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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to change my son's party

97 replies

SaphiraBlue · 09/09/2018 21:09

My DP and I both have boys, the same age, from previous relationships. He's currently having custody issues with his X (We currently have majority custody, when I met him he was bringing his son up on his own, an agreement and schedule has been in place the last 6 yrs and now his X wants to rearrange it). My son has a birthday coming up, the party has been booked for over a month and is due to start at 4pm, finishing at 7. DSS is due to go to his mums at 5:30. In the past, my DP has taken DSS to all party's as the X isn't involved in DSS social/school life and if DP doesn't take him, he doesn't end up going. If a party ever falls during DSS's mum's time to have him DP and his X would arrange for DP to take him and drop him back off at his mum's.

Due to the latest custody battle's DSS's mum won't allow DSS to attend my DS's party during her time. As a result, DP has asked for me to change the time of the party, I explained that the reason it was at that time was that it was the only available slot, regardless he'd asked that I call and change the time. I called (knowing full well that we wouldn't be able to change the time) and there's no other time slot. DP has then asked that I change the day of the party now. My X and his son (my son's half-brother) don't live nearby (a 3.5 hr drive) and are travelling up for the party (his son doesn't live with him so he's had to arrange with the mother of his son to arrange to come up) invites and RSVPs have been sent and received and everyone is able to make the party. AIBU not to want to change the party as 1. It's on my son's birthday, 2. Everyone else has already replied to tsay that they are coming. 3. I have suggested that DSS attend the first half of the party (though I know that it would be difficult for him to leave, at least he wouldn't miss all of it)

My DP has now said that the party is no longer to be mentioned in the house or around DSS, especially on the day of the party (My son's birthday) as it would upset him to know he was missing out. He's also cross with me for arranging it at a time when he is due to go to his mums. (which was because it was the only time slot available and he has always arranged in the past for him to make all other parties)

I'm now worried that this whole thing is going to affect the enjoyment for my son on his own birthday - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SaphiraBlue · 09/09/2018 21:15

FWIW - The party is less than a week away

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 09/09/2018 21:17

YANBU. Your son shouldn’t have to arrange his life around your DPs child access arrangements.

How old are the boys, just out of curiosity?

WhoWants2Know · 09/09/2018 21:18

Yes, that's going to ruin your son's birthday.

ChasedByBees · 09/09/2018 21:18

He is being unreasonable and of course you should be able to talk about your son’s party as should your son.

You absolutely can’t rearrange if people have made plans to attend.

JurassicAdventure · 09/09/2018 21:18

Can DH take DSS for a special day out with just those two? Then he won't have to leave halfway through the party and won't be missing out.

TacoFriday · 09/09/2018 21:21

“My DP has now said that the party is no longer to be mentioned in the house or around DSS, especially on the day of the party (My son's birthday) as it would upset him to know he was missing out.”

And you told him go fuck himself and packed his bags, right?

Because there is nothing else to say when a boyfriend demands you put your child’s feelings last.

MrsMozart · 09/09/2018 21:22

Your DP is being an arse.

It's your son's birthday. It should be about him.

Hellywelly10 · 09/09/2018 21:23

I would make a day of it and do something special with all the kids before the party then take ss to the party for the first hour.

Original poster
SaphiraBlue · 09/09/2018 21:23

The boys are 8, my sons will be turning 9.

DP has suggested that they go out for the day. If that's what keeps everyone happy I'll go along with that, but I think my son will miss DSS being there and DSS will hear people talking about the party before and after and will ultimately get upset that he's missed out. The party is split into 3rds- 1 hr trampolining, 1 hr for food and 1hr lazer tag. I suggested that he could make the trampolining bit and leave during the food so he's not mid activity.

OP posts:
SometimesMaybe · 09/09/2018 21:24

Different situation but when DDs best friend couldn’t come to her party we had a special birthday tea on another night - could you do something like this instead as a family (or trip to cinema or pizza express etc).
I wouldn’t say D.C. can’t talk about party as that’s not on but I would explain and ask him to be sensitive about it around the other boy.

