Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Partner wants me to change my son's party

97 replies

SaphiraBlue · 09/09/2018 21:09

My DP and I both have boys, the same age, from previous relationships. He's currently having custody issues with his X (We currently have majority custody, when I met him he was bringing his son up on his own, an agreement and schedule has been in place the last 6 yrs and now his X wants to rearrange it). My son has a birthday coming up, the party has been booked for over a month and is due to start at 4pm, finishing at 7. DSS is due to go to his mums at 5:30. In the past, my DP has taken DSS to all party's as the X isn't involved in DSS social/school life and if DP doesn't take him, he doesn't end up going. If a party ever falls during DSS's mum's time to have him DP and his X would arrange for DP to take him and drop him back off at his mum's.

Due to the latest custody battle's DSS's mum won't allow DSS to attend my DS's party during her time. As a result, DP has asked for me to change the time of the party, I explained that the reason it was at that time was that it was the only available slot, regardless he'd asked that I call and change the time. I called (knowing full well that we wouldn't be able to change the time) and there's no other time slot. DP has then asked that I change the day of the party now. My X and his son (my son's half-brother) don't live nearby (a 3.5 hr drive) and are travelling up for the party (his son doesn't live with him so he's had to arrange with the mother of his son to arrange to come up) invites and RSVPs have been sent and received and everyone is able to make the party. AIBU not to want to change the party as 1. It's on my son's birthday, 2. Everyone else has already replied to tsay that they are coming. 3. I have suggested that DSS attend the first half of the party (though I know that it would be difficult for him to leave, at least he wouldn't miss all of it)

My DP has now said that the party is no longer to be mentioned in the house or around DSS, especially on the day of the party (My son's birthday) as it would upset him to know he was missing out. He's also cross with me for arranging it at a time when he is due to go to his mums. (which was because it was the only time slot available and he has always arranged in the past for him to make all other parties)

I'm now worried that this whole thing is going to affect the enjoyment for my son on his own birthday - AIBU?

OP posts:

Spudlet · 09/09/2018 22:05

woikd it be possibke to organise some extra treat, just for your little family (ie you, ds, dp and dss) at a later date as an extra celebration and consolation? Is there a film they'd both like to see or something? Might soften the blow a bit. Poor dss, you obviously can't reorganise the party a d you can't pretend it isn't happening either, but you have to feel for the kid caught up in all this.

inlectorecumbit · 09/09/2018 22:05

Whipsmart
So Op's DS gets up on his birthday and is not allowed to get excited or mention his party??
I think not

Uncreative · 09/09/2018 22:06

Your DP is unreasonable. His ex is totally unreasonable!

I can see why your DP has said and done things this way. But ultimately, I think it is just too much to alter the party plans at this stage so I would go ahead wit them. Can you schedule things so that there is a natural break from activity to food or cake or presents when DSS has to leave so he doesn’t miss out?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2018 22:08

Whipsmart
I disagree with not mentioning the party. The boy is 8. It would be more difficult were he a couple of years younger. At this age it’s possible to reason with him and organise something to make him feel accommodated and part of the family.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/09/2018 22:11

Assuming that the current "battle" is going through Family Court, I think it is bad advice to suggest DP just drops his son to ex late. This will be a breach of the existing order and will be frowned on in family court.

Conversely, if your DP has in writing that he requested the extra couple of hours of contact time, and she refused, it looks less in her favour (especially if DP offers to add the missed time on next time).

Expecting the party not to be mentioned in the house is petty and unrealistic. DP needs to have a grown up conversation and agree whether his son will be part of the party or do something separate with his dad. At 8, he should probably get a say, too.

MycatsaPirate · 09/09/2018 22:18

I think your DP should inform the ex when he collects his son that he will be returned 2 hours later than arranged due to a party.

Or as you suggest, the son attends half the party and then goes home.

It's not on for him to ask you to move the party but he probably feels huge guilt that he can't have his son there and doesn't want his son feeling pushed out by not going or having to go halfway through.

But as others have said, it's totally not fair to tell your son that his birthday and party cannot be mentioned. 8 is old enough to learn that sometimes life can be really difficult and you just have to go with it. No one wanted this to happen but it's the way it's worked out.

No doubt there will be times when your son will miss out on certain things. It's tough as a parent to see it but it's one of those things.

Inertia · 09/09/2018 22:20

Your partner is being unreasonable- he doesn't get to dictate that an 8 year old child cannot mention his own party on his birthday, just because partner cannot negotiate with his Ex!

VimFuego101 · 09/09/2018 22:21

I wouldn't move the party, but I'd ask DS to be sensitive about discussing it in front of DSS and promise them a fun day out together another time. Does your DP often make demands like this or is it the stress of the court case?

BewareOfDragons · 09/09/2018 22:27

YANBU.

Your partner is being quite unreasonable. You booked in good faith, knowing he'd always been able to attend parties even during his mum's contact time, and it's not possible to change the slot and all the RSVPs are in.

Your proposal is the best one: your OP's son comes for the trampolining, has some food and heads to his mum's.It won't be a big deal unless your partner makes it a big deal.

Tell him to get a fucking grip, grow up and set a better example for his child and show him how to make the best of the situation.

JessicaJonesJacket · 09/09/2018 22:36

I'm feeling sad for both the boys. I think all the adults have let them down. DSS' mum could be more accommodating; your DP could have said he'd take DSS back later and you could have booked a party that was firmly within your custody time.

Notcontent · 09/09/2018 22:36

I think your ex is being really unreasonable, and, as someone else pointed out, he might be now showing his true colours. And he is making a huge deal out of something that does not need to be a big deal.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 09/09/2018 22:36

Why does your DP not want his DS to come to half the party?
He is also bu to stop your DS from mentioning his own party.

RhiWrites · 09/09/2018 22:42

So, to be clear, on the day of your son’s birthday party your partner doesn’t want your son to even mention his own party in case his son is upset he’s not allowed to go?

That’s bonkers.

It’s selfish and cruel to the party boy. And it’s a stupid approach to the non party boy who should be allowed to feel a bit sad about it.

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2018 22:43

I wouldn't change the party at this late a date but I do think it was a bit shit of you to have booked it for a date/time your partner's son couldn't make in the first place. This kid's supposed to be part of your family.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/09/2018 22:44

My DD's birthday party is in 2 weeks. She knows how many days until it happens (she'll be 6). If i told her it was no longer happening she would be absolutely devastated. If dp told me to rearrange it because after x amount of apparently not giving a shit (going off the fact he raised his son) his ex wanted to call the shots i'd be absolutely raging.

Your dp is being out of order. His ex is being out of order. Your son should not have to suffer because of that. Dp & his ex need to man up between them & decide what is better for their son - yours missing a party he is excited about is your concern.

converseandjeans · 09/09/2018 22:45

It would make more sense for DP and DSS to do something on their own and then DSS won't feel like he's missing out. As others have said the boys could do something together the day before.

SassitudeandSparkle · 09/09/2018 22:46

OP, you do appear to have booked the party at a time your DSS couldn't go. Your son's half-sibling can make it, but it might be the case that he's spent more time living with your DSS. It is a tricky situation.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/09/2018 22:51

How long ago did exp change the status quo regarding parties?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/09/2018 22:53

Yanbu and at 8 i would expect the boy to understand the situation. If I were your DP I would try and reason with the ex about dropping him off late but other than that there is nothing to be done. He can't make your son not mention the party. I would have thought leaving after the food was the perfect solution. Could you take the boys for laser tag just the two of them at a future date or could they do something else for them both to look forward to doing together. Oherwise maybe have a family birthday celebration on a separate date. Your DP is probably emotional and exhausted by the whole battle with his ex and is overreacting. I am sure DSS will be disappointed but it won't be the end of the world surely?

sonjadog · 09/09/2018 22:59

No, this is not okay. Your DP is putting his son in front of your son and expecting you to do the same. You need to make it clear that on your son´s birthday, he comes first. Hopefully this is just a moment of thoughtlessness from your DP and not a warning sign that your son is always going to come in second to his.

BlackberryandNettle · 09/09/2018 23:07

Yanbu, it would obviously be a logistical nightmare to change the party day now at this late stage, as well as disappointing for your son. Do a birthday treat earlier in the day for the two boys together.

The cause of the problem seems to be the change in custody/strictness of hours with your dp's ex. He should ask her again (email or text) whether on this occasion dss could stay later for the party.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/09/2018 23:29

if your DP has in writing that he requested the extra couple of hours of contact time, and she refused, it looks less in her favour (especially if DP offers to add the missed time on next time)

Why do you assume the ex doesn’t have an equally good reason (or could come up with one) for wanting her son home? Why should she have to miss out on time with her child because her ex couldn’t work out how to schedule a party for his step child on his own time? Why should she have to sit worried for 2 hours that her child may not be returned? Why is it OK to chop and change a couple of hours here and there? Why assume that the ex doesn’t have plans on her time and would prefer the status quo is maintained?

I speak as someone who’s ex is entirely inflexible except when it suits him. I am afraid after a number of years of being messed around, I adopted a ‘brick wall’ stance to change to contact. So no, he doesn’t get to have extra time on my time. Absolutely not.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/09/2018 23:44

ohreallyohreallyoh I wasn't assuming any of those things.

I took the view that a SB's birthday party was the kind of special occasion that parents might be prepared to negotiate about.

My own child has missed a number of parties because ex refused to be flexible on time. I appreciate that sometimes it can't be helped, but sometimes it can, and not to be flexible in order to facilitate attending a SB party isn't very nice, is it? Obviously, if ex had plans in place also, that would just be too bad. But in my own experience "we have plans" is often a lie. It's sad.

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/09/2018 23:56

Do the party at your planned time. It is not your partner's fault or his son's fault that he will miss part three. If his son gets upset then ask him to speak to his mother about it.

Original poster

SaphiraBlue · 10/09/2018 07:59

Thank you all for your messages. My partner is barely speaking to me at the moment because of this whole situation and I'm finding t all rather stressful.

I am absolutely devastated that my DSS won't be able to make it to the party and I haven't the heart to mention it to my son yet as he too will be devastated. They've grown up together since they were 2 and have been like brothers since day one.

For those who are saying I shouldn't have booked the party at that time please understand that my son really wanted a laser party and that 4pm was the only slot available. When I booked it I hadn't realised that the party would go on for 3 hrs - not many parties do. September is a nightmare for parties as there are 7 other children from my son's circle of friends that have birthdays in September. Also, those who have birthdays in August also tend to have their parties in September - so this makes it more necessary to have the party on his birthday. I had no reason to suspect that DP X would stop DSS from going as any other party he has been invited to during her time she's allowed DP to take him. I have suggested that DP could ask if she would like to take him as it is in her time, but we both know what the answer will be to that. For us, this isn't about gaining more time with him, it's about him being able to attend a party that he will want to be at and enjoy himself.

For those who are suggesting that we tell DSS to discuss it with his mum, DSS already dislikes going to his mums. He cries when we have to hand him over and to let him know that she's doing this to him would only make the situation worse for him.

From reading your messages I'm beginning to consider seeing if I can take a few friends earlier to the place and book a public session for the boys to do laser tag. That way DSS can still have a go on the day.

Thanks again for all your messages, I really appreciate it x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread