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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to allow DH to consider this job?

98 replies

ricepolo · 07/09/2018 22:50

Not sure if this is the best place to put this but hey ho.

DH and I have been married for 12 years, together for 16. Four children: 7, 5, 3 and 1. We initially lived in London then moved abroad for a few years and have been back in London for the last four years.

DH is exceptionally good at his job and has been approached about a new role. It’s a brilliant job, just right for him. However it’s in Germany...

The options are to

  • ignore the job and carry on as before
  • him take the job and commute weekly
  • him take the job and us all move out there with him.

Other issues:

  • The kids are so settled here. They love their school and all their clubs and activities.

-I’ve just had a promotion into my perfect job: a role I’ve been dreaming of for years.

-I speak fluent German but the kids don’t speak a word.

-We’ve just bought what was meant to be our forever home here and have spent a lot of money doing it up...

  • DH has travelled with work since forever. I’m used to him not being here (it’s currently Friday night and I’ve just had dinner and a drink on my own in front of my laptop....)

Realistically there’s no way I’m going for option 3 (us all moving). But I don’t want DH to miss out on this so AIBU in encouraging him to pursue the role and commute?

Is this the death knell for everyone’s sanity and our marriage? We trust each other 100% fidelity wise: as I said, he’s been travelling our entire relationship with no issues in that department. I’m more concerned about growing apart etc. and the impact on the kids.

OP posts:
Somerville · 07/09/2018 22:58

IMO life's too short not to spend it with the people you love. And I feel sorry for children whose parents house to live in a different country to them.
So, for my family, we’d look at all going or no-one going.

buckeejit · 07/09/2018 23:00

Could he go Mon early & back Thurs night? If so, then I think that's the best way

thegrinningfox · 07/09/2018 23:00

I wouldn’t move.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/09/2018 23:03

I’d let him decide between 1 and 2. You’re right not to love when you’ve got your career and everyone settled. My H was away for 2 years and came back every 8 weeks for 2 weeks. It has taken a toll tbh, would have been much better if he was here every weekend, but needs must.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/09/2018 23:03

move

OwlinaTree · 07/09/2018 23:03

Is this likely to be the only opportunity for him? If he's exceptional, something else is likely to come along soon?

Singlenotsingle · 07/09/2018 23:04

I agree with buck. He can hop backwards and forwards every week, and you said you're used to him not being here.

Parker231 · 07/09/2018 23:06

Either turn the opportunity down or move. Don’t let him miss out on family time and not see his DC’s grow up.

DelilahandDaisy · 07/09/2018 23:08

If he commuted, he would still be with the family at the weekend though Somerville. We have done all your suggestions at varying times OP, all of them worked well and were the right decision at the time. If you and the children are settled, why disrupt that. I also think your career should be taken into account. I don’t think you will grow apart, my DH is due back tonight after almost a month away, I can’t bloody wait, there will be amazing gifts, amazing sex and then I will sit back and let him do all the work around the house/family/pets etc as it is only fair as I have been doing it all for the past month. 😉

Babyroobs · 07/09/2018 23:08

I wouldn't move.

overnightangel · 07/09/2018 23:10

Commute for 2/3 years, get the money, settle into routine that suits all

overnightangel · 07/09/2018 23:10

That’s of her be earning more abroad? If not why bother

Ellisandra · 07/09/2018 23:11

He’s exceptionality good, and they approached him. So - negotiate. Friday working from home.
If he’s a fully present and engaged father and husband when he’s at home, and during holidays, it sounds fine to me. Add in Skype calls when away. Only if you’re happy to do all the weekday parenting of course!

You can live with your kids 7 days a week and fail to do anything with or for them. It would all come down to how good a father he is already.

Arcadia · 07/09/2018 23:14

Honestly? Given the mess this country is getting itself into I would take it - either all of you or him commuting, to spread your risk. That might sound alarmist but we don't know what the future holds. If I had the chance to get abroad I would take it.

AppleKatie · 07/09/2018 23:19

Does he know if Brexit is likely to effect his right to work in this role in Germany?

Is the money good?

How does he feel about the commute?

I think you’re right to say you are not all going but I think the above questions need consideration.

