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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 15 year old getting drunk?

90 replies

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 17:32

Ok so my son has just gone into Year 11 and went to a party last night, he stayed at the friend's house whose party it was and I picked him up this morning. He was behaving really bizarrely and basically it has come to light that he got really drunk and tbh I think he was still a bit drunk this morning!

I now feel really irresponsible for letting him stay round at this party all night as I didn't realise it was going to be that sort of thing at all!

He said I need to chill out and it's not the first time he's been drunk (news to me!) and he is in Year 11 now and they will have these sort of "motives" all the time (anyone else heard that word to describe a party?!).

I feel really flummoxed by this as wasn't expecting this sort of behaviour yet... AIBU to be annoyed and not want him doing it?

OP posts:

lepotato · 08/09/2018 20:03

Yeah it's normal but you're right to be upset. I find our whole drinking culture really depressing. I was drinking from 12, smoking weed from 15, doing all sorts of drugs from 18. I really hope my kids don't do the same.

PeaceRaven · 08/09/2018 20:04

I remember the days of older brothers buying us all alcohol, it’s a right of passage for teenage boys and most of my group turned out ok 😄

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 20:10

@glintandglide - Seems a bit weird to have a social circle all Focused on brain development.

I'm not sure if you genuinely misunderstood my post or are being overly pedantic but obviously it's not a social circle focused on brain development. However, most parents I know are generally concerned about the short, medium and long term effects of excessive alcohol on teenagers and most try to delay alcohol consumption as long as possible while still trying to take a realistic approach.

You said IRL people just go with the flow and accept these things as part of growing up IME. Hence my suggestion that there are different norms in different social circles.

glintandglide · 08/09/2018 20:21

Ah no I don’t think i misunderstood- it sounded very much like you were trying to indicate you were part of a more sophisticated social circle than the other posters, which seemed a bit of exaggeration

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 20:30

@glintandglide - my social circle isn't at all sophisticated 😁 so no, that was not my suggestion.

You experience one norm. I experience a different one. We both experience the norm for our respective social circles. Maybe the term "social circle" wasn't the best one to use but it was the one that came to mind when I was posting.

Zoe2411 · 08/09/2018 20:37

I think it's normal for a lad his age to be starting to show interest in social gatherings and the territory that comes with , dabbling with alcohol etc , albeit probably a step too far because he's with ' the lads ' and they are all encouraging one another . I think if your son was 'hammered' you'd of definitely received a phone call off a panicked parent to collect so although I am sure he over did it , 1 - he will be suffering for it today and 2 - you would of known at 11pm last night !
You have every right to be upset especially as he clearly showed up to the do with his gun input but banning him from sleep overs and parties etc will make him sneaky and he will feel the need to lie more about his whereabouts etc
He needs to be able to be open and honest with you ( which by the sounds of it he is as you are close) but I think going in on him on the first occasion that you know of that he's been drunk will set the bar for the next few years of school and college . Yes it needs to be dealt with but more so in a way I feel that you get your points across and he still feels able to call you or tell you beforehand his plans x I never was and still aren't a massive drinker but my mom allowed that reign to a degree and I never once abused it , never lied and could be honest and truthful - we usually ended up with me returning from parties sober with 2 drunk mates in tow who couldn't go home due to parents etc
But atleast I could take them back and have an adult help me sort them out etc

I hope you get it sorted with your lad and know it's difficult but we've all been 15 once whether that's as squares or as the socialites ! X

Zoe2411 · 08/09/2018 20:38

Gin '

Ontheboardwalk · 08/09/2018 21:42

I’ve not drank vodka since a bad experience when I was 15.

Still being drunk the next morning is worrying. Speak to him and let him know you’re there if there are any issues with him, his mates and drink in the future and that it’s not a good thing for him to be doing.

