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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 15 year old getting drunk?

90 replies

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 17:32

Ok so my son has just gone into Year 11 and went to a party last night, he stayed at the friend's house whose party it was and I picked him up this morning. He was behaving really bizarrely and basically it has come to light that he got really drunk and tbh I think he was still a bit drunk this morning!

I now feel really irresponsible for letting him stay round at this party all night as I didn't realise it was going to be that sort of thing at all!

He said I need to chill out and it's not the first time he's been drunk (news to me!) and he is in Year 11 now and they will have these sort of "motives" all the time (anyone else heard that word to describe a party?!).

I feel really flummoxed by this as wasn't expecting this sort of behaviour yet... AIBU to be annoyed and not want him doing it?

OP posts:

Jimdandy · 08/09/2018 17:52

Come on.... it’s a right of passage!!!

At least it was at someone’s house and he wasn’t on the streets.

ShatnersWig · 08/09/2018 17:57

Come on.... it’s a right of passage!!!

I think you mean a rite of passage. And I don't think it's great that a 15-year old is pissed quite honestly.

But then I was dull and square and didn't get pissed as a teenager either.

pintsizedblondie · 08/09/2018 17:58

When did you first start drinking?

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:00

Not until at least 16!

I just didn't really think about this happening until end of year 11/sixth form!

But maybe it is really common these days... I wouldn't/don't mind him having a couple of beers but him getting totally pissed at these parties does bother me!

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 08/09/2018 18:00

If he stays out all night yes he will get drunk. At 15 he should have a curfew

CantankerousCamel · 08/09/2018 18:00

Ha! Oh the days of getting pissed at 15

We were up to far worse and turned out okay.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 18:00

It is not a right of psssage whatsoever. He has abused your trust. No more sleepovers, no more parties for a few weeks at least and I would set out some clear guidelines as to your expectations going forward.

It is very disappointing the other parent thought this was ever acceptable! I would be calling

deepsea · 08/09/2018 18:02

the parents of his friend.

And no, I don’t see this as just what you do at 15!

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:02

To confirm I did not know it was a party where he was getting drunk - he just asked if he could stay round his friend's house as his friend was having a birthday get together.

Hence I didn't really think about it as being "out all night". If I had known it was going to be a big garden party with loads of booze I would definitely not have agreed to let him stay the night.

OP posts:

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:03

And he does have a usual curfew!

OP posts:

deepsea · 08/09/2018 18:05

I was pretty liberal 15 year old but would never dare get absolutely pissed!

MediocrePenguin · 08/09/2018 18:09

God well I used to go out to clubs at 15 - pretty much everyone did at my school, you just had to make sure you memorised your fake birthday and star sign 😂 I don't think you'd get away with it these days!

However I do say to my parents now - why on earth did you let me do that at 15?! They said I would have done it regardless (true).

When my kids are 15 and maybe getting pissed I'm not sure I'll find it very easy to cope with though...

zozozoo · 08/09/2018 18:09

Standard behaviour. And agreed @jimdandy at least he was with friends and indoors. Doesn't mean you have to like it though so maybe have a chat about things to make sure he knows what he's doing to himself, more sensible ways of going about it, and how to help himself and friends if they drink too much. E.g I am forever grateful to the people who watched I didn't choke on my vomit and called my parents to pick me up one time

Graphista · 08/09/2018 18:09

Yanbu to be angry/upset/concerned.

However, I do think you are naive. Did you check with the parents who'd be there? If they were being supervised etc?

Do you talk to him about the dangers of getting so drunk? Not just medically but it leaving him vulnerable to assault including sexual assault? (Yes even at a friends house), of it affecting his behaviour such that it can have serious consequences for his future?

It's a minefield. My dd is 17 and has had her moments, which we've then discussed further the dangers of alcohol. She's almost 18 now and fairly good at knowing her limits.

She has friends who's parents have/had blanket bans on their DC drinking tbh these kids were FAR less prepared, regularly got absolutely hammered (just not to their parents knowledge) and ended up in some seriously dodgy situations.

It's tricky to find that middle ground of not creating a "forbidden fruit" situation while also not having them think they can do what they like and you won't bat an eye!

I think (hope) I've managed that - time will tell.

19lottie82 · 08/09/2018 18:11

I can understand why you aren’t happy, but pretty much everyone was drinking at 15 (or younger), weren’t they?

Graphista · 08/09/2018 18:13

"If I had known it was going to be a big garden party with loads of booze I would definitely not have agreed to let him stay the night." But how did you NOT know? Do you not know his friends? Their parents? Keep an eye on his SM?

Hindsight and all that TO A DEGREE but honestly you need to be more "on the ball"

AamdC · 08/09/2018 18:14

Now im the parent of a nearly 12 yr i quite agree op having said that back in the 80,s i was doing far worse at 15/16 it makes me shudder to think.

ShatnersWig · 08/09/2018 18:14

@19lottie Me and my friends weren't pissed at 15. Might have sneaked the odd pint or two at 17 if we looked old enough. I'm 44 now and we just didn't. Seems we were in the minority though

Jimdandy · 08/09/2018 18:15

I think this is the kind of issue that there is never going to be a concencus on.

It’s just individual differences. It bothers some parents it doesn’t bother others.

Some parents let their children go into town shopping on a bus at 12, some don’t let them until 15.

I wouldn’t say it’s these days either. We used to drink on a Friday when I was 15 in 1998! My parents didn’t know they thought I was at a friends.

I went to my first nightclub on my 16th birthday when things weren’t so strict.

I turned out reasonably ok 😂😂😂

FVFrog · 08/09/2018 18:15

Year 11 does tend to be when the parties start to have alcohol....the rule with pretty much all my 3 DCs (21,19,16 so recent experience) was that the host did not provide any alcohol and everyone brought their own, they would generally have a couple of nasty fruit ciders, Smirnoff ice or similar, and parents would have to pick up so you knew you wouldn’t be responsible for anyone over night (we live semi rural which sometimes has its advantages). There is always one who tries to sneak in a bottle of spirit so we would check back packs and do periodic swoops around the party and provide lots of soft drinks/water/snacks as would most of friends parents. My youngest doesn’t like the taste of alcohol so doesn’t bother. I would chalk it down to experience OP and arrange to pick up if you’re worried. And as pp have said, I for one was down the pub dancing on tables after several lager and limes at 15/16!

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 18:15

I have to say, I'm a bit shocked at parents allowing their 15 year old to have a party with booze.

I have a 20 year old, an almost 18 year old and a 15 year old. The youngest doesn't drink. Has no interest in it. The older 2 were drinking at 16 although I suspect dd started drinking at 15.

I did provide them with small amounts of alcohol for nights out once they were 16 and a half but the norm in both of their circles was that underage kids were only allowed drink in their friends houses if the parent had contacted the friend's parent to ok it and to clarify what and how much they were allowed to drink.

I'm not stupid enough to believe they never stepped outside the boundaries I set but I reckon they never stepped too far outside them. This was mainly because I never allowed sleepovers after a night out except in a couple of rare situations and only then if I knew the parents well and they were on the same page as me.

I know you didn't know he was at a drinking party but you've learned a lesson. I would say no to sleepovers for a least another while unless you speak to the parents in advance and are very clear on what the plans are and are happy with them.

Jimdandy · 08/09/2018 18:16

@ShatnersWig there had to be one pedant...

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 08/09/2018 18:16

I don’t think I’ll like it when the time comes for my boys but it happens. I did it, my friends did it. A lot of very responsible middle class school mums did it (and worse). I think how you handle it is important because basically he’s going to do it, it’s just the level of honesty that will change.

For example, if he needs to, don’t you want him to be able to call you if he gets in trouble?

Jimdandy · 08/09/2018 18:17

@CantankerousCamel the days of MadDog 20/20 lol

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:17

@Graphista

To be honest I just guess I was naive and believed him when he said he was going to stay round the house for a get together - he didn't say it was going to be a big party and I assumed him and some of their other mates were just gonna go round for pizza/fifa etc and stay the night.

I didn't even think to speak to the friend's parents, (who i do know but not extremely well!) and I don't follow my son on social media (he wouldn't let me if I tried). I do know his friends as well but I didn't speak to any of them about the party (until this morning!!)

OP posts:

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