To think I have been put between a rock and...another rock?!

[RockAndCrazyPlace]

I'll get to the point. I'm 29 and DH is a few years older than me. We have been married for two years and together for five years. We have two DC's together and I have one pre teen from my previous relationship.

My DH works full time (Mon - Fri 9 till 5) and I'm a SAHM, I help out at a health clinic that's within my DM's work sector I'm fingers crossed, going to be involved in some paid employment with this clinic in the future.

Before my DC's arrived, I did - school, college, uni and have had a few part time little jobs. A few short years ago I had major surgery and haven't been left "fully fixed" so I've been at home but always said to DH that I would eventually like to be in full time work.

We could live on his wages but they go into his account and I just get the basic CB etc. It's not even really about money, I would like a career for myself. So, I said that when our youngest goes to pre school then I would like to go into work.

He's always kind of given me an incoherent "Mmm" when I've spoken about it in the past. I didn't think too much about it but started to notice it more when he would moan about having to watch the kids whilst I did a night class at college a few months ago (it was on two hours once a week)

Our house is a bit on the small side, which I know annoys him, so thinking I was being helpful, I suggested that when I find a job, that I get one in the town he works in and we move there. That way everyone is in the same place. DH has this annoying habit of giving me the silent treatment when he hears something he doesn't like - which he did after I'd spoken.

When he eventually did speak, he said "I don't want things to change, I quite like things the way they are". Before I had time to question him, he also added that he didn't think it would be fair to expect him to do any of the school runs on top of "everything he already does" (work is all I could think of).

Now, I'm probably going to get flamed but I didn't say anything at the time, other than "Ok we'll leave it for now". I didn't say anything because I was hurt. It dawned on me, properly for the first time that my DH doesn't care about my career prospects and had never planned on doing the school run or taking time off if they were poorly.

But it's ok for me to spend the next however many years to do that on my own? He's even implied before that I should get a part time job that I could fit around school hours as he didn't want his work life to change. His employer is very family friendly and plenty of his colleagues work around their DC's.

I being unreasonable or is it ok to expect that the kids are 50/50 our responsibility? Am I being unreasonable to want a career? After struggling with my health, going into work is a huge thing for me and I feel like he doesn't give a rats ass about it

If you're able to find work, I'd strongly recommend paying into the pension scheme, as there may well be a life insurance/death in service element and they don't tend to be as restrictive on health conditions as other life insurance policies.

THis makes me very sad for you.....is this what you want for your life?
this sounds no way to live....

would you want this for your DC?

why are you paying for the DC stuff - they are both your children....
why is he not pulling his weight ...esp if you have been unwell...

he really is showing you what he thinks of you and being a family....fuck all, an inconveniance

Aside from the excellent advice given upthread by lots of PPs, when you have the conversation with him again, could you ask him what he expects you to do in ten years time when your youngest is in high school? Are you to sit at home and wait for your teenagers to come home or will he expect you to go out and get a job then? Or when they leave home for university? In your 40's? It just doesn't make sense, financially, for you to stay at home if a) you don't want to b) you don't have to and c) for him either!

Love is not a rational thing is it?

Would counselling work? Sometimes people like a neutral third party to air their grievances with and resolve differences but the challenge is to get him there. He needs to learn communication skills for sure.

Good luck, OP.

Sometimes he won't talk to me for a whole day if something I have said has irked him!

He's training you. Like a horse or a dog: if he does this very painful thing to you you'll think twice about what you say in future.

The money thing, along with the silent treatment, does indicate you are not in an equal relationship. Or, rather, your partner is controlling and abusive.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Please do, at your very earliest xx

There's so many things I want to say here... but you MUST as soon as you possibly can, shore up your position. You are threatening his cosy life here and believe me, they don't like it. You must develop a means to support yourself because from your posts I can already see you are breaking free. He's going to stand in your way at every turn here.

@FromNowOn. Hmm, I hadn't really thought about the falling asleep think like that but I think you're right. I don't know if I would say that he was financially abusive but he is one of those people that keeps note of the fact that you owe them £1.50!

@Cawfee I don't know how much he has spare to be honest as I don't have access to his bank account.

@SelfCareAndKindness. I am trying yes. I may not have a whole bunch of full time work experience but I have decent qualifications.

@whoaskedyou. I have thought about counselling yes. I'm not sure how that works with someone who is fairly reluctant to talk though!

@TwllBach. I have put this point across before about the kids leaving school. I do think he thought that I would magically just walk out of the door into a job when they didn't need me anymore which isn't realistic at all!

@MotherWol. The pension scheme sounds like a solid idea. I don't know about the insurance though, my condition doesn't look good on paper (respiratory/heart).

@averythinline That's a sad way of looking at things but I think sometimes that he misses just having himself to worry about. My Dad was the same, to some degree he still is - like the idea of family but not so keen on the reality!

@PretendIWasNeverHere. ❤ Thank you ❤

The more updates you post OP, the worse it sounds. He is being v v unreasonable.

Is this what you want for your children - to be with a partner who wants them to stay home when it makes them unhappy, who gives them pocket money, who doesn't take into account their wishes or make joint decisions, who doesn't see themselves as an equal parent, who doesn't support their partner when they are ill, and doesn't even show them the basic respect of having a conversation with them or listening to them??? It doesn't sound like there are many good points! Sometimes we need to take a step back to see how bad things really are, and imagining it happen to someone else and what you would advise them can be useful.

