Re Helping DH with his hobby?

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

This is long.

My DH and DD have horses. I used to help out a lot re mucking out, filling water buckets in fields, turning out, brining in etc.

About 12 months or so ago, I was thinking about getting a horse on loan, thought it would be lovely to share this interest together.

I feel DH coerced me into not getting a horse: you won't be able to afford it, you don't have time, when are you going to fit it all in? At the time I worke FT & didn't have much spare time. Financially it would have been a stretch, but a do-able stretch. He specifically told me that he would not be mucking my horse out if I got one.

Fast forward to now. Ever since he made me think me getting a horse of my own was a ridiculous idea, something in me died. Not towards the horses we have - I love them dearly and have helped immeasurably. But, he is now constantly getting digs in about how he has no help. He has a poor me attitude and his comments range from "No help with the horses, then....No? OK?" to full on moaning that he's got no time, and is exhausted and I "Never help with the horses!"

I feel that he's brought this on himself, and that maybe he tried to dissuade me from getting a horse, because then he wouldn't have had me to help out with his when he's at work.

What has acutally happened is that I don't help out anyway now, and am less involved than ever, but still don't have my own horse .

He pays someone to look after them on the days he's working long hours, because I won't do it. About an hour ago he made another dig - I have offered to look after them while he goes away for the weekend - and his response was a half hearted "Thanks so much," one day a week wouldn't go a miss." [shocked]

I'm currently out of work, but hopefully not for long. He thinks that because I'm not at work, I should do his mucking out when he's at work. When I worked FT, there were days when he expected me to muck out.

About 18 months ago, for example, on his day off, he left me to muck out DD's pony after an 8 hour shift (very physical job.) She would have done it herself, but she didn't have time as she was rushing off to another activity, which I was driving her to as soon as I'd mucked out, and she needed to get changed. This happened several times until I confronted him.

I think it's beyond generous of me to muck out at the weekend.

I'm not BU to not muck out for the rest of the time, and to get pissed off with him feeling sorry for himself because he either had to muck out his horses all by himself, or pay someone to do it for him, am I?

Be honest - tell me if I am!

Should I help him muck out on a regular basis, or when he's working long days?

Your marriage is financially controlling. That's in no way good.

I don't understand what you mean about 'your money' all going on the dcs, when you were a SAHM. What money was yours? Where did it come from? Didn't you have a family budget? Spending money of your own, accounted for there? Was he paying into a pension for you while you worked for the family, at home?

And now. You're married. You agreed you'd stop working. Yet you don't have access to the family's money, to buy yourself clothes?

Just to clarify, it sounds as though he earns more than you. You pay equally into a joint 'bills' account - instead of proportionally to your incomes. Is that right? Then whatever's left is 'your own' and 'his own'?

That just isn't how marriages and families work. As the divorce courts would tell you both.

He's been a massive idiot, in that he's set you up in a scenario in which you would be far better off if you divorced.

But then he'd lose his servant!

When I was a SAHM, he used to pay money into my account, and he would pay all bills.

I would buy food, clothes for the DCs, that kind of thing. I wasn't the best at budgeting tbh, Someone more financially savvy would have made the money stretch much futher than I ever did.

That does sound terribly like you're blaming yourself for the fact he didn't give you enough money for you and the dcs to manage on.

How were his hobbies, treats and savings at that time, compared to yours?

You seem to do a lot of smoothing things over and covering for him. Even when what you are covering up is damage and unfairness he is inflincting upon you. You sound so accustomed to doing this, that you've come to believe your own lines.

Regarding him building up savings when you were a SAHM. Why was this NOT joint savings for you to equally have access to? He bought a horse from the savings that was rightfully half yours. Where's your share of the savings?

Why are you struggling while he's still got the horse? Surely since you're not working you BOTH need to cut back on unnecessary spending?

He's a controlling bully. I would lose all respect for him as well as any attraction to him.

In this scenario I would tell him he owes me half of the original savings built up in your marriage before he bought his horse. Nothing less would be good enough or make me want stay with him.

I still can’t understand what he’s saying or thinking when he’s blaming you for not helping him when he refused to help you.

What’s his reasoning behind this? He must say something! Does he just say “that’s different?”

I think unless there's a very compelling reason for you to be unable to work, getting a job should be a priority for you. For your own sake and your family's sake. Trying to see from his point of view - I can see how resentment can grow from being the sole earner in a family.

I'd not be happy for my husband to remain out of work through choice and simply expect me to carry on funding our home, bills etc. It's a lot of pressure and unfair. Imagine if he decided to jack in work. What then?

Originally I also think he made a fair point that you getting a horse wouldn't be ideal. Evidently it is something you couldn't really afford (unless he's secretly a millionaire). The only thing I think seems off is him saying he wouldn't muck out if you got a horse. Unkind but I think perspective and more understanding needed - he could have just been saying it in the moment, to dissuade you from wasting money you don't have, or because he hates your guts. We just don't know.

I also think he is entitled to save money he is earning. Everyone should be doing this.

Most posters seem to disagree though so I'm wondering if I've missed a huge, important detail

Um Woolly... she's not being working for 3 months. They agreed together that she should give up work. We don't know why.

They are married. The nature of marriage, legally and in normal life, is that all possessions and earnings are shared.

Their set up, in contrast, has been that they both pay into a joint 'bills' account. The rest of their earnings have always been their own. Her earnings have been lower. She has, much of the time, been quite poor. She has struggled (struggles now) to buy herself clothes and has no savings. He has consistently spent a lot of money on his hobbies (horses) and had enough left over to save.

They are married but living as flatmates.

Now, what part of that is normal to you?

We as a family have quite a few horses and ponies and my dh has never been overly enthusiastic about them, however whenever I have needed help with them he has been only too happy to help as we are a partnership. Luckily one of our mates has had a filly foal that he has fallen in love with and so he now has his own pony to look after,and if he ever needs help then I am more than happy to help him.

I have no money for diesel and my car is on empty. I need diesel to take the DCs to school.

This bit's easy. Tell him you need money for diesel, or he'll have to do the school run.

One of our mares not mates

I left my job because I was being seriously bullied... this was 3 months before we got married.. My now DH (we were not living together at the time ) paid the mortgage on my house and gave me enough (more than enough in fact) for all bills and food for me and my DS.. because we were a partnership

I did get another job a few weeks after we were married (I had been looking all the time but in the meantime we had also and we had bought another house together). He has never resented paying for both mine and his house in those months before we were married.

Everything since (14yrs married now ) has been equally shared because we are a partnership ..

I can't believe he leaves you with no money when he's got enough for a horse.

Aside from the double standards, he's a selfish bastard op. Leave him and make him pay you maintenance, and for your dd's horse. And a groom for it.

Hoping for an update soon OP, I don’t think he’ll have changed his ways and be buying you a horse but hopefully you’ll know where you stand.
I was buying new holiday clothes today because DH got paid. I don’t get paid till the end of the month but I spent “his” money. Would never have occurred to him to ask who’s money it was.
You might have money worries if you lived alone, but you’d be making the decisions and deciding what was the priority.
The symbolism of you mucking out a bloody horse but you can’t ride is too much. If you were my friend, telling me this over tea and biscuits I’d say the same to your face.

I hope he gets bucked off.
In public.
Into a pile of poo.
The prat.