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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have been put between a rock and...another rock?!

83 replies

RockAndCrazyPlace · 10/09/2018 09:23

I'll get to the point. I'm 29 and DH is a few years older than me. We have been married for two years and together for five years. We have two DC's together and I have one pre teen from my previous relationship.

My DH works full time (Mon - Fri 9 till 5) and I'm a SAHM, I help out at a health clinic that's within my DM's work sector I'm fingers crossed, going to be involved in some paid employment with this clinic in the future.

Before my DC's arrived, I did - school, college, uni and have had a few part time little jobs. A few short years ago I had major surgery and haven't been left "fully fixed" so I've been at home but always said to DH that I would eventually like to be in full time work.

We could live on his wages but they go into his account and I just get the basic CB etc. It's not even really about money, I would like a career for myself. So, I said that when our youngest goes to pre school then I would like to go into work.

He's always kind of given me an incoherent "Mmm" when I've spoken about it in the past. I didn't think too much about it but started to notice it more when he would moan about having to watch the kids whilst I did a night class at college a few months ago (it was on two hours once a week)

Our house is a bit on the small side, which I know annoys him, so thinking I was being helpful, I suggested that when I find a job, that I get one in the town he works in and we move there. That way everyone is in the same place. DH has this annoying habit of giving me the silent treatment when he hears something he doesn't like - which he did after I'd spoken.

When he eventually did speak, he said "I don't want things to change, I quite like things the way they are". Before I had time to question him, he also added that he didn't think it would be fair to expect him to do any of the school runs on top of "everything he already does" (work is all I could think of).

Now, I'm probably going to get flamed but I didn't say anything at the time, other than "Ok we'll leave it for now". I didn't say anything because I was hurt. It dawned on me, properly for the first time that my DH doesn't care about my career prospects and had never planned on doing the school run or taking time off if they were poorly.

But it's ok for me to spend the next however many years to do that on my own? He's even implied before that I should get a part time job that I could fit around school hours as he didn't want his work life to change. His employer is very family friendly and plenty of his colleagues work around their DC's.

I being unreasonable or is it ok to expect that the kids are 50/50 our responsibility? Am I being unreasonable to want a career? After struggling with my health, going into work is a huge thing for me and I feel like he doesn't give a rats ass about it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
RockAndCrazyPlace · 10/09/2018 09:25

Sorry, I meant to write "Am I being unreasonable?" Not "I being unreasonable" lol

OP posts:
ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 09:26

Wait so he doesn't want things to change? You do all the childcare and he gets to work and keep all the money to do with as he likes? No way would I accept that. Obviously your DH is BVU.

Storm4star · 10/09/2018 09:30

Clearly you are not being at all unreasonable. He doesn't want things to change? Tough! You have a say in this too. He is going to have to face up to the fact that you are well within your rights to have your own career. Obviously you are going to have to have a serious talk with him, where him going silent just won't cut it. Prepare well what you want to say and present it to him as facts, not an idea for him to have an opinion on! More of a "this is going to happen".

FromNowOn · 10/09/2018 09:33

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, he sounds so selfish.

Usernc12 · 10/09/2018 09:33

Wouldn't be putting up with the silent treatment. That's not being an adult...

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 10/09/2018 09:35

Agree entirely with storm4star. As for the silent treatment - you do well to cope with it. I'd go batty!

dangermouseisace · 10/09/2018 09:38

YANBU, and it would be best to bring that up with him ASAP.

Unfortunately this is how many of us find out that yes, sexism/the patriarchy is real and women don’t have equal rights, and are shat on from a great height.

He might like things as they are, but you clearly don’t so the situation will have to change.

SossidgeRoll · 10/09/2018 09:54

It dawned on me, properly for the first time that my DH doesn't care about my career prospects and had never planned on doing the school run or taking time off if they were poorly

Yep. Now, even the very best people resist change if it negatively impacts them, he's got quite a cushy number there, but will he step up once he realises that this is important to you? and that you are not a fucking fembot there to serve him? I hope so. Explain calmly what you have here and give him some time to get his head around it. If he still resists then you may need to remind that you are not a housekeeper and crack on regardless. Be prepared for this to affect the relationship tho. It did mine. Although we are better now and I am working!

Elephant14 · 10/09/2018 09:54

obviously you are not being unreasonable, why would you ask that? The question is what do you want to do about it? Does he have form? Does he do his share of chores around the house, help with planning etc.? Or are you the domestic?

Original poster
RockAndCrazyPlace · 10/09/2018 09:56

Yeah, the silent treatment really pisses me off! Sometimes he won't talk to me for a whole day if something I have said has irked him!

