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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 12:13

"I assume she no longer wants to play with her because she was separated from her at nursery"

And that is why you drove a wedge between the 2 girls, because you wanted your daughter to find another friend. You got what you wanted. What are you whingeing about? That your selfish and cruel action now have consequences? Really? Did it not occur to you before tearing a friendship apart?

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 10/09/2018 12:13

I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken

You did lie! You lied to her, upset her kid and are surprised she stopped speaking to you?

What are you going to tell the head> "I fell out with myfriend because I was a total bitch to her, now I'm all alone at pick up time, poor me!"

Do it, I dare you!

Spacezombies · 10/09/2018 12:14

@Nannyplumshairstyle

Yes, they are. But it's a parents job to step in and teach them that it's wrong.
In this case, the mum is behaving in the same way. It's not the best environment for a child to learn right from wrong for social interactions.

Cheetoburrito · 10/09/2018 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheetoburrito · 10/09/2018 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 12:16

Nanny, it would Be very unlikely that this child decided, at the age of four, to continually exclude this little girl, telling her she want to play with her, at the exact same time her mother was excluding the other mother, blocking her on Facebook etc.

It's far more likely the two are linked. I think that's fairly obvious.

TacoFriday · 10/09/2018 12:17

“Did mutual friend Mum move schools because she felt your DD was suffocating hers by not letting any other children play with them ?“

I wondered the same.

SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 12:17

"I separated them because I felt that my ex friends DD was suffocating her. They spent all day together at nursery and had play dates at home"

You clearly don't understand that that is NORMAL for children and friendships. It is becoming more clear than you have never actually had a best friend, if you think that behaviour is 'suffocating'. If that is 'suffocating', then 99.947999999% of us have been in suffocating friendships. And clearly your daughter was able to make new friends easily, as you've already said she made another friend.

So there was no need to separate her from her bestie, in the first place. So your daughter's new friendships nullifies your entire reason for what you did. Ergo, you caused unnecessary pain and a loss of a good friendship for your child - and yourself - for NO REASON AT ALL. Good job.

Quartz2208 · 10/09/2018 12:18

DD has had 2 best friends since reception (she is now Year 5) and they are always together and are like sisters - they play with others but they are best friends.

You made the decision to do this when you split them up at nursery - if one of my daughters best friends mum had done what you did.

Then with my son one of his good friends was very dependent on him and another boy and preschool recommended they stayed together - he has settled in much better with his two close friends to support him and they are still friends but have branched out as well

and the school should have been involved when your DD was refusing to play with a friend

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 12:18

OP you obviously don't think you or DD have behaved wrongly which is your prerogative I guess. But you have two choices now, you can either carry on believing you're right and go through your DDs school years being left out with no friends or you can address what you've done and try and make some amends.

If you choose the latter your first port of call would be to sincerely apologise to your friend and try and see if she will forgive you.

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 10/09/2018 12:20

Unless your daughter ex friend wasn't allowing her to play with other children then I don't see how you can say the other child was possessive of your child. Some children prefer one on one and that's ok as long as they're not excluding other children from one another which hasn't been the case with your daughter and her ex friend.

I would have been devastated to have been separated from my best friend at that age. I was a shy kid and would have struggled not having my friend there.

Beaverhausen · 10/09/2018 12:20

Sadly by reading that her DD asked ex BF to not play with her and mutual friend means the mothers attitude has already started to rub off on the daughter. Very sad to see, good luck with the Headmaster no doubt when he talks to the other mothers you will find yourself even more alienated not only by them but also by the teachers. And it will be a long few lonely years, I just hope the parents feel they can not include your daughter with birthday parties etc to avoid you and your pettiness.

Therealjudgejudy · 10/09/2018 12:21

You are blaming people on here for telling it like it is...no wonder you shout bully when people don't agree with you. You sound like a nightmare

Nannyplumshairstyle · 10/09/2018 12:22

Believe me, as a Reception and Key Stage 1 teacher it is likely, very likely that a child would leave another child out continuously. I spend most of my time dealing with such situations.

