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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 15 year old getting drunk?

90 replies

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 17:32

Ok so my son has just gone into Year 11 and went to a party last night, he stayed at the friend's house whose party it was and I picked him up this morning. He was behaving really bizarrely and basically it has come to light that he got really drunk and tbh I think he was still a bit drunk this morning!

I now feel really irresponsible for letting him stay round at this party all night as I didn't realise it was going to be that sort of thing at all!

He said I need to chill out and it's not the first time he's been drunk (news to me!) and he is in Year 11 now and they will have these sort of "motives" all the time (anyone else heard that word to describe a party?!).

I feel really flummoxed by this as wasn't expecting this sort of behaviour yet... AIBU to be annoyed and not want him doing it?

OP posts:
Original poster
onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:48

@Graphista

TBH i have never had that much interest in having him on social media! I don't have snapchat myself or instagram so unless I made an account specifically to follow him I wouldn't use it. I also don't think it would give me much insight because he rarely posts on it! He will only post if he thinks a picture is extremely cool (i.e him in board shorts in Australia!) so I really doubt I would get much from following him. He doesn't use Facebook!

You are right though I do need to be more on top of where he is going/what he is doing as clearly I have been naive in this instance. He won't be doing any more sleepovers any time soon!

OP posts:
MitchDash · 08/09/2018 18:49

It's important that you don't condone his behaviour. If you do you will give him carte blanche to escalate his behaviours knowing that his family won't give him trouble for participating in unhealthy activities. Also some young people like that they can use 'uptight' parents as an excuse at times to stay sober or not attend things.

I had a variety with my children, one did drink but had to keep it secret, meaning she couldn't roll in drunk, because she would have got merry hell for it. She did however, top up her dads vodka with water when she stayed at his flat. More and more water but he never seemed to catch on.

This isn't the time or the subject to be their mate or be the 'cool' parent IMO.

rogueantimatter · 08/09/2018 18:49

My DS are 21 and 19.

The older one got drunk once when she was 16. The younger one threw up in the car after a party when he was 17.

When I were a lass, not that it's relevant to the thread despite all the pps, it was the norm to drink fairly heavily from age 17.

I used to go to great lengths to avoid my DC sleeping over at parties when they were younger. IMO it's irresponsible.

In fact DD was at a family party recently, ( not my family btw) and luckily was woken up by the sound of a drunk boy choking on his vomit. People die as a result of that. He was too drunk to be woken up. His mum had to remove chunks of puke from his mouth. He would have gone to hospital if they weren't so remote.

OP, I would tell your DS that it's your job to keep him safe. And that you sympathise with him wanting to join in with drinking but that it would be irresponsible of you to let him drink a lot.

I encouraged my two to spend New Year's eve with the family when they were 16 and to have a few drinks, so they could safely have the experience of getting drunk and begin to learn their limits in a safe environment.

I used to go on about the potentially embarrassing effects of drinking. Eg saying embarrassing things. It's entertaining when it's someone else, but not so funny when it's you.

I sympathise OP. It's so difficult.

Original poster
onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:50

@Graphista

Also, yes his father is around. Berating him for being hungover but DH doesn't care as much as I do!

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 18:51

@glintandglide - I actually think complete opposite- only on MN is it very terrible. IRL people just go with the flow and accept these things as part of growing up IME

That's not my experience. Most parents I know are concerned about the impact of alcohol on the developing brain, the potential for sexual or physical assault while drunk, and the other dangers of being excessively drunk (e.g. falling and hurting themselves, choking on vomit etc).

Obviously different norms in different social circles.

zukiecat · 08/09/2018 18:51

I didn't get drunk at 15 either

In fact, not at any age, I didn't drink as a teen, and I don't drink now at 51, I just have absolutely no interest in alcohol at all

My two DDs did drink alcohol, but not at 15, I'd have been furiously angry if they had, and no, they didn't go to parties with alcohol at that age either

Now aged 27 and 25, neither of them drink any alcohol at all

I think their father being a drunken, abusive bully has a lot to do with that

southnownorth · 08/09/2018 18:54

I actually think complete opposite- only on MN is it very terrible. IRL people just go with the flow and accept these things as part of growing up IME

I'm not sure, I think times are changing and teens seem much more health conscious these days. I know from my dd who has just left year 11 the ones who get drunk are looked down on.

