To expect husband to pay half our expenses?

[namechangedforthis125]

DH is a great dad, does all the cooking, works full time. After an injury had to look for a desk job which pays something but as no qualifications, not enough (15k) - before injury about 25k.

Me - this year SAHM, previously marketing roles (30k+ per year). I have 3 properties rented out. They pay for themselves with a little left over, we rent ourselves. We have a prenup and properties are going straight to our DS via trust.

Nearest FT childcare is £1850 pm which basically stops me from working. He pays bills and that's it, I pay 2 days of childcare + rent (1450£) + car insurance (1k a year) + holidays. Out of MY personal savings.
He doesn't see the problem. AIBU to expect him to cover the cost of half the expenses?

My savings are quickly going down and I'm worried about what will happen where they are gone. He was paying only 2 bills I kicked off big time and he took 9 extra on (think small stuff like TV licence).

To clarify neither of us go out or have luxuries aside from holidays. We have agreed to relocate to a different city to lower the rent cost once our contract is over, but that still doesn't solve the issue of him
Not understanding that we should be going halfs.

Does it get easier once kids each 3 years old and have funded hours at nursery? AIBU to be annoyed? I would have loved to have another kid but can't see how it would work financially if the mentality doesn't change.

I think it depends, dp and i don’t go halves on everything because he earns a lot more than me, and I work part time as it worked out better for us once we had kids. We go halves on house bills and food shop, he pays majority of mortgage (think about 65%) and i cover childcare costs. Then we cover our own car insurance, mobiles etc etc.

Why do you make it so complicated? Just treat all income as family money and pay the bills from the family money.
For better for worse, in sickness in health, etc
it's joint money anyway if you happened to split, I don't get why people have his n her when married.

I would stop the child care as its a luxury. You going back to work full time would work better financially. With your husband staying at home with the child until the child starts school. Other wise your savings are going to disappear fast!

It's not joint money if they split though she stated there's already a pre nup in place

i earn about a quarter of my dh's income.
he pays all the bills and the mortgage.
I buy food, pay our kids allowances, pay for school trips[currently paying 100 a month for example], pay for the AA, buy all their clothes etc

But he would also buy food, petrol etc

it's family money. we are a team.
if he said to me that i had to pay 50% of all bills and mortgage i just wouldn't be able to be cause i don't earn enough.
Any money i manage to save gets spent on things for all of us like holidays etc

What was his previous job and what was the injury that prevented him doing it? would it prevent him doing other work he is trained for?

Your DH is completely different from you in terms of his approach to work. I think you are always going to struggle with that.

If you return to work and money becomes less tight you will probably resent him even more for his low contribution and your increased stress and tiredness.

You need to find compromises you can both be happy with.

( a friend had a bright but ultimately lazy DH who simply never made any career progression. She forged her way up to a really senior post working mad hours and a long commute. They did make it work but I don’t think it’s been easy, particularly for her.)

A partnership is about having an arrangement that both people are happy with. The OP clearly thinks her DH could find a better paid job. For those of you saying it doesn't matter what each person brings in, how far would you go with that. Is it OK for the DH to decide he's not going to work at all or to leave his 15k job for an 8k job that he enjoys more. If I was bringing 25k in then couldn't do that sort of job anymore I would be looking at options to retrain. I wouldn't just expect my DH to work harder or use his savings to cover the gap. I doubt the OP's DH is depressed. From the later updates it sounds as though he's always had an issue with making a proper contribution to household expenses. I expect he's more than happy in his low paid, probably fairly low stress job with a wife who covers cost of a house big enough for Dss to stay in and holidays for them all. Absolutely staggered that so many of you think the answer to their money issues is for the wife to bring in yet more!

If they're in the UK, the prenup means nothing. They are sometimes upheld but they're not legally enforceable.

You've neglected to reveal just how much net income you receive from your rentals, which is important really when you've disclosed his earnings and your outgoings.

Ultimately you need to live to your means which possibly doesn't allow for £5.2k on childcare when you're at home or over £600 a year on sky.

Sliding past the set up you have cause it genuinely baffles me, there are a lot of things you can do to alleviate your costs. Here we have, combined, around £16k a year, with 4 kids to raise. Holidays are cheap and cheerful - camping - and we get a break as a couple one weekend a year. Days out to places like Lego land are paid with by clubcard vouchers, I grow my own veg and keep chickens to cut down on food costs though obviously that's not for everyone. Facebook groups like extreme bargains and cash back sites are a god send for saving on the fun stuff and giving back when I change providers, which I do for EVERYTHING once a year (pays for a fantastic Christmas). Plus our 3 bed house is £550 a month because of where we chose to live. It's very possible to live on a small income.

Is anyone not thinking WTAF!!! I've no masters degree in Math, however NONE of this adds up!! One min a spread sheet advises he pays £12.300 per year, the next its just under 7K

OP's Dh apparently earns 15k on a 0 hour contract in which if he takes time off he does not get paid... only he does get paid, however he gets an additional payment on his weekly/monthly wage. If he chooses to not save that money when he takes leave, then that his choice to do so!.

However he is getting holiday pay as its a legal statutory right! 0 hour contracts accrue holiday pay exactly the same way as anybody else, they just don't get it when they take leave.

Also no such thing as a legally binding pre-nup in the UK

He was injured in which he was forced him to take a lower paid job.

You can also work OP, you find a job that fits in with your dh hours.

You don't need childcare, I'm a landlord of a large scale, you only have 3 properties, you don't need to take weekly days off to look after them, frankly if you did, your either keeping the properties to very poor standard, or your massively overbearing on your tenants.

YABU - you cant have a whole cake, when you've only paid for a slice!

I'm also struggling to understand you have 3 -BTL properties yet you don't work and I know your not a cash buyer as you can't live in them due to the conditions of your BTL (as your previous post states)

Sorry if you have clarified this already but why do you rent the home you live in that makes no financial sense? When I married I re-Morgaged my flat and bought a family home with that money so we own and make a tiny bit from the flat rental. It is in good condition so only needs a few days matenence/ cleaning between tenants every couple of years! I certainly don't need to go there every week!
Your post comes across to me like the real problem is your feelings for your husband, it does not sound like you respect him much and he is disappointing you. Renting also shows lack of commitment to be honest, I may be getting this all wrong though?

This all sounds very complicated.

I read so many 'he pays for this and I pay for that' kind of posts. I really don't understand why 2 grown adults in a relationship cannot pool everything together and share. It's not a competition - does it matter who earns more or who stays at home more or in your case who has more houses? At the end of the day you are in this together..

And no - he shouldn't be paying half, he doesn't earn as much as you.

It's fine in principle for your DH to split bills 50-50 with you if you earn the same income. If he is the lower earner, however, then it's fairer for him to only pay the proportion of the household expenses that he earns in income e.g. if he earns 1/3 of what you earn then he would pay 1/3 of the household costs. Then you are both putting in what you can afford.

I've seen a few posts on here over the years where a woman (usually) is married to someone who outearns her significantly e.g. 20k vs. 80k and yet the DH always expects her to pay half or as much as she can of the bills. The advice is always that she should only pay the proportion of the bills that she can afford i.e. in that case 1/4 since she earns 1/4 of what her DH does.

Your case is unusual because his earnings are low but still more than yours since you technically don't earn money but instead have savings you draw on (it would be much better to invest your savings and use the income, by the way, rather than drawing down on the capital).

If you're happy to deplete your savings to fund your choice to be a SAHM, that's fine, but your DH's earnings are irrelevant then. His 15k income is so low that covering what he can with his pay cheque is fair enough. You can't get blood from a stone! And if he's not ambitious, you can't blame him for that. Not everyone has the same work ethic and presumably you knew his personality when you married him.

She said he doesn’t want to be a sahp
Therein lies the problem. This would be a much better solution
Funny isn’t it, women look at their salary and think I don’t have much choice other than that because of my income, but he’s thought, nah I don’t fancy that.
There is a massive disconnect there, people who end up being the sahp generally earn the least. This is what he should be doing.

I am in a very expensive area childcare wise and your assertion that to get a full time nursery is nearly £2000 per month is very very steep.

Just looked at local nursery I used and it is nearer £1400 per month.

I know this sounds bizarre if you have set your future on owning 3 btl properties but have you sat down and actually worked out what they are costing. Including the cost of one days childcare each week, your tax bill, repairs, maintenance, mortgage, letting fees, house insurance, landlord insurance and void periods etc against what they bring in.

Also you have to add on the fact the rent you are paying is astronomical compared to if you cashed in your btls and bought your own property. Even if you ring fenced the percentage of your deposit your mortgage would probably reduce your outgoings.

I think you need to take a long hard look at all your outgoings.

Eg your car insurance is astronomical.

I've never been so conflicted by a thread before. Part of me is on your DH's side and part of me is on your side.
Realistically I think suck it up til your back at work but make it clear to him that once that happens, ALL bills are being fairly apportioned (50/50, 70/30, 60/40...whatever makes the most sense to you as a family). That should include an annual budget for family holidays etc divided by 12 and apportioned too. At that point, see how he reacts. If he throws his toys out of the pram, then he either gets another/better job. Retrains. Or becomes the sahp. I also think you should do a full overhaul on utilities/phones/car insurance to reduce your costs as far as possible and ease the budget.
Good luck

When you’re on more of an even keel. Going forwards if you’re keeping money separate you need to do it in %s to make it fsir. If poss.

It's not right for everyone and it's not perfect but we did the following: married couple = all assets and income are joint.

By my reckoning from your spreadsheet, he is paying roughly £5760 a year and I did separate the annual bills to work that out. So I don't really understand your workings. Also, flights for 3000? Is that a necessary expense? And the car insurance is huge.

I always thought in marriage you share what you have as it all works out either physically (in terms of expenditure and effort) and emotionally in terms of mental support for each other. You say your DH had an accident so I would guess he would have struggled after that. You also say that you have taken a year off to recuperate, so that is your choice. I imagine he has supported you in that decision. Breaking into your savings is as much your decision from taking time off.

Basically if you’re eating into savings then you can’t afford your lifestyle, so that needs to change. There are many options: 1) you go back to work and your husband stays at home 2) you choose cheaper childcare, eg nursery 3) you work part time and choose cheaper child care 4) you continue being a sahm, but don’t put your son in childcare etc etc. They are your choices. Discuss options with your husband and make the necessary changes

Don’t forget to factor in that you will possibly have to pay CGT when you sell your properties.

From what you say of his reluctance to socialise I would guess your DH is on the spectrum as well as his DS. Don't nag the man. Aspies don't process information in the same way as neurotypical people do. My SO has AS and it can be a killer for him to go out of the house, sometimes. He won't use the phone and only recently has been able to answer the doorbell. Give him time, give him patience. My SO is the SAHP and I work. We manage better that way. Why not try?

I would add, even though we have separate bank accounts and so forth, we don't think in terms of 'yours/mine'. What we have is ours. The money I earn is ours, same as the meals he cooks are ours.