... to allow DH to consider this job?

[ricepolo]

Not sure if this is the best place to put this but hey ho.

DH and I have been married for 12 years, together for 16. Four children: 7, 5, 3 and 1. We initially lived in London then moved abroad for a few years and have been back in London for the last four years.

DH is exceptionally good at his job and has been approached about a new role. It’s a brilliant job, just right for him. However it’s in Germany...

The options are to

• ignore the job and carry on as before
• him take the job and commute weekly
• him take the job and us all move out there with him.

Other issues:

• The kids are so settled here. They love their school and all their clubs and activities.

-I’ve just had a promotion into my perfect job: a role I’ve been dreaming of for years.

-I speak fluent German but the kids don’t speak a word.

-We’ve just bought what was meant to be our forever home here and have spent a lot of money doing it up...

• DH has travelled with work since forever. I’m used to him not being here (it’s currently Friday night and I’ve just had dinner and a drink on my own in front of my laptop....)

Realistically there’s no way I’m going for option 3 (us all moving). But I don’t want DH to miss out on this so AIBU in encouraging him to pursue the role and commute?

Is this the death knell for everyone’s sanity and our marriage? We trust each other 100% fidelity wise: as I said, he’s been travelling our entire relationship with no issues in that department. I’m more concerned about growing apart etc. and the impact on the kids.

Surely there is a fourth option.

DH takes the job and you defer making any other decisions for 6 months, by which time (hopefully) implications of Brexit will be better known. However if there is a direct flight to the location from where you are , and he's already used to traveling, then it doesn't seem like such a huge stretch that he's away Mon-Thu.

My dad worked during the week and came home at weekends most of my childhood (in later years started a working pattern that was more like 3 weeks awake 3 weeks home - he was a consultant). It hasn’t effected my relationship with him at all. Or at least if it did it doesn’t seem a big deal, we are really close.

My only problem with this working pattern is my mum has mental health issues and couldn’t really cope on her own, but you don’t seem to have that problem.

Crumbs OP, I would move in a heartbeat! I’d love to live in Germany.

In your position though, perhaps you can both consider him going first (working long days Monday - Thursday or with some home working thrown in). Or maybe he would be able to do condensed hours and come home every fortnight for five days or so? He can test the water and maybe you and the DCs can go over there and visit. If you both end up loving it there, that would help you make the decision whether to move there permanently. By this time you would have also settled into your new job and judge whether it is everything you hoped it would be.

Don’t worry about your DCs if you do decide to move as a family. At their age, they will settle quickly and it is a fantastic experience for them.

Don’t be anxious about your marriage. So many people live and work away from their families and better to seize these opportunities rather than resenting the fact you didn’t months or years later.

We live in Scotland and when my DDs were fairly young my DH took a job in Manchester. He rented a flat there and commuted usually leaving late on a Sunday evening and coming home on Thursday evening if he could or leaving early on the Friday. I was halfway through training to be a social worker at the time and there was no way we were moving.

He did it for 5 years and it didn't really affect our family life at all. Our DDs spoke to him regularly on the phone - he even read them bedside stories over the phone. We also went down and stayed with him for the weekend on the odd occasion. They are adults now and they both have a great relationship with their dad. I think this is a good compromise.

I'd probably move if it wasn't for my own dream job. I don't see why you should give up yours so he can have his.

My DF worked away for a couple of years when I was a toddler and I missed him. He missed us and felt we were growing up without him and kept trying to get a job closer to home but ended up with a commute. My DM was a SATM at the time.

It's really a question of how long you'd expect the situation to continue. Forever until you retire? DC's DF not being there on birthdays, special occasions, school events, emergencies?

Who looks after the DC when they are ill? Do you have family support near you?

I personally wouldn't worry about the kids not speaking German if you decide to move.

I lived there for a year when I was 6, it was an amazing time, the basics are easy to pick up quickly if you're using the language constantly.

How often would you be able to see each other if he were to work there, and you and the DC stayed put?

I’d move in a heartbeat.

I think the key players are the 7 year old and yourself.

The house you can let, it’s not an issue.
the younger kids will adapt.

But you need to think about your career and the 7 year olds ability to intergeate. My cousins moved when they were 5 and 7 and had forgotten loads of English words within a year so not sure it would be disastrous.

But I’d want to be sure about my own job prospects and he’d need to commit to Germany for a good period of time to give the children stability

-I’ve just had a promotion into my perfect job: a role I’ve been dreaming of for years.

This is going to be stressful if you’re the only adult with four young children Monday to Friday who can get ill etc. Unless you have a nanny?

I don’t think you should either encourage or discourage the weekly commute. If it were my dh I’d tell him I’d miss him and the kids would miss him but we’d cope. It’s up to him.
Only if he had an exit strategy if you all hated it, how long does he need to stay for minimum for appearances? What are the chances of a London job again after?

Where in Germany and where do you live? The flights are easy but depends on where to/from.

To be honest with kids that age I would go. It's a great place to live and even the oldest would probably start school from scratch if they needed to.

You say you speak fluent German. That's unusual so I assume you know the place pretty well already?

Id move tomorrow. Moving to another country during my school years was one of the best and most exciting things to happen to me. It's a great opportunity for your children.

Gosh so many really really helpful views and comments. Thank you.

The job isn’t a once in a lifetime thing but it’s fairly rare. It’s very senior at a big firm, and there aren’t many roles like that around, so there’s no way of knowing how long it’ll be until the next one.

I have a mother’s help three afternoons a week already but extra help is definitely possible.

