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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re Helping DH with his hobby?

90 replies

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 14:45

This is long.

My DH and DD have horses. I used to help out a lot re mucking out, filling water buckets in fields, turning out, brining in etc.

About 12 months or so ago, I was thinking about getting a horse on loan, thought it would be lovely to share this interest together.

I feel DH coerced me into not getting a horse: you won't be able to afford it, you don't have time, when are you going to fit it all in? At the time I worke FT & didn't have much spare time. Financially it would have been a stretch, but a do-able stretch. He specifically told me that he would not be mucking my horse out if I got one.

Fast forward to now. Ever since he made me think me getting a horse of my own was a ridiculous idea, something in me died. Not towards the horses we have - I love them dearly and have helped immeasurably. But, he is now constantly getting digs in about how he has no help. He has a poor me attitude and his comments range from "No help with the horses, then....No? OK?" to full on moaning that he's got no time, and is exhausted and I "Never help with the horses!"

I feel that he's brought this on himself, and that maybe he tried to dissuade me from getting a horse, because then he wouldn't have had me to help out with his when he's at work.

What has acutally happened is that I don't help out anyway now, and am less involved than ever, but still don't have my own horse Grin.

He pays someone to look after them on the days he's working long hours, because I won't do it. About an hour ago he made another dig - I have offered to look after them while he goes away for the weekend - and his response was a half hearted "Thanks so much," one day a week wouldn't go a miss." Angry [shocked]

I'm currently out of work, but hopefully not for long. He thinks that because I'm not at work, I should do his mucking out when he's at work. When I worked FT, there were days when he expected me to muck out.

About 18 months ago, for example, on his day off, he left me to muck out DD's pony after an 8 hour shift (very physical job.) She would have done it herself, but she didn't have time as she was rushing off to another activity, which I was driving her to as soon as I'd mucked out, and she needed to get changed. This happened several times until I confronted him.

I think it's beyond generous of me to muck out at the weekend.

I'm not BU to not muck out for the rest of the time, and to get pissed off with him feeling sorry for himself because he either had to muck out his horses all by himself, or pay someone to do it for him, am I?

Be honest - tell me if I am!

Should I help him muck out on a regular basis, or when he's working long days?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:28

The horses came before I gave up work.

I'm slightly concerned that this might be outing Shock

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 15:28

Love, there really isn’t much to be gained from selecting certain things to ask ‘AIBU’, when you know he’s a selfish, mean, fucking bellend, He’s made that’s clear in so many ways. The question is, what are you going to do about it? I don’t know how you can bear to be around the cockwomble and why you don’t speak out more? ‘You told me if I got a horse that you would never muck mine out - why do you expect me to muck yours out?’

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 09/09/2018 15:28

Wonder what your dd makes of the unfairness?

Oldraver · 09/09/2018 15:28

It's all such a piss take. I hate being taken for granted. It's the double standards - telling me I don't have the time/money to have my own, & he wouldn't help with mine, but then expecting me to look after his.

Then tell him. Be blunt, he's being an arse.

Flashingbeacon · 09/09/2018 15:32

If he’s paying someone to deal with his horse on the days he can’t, suggest he pays you. That’ll clear up whether it’s purely financial worries or a power trip.
If it’s about money and then he’s no worse off but you are better off. If he thinks the idea is ridiculous and starts spouting off about paying you to do what you should be doing you know where your stand. Literally in the shit.

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:33

Oh believe me I have told him countless times & he knows exactly how I feel.

I just wanted confirmation really that IANBU, which you've given me in wheelbarrowfuls Grin.

Sometimes it helps to have a rant & other people confirm that you're not being selfish/unreasonable, and that he is.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/09/2018 15:35

How does money work at the moment

Yes I think the horse bit is merely the tip of the iceberg

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:35

I had thought about that Flashingbeacon wasn't sure whether to go through with it, or not though.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 15:39

Go back to work FT. Stop doing FA for him. 'Go muck out my horse because you're not working!' 'No.'

Thehop · 09/09/2018 15:39

Absolutely go with flashing beacon suggestion

AdaColeman · 09/09/2018 15:40

I can understand why you don't want to look after his horses any longer, but why don't you ride them? Riding would be a bit of compensation for all the hard work you've done in caring for them, even a stable girl usually gets that.

The problems with the horses are just a symptom though, of what is really wrong; that you feel you are not an equal and valued partner.
Time for some serious thought and positive action from you both in order to get things in a better balance.

