WIBU to cancel plans with acquaintances who find us embarrassing???

[toastandjamplease]

DS has been invited to a party at his best friend’s house next weekend. Friend’s mother calls me this morning to confirm times etc. During the conversation, the mother effectively tells me that the other parents from the boys’ friendship group are all invited except us. Ouch.

Thing is, around the same time DS was invited to said party, the mother organised a cinema trip for the two boys and her and me. I thought it was a nice idea so said I would go but after this conversation yesterday, I no longer feel like making the effort with her - she has done something like this before so I don’t think I’m misunderstanding the message. Her son is delightful, so am happy for DS to go to the cinema with them or do anything else in coming years but I think I need to perhaps stick to hanging out with my own rather than DS’ friends :)

Am I right that she has been a bit rude here – not so much about the lack of invite as such but being so upfront in telling me about it! If so, would it be acceptable to send DS on his own to the cinema with them, while I make a lame excuse and settle down with a nice boxed set instead?!

It sounds like they have assumed parents will be there and you just haven't made the assumption, and have instead been waiting for an invite maybe?

Well she clearly likes you or she wouldn't be arranging to go to the cinema with you.

Not everyone has to invite you to everything

I think you are potentially being a bit chippy and risk cutting off nose to spite your face.

Sometimes I've had a kids party and invited some parents to stay - whether because I didn't want to be responsible for their kid, or because they are close friends.

This is a misunderstanding that is going to blossom into a much larger problem.

Op you need to text the mother and simply ask her are parents invited to the party as well, as she mentioned vegetarian food etc for adults. Explain you have a busy weekend and are just making plans.

If she comes back to you and confirms all parents are welcome, then it was just a misunderstanding. If she comes back and confirms some parents are coming but not others, then you also have your answer.

So many crossed wires and bad feeling can be caused by not checking.

If she is the kind of parent that only invites a select few, I am sure you will be happy to see the back of her. But do make that decision based on fact and not a breakdown or lack of communication.

I think you probably have been invited but haven't picked up on the invite.

I just think that they didn't need to make their views known quite so clearly and I no longer wish to make an effort with them myself

But they haven't made anything at all clear, you have assumed all of it

My kids went to a private nursery and it was pretty standard practice for the adults to hang around (and drink wine) it took me a few parties before I realised it was normal and I was invited too.

Maybe the other parents asked if they could go/ assumed they were invited too?

(The LBD comment does suggest you are hard work, so maybe she is avoiding you).

Just ask her if they want parents to stay or just drop off the children!

It sounds like you have made assumptions about her, the other parents, their jobs, and their social lives based on a comment about vegetarian food. I am not sure this is a reflection of her cliquey nature but more of your own insecurities vis a vis DS’ classmates and their wealth.

You seem to have put the worst possible interpretation on a conversation that doesn't appear to have been insulting in any way.
Are you one of these people who worries that no one likes you but insists that it must be their fault as they are shallow/snobs/cliquey when in fact you get in a huff about fuck all and make no allowances for other people?

It was a bit tactless to tell you that others are invited when you're not, but there are lots of plausible explanations before getting to "they think you're embarrassing".

I have a friend who does this. She makes these bald statements like "and it turned out they didn't become because she's jealous of my sister / because they've never liked Jerry / because he wasn't invited to the rugby last March", and then it takes half an hour of baffling conversation to get to the bottom of the fact that the "jealous of my sister / Jerry / rugby" explanation is a complete invention on her part, inspired by no evidence from the real world whatsoever, and when put under pressure, she doesn't even seem sure where she got the idea from in the first place, let alone how it became established fact in her mind.

Didn't come*, not didn't become...

I've been to a few children's parties over the years where I didn't receive an invitation myself, but when I drop my kids off I am offered a glass of wine/cup of tea/food from buffet and adults are either expected to stay or can stay if they wish.

Is this an adult party and your DS has been asked to come along and keep his friend occupied. Or is it a children's party where you think some other parents have been invited? Are there other children attending? What sort of party is it? This whole post is hard to follow.

See. To me that sounds like she has invited you and wanted to reassure you that you could eat the food. I always welcome all family members when I invite children to parties, playdates etc because it is rude not to in my culture. But I always make sure to put down parents and siblings welcome on all invitations because I know that the British don't have the same manners re inviting everyone but they do have the good sense to realise that turning up in invited is extremely rude. Is this woman British? If her family is fr elsewhere then there is likely a presumption that you understand that she would never be rude enough to exclude you.

Just message the mother and say " Was lovely talking about the party plans but I totally forgot to ask, do you need me to bring anything else apart from DC and a gift for the Birthday kid?" and take it from there .

Unless she has form for being a deliberately nasty person (which it doesn't sound like, plus she obviously likes you enough to want to go to the cinema with you) I suspect it's crossed wires here. If she really wanted to invite all the other parents I think she'd have been more careful to keep it from you.

Either you are invited and she's just assumed you know, or it's kids only but she's providing veggie food for certain kids (including yours?) because their parents are veggie.

I know where you're coming from, even if i seem to be the only one that does!

My neighbour is like this. We live in a tiny hamlet in the country. I've lived here for years. When they moved in I thought we became friends. She used to ride, so used to come out on my horses, they came to our wedding, our parties, we got on well. Then one day they had a house party, we weren't invited, it was a posh work party, so we didn't mind. Then they had another and another without inviting us. I came to realise that they only socialised with us on our own or with our friends, we were never allowed to mingle with theirs. Their friends were very much like them, posh cars, designer clothes, whereas we are more country bumpkin types. I was quite offended at the time. I stepped away and distanced myself. Nowadays we still say hello, but I wouldn't say we are friends. I've since met a lot of her ex friends, who call her a social climber that is only interested in rich people.

I was once asked if I would mind staying at a kid's party to help out as the person hosting knew I like kids - even other people's! I would be very surprised if other parents had been bothered or insulted - I'm sure most were happy to have their kid entertained for a couple of hours!
Perhaps the other parents she mentioned are just extra helping hands?

I am quite sure you've misunderstood her.

As you are a vegetarian, you could ring the parent and say 'I just had a thought, as XYZ are veggie, would you like me to bring along a plate of 'my favourite vegetarian party food', it always goes down really well? And would you like us to stay or leave DS'

Am quite sure she'll say along the lines of that'll be lovely if you don't mind bringing the food, thank you, and see you on party day, you're welcome to stay or not as you prefer.

She hasn't not invited you. She's told you the time, place what food she's serving. Your comment about the other parents' jobs says to me that you have an issue with them rather than her with you.

..or it could be because she doesn't know them as well and she has already arranged a meet up with you separately.
I think that you are overreacting.
Not everyone gets invited to everything once you are past the KS1 stage. You are adults. She perceives you as her 'mum' friend and has invited you and your son to the cinema. She doesn't perceive you as a 'couple friend' to invite to the house but that is OK.

YABVU, OP. This is all in your head and nothing to do with the other parents. They haven’t said you aren’t invited or even implied it; you’re making it up!

You are doing a lot of jumping to conclusions here, without having actually asked some basic questions, and you are already talking about pulling out of future plans, before you have got to the bottom of it.
It sounds like you didn't feel comfortable, and have been looking for an excuse to serve ties