Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re Helping DH with his hobby?

90 replies

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 14:45

This is long.

My DH and DD have horses. I used to help out a lot re mucking out, filling water buckets in fields, turning out, brining in etc.

About 12 months or so ago, I was thinking about getting a horse on loan, thought it would be lovely to share this interest together.

I feel DH coerced me into not getting a horse: you won't be able to afford it, you don't have time, when are you going to fit it all in? At the time I worke FT & didn't have much spare time. Financially it would have been a stretch, but a do-able stretch. He specifically told me that he would not be mucking my horse out if I got one.

Fast forward to now. Ever since he made me think me getting a horse of my own was a ridiculous idea, something in me died. Not towards the horses we have - I love them dearly and have helped immeasurably. But, he is now constantly getting digs in about how he has no help. He has a poor me attitude and his comments range from "No help with the horses, then....No? OK?" to full on moaning that he's got no time, and is exhausted and I "Never help with the horses!"

I feel that he's brought this on himself, and that maybe he tried to dissuade me from getting a horse, because then he wouldn't have had me to help out with his when he's at work.

What has acutally happened is that I don't help out anyway now, and am less involved than ever, but still don't have my own horse Grin.

He pays someone to look after them on the days he's working long hours, because I won't do it. About an hour ago he made another dig - I have offered to look after them while he goes away for the weekend - and his response was a half hearted "Thanks so much," one day a week wouldn't go a miss." Angry [shocked]

I'm currently out of work, but hopefully not for long. He thinks that because I'm not at work, I should do his mucking out when he's at work. When I worked FT, there were days when he expected me to muck out.

About 18 months ago, for example, on his day off, he left me to muck out DD's pony after an 8 hour shift (very physical job.) She would have done it herself, but she didn't have time as she was rushing off to another activity, which I was driving her to as soon as I'd mucked out, and she needed to get changed. This happened several times until I confronted him.

I think it's beyond generous of me to muck out at the weekend.

I'm not BU to not muck out for the rest of the time, and to get pissed off with him feeling sorry for himself because he either had to muck out his horses all by himself, or pay someone to do it for him, am I?

Be honest - tell me if I am!

Should I help him muck out on a regular basis, or when he's working long days?

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 09/09/2018 16:46

Good for you for standing up to him, he told you directly he wouldn't muck out your horse, you're only living up to his standards

Needahairbrush · 09/09/2018 16:53

Ask him how’s it’s ok for him to categorically say ‘if you get a horsehe will not be he helping muck out’ yet expects you to do the same for him. How can he possibly justify it? I’d just keep repeating it back to him to be honest, in the hope the penny drops and he shuts up.
Why couldn’t you share or ride his horse?

RhiWrites · 09/09/2018 16:55

Oh believe me I have told him countless times & he knows exactly how I feel.

So what was his response?

He said he wouldn’t ever help you if you got a horse.
He demanded help with his horse.
You told him you didn’t feel like helping after he told you he’d never help.

Then what? What does he say in response to that?

User467 · 09/09/2018 17:11

Ok so I think I think agree with everyone but for the sake of being devils advocate I do wonder if he maybe just sees it differently.

You say you don't ride the horses you already have.........why not? Given that it seems he is already struggling to look after the ones you have, and as you say finances aren't great, was he maybe wondering why you needed to add another horse to the mix? Maybe he said he wouldn't be mucking it out because he was worried that it was a bit of a notion you were having and he didn't want to end up lumbered with another horse. You're currently out of work and not helping with the horses (which I get from your point of view is because you're annoyed at his attitude) but perhaps he sees this as confirmation that he was right that you shouldn't get one of your own. You're family has horses, your daughter has a horse, if you were that enthusiastic about having one then I would have thought you'd be working/helping with them because you enjoyed it, not seeing it as a favour.

I don't think this is about the horses. The "my horse" vs "his horse" and the way you talk about your finances doesn't sound like a very healthy way for it to be in a marriage

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 17:20

I am really a novice & believe me when I say I don't even want to have one/loan one now anyway.

The horses aren't being neglected - they're very well looked after. It's just that on some days DH leaves the house at 5:30am/6:00am and doesn't get back till 7:30pm.

Once upon a time I'd have mucked out, but not these days.

On those days, he employs someone to do it for him, or he does it himself, but understandably would be absolutely shattered if he has to do it himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 17:21

The reasons why I can't ride the horses we have would be very outing. I wish I'd nc now, I considered it but didn't think I'd need to. I can't really say.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 17:23

Well, I'd just have assumed that DH and DD's horses were too large and small respectively and probably too feisty for a beginner. So we could stick with that explanation if you like?

Santaclarita · 09/09/2018 17:28

Tell him to go fuck himself and stop being a bloody child and look after his own horse.

I have my own horse, I look after it myself or I pay the yard to do it if I can't. I dont expect my partner to do it for me while I do all of the fun stuff.

If you can afford it get your own horse and stuff the 'd'h. He's a twat.

Santaclarita · 09/09/2018 17:31

Oh and get a nice native that doesn't need a stable. Then the twat doesn't have to help muck out.

Doingreat · 09/09/2018 17:58

He's not very nice to you op is he?

