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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to change my son's party

97 replies

SaphiraBlue · 09/09/2018 21:09

My DP and I both have boys, the same age, from previous relationships. He's currently having custody issues with his X (We currently have majority custody, when I met him he was bringing his son up on his own, an agreement and schedule has been in place the last 6 yrs and now his X wants to rearrange it). My son has a birthday coming up, the party has been booked for over a month and is due to start at 4pm, finishing at 7. DSS is due to go to his mums at 5:30. In the past, my DP has taken DSS to all party's as the X isn't involved in DSS social/school life and if DP doesn't take him, he doesn't end up going. If a party ever falls during DSS's mum's time to have him DP and his X would arrange for DP to take him and drop him back off at his mum's.

Due to the latest custody battle's DSS's mum won't allow DSS to attend my DS's party during her time. As a result, DP has asked for me to change the time of the party, I explained that the reason it was at that time was that it was the only available slot, regardless he'd asked that I call and change the time. I called (knowing full well that we wouldn't be able to change the time) and there's no other time slot. DP has then asked that I change the day of the party now. My X and his son (my son's half-brother) don't live nearby (a 3.5 hr drive) and are travelling up for the party (his son doesn't live with him so he's had to arrange with the mother of his son to arrange to come up) invites and RSVPs have been sent and received and everyone is able to make the party. AIBU not to want to change the party as 1. It's on my son's birthday, 2. Everyone else has already replied to tsay that they are coming. 3. I have suggested that DSS attend the first half of the party (though I know that it would be difficult for him to leave, at least he wouldn't miss all of it)

My DP has now said that the party is no longer to be mentioned in the house or around DSS, especially on the day of the party (My son's birthday) as it would upset him to know he was missing out. He's also cross with me for arranging it at a time when he is due to go to his mums. (which was because it was the only time slot available and he has always arranged in the past for him to make all other parties)

I'm now worried that this whole thing is going to affect the enjoyment for my son on his own birthday - AIBU?

OP posts:
StepBackNow · 10/09/2018 08:04

Your DP needs to get a grip, he's being ridiculous. The problem is his ex, not you. Prick.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/09/2018 09:24

HI OP,
It looks like there isn't any way to fox it, unfortunately.

Just wanted to clarify that when I suggested discussing with the ex, I did not mean to make the children aware of this. Just that the adults could have a conversation.

To be honest, given it is next weekend, I am surprised the children haven't mentioned it themselves.

Original poster
SaphiraBlue · 10/09/2018 09:47

The boys are fully aware of the party, I've been painting (neon/ glow in the dark) tshirts with their names on over the last few weeks as party favours. They're both really excited and have been talking about it. I warned DP that he would need to negotiate the drop off time when it was first booked (about a month ago) and he said he would and there shouldn't be an issue. Unfortunately he left it to last weekend to mention it to her. She refused to drop DSS off last night as a result and said that it was to make up for the time she would miss with him next week and that we could have him over night after the party. DP went and picked him up instead, he explained that he couldn't allow her to do that due to the custody battle going on. I understand his reasoning but I don't think she was being completely unreasonable. I also understand that my partner can't afford to let certain things occur due to the custody battle. We're all in an unfair situation where a gorgeous 8 year old boy is the one to be made to suffer - as well as my own DS for not having his best friend / SB with him at his party.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/09/2018 09:51

fix, not fox!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/09/2018 09:54

Oh dear!
If he is staying over anyway, why couldn't he have stayed? To be honest, I think it might have been a fair solution, IF she hadn't dropped it on him in the moment. It also sounds like she IS open to negotiation.

I would ask DP to contact her again and put their son's best interests firmly at the centre of their discussion. Perhaps she has the extra hours the next time?

How is the time currently split?

Original poster
SaphiraBlue · 10/09/2018 09:58

It's currently 4:3 nights, with us having him 4 nights a week.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 10/09/2018 10:02

Is the contact time court ordered? If not, your DP can tell his ex that DSS will be dropped off after the party not at 5.30.

Frankly you should be livid at your DP for demanding that you mess everyone else around just because he doesn't want his ex to be a bit grumpy with him.

Missing half the party to be with his mum clealry isn't in the best interests of the child. Normal divorced people sort this out with a couple of texts.

To avoid having an earful from his ex, he would tell your son not to talk about his birthday party. Reallt?

To avoid his ex being shouty, he would make his son miss half the party.

To avoid his ex giving him a hard time, he would have you make your ex change all of his plans.

Yet you are the one getting the silent treatment. You need to have a thermonuclear explosion in his direction.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/09/2018 10:08

I think if you swapped extra time at yours for extra time at hers, it would balance out? Could you amend the contact just for one week so that he goes back a couple of hours earlier next weekend?

Feel very sorry for your boys in this. Hope between them your partner and his ex can make an agreement. If not, I guess you just have to be breezy about it, and whether DSS goes to part of the party or does something different with his dad, try not to let it affect you or your DS.

Allthewaves · 10/09/2018 10:08

Id sit down with dss and explain about the party. Say he can do trampoline part and good then go. And u will organise laser tag for them another weekend. It's a good compromise in a really hard situation.

My own younger children arnt going to their big brothers party as they have injuries meaning they can't do the activity that's planned. We have talked to them and a friend is going to take them to soft play instead so everyone's happy

BeautifulPossibilities · 10/09/2018 10:10

Can the ex come to the party? See her son having fun? This isnt healthy for the kids.

Original poster
SaphiraBlue · 10/09/2018 10:14

I have no issues with her being there. She's more than welcome to bring him if it meant he could be there and I would be polite and friendly to her as though she were any other parent there. She has 3 other children and another one on the way so it's more difficult for her to participate in things as she will need to organise activities or childcare for the other children in order to attend.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 10/09/2018 10:14

I dont know much about custody but it's a shame it wasn't all sorted earlier as it sounds like the mum offered a reasonable compromise it's was just too last minute with refusal to drop off

BeautifulPossibilities · 10/09/2018 10:17

OP hope it works out - you sounds lovely

StressedToTheMaxx · 10/09/2018 10:19

So your dp;
Left it to late to organise a plan with ex

Ex games a comprise of her keeping him extra and going to the party and he grew a tantrum
Now he is growing a tantrum with you because you won't change the party

Sound like he is too busy trying to show his dominance and making demand, than actually compromising for all the dd's best interest, not just his son

StressedToTheMaxx · 10/09/2018 10:20

*ex makes sorry not games

Uchafi · 10/09/2018 10:31

As the mother is being inflexible about having him during her time do you think she'd consider swapping a day that week? So she still has him for 3 days and he won't miss the party?

Uchafi · 10/09/2018 10:32

As for you OH, he's being a dickhead. I appreciate he's pissed off but he's directing his anger and frustration at the wrong people.

charlestonchaplin · 10/09/2018 10:33

It sounds like the mother offered a compromise and OP's partner is the difficult one.

Excited0803 · 10/09/2018 10:58

Take the boys for laser quest earlier in the week or earlier that day with one or two closer friends; practice for DS and DSS then can have it explained that it's so he doesn't miss out. He then joins trampolining and heads off during the food (maybe getting takeaway burger with dad). He might be slightly annoyed about missing the party laser quest, but he should be old enough to understand that he's had the extra game put on for him. I don't see why that can't work, your DH needs to calm down and think outside the box a bit.
In future, you need to organise family activities on your own time, it's not fair for you to expect his ex to change her plans regardless of what you think about her.

TeddybearBaby · 10/09/2018 11:52

She refused to drop DSS off last night as a result and said that it was to make up for the time she would miss with him next week and that we could have him over night after the party.

Doesn’t this mean she was going to allow him to go to the party? Or have I read it wrong?!

PoesyCherish · 10/09/2018 12:00

He is BU and needs to accept that sometimes his son won't be able to go to all parties. It's unfortunate and sad but comes with the territory of separated parents. Can you do a separate birthday lunch / tea with his DS involved?

JessicaJonesJacket · 10/09/2018 12:05

It definitely reads as though the ex was willing to swap time so he could go to the party but OP's DP didn't take that option as he thought it would impact their custody battle. . .
OP I don't see how you can fix this except to wind in the party preparations in front of DSS since you know he may have to miss it, it seems cruel to be painting tshirts etc when he is there. I think this is a situation where lessons need to be learned for next time. Somehow, as a family you prioritised fitting the party in with classmates rather than ensuring all your DCs (DS and DSS) could attend. That was poor.

Cawfee · 10/09/2018 12:06

You need to put your foot down with your DP. This is ridiculous. All this dramarama over a kids party! At that age all our school year didn’t even have parties anymore. It was “take a mate to legoland or the cinema” type things at age 9. He’s really creating all this and not talking to you over a kids party! Nobody else in the world cares about a kids party and he’s willing to destroy your relationship over the fact his kid can’t come?!? Very weird. Very strange. Very over dramatic. I suggest you seek counselling for setting reasonable boundaries in your relationship. Tell him to grow the F up and that your kid and his kid can do a McDonald’s trip for breakfast that morning or the next convenient time. His kid isn’t going to have his life destroyed because of this and if he is then you really all need to be getting urgent help. What a mountain out of a mole hill!!

Willow2017 · 10/09/2018 12:19

He is an arse.
His ex proposed a compromise where dss could go to party and stay over. Your dp threw a strop because He didnt suggest it and ex complied.
He has ruined dss's day nobody else. Tell him.to grow up and put his son before his ego.

I would be really thinking hard about staying in a relationship where one uses his child as emotional blackmail against his own mother and his new partner.

PoesyCherish · 10/09/2018 12:47

Just saw your latest update which i missed when I first posted. So your DP's ex offered a reasonable compromise but your DP refused? In which case he's being a shit.

Can he talk to her again and put his son's best interests at the centre of it?

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