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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To require DSs Father to hold my number and I his?

94 replies

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:10

To cut a terribly long story short, after years of friendship with my DS father, we have had a huge falling out. He has blocked and deleted my telephone number from his phone and refuses to have any contact with me.

I have tried mediation and he has refused.

I want my son to see him. He claims to want to see his son.

I won't allow any adult to take care of my child without being able to contact me and I him. I am an anxious parent and need to know if my son loses his phone whilst with his Dad, I can get hold of him. I need to know if there is an emergency, his Dad can let me know immediately without the delay of using a go between.

He will be here to collect our son in a few days but will not speak to me. I refuse to let him take my child without emergency contact information both ways. He is trying to imply this is me 'not letting' him see my son. He has the option to spend time with DS in his bedroom.

We are at a stalemate and I don't know how we will pass this.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 07/09/2018 22:17

Is there a court order in place for visitations?

It's hard to say who is being unreasonable without knowing why the falling out and blocking occurred. Plenty of people get blocked for good reasons but also for petty reasons.

Lots of people do manage to allow contact even when communication between the parents had completely broken down.

c3pu · 07/09/2018 22:21

Unless the father is incapable of looking after the child I think refusing to allow contact in such a way is a step too far.

Vicky1990 · 07/09/2018 22:24

Can you just confirm you are talking about a father and his son, and you are going to stop the son seeing his father?.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:27

We have had several run ons recently, some calm and some less so. I have not at any point abused his phone number and could call him a million times over on different phones if I wanted too! I only want this communication for safeguarding.

He has given no logical explanation for the number ban.

When he realise I had gone to the child maintenance service he was all for sorting things out and we reached some agreements on contact practicalities which had been a bit more vague in the past - we agreed Wednesday after school would be set at 5 - 8pm for example instead of any random time. I wanted to secure parents and make sure financial support wasn't withdrawn and discovered he would have to pay £180 more per month than he does now. I was happy to negotiate a much lower amount if he would give a number and unblock me but he would only agree to doing this with his works mobile which is no reassurance to me as I can't imagine it to be a priority once he's not working for the weekend.

As he wouldn't give a number, I continued with the maintenance claim and now he is furious and will no longer talk (which underpins the theory that he was only willing to talk so that he could manipulate me into stopping the maintenance claim as everyone was telling me when I began to feel bad).

OP posts:
sue51 · 07/09/2018 22:28

I'm not sure you can stop contact but it's ludicrous to think you can co parent without speaking to each other. Is there a trusted (by both of you) friend who could act as go between while this impasse continues.

bumpertobumper · 07/09/2018 22:28

How old is ds?
From what you have written it is possible that yabu. But there could be circumstances which would mean yanbu.

On the basis of what you have written, it is wrong to stop a child seeing his father because of your anxiety about an extremely unlikely chain of events.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:29

No contact arrangement, always been sorted between ourselves and when DS was younger he would go months without seeing him. He would never take me to court he would rather play the victim!

No I am not stopping my son from seeing his father. I am simply stipulating that he needs to be able to contact me in and emergency and I him. I have no desire to speak with him for any other reason and wouldn't jeopardise having the contact by abusing it!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:31

@sue51

Noone who is unbiased enough unfortunately. He has refused mediation.

OP posts:
sue51 · 07/09/2018 22:32

Just seen your second post. He is upset because you wanted clarity about contact and maintenance. That's ridiculous of him.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:33

This is the point, I am NOT stopping the contact, it is ex DP who is refusing to accept the circumstances of which this would take place. I feel that whatever his reasons for not wanting to have my number and me his, given that I have not abused his number, then if he really wanted to see his son with a fighting spirit to out him first he would not let this be a barrier?

OP posts:
Namechange221 · 07/09/2018 22:33

Are you in contact with his family at all? My ex is similar and has immature phases of blocking me. If I needed to contact him for any reason I would contact his mother, or he could pass on a message back. Not ideal but would take moments for him to text or call her in an emergency and it get back to me.

bumpertobumper · 07/09/2018 22:34

He gave you access to his work number.
He obviously has yours
If there is an emergency you can contact each other.
You are ' imagining ' he won't respond to it. But ds has his own phone. ...
You should let ds see his dad and stop making an already messy and complicated situation worse.