Agree with Zoe on the open and honest comment

BlueTyger · 08/09/2018 21:59

honestly OP, its a bit late now, so don't beat yourself up!

but, lesson learned. at age 15, boys need to be watched like hawks I kid you not. I made a similar mistake. Never again. Parties?! 11 p.m. pick up tops!

BlueTyger · 08/09/2018 22:00

p.s. Its not "normal" for all families, and its not a "rite of passage" either for everyone.

GinPink · 08/09/2018 22:05

It is of course up to you when you wish for your child to start drinking. But my parents didn't let me drink at all and would have gone ape and kept me under lock and key if they found out I'd been getting drunk at parties. My reaction was that whenever I could go out I would get completely shit faced, to the point I was throwing up and passing out - way worse then any of my friends who were allowed to drink.

Personally I would try to just have a conversation about it, where you express your concerns as his loving parent. Make it clear you trust him but worry as his loving Mum say that you would rather he drank in moderation or not at all than in excess or whatever. However, I don't think it may work to put a strict 'no alcohol at all' foot down rule on.

moodyblues · 08/09/2018 22:15

Haven’t read tft but did see the bit about him taking a bottle of gin.

My 15 year old is camping out tonight with about 10 or so others (in the rain ha ha), we bought him some cider and we know others are taking alcohol.

He did it a few weeks ago too and had a fab time.

I’m worried someone will take vodka (or other spirits), also worried someone will bring drugs.

I’m worried he will have sex, really worried he will have sex even though I have talked and talked to him about underage sex.

However, I am glad he has told me where he’s going, what he will be drinking, what happened last time, and how he feels about peer pressure.

I know he doesn’t tell me the whole truth but he tells me lots more than most kids would tell their parents and that’s because I give him some freedom.

If he took any alcohol without permission he would be grounded and not allowed to do the next big social gathering. Got to earn trust.

I would, in your shoes, not be concerned about him getter by drunk with his chums - but come down heavily on the taking gin. Not cool.

fifig87 · 08/09/2018 22:19

t is of course up to you when you wish for your child to start drinking. But my parents didn't let me drink at all and would have gone ape and kept me under lock and key if they found out I'd been getting drunk at parties. My reaction was that whenever I could go out I would get completely shit faced, to the point I was throwing up and passing out - way worse then any of my friends who were allowed to drink.

Similar to this, my dad would have gone mental. Neither of my parents drink, but that didn't stop me from walking out the door in the middle of the night to go drinking or staying in friends houses etc. I felt like I couldn't talk to my parents and only found out a few years ago my mam had got my oldest sisters fake Id's! Nearly forgot about the house parties I used to have when my parents were away. My older brother just let us do what we wanted.

Pumpkintopf · 09/09/2018 01:56

I agree with theymademejoin -I've discussed this issue with my friends, we are all concerned about the impact alcohol can have on brain development and have also discussed advice some have had from the police on this issue including that if you host a party at your house at which alcohol is made available to minors you should have consent from the parents.

agnurse · 09/09/2018 05:04

I was never pissed drunk at that age. Even as an adult I've only been really drunk maybe once, and I wasn't to the point of puking or passing out.

I don't think it's reasonable for a 15-year-old to get drunk. Not in the slightest. There are all kinds of problems that can occur, from vomiting to alcohol poisoning to sexual assault and violence. NOT cool.

My parents introduced us to alcohol in our mid teens. Starting at about 14 or 15 we were allowed to have A drink on special occasions - a glass of wine at Christmas, for example. I had my first beer at 17 right after I finished my last diploma exam. But I was taught to drink safely and properly, and not get drunk. Hubby and I plan to do the same with DSD.

That said, we've told DSD that if she's ever in a situation where she doesn't feel safe, we will come and collect her - no questions asked. I said she wouldn't get a big lecture simply because she would be doing the responsible thing by letting us know. I told her the same thing my dad told me - that we'd rather have to go pick her up somewhere at 2 a.m. than have to go to the morgue to identify her.

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