Totally different when I was 15 back in 90s it was very acceptable to go out and get drunk and parents didn't seem to mind.

SuperSuperSuper · 08/09/2018 18:55

Year 11, when people are turning 16, is the standard time for this stuff I think. I'm not saying it's fantastic or anything ... but that's the way it is, and the way it was when I was in "Fifth Form" in the dark ages. Not all kids partake though, then and now.

TooMuchPenis · 08/09/2018 18:56

YANBU.

DiegoMad0nna · 08/09/2018 18:56

I first got drunk at 14. That was last millennium so I'm not sure if that counts as "kids these days". I did so again a few times between 14 and 18 at certain parties and events when parents weren't around. Not particularly regular, but not unheard of. Now I have a house and a child and a business of my own and I pay taxes and I'm a good worker and I sometimes drink a few glasses of wine at the odd barbecue or birthday party 3-4 times a year, but never at home because I'm not a big drinker.

So it's not all doom and gloom.

Graphista · 08/09/2018 18:57

How would you know he's not posting anything that would be of interest to you if you're not following?

There's lots of reasons to monitor your CHILD's SM this is just one.

Why does dh not care?

FabulousTomatoes · 08/09/2018 18:57

Having read the opinions on here I think I must live in the most liberal part of the country! I don’t know many parents who would bat an eyelid at a fifteen year old going out and getting pissed.

Of course there are different levels of getting pissed; falling over in own vomit after a vodka binge isn’t OK, but a fifteen year old getting tipsy after a few Thatchers is hardly something to lay an egg over. IMO.

And those saying they have access to their dcs social media... well you may think you do, but do you have access to their ‘priv’ accounts too?!

Racecardriver · 08/09/2018 18:57

It seems very young but its actually very common. I know a couple of people who say their gsce while drunk, others who were practically alcoholics at that age. If anything I would say that it us rarer nowadays because alcohol is less accessible to teenagers than it used to be. I would probably stop the parties altogether purely because there is no need for that any way but I wouldn't worry to much.

Graphista · 08/09/2018 19:02

"well you may think you do, but do you have access to their ‘priv’ accounts too?!" Yep! I did. I'm better at tech than dd plus have a friend who works in this area and a police officer brother who keeps me abreast of developments on apps designed to be hidden from parents.

Original poster
onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 19:04

@Graphista

I have seen his instagram feed a couple of times when he has asked me to take pics etc and there's only about 3/4 pics!

DH just thinks that it's normal!

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 08/09/2018 19:09

My kids are now 19 and 17. My view was no alcohol until 16. DS1 took two ciders to a party a few weeks before that, DS2 was 16 before he drank alcohol at all. DS1 is now at university but until he was 18 obviously I was buying any alcohol he had from home and he still took 2 ciders to a party. Obviously he may have drunk more while he was there and once he mixed his drinks and was sick in someone's garden, but that was it until 18. He never got in a real mess. He is a studious lad and now at Cambridge.

DS2 has had a couple of head spins from drinking a glass of wine with/ before dinner so he is quite cautious I think. He talks about "having a sesh" but he takes two ciders to a party and comes home ok (so far).

I have always refused to buy spirits and warned them that that is how people get in a real mess. (I know DS1 does drink spirits at university). I have told them never to drink so much they can't stay safe. I have told them until I am blue in the face that if they get in a mess they must phone and I will come and get them (or their friends) even if they have done something dumb or are somewhere they shouldn't be.

I have also made them aware of horror stories, there was a lad who drowned in the river near us last winter after a few drinks, no one said he was really drunk, he just slipped. Awful.