I feel a bit sorry for your partner, clearly trying to be the best dad he can in difficult and stressful circumstances but it’s not fair to put it on your son. Take a breath and a night to sleep on it then try again tomorrow.

C0untDucku1a · 09/09/2018 21:25

Yanbu. Your parner might just be starting to show his true colours now he doesnt have total control over his son.

SpottingTheZebras · 09/09/2018 21:28

Can you do something special for the two of them on a day they can both attend? This isn’t to appease your DP but because an eight year old boy is the one who is being hurt and upset by this.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 09/09/2018 21:30

Your plans sound fine. He knows he has to go to his mum's. Promise the two of them a laser tag trip together another time. Do the cake before he has to go.

Di11y · 09/09/2018 21:30

I think his son should be asked his opinion. Yes it will be hard to leave half way through but he's old enough to decide for himself if he'd rather have trampolining or a day with his dad.

LuluBellaBlue · 09/09/2018 21:36

Or..... and I know this sounds a bit harsh. He (DP) just tells his ex, ‘son will be returned at x time’ (after the party) and puts his foot down!

Kahlua4me · 09/09/2018 21:46

That’s a hard situation for all.

I think shouldwestayorshouldwego has the best idea for the boys.

NataliaOsipova · 09/09/2018 21:46

I suggested that he could make the trampolining bit and leave during the food so he's not mid activity.

That sounds fine to me. Or, as a pp suggested, your DP makes his case more strongly for him to be allowed to have his son for another 90 minutes so he can do something he would enjoy. But he is being very unreasonable towards your DS.

Yika · 09/09/2018 21:46

I do sympathise, and your DP is trying to do the right thing by his son, but no, you should not have to reschedule the party, and no, you should not have to all take a vow of silence.

Just be honest with the DSS, explain the situation. He will survive missing the party and will be perfectly capable of understanding that it is a complicated situation and while you all want him there is it just not possible this time. After all, he is not being deliberately excluded! It is just a set of unfortunate circumstances. For goodness sake don't go all secretive on him. Be clear and straightforward and focus on making it a great day for your son.

SunnyTikka · 09/09/2018 21:48

Your DP is being a wuss. He needs to tell his Ex that your DS is having a birthday party, it can't be changed because all the invites have gone out and if she digs her heels in over this then her DS will know that SHE is the reason he isn't allowed to go to the party.
'Custody battle' it may be, but any court would look down on a parent being bloody minded just to prove a point if it meant the child was losing out.
Jeez. Some people.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 09/09/2018 21:48

Frankly I'd just tell him to grow a pair, put the boys first and take his son back after the party, regardless. What's she going to do, turn up on the doorstep of the empty house? She doesn't know where the party is being held so just take him and return him 2 hours late. 2 hours is nothing and I'd risk pissing his mum off in order to make this a bit more fair.

DP needs to grow the fuck up too. How dare he tell you what you can and can't talk about in your own bloody home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2018 21:50

Your dp is being really silly. If he isn’t normally like this I’d cut him some slack. Custody battles must be hugely stressful. Perhaps deep down being the man he feels the mother will be favoured even if she hasn’t been there much.

Which leads to the question of whether it would really be so bad if your dp delivered him late. Could he spin it as being part of the family being good for his mental wellbeing if there are any problems?

19lottie82 · 09/09/2018 21:51

Your DP is trying to imply that his sons wants, trumps your sons birthday.
He’s being a dick.

Yes, it’s unfortunate that his DS can’t be there, but unfortunately when residence is shared between two parents, kids often have to miss out on things because they are not on mum or dads days. That’s life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2018 21:51

Posted too soon. Just so I’m clear. Of course he is being massively unreasonable.

Honeyroar · 09/09/2018 21:56

I feel a bit sorry for him and his son. Personally id want my family at my son's party, particularly a step son that is the same age and has lived with you all. It's not the little boy's fault that his mother is being mean and stopping him him going. I bet he will be upset he can't go.

Whipsmart · 09/09/2018 21:57

I think your DP is getting a bit of a hard time on this thread. He's only trying to let his son attend your son's party! It's a shame the tie couldn;t suit everyone. It might be better for the party not to be mentioned rather than the poor kid having to leave halfway through!

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