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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 15 year old getting drunk?

90 replies

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 17:32

Ok so my son has just gone into Year 11 and went to a party last night, he stayed at the friend's house whose party it was and I picked him up this morning. He was behaving really bizarrely and basically it has come to light that he got really drunk and tbh I think he was still a bit drunk this morning!

I now feel really irresponsible for letting him stay round at this party all night as I didn't realise it was going to be that sort of thing at all!

He said I need to chill out and it's not the first time he's been drunk (news to me!) and he is in Year 11 now and they will have these sort of "motives" all the time (anyone else heard that word to describe a party?!).

I feel really flummoxed by this as wasn't expecting this sort of behaviour yet... AIBU to be annoyed and not want him doing it?

OP posts:

KlutzyDraconequus · 08/09/2018 18:19

The year I turned 15 I spent the whole if my birth month getting pissed of a weekend and often on school nights.

White lightening over the wreck. Girls drinking 20/20. Everyone acting pissed after two sips. Good times.

If my daughter did it tho, I'd go mental.
Hypocritical yes, but I made the mistakers so she doesn't have too.

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:20

@theymademejoin

It was this other lad's 16th birthday (oldest in the year) so I guess that's why they allowed the big party

OP posts:

glintandglide · 08/09/2018 18:20

Yes I think it’s entirely normal for 15 year olds to be getting drunk with or without their parents knowledge. Whether it’s desirable is probably totally irrelevant tbh, they’ll find a way (I did!)

Lidlfix · 08/09/2018 18:21

I agree with you 15 is not ok. I'm a secondary teacher and my DH works with young offenders so could bore you with science regarding cerebral and physical development but won't. I deal with the fallout from pissed up f'ups many a Monday.

Yep I was imbibing (experimentally) at that age but don't think you can compare generations. I left school at 16, was working full time at 16 and that was the norm where I grew up.

I made bad choices when 15 and drunk and am lucky that cringey stories are the only consequence. Before camera phones and internet!

For my DDs 16 for a couple of alcopops to take to a party. Even if drunk by a slender 16 year old they'd be slightly giggly at best At 17 I'd let them take 4 alcopops/beers/ciders to a "gaff" .

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:24

@BuggerLumpsAnnoyed

Of course I want him to be able to call me if he gets in trouble, we are generally quite close. Also I have not had a massive go at him, he knows I am disappointed but that's why I started this thread - to figure out how normal it is and whether it's unreasonable to be annoyed.

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Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:25

I also do not know how drunk he actually was. His friends were saying he was hammered when I saw them earlier but obviously this could be teenage exaggeration.

It was his odd behaviour this morning as well which led me to believe he was probably really drunk, as he still seemed a bit drunk this morning!

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GrumpyOldMare · 08/09/2018 18:28

Me and my friends weren't pissed at 15. Might have sneaked the odd pint or two at 17 if we looked old enough. I'm 44 now and we just didn't. Seems we were in the minority though

there had to be one pedant...

Actually there's two of us.I never got pissed at 15 either. The odd drink birthday ,christmas and New Year,but only the one. Hated the taste to be honest.

Chugalug · 08/09/2018 18:29

Mine are all adults now ,except the 8 yr old, none of them drink or smoke .im the only one who's done a bit of weed as well.clearly mine had more sense than me ,as I've never had any of them roll home pissed.perhaps my 8 yr old will raise hell for them all.

Rebecca36 · 08/09/2018 18:30

It happens. My son is an adult but when he was fifteen it happened with him and friends - all of whom have grown up well, no alcoholics. As long as no harm is done, why worry. I daresay his friend's parents didn't know nor the parents of the party host. If booze is not supplied, it's sneaked in.

Impress on him the need to be careful how much he drinks.

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 18:32

@onedayiwilldoit - It was this other lad's 16th birthday (oldest in the year) so I guess that's why they allowed the big party hmm

Still not acceptable to me. I presume the law is the same in the UK as Ireland and it is illegal to supply alcohol to someone under 18 without their parents permission?

There were some very lax parents when my older two were that age. We just didn't allow them to go to those houses. Most parents in my kids circles would not provide alcohol without getting explicit permission from the parents. Obviously they're older now so it's not an issue.

Particularly when their son is the oldest in the group, I think the parents were very irresponsible.

southnownorth · 08/09/2018 18:34

Only on mumsnet is it acceptable for a 15 to get very drunk, but it is bad to have a bottle of wine in your 30s.

My dd didn't drink in year 11 either, she is in college now and doesn't drink much at all, neither do her friends.

Chugalug · 08/09/2018 18:34

One of my friends had a rough time with her 16 yr old.he got very drunk at a party and an ambulance was called ,he was out of it ,vomiting all over ,the police came ,broke up the party ,he was blamed ,ambulance called police,and the next day the whole thing was all over the net.so called friends had filmed it ,the bullying at school was horrendous,poor lad .