If working would help you financially, give you some confidence, purpose and self esteem, if it would give more disposable income to your children and let them experience more, if it would benefit them to see their parent happy and motivate them to see you have a good career, but your husband just gives you the silent treatment because he doesn't see why he should pick up a hoover occasionally or drop off his kids a few times a week, then he is simply selfish. Everyone could benefit from this and if he's just putting his needs first he isn't doing what's best for the family

If I was you I think all this would push me further towards working just to keep my options open. And I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut about it unless you're seriously wanting to leave then best to play the long game while you sort stuff out. Good luck

If you divorce him his bank account will be treated as assets of the marriage and it will become fully open to you

See a solicitor. Find out your rights. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You are not trapped with this man...there are options.

One thing you should do is to make a list of everything your husband is paying for and a list of everything you are paying for. Then subtract these figures from how much he earns and how much you receive. I bet you will find he has quite a bit left over for himself and that you have nothing.

I would like to be able to say "Here's my half of the rent" etc. I thought that most partners would be happy to half the financial burden halved but it feels like DH would rather almost have a live in help confused

Not what I meant, shared finances means when one isn't working or earns more, the finances are still shared, all in one pot, bills paid, savings made and you both get equal spends.
Or if you are as old as Dh and me. All in one pot, savings made, no one bothers with spends, if one of us wants somthing, then we get it so long as the money is there.

he doesnt see it as important for you to have professional fulfillment or a career as he only values you in relation to what you do for him. Not as a person in your own right. Youre just his little wifey at home

[OP]

You sound level headed and lovely. If you can get a job, I wouldn't depend on your husband picking up kids/staying home if one is ill - it sounds as if he would deliberately sabotage what you tried to do.

Out of interest, do you get any support for your pre-teen from your PP? If not, why not? is that something you'd consider applying for? And how long is your DH's commute? He only works 9-5, no shifts that you've told us about, so how would that work with the job you have in mind? Do you know how much he earns?

Can you talk it through one more time with your DH and ask him what he's frightened of? what his objections are? you already know he prefers the status quo - so ask him if he'll still like it in 5 years and 10 years time. Does he still want to be living where you are? does he have any ambitions for his job or travel or holidays?

The more you write about your situation, the more your DH sounds like my STBXH.

I am up shit creek on benefits, and yes, did end up homeless with kids when he buggered off. I should have left him before he had the chance to screw up my life/career. He earns ££££ and has pensions, I never got to pay into a pension because even when I worked (without his support) I couldn’t afford it- he had ‘his’ money and mine was to pay for food, kids and quite often mortgage and bills too.

I’d query why, exactly, your DH doesn’t want you working. It makes economic sense. Only you know him but is he not wanting you to work because he wants to keep you dependent/him in control? You say you have qualifications- does he? Does he feel intellectually inferior?

You are all being really helpful ❤

@crosstalk. To answer your questions:

• No support from pre teens Dad. He "did a bunk" before she was born and haven't seen him since. I tried to claim CSA from him years ago but they reckoned they couldn't pin him down.

• DH doesn't work shifts no. His commute is a 20 minute drive each way. He car shares so doesn't have to make the drive every week.

• He earns a decent amount, probably slightly above average and definitely well above the minimum.

• I already know what he's afraid of - he doesn't want to do the school runs/childcare. My mum also thinks he might be worried about me having a life of my own - so to speak.

• He reckons he wants to live where we are until we want to buy. He never gives me specific timelines for anything or tells me really what he wants to happen in that regard.

@Troels. Sorry if I misunderstood. I get what you're saying now.

@HollowTalk. We have brief talks about finances but I think he keeps some of those secret. He has sold a few things since we've been together and gets an annual bonus.

You are not at all unreasonable, you need a life of your own. Insist on it and refuse to discuss any alternative, you've accommodated him sufficiently.

He may come round, who knows? Some people don't like their safe boat rocked but you should not suffer because of him being so mean and small minded.

You can survive without a partner, you know. Perfectly well too.

This is all so depressingly familiar on here. I genuinely hope you can get out of the FOG

If push comes to shove he may agree to counselling if it's better than a relationship breakdown. I know of people who refuse to discuss things properly with their OH but will open up to a counsellor as they're impartial and supportive. The counsellor may get him to understand your perspective without him feeling judged or getting into any recriminations. If he thinks he's losing you he may agree and you can build from there. Try Relate (often a waiting list anyway!).

Some times you have to plant an idea and every now and then revisit until he gets used to the idea that this is what you want to do and intend to do. He wont like it but will get used to the idea. I was sahm for 15 years. He really didnt like it. I started bit by bit pt and built up to ft . You wont win if you go for a head on clash. Play the log game. Start with some education that fits with school hours. You will enjoy it

On the other hand, some men take total exception to the idea of change and make life very difficult.

I'd have a real good think about what you want to do and make different plans for say education/courses, PT job, FT job with childcare costs, see what's workable and what's out there.

You said he’s a little bit older
How much are we talking?

Agree with the other posters he doesn’t sound great. He has a cushy set up with you acting as housekeeper and him doing sweet FA apart from go to work and he doesn’t want to the status quo to change.
Similar happened to my friend she was 20 he was 30 something when they got together and he was couldn’t handle it when she got a job and a life beyond him. He wanted her to stay young and dependent

They are getting a divorce now.
I’m delighted for her

He keeps track when you owe him £1.50??!!

This is it a normal living supportive relationship