Gemini69 · 09/09/2018 15:41

Jesus OP... he sounds like a spoiled entitled prat... do as I say not as I do .... I hope you stay strong and do not pander to his manipulative demands that you cater to his Horses every need whilst he simply rides it... that role is of a stable hand. is he paying you stable hand rates ?

Stick to your guns Lady Flowers

Flashingbeacon · 09/09/2018 15:42

I don’t know how much he’s paying someone, but evening if it’s an hour a day at minimum wage it’s the principle of the thing.
It’s so telling he told you you couldn’t get a horse. I’ve no idea (again) how it works but surely there are compromises that could be met.
I’ve been there myself and it’s reallj bloody hard to imagine how other people split money. We have family money now, but I still catch myself working out if I’ve put too much in the trolly for myself.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 09/09/2018 15:42

Oh my god he’s a horrible, horrible man.

Think very carefully about what relationship you are modelling for your daughter.

Original poster
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 09/09/2018 15:44

Thank you for posting - it was such a long OP, that I didn't think anyone would bother to read it, never mind reply.

I'm just so pissed off about it all. I hate the friction, but that's no reason to go along with what he deems to be reasonable and fair, when it isn't at all.

He must rue the day he uttered the fateful words, "I won't be mucking your horse out if you get one." I've emotionally withdrawn from it all as a direct result of our discussion that day. If I was him I'd be annoyed at myslef, not at me!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 09/09/2018 15:46

Your DH doesn't appear to think much of you.

I'd find a new job and start making plans to leave, tbh.

You're not the maid! You're not the stable boy slave!

The fact that he made it clear he wouldn't help you with your own horse all while moaning that you're not helping with his for free is mind boggling. The contempt he is displaying for you!

Veganfortheanimals · 09/09/2018 15:48

Ok op ...it's time to shake some balls and see which drop...your a family ,therefore ,family money ,family horse.you don't need a horse you already have one to share with your dh...tell him you are sharing his horse ,and tell him all monies are joint ,and go in the family pot ,and you each have shared spending money with whatever is left over....put your foot down..tell him ,share money and share horse ,or let a solicitor share it out in the divorce...nasty man ...bad example for daughter

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2018 15:49

Absofuckinglutely not. How do you sell a horse? Every single time he moans I’d say of course I can’t help you were the one who pointed out I didn’t have time but I could try and help sell the horses if you just don’t have time anymore ? Every. Single. Time.

And work on the other issues you have with your dickhead who has some good points. Good luck with finding work as well.

Veganfortheanimals · 09/09/2018 15:51

I personally couldn't sleep in the same bed ,never mind have sex with a man this nasty ..I really feel for you op ...please find the strength to sort it out or leave x

RomanyRoots · 09/09/2018 15:59

You lost me on the finance.
How can you be married and one of you afford something that the other can't afford.
Where's the WE in all this, and the shared money.
You tend to his horse as well.
well you're a mug and more fool you.
Why be with such a man, can't you do better?

Gersemi · 09/09/2018 16:01

FFS, if neither he nor your DD have time to look after the horses, it would make more sense to get rid of them and just join a riding stables where you can borrow them when you want a ride.

Cagliostro · 09/09/2018 16:02

Wow this is really nothing to do with the horses is it. Does he have any respect for you at all? So sorry OP it must be awful reading all these replies but please use it as your line in the sand. You are so much better than this 💐

Charolais · 09/09/2018 16:23

Your horses sound like a lot of work. I have owned horses since 1970 and have never kept them inside so I have never mucked out. I know some people can make owning horses a lot of work and expense but I always avoid that part.

britnay · 09/09/2018 16:29

The going rate for grooms is approximately £10/hour, usually with a minimum charge. Just make out an invoice for any horse work you do.

StaffiesAndPonies · 09/09/2018 16:38

Bloody hell, OP, he sounds awful. I’ve had horses for 25+ years and I can honestly say I have never once complained about the work or expected anyone to help me. My DH does now help a bit and I appreciate what he does but they are my horses, my responsibility and I wouldn’t dream of saying I ‘didn’t have time’ for them. I’ve always made sure I had time by having unremarkable jobs rather than a proper career - I haven’t achieved much in life because horses were more important, and that was my choice.

If he didn’t have the horses, though, it would be something else. He just sees you as a skivvy, there for his convenience. Go back to work for the sake of your independence and tell him he’ll either have to bother his arse to pick up a shovel, or pay someone a proper wage to do it for him.

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