QueenOfMyWorld · 08/09/2018 18:35

I still remember all the tricks from when I was a teenager(I'm 38) and sadly deceiving my parents left right and centre! When my ds is 15 I'm hoping I can spot dodgy plans a mile off

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:36

@theymademejoin

Totally agree with you I am annoyed that the parents allowed this kind of party and allowed my son to get 'hammered' at it! Why didn't they call me if he was hammered and tell me ! I would have collected him!

However, not sure what I can do about it now as it's happened and not sure what complaining to them would gain?

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wafflyversatile · 08/09/2018 18:36

Well you probably shouldn't encourage him but most of not all of my friends got pissed very occasionally on the sly from that age. At some point we got caught and got a bollocking.

Thesearmsofmine · 08/09/2018 18:36

It’s fairly standard behaviour, I will hate it when my children are older but the teen years are usually spent experimenting.

I remember being sick all over the boy I was in love with aged 14 after drinking.

glintandglide · 08/09/2018 18:37

“Only on mumsnet is it acceptable for a 15 to get very drunk, but it is bad to have a bottle of wine in your 30s.”

I actually think complete opposite- only on MN is it very terrible. IRL people just go with the flow and accept these things as part of growing up IME

Thesearmsofmine · 08/09/2018 18:38

Do you know that the parents provided alcohol? My parents never did but we got it anyway.

lu9months · 08/09/2018 18:39

my son did the same a couple of times last year, i talked to him about my concerns of him not being honest, and that i needed to know where he was, who with etc. he's generally pretty good, and asks if he wants to go to a party now. I'm sure he will be drinking but you can't do much except keep lines of communication open, and make sure they have an uber app on their phone for emergencies. he has a lovely group of friends, works hard and does well at school. teenagers will rebel, its what they do, you just need to make sure they know their (and your) limits and they stay safe. banning everything would backfire

diddl · 08/09/2018 18:39

Nah, I was never pissed at 15 either.

I wouldn't be thinking that there was no alcohol-but not so much that kids would be able to get really pissed.

Also, I wouldn't have dared let my parents see me drunk.

Graphista · 08/09/2018 18:42

"and I don't follow my son on social media (he wouldn't let me if I tried)." Wow! The dynamic is all wrong here! He's got all the information, all the power when it should be you (is his father around?)

My following dd on SM until she was 16 was non-optional. I was paying for her tech used to access it until then, if she'd tried to stop me I'd have taken phone/tablet whatever off her!

"he didn't say it was going to be a big party" of course he didn't! Because he knows you'd have said no! He's not daft!

You need to be more pro-active in getting to know his friends, their parents, where he's going, what he's doing...

And you can't completely blame the other parents, they have no real responsibility for your son or how he's parented.

If he was still affected enough for you to notice this morning he probably WAS hammered.

I also didn't drink at 15, I waited till 16 and have never been one to get drunk BUT I grew up with an alcoholic parent and that made me wary (still didn't stop me from trying it and not wanting to look a "square" for being the only one not drinking in my social group - peer pressure is powerful). I've only been drunk twice in my life, the first time I was still young, learning my limits and underestimated the power of VERY fruity non alcoholic tasting shots, the 2nd some twat of a boyfriend of a friend thought spiking was "hilarious", I was going easy as I'd been unwell and knew it would go to my head quickly, he saw this as an opportunity to try and make me look stupid. Twat! As I said.

lightonthewater · 08/09/2018 18:43

I think you sound lovely but you do sound naive. At this age kids will get away with anything they can. They smuggle booze in where it isn't allowed, and there are a lot of parents who just turn a blind eye, or don't care. I would not allow a 15 year old out all night. Give him a time to be in and then be waiting for him. If he's insensible, he doesn't go out next time. I used to phone the parents to check whether there would be an adult present etc etc... made my kids so angry. Also if he's staying 'at a mate's' this is often code for 'Im planning to be at an all night party'. I'm afraid you have to be very suspicious and one step ahead all the time.

Original poster

onedayiwilldoit · 08/09/2018 18:43

@Thesearmsofmine

I don't know who provided the alcohol tbh. I have asked him but he said there was just loads of booze there he doesn't know where it came from!

However have found out he took a bottle of gin from my cupboard, ffs!

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Longdistance · 08/09/2018 18:45

We were brought up around alcohol. My df used to go down the pub, see his friends. We were allowed a glass of wine with Sunday dinner. Snow balls at Christmas, and I was probably 15.
I went to the school leavers disco with a couple of Bacardi and cokes in me, as df bought me them as he’d knew I wouldn’t be allowed in the club the school hired. I wasn’t ever blind drunk, or even tipsy.
It’s when you shelter them from responsibile drinking is when they can go a bit wild ime.

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 18:46

@onedayiwilldoit - However, not sure what I can do about it now as it's happened and not sure what complaining to them would gain?

I don't think there would be any point in complaining to them. The type of parents who are accepting of 15 year olds getting hammered in their house are the type of parents who will think you are a dry oul shite for complaining. Just look on it as a lesson learned and keep more control over the situation in the future.

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