Leave aside the horses for a bit, why are you broke at the moment yet your dh and dc have enough money for hobbies? Please stop being a martyr and ask him for an equal share of the fun money for yourself and go spend it on something for YOU.
I'm sure if he was out of work and broke you'd hear no end of passive aggressive comments from him about your hobby

Brigante9 · 09/09/2018 18:08

Did you tell him you were no longer helping because he said he wouldn’t muck out if you got one?

Tell him to get a sharer. I’m extremely fortunate in that my sharer does all mornings and weekends. Can’t your dd do both when she’s up? I used to muck out mine plus a friend’s then turn them both out, it’s handy to have 2 so they have each other for company.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 18:19

I don't really understand how you've got into doing the drudge work without joining in with the fun part anyway. Especially when the horse is his luxury, paid for with 'his' money - which he should be but isn't sharing with you - while you've gone without luxuries at all!

I can sort of see how you'd have helped DD but not him. Even then, I'd have viewed horses as 'their thing' and left well alone - or just gone along to watch when I wanted.

Can you conceive of a situation in which you consitently devoted time and money to a luxury hobby, over years, while he couldn't afford to AND expected him to do the drudge work for you?!

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 18:24

I know what you mean.

I didn't used to mind tbh. I enjoyed being on the yard, mostly. I was never doing the lion's share, just being on hand to help out, it was a pleasant place to be in the evenings.

Occasionally I would do the lions share, a couple of times, but I put a stop to this as it wasn't fair.

I only came to begrudge it when he said that he wouldn't be helping me, or mucking mine out if I got one. I wouldn't have expected him to help me anywhere near as much as I had been helping him, anyway.

It was at that point that, as I said, things changed from my point of view. I feel huge resentment towards him now everytime he moans about it, or mentions it. The ridiculous thing is he resents me for not helping him! I think that's out and out CFery!

OP posts:
Uchafi · 09/09/2018 18:25

I'd be divorcing my husband if he treated me the way yours does over money. You're not a family, you're room mates. What a prick.

CatchIt · 09/09/2018 18:36

I assume that the reason you don't ride is that his horses have a specific job that you can't do? It's such a shame you don't ride them as well. This for me is the sticking point.

I have a horse and it causes resentment from dh too which really pisses me off. There's a reason they say horses cause divorces!

I think the fact he was spiteful in telling you that he wouldn't help with your horse says a lot. Surely it would have been as beneficial for him for you to get one as then you could share all the work and have the fun too, he's really cut off his nose to spite his face here.

I don't really know what to suggest as tbh, it's beginning to sound like you don't like him and quite frankly, I'm not surprised. 😟

AdaColeman · 09/09/2018 18:43

Do you not also feel huge resentment at the imbalance of finances too Arsenal?

Controlling the finances so that he holds all the power in the relationship isn't right. You need a much fairer way of allocating money, and you going back to work simply isn't the complete answer.

LagunaBubbles · 09/09/2018 18:53

I will never understand someone who marries someone, and therefore enter into a partnership, profess to love someone, and watches them struggle for money when they don't.

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 18:59

Yes I do feel resentment about that, but actually, we don't have any spare money, either of us, at the moment.

But yes, when I was working FT and was still strapped for cash, resentment definitely built up to epic proportions.

DH has always claimed that practically all of his money went into the joint account, but clearly that's not the case, otherwise he wouldn't have had enough left over to buy horses, would he?

When I've confronted him about this, he's pointed out that he's used his savings, but I was never in a position to build up any savings over the years, as I was a SAHM for so many years, and during that time all my money went on stuff for the family, with none left over for much else.

Resentment - yes, so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 19:02

I know what you're all thinking, and what you're going to say, but say it anyway, because I'm going to show him this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 19:03

There's no doubt that I've left us in a very difficult position financially by not working for almost 3 months, but it was a decision he supported me in, and neither of us thought it would work out the way it has, which has been disastrous, to be honest.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 09/09/2018 19:03

There is definitely an imbalance of power as suggested, and of finances.

Actually, it reads to me like he's financially and emotionally abusive towards you.

Perhaps you need to look into that.....

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 19:04

He's a financially abusive cock who has no respect for you. Why you put up with it, I've no idea. But I'd tell him to go jump in the muck and get knotted. Arsehole.

AdaColeman · 09/09/2018 19:06

Don't show him the thread Arsenal , that never ends well.

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 19:07

I have thought that before, many times, if I'm honest, HeebieJeebies
I wish I could say "You're well off the mark, but you're not!"

He will say that he's supported me for these past 3 months. I had an interview and he gave me some money to get something to wear. But apart from that, I have nothing except CB. #

I have no money for diesel and my car is on empty. I need diesel to take the DCs to school.

It makes for very uncomfortable reading this thread. There's a lot going on that I've mentioned that I have pretended hasn't been an issue, or I've buried it and denied it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 19:25

AdaColeman I've shown him a thread before, years ago and it actually helped.

In his defence, he does have respect for me in some ares, and our marriage is not all bad, honestly it's not.

But I can see the flaws and agree with much of what has been said. I'm not deluded.

Recently things have really taken their toll on me, and I feel seriously unhappy.

He now thinks that everything's my fault because I gave up my job, and it's all gone wrong!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread