To think I have been put between a rock and...another rock?!

[RockAndCrazyPlace]

I'll get to the point. I'm 29 and DH is a few years older than me. We have been married for two years and together for five years. We have two DC's together and I have one pre teen from my previous relationship.

My DH works full time (Mon - Fri 9 till 5) and I'm a SAHM, I help out at a health clinic that's within my DM's work sector I'm fingers crossed, going to be involved in some paid employment with this clinic in the future.

Before my DC's arrived, I did - school, college, uni and have had a few part time little jobs. A few short years ago I had major surgery and haven't been left "fully fixed" so I've been at home but always said to DH that I would eventually like to be in full time work.

We could live on his wages but they go into his account and I just get the basic CB etc. It's not even really about money, I would like a career for myself. So, I said that when our youngest goes to pre school then I would like to go into work.

He's always kind of given me an incoherent "Mmm" when I've spoken about it in the past. I didn't think too much about it but started to notice it more when he would moan about having to watch the kids whilst I did a night class at college a few months ago (it was on two hours once a week)

Our house is a bit on the small side, which I know annoys him, so thinking I was being helpful, I suggested that when I find a job, that I get one in the town he works in and we move there. That way everyone is in the same place. DH has this annoying habit of giving me the silent treatment when he hears something he doesn't like - which he did after I'd spoken.

When he eventually did speak, he said "I don't want things to change, I quite like things the way they are". Before I had time to question him, he also added that he didn't think it would be fair to expect him to do any of the school runs on top of "everything he already does" (work is all I could think of).

Now, I'm probably going to get flamed but I didn't say anything at the time, other than "Ok we'll leave it for now". I didn't say anything because I was hurt. It dawned on me, properly for the first time that my DH doesn't care about my career prospects and had never planned on doing the school run or taking time off if they were poorly.

But it's ok for me to spend the next however many years to do that on my own? He's even implied before that I should get a part time job that I could fit around school hours as he didn't want his work life to change. His employer is very family friendly and plenty of his colleagues work around their DC's.

I being unreasonable or is it ok to expect that the kids are 50/50 our responsibility? Am I being unreasonable to want a career? After struggling with my health, going into work is a huge thing for me and I feel like he doesn't give a rats ass about it

You're definitely not BU.

I would consider leaving him. He sounds bloody awful and unsupportive.

"I don't want things to change, I quite like things the way they are"

"Well I do want things to change and am not happy with how things are, so they are going to have to change. I expect you as MY HUSBAND to support me and want me to be happy as well. Don't you?"

Of course he likes things the way they are, why wouldn't he? Hes got it all his own way!

OP, please clarify - do you love him and want to work at this relationship? It does not sound fair or healthy tbh. It's difficult to deal with someone who refuses to communicate in an adult manner and does the silent treatment or walking off but you need to change the dynamic here. He's being controlling and doesn't respect you right to your own life.

YA so NBU.

• your right to your own life.

it feels like DH would rather almost have a live in help

An unpaid servant more like!

Do you have access to family money when you want to buy something for yourself/get hair done etc?
Or do you have to ask him for it like a child asking a parent?

Tell him you do want things to change.....and you both need to discuss this.
A partnership is about mutual respect and compromise, so far he's acting like a dictatorial, controlling and passive aggressive nobhead.

I just spoke to him actually on the phone. I told him that I was planning on asking the local kids club to pick up my middle DC from school as I'm recovering from a dual infection at the minute and I find the walk hard. His response was "Oh right, well how much will that cost? Oh well, I suppose I will just have to pick DC up after work - like Ithaca massive bind! I've never asked him to do this befire and I'm only asking because I am desperate.

@Godowneasy. Sorry lol I couldn't think of the word at the time of posting but the etc is tax credits. The tax credits goes into my bank and his wages go into his. I have my account and he has his - there's no joint account.

@subspace. Yeah I have thought about that except he does our tea 😂 (I sort the kids tea). I try and talk him out of the silent treatment but he'll either leave to room or just "fall asleep" in the chair!

@Jux I have bought up the health appointments a few times in the past as they are actually quite important but like I said he thinks that he's done a few to help so that's his part played .

@AnyFucker 😂 We are renting and our car is used so there aren't really any assets!

@JennyHolzersGhost. I do pay for food shopping/kids stuff out of my cb/tc Yeah. I haven't got much in there but I have been putting some money in my savings account.

@subspace. I Will crack on :-) small steps at the minute but still cracking.

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion about how vulnerable he is making both you and the whole family.

What happens to you if you split up?
What happens to you &the kids if he dies?
What happens to all if you if he was injured or ill and could no longer work.

My DH earns a very good salary, financially there is no need for me to work and indeed I have had periods of being a SAHM.

However I always return to work because I want to know that if anything happened I could suppprt myself and my children without any worry.

We’re both covered by life insurance as well.

I like to prepare for the absolute worst case. DH and I have been very, very happily married for 20 years so it’s not like divorce is likely but I owe it to my children to make sure I can support them
if necessary in any eventuality.

You never, ever know what’s round the corner.

@NonaGrey. I have had this conversation with DH a good few times. I know it sounds bit dramatic but we were watching a documentary about homeless people a few weeks ago and I said to him that the thought of that really worried me because if all of a sudden something happened then I would essentially be fucked.

We've talked about life insurance, unfortunately due to my condition, no one would insure me which makes me feel a bit like a failure. Hopefully when I'm 50 I can get some sort of over 50s cover. He seems reluctant to get insurance for himself. He always just said that I would get help if anything happened to him

Honestky? He has to,d you how things will be for him. And will always be.
I wouod t expect him to change, not when he is happy in a situation where he has all the control and power (he is the only working AND he is the one who has the money, leaving you with not a lot for yourself).

This man is living in the 1950 if not earlier.

Your mum is right. If you do get a job that isn’t within the school hours, expect him not to lift a finger and leave it all to you (like he does already anyway). Actually seen the silence treatment, I wouod expect him to make it harder work than needs be for you. Like having a go at you for the house not been clean enough or suddenly needing to do x or y and not been there when you need him (eg hosp appointment etc)

He really has an inflated sense of self importance.
In your position I would tell him straight, we pool money or I earn my own. That means you contributing to the upkeep of the home and taking care of the children. Ask him which days he is cleaning and cooking and start a rota for childcare. I’m bloody serious, I am a sahm for now, any hints, and really there not many, of it being his money, I offer to work and ask him what jobs he will do around the children and ho be aide his job is outside of the home and your is inside. Don’t ask him, put the options to him.

Wait a minute, you don’t have life insurance for either of you?

That pretty frightening.

You absolutely need to get a job ASAP and start socking that money away in savings and bloody well get some life insurance for him. It doesn’t cost that much.

What the hell does he think you are going to live on if he gets knocked over by a bus?

I’m really sorry you are in this position Rock you have my sympathies but honestly, you need to take action if he won’t.

@alpacanorange makes a good point, when you think there will be resistance, giving a choice of which options he will do is a good tactic. We often say to the kids I work with, "you can walk, or hop to the mat," either way, they're going to the mat. So with him, "right, kid needs picking up and I'm ill, would you like to pick them up or pay for an au pair?"

"There's too much housework for one person, would you like to vacuum or clean the windows?"

"Right, there's 80 hours of childcare to be done per week, you work 40 hours so if I do those 40 hours there's 40 more hours to be divided up so 20 each. Let's do a rota, would you like a 4 hour block on a Monday evening or to split that with me?

@whoaskedyou. I do love him yes and I do want things to work but if he's not willing to do his bit then I don't see how things will. Even if he reluctantly agreed in the end, it makes me sad at the thought of him resenting me because I essentially want equality in our marriage.

@HeebieJeebies456. I have a little money that goes into my account but it's for shopping and the kids.

@Alpacanorange. 😂 I'm still waiting for him to do the hoovering in the living room - our hoover is big and heavy so I can't use it at the minute. He'll happily complain that the floor needs hoovering but won't get it out and do it! I've just been making to with the long handle dust pan and brush for the last few days

@StormTreader. Mmm I just think he sometimes has me stuck in this house wife role and if I "get bored or lonely" I should go out more during the day . I don't want to just go out, I want a career! Besides how the heck are you meant to keep going out without spare £££??

@subspace. You make a good point, I do try to do that, with options. I don't think I ever make unreasonable suggestions. Like I said in my first post, I even suggested putting us all in the same place when I'm working so that the school run wouldn't be such a trek for either of us.

@NonaGrey. I'm not overly sure he does think about it! I think he thinks I would wade through if something happens to him!

I never understand these threads.

Why do you love him?

He’s mean, sulky, selfish and controlling.

What’s to love?

Of course he doesn't want things to change. He's got it so easy!
You aren't being unreasonable. He's a dick and a selfish, misogynistic, childish one at that.

Of course he is happy with how things are, because he doesn’t have to do anything. Why would he want life to change? He goes to work and he comes home. He doesn’t have to involve himself with the boring stuff such as school runs or do housework I imagine. That’s what you are for, you’re the home help. Stop calling it ‘helping’, it’s not helping it’s parenting and running a house, and he’s half of it.

He doesn’t care about your wishes and dreams. Have you asked him why not? Why don’t you matter?

Why does he control all the money? Why don’t you have a joint account? Is he financially abusive? It sounds like he likes to be in control. He certainly doesn’t want anything to upset his selfish little world. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t care about my welfare and thought that picking their own children up was something you can opt out of. Um...nope. Fuck that.

And as for him not listening or pretending to fall asleep, he doesn’t want to listen, he doesn’t care he isn’t interested. It’s as good as him standing there with his fingers in his ears and going la la la. It’s fucking rude and disrespectful.

He's a financially controlling, misogynistic twat.

How much spare does he have left every month. How much do you have?

You are 29. I would strongly counsel getting a job. Doesn't have to be full-time but continue as he would like and you will struggle to be employed. Sorry if that sounds harsh when you have had serious health issues.

How can you stay with someone who is happy for his partner to struggle financially when hes not?!

I think that even if he 'falls asleep in his chair' you just continue telling him very calmly and reasonably what is wrong with his attitude, what needs to change, what you will do should he refuse to engage any longer.

Talk calmly. He's not really asleep is he? It's a perfect time to just tell him.

I remember when my dh had gone into yet another sulk and stopped speaking to me for a couple of days. I told him that he could behave like a child all he wanted but that I was an adult and sorted problems by talking, that I was not going to tolerate it and if he continued to ignore me I would do whatever I felt was right regardless of him.

I made tea, including a cup for him, put it down next to him and said something like "here's your tea" and he snapped out of it, said "thank you" AND NEVER SULKED AGAIN, NEVER GAVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT AGAIN.