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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to allow DH to consider this job?

98 replies

ricepolo · 07/09/2018 22:50

Not sure if this is the best place to put this but hey ho.

DH and I have been married for 12 years, together for 16. Four children: 7, 5, 3 and 1. We initially lived in London then moved abroad for a few years and have been back in London for the last four years.

DH is exceptionally good at his job and has been approached about a new role. It’s a brilliant job, just right for him. However it’s in Germany...

The options are to

ignore the job and carry on as before
him take the job and commute weekly
him take the job and us all move out there with him.

Other issues:

The kids are so settled here. They love their school and all their clubs and activities.

-I’ve just had a promotion into my perfect job: a role I’ve been dreaming of for years.

-I speak fluent German but the kids don’t speak a word.

-We’ve just bought what was meant to be our forever home here and have spent a lot of money doing it up...

DH has travelled with work since forever. I’m used to him not being here (it’s currently Friday night and I’ve just had dinner and a drink on my own in front of my laptop....)

Realistically there’s no way I’m going for option 3 (us all moving). But I don’t want DH to miss out on this so AIBU in encouraging him to pursue the role and commute?

Is this the death knell for everyone’s sanity and our marriage? We trust each other 100% fidelity wise: as I said, he’s been travelling our entire relationship with no issues in that department. I’m more concerned about growing apart etc. and the impact on the kids.

OP posts:

Pringlecat · 08/09/2018 22:38

What does he gain in terms of salary and increased career prospects?

It doesn't make sense unsettling you or the children, so you need to weigh up the advantage to him and the family unit by him being away for most of the week. If the overall advantage is trivial, I wouldn't be encouraging of it. However, if this means that he will be in a strong position to get an amazing job in the UK in, say, 2 years - it's worth considering. If it means he'll be in a strong position to get an even more amazing job in Germany that means he won't be able to come back to the UK every week - it's the start of a progression into something that won't work for the family.

Original poster

ricepolo · 08/09/2018 23:00

If it ridiculous to consider us never moving and DH commuting long term? That’s ridiculous yes??

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 08/09/2018 23:15

Not ridiculous, but it will put family life and your relationship under strain. More than you'd think.

whiteroseredrose · 08/09/2018 23:21

Big mistake to move everyone, seriously.

RedneckStumpy · 08/09/2018 23:24

I would rent out the house, and move to Germany to Brexit proof yourself

postcardsfrom · 08/09/2018 23:33

Sounds like work comes before his kids anyway so him commuting to a different country isn’t really going to affect how much he sees them. I would go with what’s best for the kids , being settled rather than following daddy around only for him to be at work most of the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2018 23:41

to allow DH to consider this job?

Sorry but it isn't for you to allow or not. I can't see anything where you've talked about what he wants.

Does he want you all to move? To commute 3 to laugh and ignore it?

How much does he work away now and would any of your notice a discernible difference?

Original poster

ricepolo · 09/09/2018 02:51

Yes ‘allow’. He’s been approached, and he really likes the sound of the job but won’t pursue it unless I’m happy with him doing so. So I currently hold the veto and get to choose whether or not discussions should continue. He may well decide he’s not prepared to be away so much, but right now he would like to take the matter further, provided I’m on board.

He works incredibly hard but is also a wonderful husband and father. We would notice the difference.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 09/09/2018 03:26

We trust each other 100% fidelity wise

😂😂😂

Meanwhile in reality, you want to "allow him to consider" something? No wonder the poor fucker works away every chance he gets

actualpuffins · 09/09/2018 04:26

I think for me, the biggest factor and obstacle is that you have a brilliant job and career yourself that would be disrupted by the move. The rest is easier to overcome.

I think the children are young enough to consider it a great adventure and they would really benefit from living in another country for a while. The fact you also speak German yourself means you may be able to get a good job there. How about agreeing a trial period, to live there for 12 months, say, then you review how it's going?

KingIrving · 09/09/2018 05:05

Another trailing spouse here. Currently in Australia after 5 years in Barcelona. In many of our posting, I was alone anyway because DH was travelling country or region. sometimes for 3 weeks at a time. But we have been together since forever and the world is changing. Moving around and new way of working are becoming more and more the norm.

Let him find out more about the job. It might not sound as great after the first interview.
Find out about:

money,
benefits,
allowances (house, car, health, school),
the range of flexibility (one week in UK working from home, one week in Germany) ,
further career advances
and whatever comes to your mind.

In our case, kids are used to Dad being absent or coming home very late, after 9 pm in Spain for example, but when he is there he is 100% present. It means you will have to wear two hats during his absence, being the sole reference for discipline and enforcing it, sometimes the crisis of having to be at two places at the same time 5 km apart.

Your children are very young. Anything before the teens age, they adapt, and make new friends, and Germany is a really cool place to live. Being in the south, means you can go on skiing weekend every week.
I like the German spirit. Easy, free, without judgement, far less stress about schools, relaxed, healthier lifestyle

Why not post in the "living Overseas " section on MN and ask if there are Netters in Germany/Munich www.mumsnet.com/Talk/living_overseas

sofato5miles · 09/09/2018 05:21

My friends did this for a year, with him commuting to Amsterdam. Then they bit the bullet and moved there as a great role came up for her. One year of kids in an international school and then moved them to full immersion at dutch school. Two years later the kids are, to all intent and purposes, fluent and they don't envisage returning.

Original poster

ricepolo · 09/09/2018 05:24

Thanks: will do.

And yes, allow. Sigh. As I’ve explained, he wants to find out more but only if it’s ok with me. If I’m totally adverse to the idea he won’t pursue it because we’re a partnership and make decisions like this together.

OP posts:

mrsjackrussell · 09/09/2018 05:28

I would move. It would be an amazing opportunity for the children to learn German and experience a different culture.
Maybe give it 2 years and then see how everyone is getting on.
What about your job. Can you apply for similar work there? You have the advantage of being a German speaker.

Nancydrawn · 09/09/2018 05:30

Ignore the nonsense, OP--what you meant by allow is obvious: that in your family, as in most functional modern families, your husband doesn't make life decisions unilaterally and that you're thus asking if you should be on board with this job or not.

Does your husband see the potential to transition from the German job back into the UK within the next few years? If this will give him a leg up and allow a transfer back at a better, more interesting job, I'd be tempted to say go for it for a couple years and then leverage that to move back to this position in the UK. Long distance is tough, but if you'd see each other most weekends, it's very doable.

I wouldn't, though, trail, at least not for the first 6 months-year, until he's sure the position is solid.

mrsjackrussell · 09/09/2018 05:32

Sorry just read that you wouldn't be able to get a similar job there.

ImTired · 09/09/2018 05:38

If you do consider moving the family, join Parents in Munich and LMBB (little Munich black book) on Facebook for tons of information from foreigners who live there.

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 09/09/2018 05:54

Seeing as you're the one holding down your job while raising 4 kids when he's gone, I think 'allow' is a perfectly acceptable word.

Pinkprincess1978 · 09/09/2018 06:09

I know loads of people who HAVE to earn their living by traveling through the week and only home on weekends. Personally I wouldn't want to do it and have full respect for the stay at home parent but I see nothing wrong in it.

If you and he are happy with him just bring him on a weekend then go for it. After all, if he has a high flying career chances are midweek time with this kids isn't quality time it's all logistics of getting kids from after school clubs, clubs, fed, home work etc.

justilou1 · 09/09/2018 07:35

Just wanted to add that the German medical system leaves the NHS for dead,
their education system is amazing - International schools also fabulous. Munich is lovely - crawling with busloads of embarrassingly drunk Antipodeans in October, so avoid the Bier Kellers like the plague. (I’m allowed to say this, as I’m Australian and I was one!) It’s not far to fly home if there is an emergency and return flights are often much cheaper from Germany than from the UK. Esp. mid-week. My tip is to check out flights on skyscanner.com but book directly through the airline to avoid booking fees.

BackinTimeforTea · 09/09/2018 08:52

Having moved us all twice and been a trailing spouse I don’t think any of this is obvious ricepolo - the fact you are happy in your career and have 4 children are huge factors. We were weighing up a move recently and I was amazed at the totally positive responses from people I know - Munich might be wonderful but culturally it’s very different and if even one of your children got terribly homesick it could be a bad move.

Presumably they would also miss their extended family more too?

grumiosmum · 09/09/2018 10:01

OP we fly to Munich with the family about 3 times a year and our flights cost almost nothing with DH's air miles. Very regular service from BA from Heathrow. Lots of other airlines fly this route. The travel bit would be easy, however you decide to manage it.

grumiosmum · 09/09/2018 10:07

Sounds like work comes before his kids anyway

What a stupid comment by postcardsfrom. So any parent who wishes to pursue a better career is neglecting their kids? A large part of parenting is providing a nice home and everything that goes with it for the children - and the rest of the family. And also modelling hard work in your career so your kids learn to aspire to it too.

It's perfectly possible to pursue a good career because you prioritise your kids futures, not instead of it.

And this applies equally to men or women.

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