So far it's going ok for us.

I think you have been naive OP and I think you need to get your son to talk to you more if you possibly can. I would stop keeping spirits in the house for the next few years. And I would tell him no more booze until his birthday. And then no spirits.

glintandglide · 08/09/2018 19:10

Is it social circles theymademejoin? Seems a bit weird to have a social circle all
Focused on brain development. That said I think these concerns are universal to some extent, but in the context of what can you do? Pushing boundaries is all part of growing up.

Certainly teens now are less likely to drink or do drugs than my generation. But the. That is also why he’s having sneaky sleepover rather than sneaking out to clubs like we did. Although to be fair I was at boarding school, some of the things we got up to would make your toes curl

Bimgy85 · 08/09/2018 19:17

The drink is fine I'd just be watching him for drugs. It's getting more and more popular with very young teens. I drink since 14, don't mind that if they are in a house with friends and not out in town or the street. But I would be watching out for any hints or clues of drug use. ie not sleeping all night on the night out, not hungry at all for hours after the night out, no energy, wide eyes, etc.

Bimgy85 · 08/09/2018 19:23

Some mums really don't care! I was 12 at a friends house and her mum was letting us have alco pops :o I was sick in the bathroom most of the night and it tasted disgusting

glintandglide · 08/09/2018 19:28

Hmm. My friends mum used to buy us alcohol at a very young age at weekends, and by the time I was 18 it was clear she was a chronic alcoholic. We’d give her money and the change probably meant a can of cheap alcohol for her without anyone noticing. She was desperate and very, very ill, as opposed to irresponsible

corythatwas · 08/09/2018 19:29

This kind of situation took my parents unawares 45 years ago. Which is precisely why it didn't take me unawares when my dc got to that age. Imho this is something that is very common and if you don't want it to happen you need to be proactive, which means talking to your dc.

make it quite clear what kind of behaviour you consider acceptable from them

accept that there will be booze at teen parties so it's a question of when you allow them to go

then give them practical hints on how to stay sober once you do allow it- don't drink on an empty stomach, have soft drinks in between etc

make it quite clear that you are not interested in what other young people do: you will hold them responsible for their behaviour no matter what

but be sure to also let them know that they don't have to be so afraid of your reaction that they can't ring you for help if a situation looks like getting out of hand

impress on them that the ultimate goal is to keep themselves safe and keep others safe

we knew we'd got it right the time our (then 15yo) dd rang us to say could dh come because her friend was drunk and needed to get home

GeorgeTheHippo · 08/09/2018 19:33

Absolutely, Cory.

I had a call from DS2 a few weeks ago to say could I wait outside (I was picking him up at 11) because his mate was being sick and they had called the mate's dad who was on his way but would be another half hour and DS didn't want to leave his mate with just one other. It was too much cider and the mate was conscious so I did indeed wait outside but as you say, I felt I was getting it right and the honesty was reassuring.

glintandglide · 08/09/2018 19:53

That’s great george. When I was younger ambulances were called for the very drunk and I shudder now at the wasted resources. If we’d been able to call their parents it would’ve been better all round

merlotmummy14 · 08/09/2018 19:56

I think I was 14 when I first started drinking with friends? Pretty normal imo. Just teach him how to be safe etc and also show him the drinking tea consent video on youtube cause that's usually what follows. Also let him know that whatever situation he's got himself into, make him aware that you will pick him up whatever time of day or night if he is uncomfortable or scared or doesn't like the way the people he's with are behaving and wants an excuse to come home (e.g. lie and say his grandfather's not well etc). Can be a lifesaver.

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/09/2018 19:59

I drank at 15 and I turned out quite well. It’s also incredibly rare that I drink now.
My brother drank at 15 and now he’s an alcoholic.

The point is, it won’t hurt him, if he’s going to have a drink problem he will have one regardless. I would make it known that you won’t be angry, otherwise he will just stay out and hide it