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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants me to change my son's party

97 replies

SaphiraBlue · 09/09/2018 21:09

My DP and I both have boys, the same age, from previous relationships. He's currently having custody issues with his X (We currently have majority custody, when I met him he was bringing his son up on his own, an agreement and schedule has been in place the last 6 yrs and now his X wants to rearrange it). My son has a birthday coming up, the party has been booked for over a month and is due to start at 4pm, finishing at 7. DSS is due to go to his mums at 5:30. In the past, my DP has taken DSS to all party's as the X isn't involved in DSS social/school life and if DP doesn't take him, he doesn't end up going. If a party ever falls during DSS's mum's time to have him DP and his X would arrange for DP to take him and drop him back off at his mum's.

Due to the latest custody battle's DSS's mum won't allow DSS to attend my DS's party during her time. As a result, DP has asked for me to change the time of the party, I explained that the reason it was at that time was that it was the only available slot, regardless he'd asked that I call and change the time. I called (knowing full well that we wouldn't be able to change the time) and there's no other time slot. DP has then asked that I change the day of the party now. My X and his son (my son's half-brother) don't live nearby (a 3.5 hr drive) and are travelling up for the party (his son doesn't live with him so he's had to arrange with the mother of his son to arrange to come up) invites and RSVPs have been sent and received and everyone is able to make the party. AIBU not to want to change the party as 1. It's on my son's birthday, 2. Everyone else has already replied to tsay that they are coming. 3. I have suggested that DSS attend the first half of the party (though I know that it would be difficult for him to leave, at least he wouldn't miss all of it)

My DP has now said that the party is no longer to be mentioned in the house or around DSS, especially on the day of the party (My son's birthday) as it would upset him to know he was missing out. He's also cross with me for arranging it at a time when he is due to go to his mums. (which was because it was the only time slot available and he has always arranged in the past for him to make all other parties)

I'm now worried that this whole thing is going to affect the enjoyment for my son on his own birthday - AIBU?

OP posts:

Pissedoffdotcom · 10/09/2018 12:56

After your updates i stand by initial comment; your dp is a dick. Had he pulled his finger out earlier like you asked there wouldn't be a problem. I'd make it very clear that your son is not going to be made to miss out on his day - or taper down his excitement - because dp couldn't pull his finger out

ShalomJackie · 10/09/2018 12:59

Yes she has said you can have him overnight for the party.

MadeForThis · 10/09/2018 13:10

I would follow your idea. Let dss come to the party and leave during the food.

However I would arrange for Ds and dss to go to laser tag the following weekend. That way they get to do the activity together as well.

Nikephorus · 10/09/2018 13:20

She refused to drop DSS off last night as a result and said that it was to make up for the time she would miss with him next week and that we could have him over night after the party. DP went and picked him up instead
So she, not unreasonably, wanted to have him last night instead of the night after the party, which would have allowed DSS to be at the whole party and the night too but your DP said no and then has a go at YOU for not changing everything?! I think you should ditch DP and get together with Ex instead as she sounds more reasonable!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/09/2018 13:48

Agree with all the others. Your DP's ex offered a change so she had an extra night and you would get an extra night after the party. I'm sure if you had that in writing confirming the amendment so DSS could attend the party, I don't quite see what the problem is (other than DP effectively said no and is now cross that DSS can't come to the party).

FishCanFly · 10/09/2018 14:44

yep, your DP is an arse

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 14:52

I'd be evaluating my relationship.. with a man who responded to this situation the way he has... he basically told you Your Son was not allowed to celebrate His Birthday.. that is not on.. in anyone's world....

altiara · 10/09/2018 14:54

If ex only has DSS 3 nights, you can see why she doesn’t want to give her time up.

If DP refused, then I’d say half a party is fine. You can agree to do laser tag another time, he’s 8, he understands he has to go to his mums half way through, he’s not a baby. And I think organising food in the middle does made it easier for him to leave.

BewareOfDragons · 10/09/2018 17:36

Your updates do rather suggest that OP's partner is the source of the problems here: he's made it worse, dug in, and now this is the result. And yet, he's blaming OP for his failures and his son's disappointment which appears to be his fault.

Poor boy

sprinklesandsauce · 10/09/2018 17:45

YANBU, your DP is. His ex offered for DSS to be able to attend the whole party, but had to remain in control, so wouldn't allow it.

Your DS should be able to have his party on his birthday, without there being a problem with your DP.

Honeyroar · 10/09/2018 18:02

So a solution showed itself and your partner messed it up! Idiot man! It would've been perfect to just swop nights (last night for the party night). Now the reason the step child can't go to the party rests 100% on his dad, and the mother will probably make sure the child knows!

Excited's post was a good suggestion - have a "special family only" laser session before the party, then do the trampolines and food with DSS and end with the laser session that DSS will miss. Make a fuss of waving him off with everyone.

Original poster

SaphiraBlue · 15/09/2018 22:50

Hi, I just thought I would update everyone as you were all so kind to reply. DP and his X arranged to swap nights and so DSS was able to attend the whole of DS's party. A good time was had by all. Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2018 23:18

Why on earth did your DP think that being flexible over contact would compromise custody/ residency/ contact?

Lizzie48 · 15/09/2018 23:18

I'm really glad it all worked out in the end, it's just a pity that so much angst was involved when it could have been so much more straightforward. I hope your DS has a very happy birthday, OP.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 15/09/2018 23:21

Sounds like a good outcome op - glad the kids had fun :)

MrsMozart · 16/09/2018 08:17

Good outcome. Glad all enjoyed.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 16/09/2018 23:04

Glad it worked out for the boys.

lalalalyra · 16/09/2018 23:17

She refused to drop DSS off last night as a result and said that it was to make up for the time she would miss with him next week and that we could have him over night after the party.

She might have gone about it wrong, but that doesn't sound like a ridiculous solution - she gets time to make up for lost time.

lalalalyra · 16/09/2018 23:18

Cross posted.

Glad it worked out for the kids!

Original poster

SaphiraBlue · 17/09/2018 15:17

Thank you everyone, it was a great party. For those who are asking about that Sunday, she's trying to establish the new routine that she is demanding. The weekend previous (before school started) she refused to drop him off when he was due to be with us and promised DSS treats and a day out and told DP that he would have to be the one to disappoint him and tell him he couldn't stay, DP didn't want to put DSS in a position where he was made to feel like he had to choose so let him stay. The following Sunday was the one where she refused to drop him off and suggested it as an exchange for the party, instead they swapped the Saturday for the Friday. Yesterday (Another Sunday) she refused to drop DSS off and so DP said that he would pick him up, she then replied that he could knock on the door as much as he wanted she won't open it to him. Again, DP not wanting to upset DSS let her have him but this is a new pattern she's trying to get established (in the wrong way) in an attempt for the courts to allow her Sunday night. Hope that makes it a bit clearer the sitution DP is in.

OP posts:

gottastopeatingchocolate · 17/09/2018 17:22

Oh, OP, that sounds tricky!

I am even more happy that the boys got to have the party together.

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 17:27

OP I just wanted to pop up and say stepmums often get a hard time on here, sometimes fairly, often not.

You sound like a bloody lovely stepmum.

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