his best friend?

We all make friends with other parents, but sometimes the ones we get on best with are not the parents of the children that our DC like best, and that's absolutely fine.

Her inviting you to the cinema sounds like she is reaching out to you, and perhaps hoping to get to know you better.

From what you have said there is no indication why she might find you embarrassing, but perhaps there is more to this situation?

MaryBerrysChutney · 11/09/2018 10:45

Why don't adults on here ever have a normal conversation? Why wouldn't you ask this : "Oh, so other parents are invited? Is there a reason why we weren't invited?"

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/09/2018 10:45

Right, how old is your ds and what kid of party is it? Is it the friends birthday, parents wedding anniversary, Grandparents 80th?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/09/2018 10:47

*kind

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/09/2018 10:47

Ring her back, say you assumed parents weren't invited but from your recent conversation it sounds as if you were mistaken, what's the score?

Really don't do this. Suss her out gently on your cinema date.

Excited0803 · 11/09/2018 10:48

You could just ask e.g. "I forgot to check with you earlier if the party is kids only or if you're expecting us to stay too?" - that's nice and open for her to say if you should stay or not without causing offence.

Then you find out if you have an invite. If other parents are staying but not you then she will probably say something like: "No parents this time, only X is staying to help me with the food and small boy herding."

MidniteScribbler · 11/09/2018 10:48

Maybe she doesn't like you because you can't get to the point?

Excited0803 · 11/09/2018 10:48

By ask, I mean text message. Report back and then we can compose the next response, much easier that way.

Sierra259 · 11/09/2018 10:48

Are you sure she didn't just assume you were coming? I would message her and say you just want to clarify if she wanted parents to stay with their DC for the party.