Eponymous · 07/09/2018 23:20

Option 2, with the Friday work from home idea.
And spend the next year or two getting the kids some basic German. And taking them out there for visits.
By then you'll have a couple of years at your new level and you might be glad of the opportunity to move.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/09/2018 23:28

Your dh is an adult. He knows what the pros and cons are. Tell him your thoughts and concerns but let him decide. if you push him to refuse, it may cause resentment. If he is ok with the kids growing up without him then that is his decision
Just for the record, my dh worked away for years. He bitterly regrets missing out on the kids growing up now, as he has had to learn how to parent teenagers from scratch with no intervening years. After a job change, he is home every night and feels like the outsider. Not easy.

MongerTruffle · 07/09/2018 23:32

Does he know if Brexit is likely to effect his right to work in this role in Germany?

The two scenarios that I could think of in this case would be working for an EU institution or a job that requires some sort of higher security clearance. In those cases, he would have been told by the employer.

keyboardkate · 07/09/2018 23:42

Your OP was about "Allowing"

Big flag for me. Sounds a bit controlling, but that may not be what you intended to say.

Anyway, I would go to Germany with him and kids, they are so resilient and the change to another culture might be good for them. They are not teens in the anger phase yet!

Brexit would make me jump at the chance to get out of here.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/09/2018 23:46

I wouldn’t consider 3 since you have a career too that’s also in need of nurturing and which is blooming where you are (and it sounds like you’re not considering it). I’’d be somewhat pissed off if my DH wanted to do 2) unless it was very term limited (no more than about a year).. You talk about him pursuing a dream job, but what about pursuing a dream family life? I don’t think he would get very much out his family if he was commuting weekly, and I don’t think they’d get much out of him that you couldn’t buy from an enthusiastic teenager (i.e. being energetic and doing day trips at the weekends).

If he decided 2) was for him, I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t and I would do my level best to make it work well. But I would also be starting to think seriously about ensuring I had a sound foundation for bringing up the children on my own should I find I wanted to divorce. I don’t think a great deal of parents (as parents - they may still be good friends etc.) who work away from their children unless it’s fairly unavoidable or brings great family benefits. And having done it for a while pre-kids, I think it does strain relationships somewhat (and with children there is additional strain).

Hastalapasta · 07/09/2018 23:46

Up to you tbh, DH just turned down a job in Germany because our DC are settled here.
He speaks less german than I do, but I feel that moving before brexit would be better.... despite the upheaval of moving kids that do not speak german.

Would school fees be paid? If so a British school could be an option.

Pros and cons are different for each family.

Good luck.

CarpeVitam · 07/09/2018 23:48

I'm thinking along the lines of Somerville OP.....life should be spent with your loved ones

From personal experience, long separations put marriages under a lot of strain. You need to talk with your DH and reach an agreement re your mutual priorities. What comes first? Marriage and family? Career? Financial gain?

Good Luck whatever you decide OP Smile

wombat1a · 08/09/2018 00:04

Either the commute one, but try to negotiate him traveling back on the Thurs eve. However if he manages to make one day a work from home day then remember for him it is a 'Work' day in which he will probably need to put himself in an office at home and keep the door closed and will not be available for fathering/house duties. In fact it might even get to the point where 'work from home' means he has to find somewhere else close to work from in order to get away from the home to do it.

Although if it was me I would move the entire family out, at that age they will settle anywhere fast and the chance for them to live in another country and lean another language is far too good to miss. You and they will regret staying in the UK later on I am sure.

justilou1 · 08/09/2018 05:32

Where in Germany is it? Germany’s awesome! Your kids would have extra German lessons and would pick it up through their skin and be fluent in about four seconds. (Kids as young as yours learn languages very quickly!) We put our kids in a Dutch school in August and they were fairly fluent by Christmas. I think there is more to offer culturally in Germany than in the Netherlands. (Not that I was exactly miserable there, but people are more set in their ways, and less open to new making new friends.)

MaggieAndHopey · 08/09/2018 07:06

I think I'd move. I'd love to live in Germany. Your kids will pick up the language really quickly (especially as you're a fluent speaker). Quality of life much better over there and it's beautiful too.

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