I can’t transfer my role. I’m leading a new venture so it’s here or nowhere. I could potentially use the experience for a similar role somewhere else in a few years but not now.

Yes Ohtheroses: you’ve hit the nail on the head. Kids are in a feeder school and I’ve looked at the (international) schools where we’d be and they just don’t seem as good which is a worry.

The city is Munich. I studied German at uni and also lived there, hence the language skills, but only in the north, so I don’t know much about the south.

Those of you who have moved children over, did you enroll them in local schools or international ones?

Munich is fab! And you would be so close to skiing in the winter (if that's your thing) - kids could get fluent at German and become brilliant skiers too!

Really? Ok that’s good. I’d heard good things but wasn’t sure.

We just have such a good life here. It’s taken a while but we’re in a good place (literally and figuratively). But DH needs to be fulfilled at work and this role may give him that. He’s not dissatisfied in his current role but he will want to be moving in the next year or so to keep progressing.

I think the option to stay here is the best one, he can take your job and you take yours, maybe review it in a year? I'd also be looking at drawing up a budget plan to make the extra money well worth having in savings. If you're used to him commuting anyway, as a family, it won't take much adjustment.

I actually wouldn't move everyone yet...

I would:

• negotiate mon- thurs in Germany if possible, or longer holidays.

• find a mothers help or student who is either fluent in German or native, and work it into the job that the children are familiarised with the language. Even if you don't go they could get a head start on German gcse.

Or a German au pair if you have the room then you have decent cover for starting a new big project yourself, and the children have consistency.

• get extra things like upping cleaning hours etc

I would trial this for a year... he could hate the job/you could hate yours/one of the children hit a problem at school etc

Definitely keep your options open re Brexit...

Yes the Monday to Thursday thing is good. What I don’t want is Monday-Friday actually being Sunday evening to late Friday, as some of his projects have been. That’s rubbish.

Good idea about the German nanny too.

If Munich, I'd go international (though with four children I would want to know that school fees were on offer as part of dh's package), or at the least find a bilingual state school (they do exist, certainly in Berlin, so I would think in Munich too) - the Bavarian school system can be pretty tough and inflexible with a very 'hard' selective secondary transfer process at age 9/10. Rents and property prices are sky-high in nice areas, but I'm guessing if the job is that senior that won't be so much of a problem.

Depending on what your field is, it's very likely you will be able to find a good job in Munich.

What’s your family and friends network like? We’ve moved to completely different areas twice and both times it’s taken a couple of years to fully settle in and figure everything out and the loss of our friends network has been the hardest part both times - with 4 small children and both working your backup matters, not just the kind you can pay for, it’s the people you can call on a Friday night to meet for a drink and offload the week etc so there’s that to consider too.

Yes I also think you’ll be in a better position a year or two into the job to make a better decision and he can also research education options on the ground

Why did he even apply if you weren’t 100% behind moving?

I’d go. Someone said to me last year that I should sod the new kitchen and go travelling or on a holiday again. You get to retirement age and you’re not going to looking at your kitchen thinking it’s so great, good job you didn’t take that opportunity to move abroad etc.

He didn’t apply. He’s been approached.

I’m normally a lurker but logged on specifically to respond. I grew up in an English-speaking country, have been living and working in Munich for years and have children who were born here.

Things to consider if you all do move to Munich: how long do you expect to stay for? There’s a school that follows the British curriculum called St George’s, as well as two international schools (MIS and BIS). But the fees are high so you’d want them to be covered in any job contract. Alternatively there are various bilingual schools and kindergartens for the children under 6 years of age, they would still follow the Bavarian curriculum which can be quite tough and inflexible depending on the personality of the child. But it would be the best way for the children to integrate if you do stay long term. The local schools are free and offer a good quality education, with other non-academic options if your child is not that way inclined. The universities are also more or less free.

Munich is booming and there is a huge housing shortage. If you ever did consider buying a house you would be looking at spending over €1 million, the prices have gone through the roof in the past few years and have no sign of slowing. Many people live in apartments, many people rent and the laws protect you more so than in the UK. Again, look at the rental prices and see if that would be reflected in the job contract. At a first guess, I reckon you would be paying €2500 to €3000 per month rent for your family, not including bills.

As a family we have a fantastic quality of life in Munich. There are parks and playgrounds everywhere, good public transport and an international airport within easy reach to fly anywhere. The children are encouraged to be independent, they already start walking home alone from their local schools at 6 years of age. There are tons of Vereins with lots of sports, music schools and other options. The Alps and many beautiful lakes are at our doorstep (30 minutes to the closest options) for weekend activities both in summer and winter. The seasons and their weather are more defined and extreme, but that makes it more enjoyable too.

If you speak the language you have already overcome the biggest barrier to many people who move here. There is an active and friendly community of foreigners living here, to ease the transition and make some friends in the early stages.

The annual holidays are quite generous at 30 days per year, with strong tax incentives to families with a stay at home parent and subsidized childcare. At the moment it is very tough to get a kindergarten place in the city, but if you live outside your chances would be higher.

I don’t know what to suggest to you, but these are the points to consider if moving were on the table. The biggest issue I can see is that your career matters too, being a trailing spouse can be soul-destroying if you don’t feel fulfilled.

Thank you!! That’s such helpful information. Lots to mull over. I’ve been a trailing spouse before when we lived in America and it was just not for me. So that may well be the deciding factor, at least in the short term.

I would move. My dad lived in Germany for most of my childhood and life out there was so much better than in the UK. I absolutely loved it. But I didn't go to school out there so I couldn't comment on that.

Six months trial on the weekly commute, then evaluate.