I also agree with the general consensus that parents should as far as possible, not get involved, nip mean behaviour in the bud etc but I don't think people should be surprised that ALL children lie to others, exclude their peers and generally behave appallingly towards one another some of the time, regardless of how im/perfectly the parents behave.

slashlover · 10/09/2018 12:24

Maybe try to think of it from the perspective of the other little girl?

Her best friend was suddenly removed completely, not even seeing each other outside of nursery. She starts school and her best friend is back, along with another friend! Starting school is scary but she has two people she knows! However her best friend tells her that she's not allowed to play with her OR the other girl.

How would you have felt if your DD had started school and mutual friend decided to only be friends with ex-best friend? Two of her DDs friends exciding her?

JessicaJonesJacket · 10/09/2018 12:24

You changed your work days to try to engineer your DD's friendships and it's come back and bit you on the backside.
You have a lot of bridge building to do and crying to the HT isn't the way to do it. You just have to accept you were wrong. You deliberately broke up friendships, lied, and excluded a little girl because it suited you. You're now reaping what you sowed and only a lot of time and noticeably better behaviour from you will help to change others' opinions of you now.

MardyMavis · 10/09/2018 12:25

Served you right tbf.

RedRaggedRun · 10/09/2018 12:26

She didn't need to stop being friends with one girl to be friends with another, it's not one or the other.

It all sounds very childish.

What you need to do now is;

  1. Apologise to your 'ex-friend' for lying to her.
  2. Apologise for it appearing that you have excluded her daughter, tell her that was never your intention and you hope this will blow over very soon.
  3. Tell her you will leave it to the children to decide who they want to play with but you will make sure to encourage your daughter to include and share with everyone who wants to play.

It will do her good to be friends and play with a range of children. In real life you can't avoid people and they were good friends once so it's good experience for her.

Do not talk to the head, it will only aggregate the situation.
You need to be adults and resolve this.

Needahairbrush · 10/09/2018 12:27

In the very remote chance this isn’t s reverse.... it’s not bullying it’s called reaping what you sow.
If you are this invested in a 5 year olds friendship what are you going to be like when they are older and all the shit that goes along with that??
As a mum of 2 teens and a pre teen I strongly suggest you butt out of your daughters friendships for her sake! She had a best friend and you ruined it for her! I’m not sure you can make this right now.

SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 12:27

"I am probably over invested but my DD finds it hard to make friends"

Sorry for shouting but ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY! You already PROVED your DD finds it very easy to make new friends. Hence why you didn't need to separate them, to begin with! Your DD proved you wrong!

Needahairbrush · 10/09/2018 12:28

And FGS don’t talk to the Head, they will have real issues to sort out.

ADastardlyThing · 10/09/2018 12:28

Are you actually fucking serious? 😂

I don't think i've ever seen a more self unaware op.

TheStopAndChat · 10/09/2018 12:30

You manipulated a little girls friendship. You seem unable to 'hear' anything that has been said to you. Considering how you must be affecting your dd, that seems really foolish.

You created this mess OP and you need to think long and hard about how you can make amends

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 10/09/2018 12:32

You sound awful.........your daughter doesnt sound all that pleasant either 🤷‍♀️

SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 12:33

@JoulesMrs "I posted hoping that someone had a similar experience and could offer support but all I've got is abuse and being called a shit parent!"
And the UNANIMOUS consensus is that you were being absolutely unreasonable. A stable person would read the replies and acknowledge you were in the wrong, you were a bully and you've turned your daughter into a bully. Acknowledge that, thank the posters here, and go and apologise to your ex-friend (if for no other reason than she deserves an apology), apologise to her daughter for forcing your daughter to break up with her, and apologise to your own daughter and apologise to her for taking her bestie away from her and now causing her troubles because of your actions.

You are not going to get sympathy because clearly no one else on here has been a manipulative and nasty bully like you, so cannot empathise with your behaviour. You behaved very badly, if you want validation for your despicable and cruel behaviour, you have come to the wrong place. Clearly you are stubborn and refuse to take these posts on board. I pray you look in the mirror and review your own actions and make a change - if only for your daughter's sake. You are the one in the wrong, accept it and strive to do better.