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AIBU?

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Original poster

To require DSs Father to hold my number and I his?

94 replies

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:10

To cut a terribly long story short, after years of friendship with my DS father, we have had a huge falling out. He has blocked and deleted my telephone number from his phone and refuses to have any contact with me.

I have tried mediation and he has refused.

I want my son to see him. He claims to want to see his son.

I won't allow any adult to take care of my child without being able to contact me and I him. I am an anxious parent and need to know if my son loses his phone whilst with his Dad, I can get hold of him. I need to know if there is an emergency, his Dad can let me know immediately without the delay of using a go between.

He will be here to collect our son in a few days but will not speak to me. I refuse to let him take my child without emergency contact information both ways. He is trying to imply this is me 'not letting' him see my son. He has the option to spend time with DS in his bedroom.

We are at a stalemate and I don't know how we will pass this.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 07/09/2018 22:48

‘I refuse to let him take MY child’.....

This sounds extremely controlling.

You have the father’s work number. Your son has a mobile.

Absolutely no reason to stop contact. You need to get over your control and anxiety. It’s not about winning.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:50

DS has just turned 15 but please read my previous post. I do have ex DPs number but cannot get through to him unless I was to use other phones. He has also blocked my DH.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine2017 · 07/09/2018 22:50

Could you suggest that he gets/you provide him with a very cheap old phone purely for contact with/issues related to your ds? This means that he doesn't have to provide you with his personal contact details but that you have a form of contact for him.

MsMotherOfDragons · 07/09/2018 22:50

Buy a cheap pay as you go phone, load it with credit and save your phone number on it, and give it to him for when he has your DS with him. That way you can reach him or he can reach you if needed, but he maintains his privacy and is contactable when needed without having to give you his number.

ArnoldBee · 07/09/2018 22:51

Are you the OP that had the huge fight with his pregnant wife the other week?

offtocornwall · 07/09/2018 22:52

My daughter has poor working memory. It doesn't make kids forgetful it means they have to read and reread to retain facts. They will get extra time in exams.

In five years she has never lost a phone and has never had a problem passing on messages.

How old is your child OP

offtocornwall · 07/09/2018 22:55

At fifteen it's time to butt out of contact OP. You let them sorted out between themselves and stop dictating where his father can see his child.

Time to let go of this too tight control whilst also getting to pay the correct amount to support his child.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:55

@Youaremysunshine2017
@MsMotherOfDragons

That has crossed my mind and I may attempt to pass one onto him but I feel he may refuse. I would also be concerned he wouldn't take it with him when they go out somewhere, unlike his own number.

I have not abuse his number and would not because that WOULD give him a reason to block me.

You have this wrong if you think that this is me trying to stop him from seeing our son, me and DH have to push for him to see him and had to push for the regular contact as he didn't make an effort. Our big argument stemmed from this, how he doesn't properly include DS in his new life and how he should be there for him more.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 07/09/2018 22:57

Sorry but you're way over controlling.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 22:59

@offtocornwall

With all due respect, the issues your child presents do not have to match my child's to have the same condition. He has a diagnosis of Poor Working Memory and this was diagnosed as a result of him struggling to tell the time, being poorly organised and unable to recall and relay information from just a few hours ago. He does however have a really high level of reading comprehension and has been top of his class for this!

OP posts:
freddiethegreat · 07/09/2018 22:59

My 15 year old - with significant SEN - has occasionally spent a night away - or even just an evening hanging out at a friend’s. Under those circumstances I have his mobile, which he goes (mostly) keep charged. I don’t necessarily have the friends’ numbers, but I know where he is & in an emergency (or just a delayed curfew) I contact him on his own phone or via a third party (family friend who is mutual friends with parent or Fbook or whatever). I too am a (notoriously) anxious parent because of SEN and with a 4 - 10 year old I would agree. For 15, yabu. IMHO only.

Youaremysunshine2017 · 07/09/2018 22:59

I think you should offer/suggest this. Youve exhausted every option then. There's nothing you can do in terms of making him take it out with him. He can leave his own phone at home if he wants to.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:00

@Rachie1973

What makes you say that?

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 07/09/2018 23:03

How do you know he has blocked you and DH on his phone?

If he has, what do you think his reasons for doing that might be?

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:03

@freddiethegreat

Yeah my DS would go out with friends too and I wouldn't have all of his friends phone numbers etc. The difference here is they will often go for days out that can be over 90 mins drive. Ex DP lives a 15 minutes drive away so it is further than a friend's house would be

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:07

@ImAIdoot

We couldn't get through to him when we tried to following the argument (5 days later to discuss a finance issue, the regular contact due that evening and to ask to meet up to talk things over). He blocked us because we had argued with him!

I think, truthfully, it's his wife. I hurt him when I left him and then when she met him we got on very well and so I think she may see me as a threat to her. If not that then I think it's because she wants her little bubble and her stepson, DHs sons mother and (step)father don't fit into that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:08

We used to get on exceptionally well, he was rubbish at regular contact but always there for the important days - birthdays, Xmas etc. Less so on such days now since marrying.

OP posts:
Gersemi · 07/09/2018 23:10

He's offered you the work mobile number. For goodness sake take it and arrange contact. Your belief that he might not take the phone with him isn't based on anything rational and is not a good enough reason to deprive your son of contact with his father.

Nicknacky · 07/09/2018 23:11

So presumably your son has a phone. So if there is some kind of emergency that’s his dad needs to contact you then he has access to that phone for your number.

If you are arguing so badly then it’s possibly understandable that he has blocked and deleted you.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:12

@ImAIdoot

I've asked his reasons and he doesn't give me any. Only that he wants nothing to do with me (remember he was OK for a few days and wanted to sort things out but it is now obvious this was to try and pay less maintenance). That's fair enough, I don't want him as a friend anymore, but I do think the best thing for our son is for us to be civil and in contact about the important things.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:12

@Gersemi

He has retracted the offer of giving me the work phone number.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/09/2018 23:14

And his own sister has your number so worst comes to worst, he would be able to access your number.

Original poster
TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 23:15

@Nicknacky

Yes but not if DS forgets that phone or god forbid it gets damaged in an emergency situation.

DS has a pin on his phone and fingerprint recognition so it wouldn't be straightforward for ex to access the phone details.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/09/2018 23:15

I'm still with my DCs Dad so I know I can't fully understand how difficult it is when communication breaks down like this...but I still think the OP isn't BU in wanting her Ex's direct number.

OK, their DS is 15, but he's still a minor and they're co-parenting him. I think having direct phone numbers is reasonable until he turns 18. Then they can cut contact with each other completely.

Nicknacky · 07/09/2018 23:16

But he has other ways of getting you number should he need it.

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