I spoke to my mum about it this morning and she reckons that I should just leave it for now until I'm ready to go into work and not say anything in the mean time but I don't think I agree.

Surely it's better to know where I stand now?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/09/2018 09:56

So, he likes to be in control .... not good OP, make sure you clearly state your intentions.

Troels · 10/09/2018 09:57

This isn't how marriage works, it's supposed to be a parnership with shared decisions and with shared finaces. Sounds more like a dictatorship/unpaid endentured servant type situation.

Original poster
RockAndCrazyPlace · 10/09/2018 09:59

@Elephant14. House stuff is mainly me yeah. Help with planning? He doesn't do that lol. I have had health appointments over the last 18 months that I've needed to go to that I've had to ask my parents to help out with as he just won't. He's helped in the past but not for a good while. In his head I think he thinks he does more - if that makes sense.

What do you mean by form? Sorry if I'm being dense!

OP posts:
Original poster
RockAndCrazyPlace · 10/09/2018 10:04

@Troels I will like it to be equal, I would like to be able to say "Here's my half of the rent" etc. I thought that most partners would be happy to half the financial burden halved but it feels like DH would rather almost have a live in help Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
RockAndCrazyPlace · 10/09/2018 10:07

@SossidgeRoll. My mum has said to be prepared that be might not follow me once I've made the decision to go into a job - this is really upsetting but I'm not willing to just give up on what I want.

OP posts:
Godowneasy · 10/09/2018 10:09

He doesn't share 'his' money? You only have the 'CB etc'?
What exactly is the 'etc' here?

If i were you, I'd be planning a very well paid career as soon as possible, probably with a view to separating from this very controlling and financially abusive git as soon as possible.

It astounds me how many couples seem to live like this, where the female has no economic autonomy or independence.

subspace · 10/09/2018 10:11

Plan and get on with your career plans anyway, @Rock. Lord knows it sounds like you're a single mum whether your in a relationship with him or not, so best act all the way like one, including having your own proper source of income. I'm not saying you should break up with him, but from other people's scenarios shared on here I'd say it would be sensible to start saving a nest egg so that if down the line you do split up, you've got something.

JennyHolzersGhost · 10/09/2018 10:11

This is why men need to take family responsibility from day one when children come along. Sorry OP I know that doesn’t help you now.

I would be getting back into work ASAP, even if it’s only part time in school hours to start with. I would also be building some structured housework and childcare into your H’s schedule - he needs to start getting used to having the kids on his own and doing some regular tasks. If he resists that, then I think you’ll need to have a serious think about the extent to which you’re willing to spend your life acting as his unpaid slave.

Oh and you should have access to the money. Joint account time I think.

JennyHolzersGhost · 10/09/2018 10:13

And yes - set up a running away fund. Put it in a separate account. Don’t tell him about it and keep the paperwork somewhere safe. Put money into it as regularly as you can, it will all add up.

Who pays for the food shopping ? I bet you do it, where does the money come from ?

AnyFucker · 10/09/2018 10:13

Divorce him. Get (at least) half of the marital assets. Use childcare so you can work. Claim child support from him plus any benefits that will help you get on your feet.

You will be better off in the long run....emotionally and financially

Jux · 10/09/2018 10:14

Y,ou're his housekeeper and childminder, your job is 24/7 and when you take time off for health appointments you are in dereliction of your duties. He has the added advantage of a housekeeper/childminder whom he can shag.

He's right into a very cushy number here. Point it out. If he responds with horror at his own behaviour then he'll want to change things. If he doesn't.....

subspace · 10/09/2018 10:14

Oh, and anybody giving me the silent treatment can eff right off. I don't know what, but I'd suggest some sort of consequence for him doing that to you. Like if he does the silent treatment to you in the morning, he'll come home to find you and kids are out without him four a meal that evening and no you haven't prepared him anything.

Hideandgo · 10/09/2018 10:14

You’re being used.

Usernc12 · 10/09/2018 10:15

I am the domestic help, basically, in our relationship but it's a bit different as I have full access to the cash and have spent the years building up my own business. Plus if I want to go do something, I get support.

Don't be in the situation that ladies on here find themselves in, 20 years down the road and no cash, no pension, older so harder to get a job, etc. and DH goes off with another woman as you're nagging him and it's all your fault, blah, blah, blah...

subspace · 10/09/2018 10:17

So many of these scenarios I think gosh, wake up and get a ton more self-respect and love for yourself. His behaviour is absolutely not okay and I wouldn't be acting like it was.