Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re Helping DH with his hobby?

90 replies

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 14:45

This is long.

My DH and DD have horses. I used to help out a lot re mucking out, filling water buckets in fields, turning out, brining in etc.

About 12 months or so ago, I was thinking about getting a horse on loan, thought it would be lovely to share this interest together.

I feel DH coerced me into not getting a horse: you won't be able to afford it, you don't have time, when are you going to fit it all in? At the time I worke FT & didn't have much spare time. Financially it would have been a stretch, but a do-able stretch. He specifically told me that he would not be mucking my horse out if I got one.

Fast forward to now. Ever since he made me think me getting a horse of my own was a ridiculous idea, something in me died. Not towards the horses we have - I love them dearly and have helped immeasurably. But, he is now constantly getting digs in about how he has no help. He has a poor me attitude and his comments range from "No help with the horses, then....No? OK?" to full on moaning that he's got no time, and is exhausted and I "Never help with the horses!"

I feel that he's brought this on himself, and that maybe he tried to dissuade me from getting a horse, because then he wouldn't have had me to help out with his when he's at work.

What has acutally happened is that I don't help out anyway now, and am less involved than ever, but still don't have my own horse Grin.

He pays someone to look after them on the days he's working long hours, because I won't do it. About an hour ago he made another dig - I have offered to look after them while he goes away for the weekend - and his response was a half hearted "Thanks so much," one day a week wouldn't go a miss." Angry [shocked]

I'm currently out of work, but hopefully not for long. He thinks that because I'm not at work, I should do his mucking out when he's at work. When I worked FT, there were days when he expected me to muck out.

About 18 months ago, for example, on his day off, he left me to muck out DD's pony after an 8 hour shift (very physical job.) She would have done it herself, but she didn't have time as she was rushing off to another activity, which I was driving her to as soon as I'd mucked out, and she needed to get changed. This happened several times until I confronted him.

I think it's beyond generous of me to muck out at the weekend.

I'm not BU to not muck out for the rest of the time, and to get pissed off with him feeling sorry for himself because he either had to muck out his horses all by himself, or pay someone to do it for him, am I?

Be honest - tell me if I am!

Should I help him muck out on a regular basis, or when he's working long days?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 14:47

Ah...I'm mucking out this weekend as a one off favour, not every weekend!

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/09/2018 14:50

If they don't belong to the family ie you don't benefit from them (riding them or whatever else you do with horses) then it is double standards to say no you can't have one as won't be able to look after it...when hé can clearly have one but doesn't have time to look after it. He has been very explicit in this saying he won't help you at all if you get one so I'm not sure why he expects you to help him out when he's said he wot help you. What does he say his reasons are? I think if he'd been a bit nicer about it, it would have been a nice thing for you to do while you're out of work, as a favour, but presumably you do other extra stuff in the house as well...?

MarchSurprise · 09/09/2018 14:51

Have you explained that him putting you off having your own horse has resulted in you losing your interest as you feel like he sees you as a groom rather than wanting you to fully enjoy the horses? I think I'd be pointing out this result was a consequence of his actions.

edwinbear · 09/09/2018 14:51

Do you ride his horse OP? If so, then you should probably help with the work involved with looking after them, but if you are doing the unpleasant bits and not getting to ride than YANBU.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 09/09/2018 14:51

Urgh!! He’s being a prick. Have you pointed out that a) the horses are his hobby, not a shared child. And that b) he told you he would offer you no help for your horse if you got one?

fruitshot · 09/09/2018 14:57

I'm struggling to understand why "you" can't afford a horse, are they all purchased with sole money? Do you not have joint income? Do you ride the horses that are in the family?

It's all very strange to me tbh. I don't understand your family dynamic.

Black and white though, his horse, his problem. If he needs help, he can ask, he shouldn't expect though.

GinIsIn · 09/09/2018 15:00

Can’t you just ride one of the ones you already own as a family?

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:02

No, I don't ride the horses.

He's always had his income and he's chosen to spend his money this way.

Joint income goes on bills and there is hardly any left over for anything. Currently I am stony broke, but even when I was working I never had much spare money.

OP posts:
milkmoustache · 09/09/2018 15:06

You are broke, but your DH has enough to spend on a horse. This doesn't sound like a partnership!

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:07

IfIWasaBird yes I've pointed this out.

I've also just told him that I've changed my mind about looking after his horses this weekend.

It's all such a piss take. I hate being taken for granted. It's the double standards - telling me I don't have the time/money to have my own, & he wouldn't help with mine, but then expecting me to look after his.
Especially when he's swanning off for the weekend, leaving me with not only all the ususal weekend dropping DCs off here and there to contend with, but expecting me to do all the work involved with looking after his horses, too.Angry

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2018 15:10

He wants a 'partnership' when it suits him and not when it doesn't.

fishfingersandketchup · 09/09/2018 15:11

Sorry OP but he sounds awful. I think this is about more than just the horses, it sounds as if there's an imbalance of power in your relationship Thanks

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 09/09/2018 15:12

Good for you OP. Stick to your guns and stand up for yourself. It sounds like he doesn’t have time for a horse. Maybe he needs to rethink that.

Sparkletastic · 09/09/2018 15:12

I would gently suggest there's more wrong in your marriage than just a disagreement about looking after horses

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:13

Exactly MrsTerryPratchett.

There'll be hell to pay as I've literally just told him to arrange someone to look after them at the weekend. I might be BU on that front, as I've told him I would do it, but why the hell should I? I only agreed to keep the peace, and to avoid the confrontation and poor him act!

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:14

For the perceptives amongst you, yes, you are probably right, but I am trying to address the underlying issues.

It's horrible reading things that you know to be true, but have been pretending aren't true, literally for decades Sad.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 09/09/2018 15:16

It’s not just about the horses is it? It’s about him taking you for granted and expecting you to run around for him and do nothing back.
Why has he got money to spend on himself and you are broke?

BOO32 · 09/09/2018 15:19

Lots of us have found ourselves in similar situations. Take your time to work out what to do about his attitude towards you.

I realised my relationship was so unequal nothing less than separating was needed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2018 15:20

How does your DD feel about her parents having a two-tier life? I wonder what that will do to her future relationships Sad

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 15:20

Your money set-up is bizarre. You're married FGS, it all belongs to both of you!

What happens when you go on holiday? He goes first class to the Maldives, you get a week at Butlins?

It sounds as though he sees you as his servant!

Foodylicious · 09/09/2018 15:22

I get all of his previous behaviour, comments etc have been shitty, but how long have you been out of work now?
What are you doing to fill your time?
Is he not currently.supporting you all financially? If not, what not?

Think this 'partnership' needs an honest overhall from both sides

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:25

Fishface he's helped me a lot in other ways, but no more than a good supportive husband should/would, maybe even less than some would in some instances.

I feel like I'm playing a power game myself, if I'm honest, which is unpleasant, but also feel like he's left me no option. I'm not a mug (much) and will always usually stand my ground if pushed. I've helped him so much in the past, and was happy to, but the change in my attitude in this situation is a direct result of his stance towards me if the shoe were on the other foot.

There is definitely an imbalance of power as suggested, and of finances.

He has his good points, I'm not denying them.

OP posts:
LeroyJenkins · 09/09/2018 15:26

fucking hell

I feel DH coerced me into not getting a horse: you won't be able to afford it, you don't have time, when are you going to fit it all in? At the time I worke FT & didn't have much spare time. Financially it would have been a stretch, but a do-able stretch. He specifically told me that he would not be mucking my horse out if I got one.

theres your answer - you're not mucking his horse out at all - what a wanker

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 15:27

Are you shitting me? You have no money, he goes and gets himself a horse and expects you to tend to it? There is so much wrong with this entire scenario.

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:27

Been out of work for almost 3 months. He supported me in giving up work, but it hasn't turned out as either of us expected. I really regret that decision, but the imbalances have been going on decades, not a few months.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread