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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To require DSs Father to hold my number and I his?

94 replies

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:10

To cut a terribly long story short, after years of friendship with my DS father, we have had a huge falling out. He has blocked and deleted my telephone number from his phone and refuses to have any contact with me.

I have tried mediation and he has refused.

I want my son to see him. He claims to want to see his son.

I won't allow any adult to take care of my child without being able to contact me and I him. I am an anxious parent and need to know if my son loses his phone whilst with his Dad, I can get hold of him. I need to know if there is an emergency, his Dad can let me know immediately without the delay of using a go between.

He will be here to collect our son in a few days but will not speak to me. I refuse to let him take my child without emergency contact information both ways. He is trying to imply this is me 'not letting' him see my son. He has the option to spend time with DS in his bedroom.

We are at a stalemate and I don't know how we will pass this.

OP posts:
Creeper8 · 07/09/2018 23:23

I think yabu. Ive seen it suggested so many times that women should delete and block their exes number and only communicate via email. Whys it different if its a man.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:23

@Nicknacky

Yes but I cannot be certain she will be easily reached.

I am a bit uncomfortable with the suggestion that my parental anxiety is unimportant here and my exes desire to withhold his number from me trumps my anxiety?? I am the one who has raised my son whether this man cared to be there or not, he has not attended one single nativity, school event etc. He never called when DS was little and lived closer but would go months without contact. He makes excuses to not see DS outside of the 'scheduled' contact. He never paid a penny for school uniforms. I didn't ask for child maintenance for 8 years because he made me feel sorry for his previous financial situations. I agreed to £80 instead of £120 a month as I didn't want to cause him financial issues

Why is it after all this I now have to make the sacrifices on my needs?
For my DS?
I get that but it's not like I am actually asking for the world in order for him to continue the contact? Arrangements of contact can continue like they did previously alongside the previous emergency communication channels. Nothing has to change in those respects and I would take a big dip in maintenance to compromise.

I feel that whatever arguements take place, I deserved more respect for raising and providing for this man's child when he couldn't be bothered than to now be cast aside and told I don't need to co-parenting with this person Sad

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 07/09/2018 23:25

Wow yabvu!! This is all about control.
Let your son go and stop making so much agro and drama.
Why do you have more rights and ownership of your son than his father? Why is he safe to be with you without these contact details and yet not ok to be with his father?
Sorry but you’re being ridiculous over this. He’s 15!!!

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 07/09/2018 23:25

YABU and controlling and finding excuses. Find a way of setting up an emergency contact like his sister and a back up if possible. Write down for him: if you ever need to contact me in an emergency situation, your sister has my number and so does person X. Here is the number for Person X. Please send a message to both of them in an emergency so that they can let me know. Thanks.

Your DS doesn't belong to you, OP. He's a person - and at 15yo, more than capable of making the decision to see his father - who is entitled to a relationship with both his parents. You don't have the right to prevent contact with his dad. And no matter how you try to couch it, it IS you preventing it. Your ex wants to see DS, DS wants to see him. You don't get to impose conditions because you are 'an anxious parent.' Your son is fifteen. In the very unlikely event of an emergency, he would have a parent with him and you would be contacted. You are being very controlling.

Nicknacky · 07/09/2018 23:26

Did I say any of that?

For what ever reason, rightly or wrongly: he has blocked you and deleted your number. There is other lines of communication available should it be necessary and your son is 15 so no need to stop contact.

Why would that be fair on your son?

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 07/09/2018 23:28

I am the one who has raised my son whether this man cared to be there or not, he has not attended one single nativity, school event etc. He never called when DS was little and lived closer but would go months without contact. He makes excuses to not see DS outside of the 'scheduled' contact. He never paid a penny for school uniforms. I didn't ask for child maintenance for 8 years because he made me feel sorry for his previous financial situations. I agreed to £80 instead of £120 a month as I didn't want to cause him financial issues

All this is beside the point.

Your anxiety is not a 'trump card' and it doesn't and shouldn't take priority over your son's ENTITLEMENT to see and have a relationship with his father independently of you.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:28

@LuluBellaBlue

" Why is he safe to be with you without these contact details and yet not ok to be with his father"

I am absolutely dumbfounded that he has no concerns on these matters. I cannot get hold of him should something happen and he knows this. How can a parent distance themselves that much to not want to know if there was an emergency? The last thing I would do in an emergency would be ringing around trying to get hold of him because he has blocked my number.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:29

@Nicknacky

My post wasn't all aimed at you, sorry.

OP posts:
HuntIdeas · 07/09/2018 23:30

I’m sorry, but you are sounding quite unreasonable and controlling here. At 15, it should be up to your son whether he wants to see his DF or not

As you say yourself, you can easily ring your Ex from a different line so you would just like him to have your number in case of an emergency. However, obviously when your son goes out with his friends they won’t have your number - just because your ex is slightly further away and your son goes for longer, it doesn’t mean anything is more likely to happen

How are you communicating with your ex now? Email? If so, just email your number to your ex, plus leave your number in your sons wallet (and tell your ex that it’s their). Then your ex will easily be able to find your number if he needs it (if he has even deleted your number, which could well be a lie to wind you up)

freddiethegreat · 07/09/2018 23:40

@TheresAlwaysanAskHole

Yes, ok re friends & proximity. But in July my son went on a day trip with school. He went about 75 minutes south. I went 30 minutes north for work. So we were two hours apart. Teacher/trip leader was in loco parentis. Son had his phone & I had mine. I imagine teacher would have contacted school in an emergency & school would have contacted me - & vice versa. I couldn’t contact teacher direct.

I don’t know. There is no contact between my son & his birth father - not since son was 3 months old. But if BF shows up & is safe & son wants contact then it strikes me son is entitled to it. And not just in my home.

loubluee · 07/09/2018 23:40

You keep saying you need his in an emergency. But if your son was with him, if there was an emergency, he would contact you, not vice versa (unless you are psychic???)

Thursdaydreaming · 08/09/2018 00:04

Thing is though, even if you exchange numbers, he still has the option of ignoring your calls/messages, not calling you, and asking a friend to deliver any messages. You might make him unblock your number but you can't make him take the call.

ExFury · 08/09/2018 00:04

When is your son 16?

ExFury · 08/09/2018 00:14

I feel that whatever arguements take place, I deserved more respect for raising and providing for this man's child when he couldn't be bothered than to now be cast aside and told I don't need to co-parenting with this person

You probably do deserve more respect, but in the nicest possible way it’s about you.

My girls have an absolute wanker for a father. I deserve much better than he’s dished out to me over the years. However that matters not a joy when it comes to their contact with their father.

He might be saying it harshly, but you do need to work out things with your son for as he’s out and about without you. He won’t akways be within close distance to home. It’s terrifying, my youngest has a medical condition that has me on pins when she’s 5 minutes late, but she has to live her life and I have to let her so we have to find ways of equipping them to cope (which for my dd involves her mobile, plus a list of important numbers in her purse, her bag and any suitcase or luggage).

Dermymc · 08/09/2018 00:21

He's 15 not 5.

jcyclops · 08/09/2018 01:13

I wonder if DF and his son ever go anywhere where there is no phone signal? Maybe DF should take his phone into the shower, or into a swimming pool, and maybe he should be the prat whose phone rings when he is at the cinema. Perhaps DF should carry two phones in case one breaks or his battery goes flat, as it's an unmitigated disaster if he is out of touch. It's amazing that just 20 years ago less than 20% of us had mobile phones, but separated parents somehow managed to raise their kids together.

eurochick · 08/09/2018 06:37

I thought you were going to say this was about a toddler. He's 15. He has his own phone. You need to let him go.

offtocornwall · 08/09/2018 06:42

You are being beyond ridiculous OP. - on another thread today you are planning on taking your child to live in the Middle East. Sounds to me that you want to completely frustrate his relationship with his father. !

At 15 you really don't get to call these shots. The hole 'I need his number in an emergency just doesn't work. At15 he is away from you (I would assume ) multiple times a week at school, clubs, hobbies and in town/at friends houses. There is no guarantee you can contact him in an emergency. Phone signal /noise / deliberate ignoring (the most normal and understandable teenage response to 'parental anxiety) . You just have to accept that this is not possible sometimes.
As for 'blocking your number' - that is easily remedied by simply unblocking it when he wants to call you.

You have absolutely no right to dictate terms of contact between your son and his father. That is their business.

You are seriously suggesting that when his father comes over you are going to refuse to let them leave the house together because of your anxiety issues ? That is just bonkers. Do you remember a time before mobile phones OP ? Would you have banned him ever going out ?

This is about you and your anxiety and massive control issues. All mixed in with the belief that his father is a 'lesser' relationship. It's not your relationship OP, it's your sons and you need to stop interfering and leave them to it.

rwalker · 08/09/2018 06:51

but a cheap payg phone put a £10 on it and give it to his dad with your number in

meditrina · 08/09/2018 06:57

I think YABU.

How many times have you seen the advice on here to use a separate phone for contact with a difficult ex?

He's dong this to you, and is using his work phone as that phone.

You have asked for a number, and he has provided one. your argument that he might answer it falls down because that applies to any and every phone.

This really isn't a reason to disrupt contact.

Zoflorabore · 08/09/2018 07:05

My ds is also 15 and sees his dad twice a week, his choice.

He has a mobile phone and it is glued to him like any other 15yr old.
I understand the anxiety issues as my ds has Aspergers but he's taking GCSE's next year and leaving school so is capable of arranging contact with his dad.

We've been separated since he was 2 so obviously I did all of the arranging whilst he was young. Ds has never really liked staying out but I told him he could decide for himself at 13 and has never stayed since but has a brilliant relationship with his dad, now married with a toddler.

I thought your ds was a little child from your op. My dp has accused me of "mollycoddling" my ds in the past which is true.
I've had to let him go out in the world and do things for himself, including contacting me if he needs to.

There sounds like so much more to this ( and I too have had issues with maintenance but never let it get in the way of contact )

Jeezoh · 08/09/2018 07:06

You need to unclench and stop putting barriers in the way of their relationship. But I’m guessing you don’t want to back down and lose face.

Juells · 08/09/2018 07:18

I can't believe people are suggesting all sorts of workarounds where the OP buys a phone for ex and does this that and the other. FFS. I can also see why she refers to the child as 'hers' if contact has been sporadic. This all seems to be about having to pay more CM.

Poor working memory affects people in different ways. Mine is always bad, but gets ten times worse when I'm in a stressful situation.

CripsSandwiches · 08/09/2018 07:23

Well he does sound like a bit of a dick to me but I don't think this issue is enough to stop contact. Maybe provide DS with an emergency extra phone (just a cheap PAYG), or put your number on a key ring attached his bag so it won't get lost.

StoorieHoose · 08/09/2018 08:05

I think this is the OP who has a stand up argument in the street and then started shouting through the letterbox at the ex’a Pregnant wife

You sound very controlling OP. Back off and let your 15 year old sort it out with his father

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