Your ex sounds like a nightmare, but you would be better off rising above his nonsense, not creating more.

Maelstrop · 07/09/2018 22:34

Your ds has his own phone. Why can’t he just have that to hand to contact you himself? To quote many mumsnet posters, contact is not pay per view.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:34

@bumpertobumper

I feel it is basic safeguarding too? If my son goes away with school, they give me details to contact a supervising adult and hold my details too.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 07/09/2018 22:35

Your posts seem to go between being reasonable and controlling in parts. If your DS is a reasonable age and doesn't have any SEN issues I don't see the problem other than you getting your own anxiety under control?

Namechange221 · 07/09/2018 22:36

Noone who is unbiased enough unfortunately. He has refused mediation.

Sorry just seen this. They don't need to be unbiased, they Don't need to have any opinion on you or your wishes but in an an emergency anyone could call and just say there's been an accident, or change of arrangements etc.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/09/2018 22:37

If your DS is old enough to have a phone, there must be a third party, surely, who could be there in case of emergency? Another family member, perhaps?

Unless there's a very good reason for a father not to see his child (such as violence or addiction), if the father wants to do it and the child wants it, then I don't think the mother should let her issues, however valid, stand in the way.

But I accept I might be in a minority.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/09/2018 22:39

I agree that in a crisis you both need some way to get in touch with each other quickly, and having each other's phone #'s unblocked makes the most sense. But, if that isn't going to happen, you must both at least have the number of someone close (your current partner, one of your parents, a sibling) so that they can pass on the information.

What if DS was hurt, taken to hospital, and his phone was damaged/missing? It would be ridiculous if one parent couldn't contact the other.

I know that's highly unlikely to happen, but you both have to do what's best for your DS.

m0therofdragons · 07/09/2018 22:39

He offered his work mobile but you said no? YABU. He knows your address, ds has a mobile so you really are being difficult without a genuine reason despite convincing yourself you have one.

BestZebbie · 07/09/2018 22:40

I actually think from your OP that YANBU.
However, wrt your school example - if your DS went on Scout camp you'd not get the Scout leader's number, you'd get the emergency contact number of someone not on site, who the leaders would update with camp news every day. In an emergency they would contact this person to contact (and spend the time on) you, whilst they were left free to concentrate on dealing directly with the actual emergency/the other children on the camp.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:41

@Namechange221

The only person who has been involved in that way is his sister but she is single and still goes out for girls weekends away etc where she may not always have her phone within earshot (noisy bars etc.) which has already become apparent when I have messaged her recently. As she doesn't have children she would no doubt switch it off rather than onto silent/vibrate like most mums do in situations where they don't want their phone to make a noise.

It may not be every mothers feeling but for me, if there is an emergency I don't want to know a second later than necessary. I don't even like to think about it but there are situations where sometimes those minutes could really matter.

He has told me he has blocked and deleted my number. He doesn't have it anymore. He never gave me the works phone number and now even refuses that because I went to the 'Child Maintenance Service and wasn't compromising'. My compromise was less money for more peace of mind! He's paid £80 for 4 years. CMS say it should be £280. He thinks this is wrong as he has a company car being included in his income. He thinks the true figure should be £120. I would have accepted that as private agreement if he had agreed with the phone number thing.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/09/2018 22:41

cross posting with everyone else Grin

Starlight345 · 07/09/2018 22:42

I am confused . How old is Ds?

How is contact been arranged ? If through Ds surely you can get number from Ds’s phone.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:46

Son has been diagnosed with a Poor Working Memory and he forgets things easily, hence my concerns of him losing/forgetting his phone. It's also for that reason my son has stated he doesn't want to be a go between for arranging contact as he struggles to relay information. Ex DP told him 'he has to learn or he won't get anywhere in life' Angry (because obviously he can just 'get over' a diagnosed issue...!)

OP posts:
offtocornwall · 07/09/2018 22:48

How old is he OP. This will make a difference. Guessing not that young seeing as he has his own phone and you appear to want to say.

Based on the own phone alone you abu.. you can call that one in and emergency and he can call you on his sons . Pick your battles .