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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He isn't giving me much choice! Or AIBU?

96 replies

SlimmingMumOf1 · 07/09/2018 18:45

So my husband has got a promotion which means he will be working irregular hours, and it clashes with my working days so I've had to get childminder in place so that I am able to go work too as I love going to work but we also need the extra income, however I do love staying with my DS too. He has asked me to just stay at home and look after him but he knows full well that with one income coming in, it won't be enough to get any disposable income at the end of each month! I work PT, he works FT including overtime which is entirely his choice.

I've had to change and swap my days to accommodate our shift pattern so I have to find another CM which took a stressful week but finally got there, however he is now saying he doesn't want to allow that to happen as he will be in CM for far too long (11 hours three days a week). I said what do you honestly expect me to do then? Whenever I try and change again to shorter hours means I work more days, but then he goes what about him? (Our DS).

I said oh, so it's my responsibility as usual is it! It's okay for you, you can piss off and do whatever days and hours you want to do because you think you're better than me cos you earn more than I do so he's got more rights to work whenever he wants.

Now he is saying I am being unreasonable because I should be the one who should stay at home! I thought FFS here we go again. I'm the one who has had to sort out all the childcare while he just sat back, relaxed and waited for his new job to start but he still gives me feedback on what we should and shouldn't do regarding his care! I feel like he is going to win and I'm just going to end up being a SAHM :(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/09/2018 18:50

It's a tough one that you need to sort out together. All I keep thinking since I read it is, 11 hours is a very long time.

How old is your DC?

honeylulu · 07/09/2018 18:51

I should be the one who should stay at home!

If my husband said that to me (he wouldn't though) I'd tell the chauvinistic twunt to jog on! Why "should" you stay home? Especially as you don't bloody want to! Let me guess ... because you have a vagina???

Blanca87 · 07/09/2018 18:52

Tell him to fuck off.

teaandtoast · 07/09/2018 18:52

YANBU. Keep your income.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/09/2018 18:54

11hrs is a long time, but if that’s what you need to do, then so be it.

Continue to make plans around your working. If your H doesn’t like it, tough! Do not give up your job, you could find yourself in a vulnerable position in the future .

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 18:56

First, why did he take a job that impacted on the family in this way? Making childcare issues clearly foreseeable. Then pressured you to quit work - which would be likely to negatively affect your personal future earnings and pension, left you to organise the childcare and moaned about the arrangements you made!

He sounds sexist and selfish.

I would not wish to be financially dependent on a DH like that. Keep working.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 18:58

He wants you to “facilitate” his earning power at detriment to your own.

MissionItsPossible · 07/09/2018 18:59

Stay at home and look after him? Lol. Is he a child? Or have we gone back to the fifties and I wasn’t informed?

Penfold007 · 07/09/2018 19:00

allow that to happen so what does H intend to do about it?

NoSleepzzzz · 07/09/2018 19:01

That's fine if he doesn't want your ds to be in childcare for 11 hours straight. He now needs to go back to his boss and ask for different hours so that he can collect your ds earlier. You shouldn't have to keep changing your job to suit him when he's the one with the problem.

Whatififall · 07/09/2018 19:01

Honestly, 11 hours 3 days a week won’t harm your child. It has to be done sometimes. Before DD started school I had to do that, she was dropped off at 7.30am and picked up at 6pm. I worked 3 days 9-5 and that was it. DD was fine.

Your DH is being a dick about this. You’ve sorted it all out, dealt with the impact of his new job, if he doesn’t like it tell him to sort his hours out to accommodate your child.

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2018 19:01

I’d say I’ve thought about it and as a family we can’t afford your promotion. That’s far more reasonable than suggesting you quit work altogether.
He will think it very unreasonable of course but it will help with drawing a line in the sand that you work. The follow up discussion would have me say (shout) I have worked my job around you , I have taken care of all the childcare arrangements to make YOUR JOB CHANGE work while you’ve sat on your bum. If you don’t like it, you can do one of two things - thank me for facilitating your life and stop whingeing , or change your hours and look after your own children.

UpstartCrow · 07/09/2018 19:01

Yanbu. Whatever you do don't lose your income, he isn't being reasonable.
If I were you I'd look at going back to work full time and get some savings.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/09/2018 19:04

YADNBU tell him that if he doesn't want your DS in childcare for 11 hrs he needs to change his shifts. You have done your bit. Let him sort it.

He sounds like a sexist pig

sexnotgender · 07/09/2018 19:07

YANBU, he sounds terrible!

You’re equal parents why does he think you should be the one to give up work?

MsVestibule · 07/09/2018 19:10

How do you reason with an unreasonable person? I don't think you can.

A PP's suggestion of telling him that, as a family, you can't afford for him to take this promotion is a good one. Obviously that won't happen, because he is God Almighty so can do whatever he likes but there is an outside chance that it will make him think about what HE has to do to make this work for all of you.

Becoming a SAHM in these circumstances is a very bad idea, but I think you know that.

Giantsquid · 07/09/2018 19:15

11 hours 3x a week is too long frankly. Many will argue about ‘their rights, their income, their independence’- all valid but a small baby away from you 11 hours a day three times a week is a lot. However it’s not just you making that choice. Your DH has actively made it by taking on impossible hours.

Batcrazymum3 · 07/09/2018 19:22

I'm not saying your DH is right to leave all the childcare arrangements to you but if you are working less hours it is easier for you to arrange your days around and it does seem like your work is flexible with you as you said you have changed you're days.
If your DH was offered a promotion, it doesn't make sense that he rejects it, but it's a different matter if he apply for the job without consulting you.

eddielizzard · 07/09/2018 19:22

It's all sacrifice and compromise for you, and absolutely no sacrifice and compromise for him. And we wonder where the gender pay gap comes from. It's fucking misogynistic attitudes like your DH's!

changedagain67 · 07/09/2018 19:25

If your husband is that against the long child care hours he can turn down the promotion. He has created this situation, not you. He needs to take the hit to sort it instead of expecting you to give up what you want from your life, to facilitate what he wants from his life. You matter as much as he does.

You must absolutely not give up your job and make yourself financially dependent on him.

WinnieFosterTether · 07/09/2018 19:26

It sounds as though you're both digging your heels in tbh. Did you discuss the promotion at all before he accepted it? Did you discuss how it would impact your hours and childcare?
You need to take the drama out of all this. It's a question of logistics. Sit down and go through all the numbers ie working hours; shift pattern; childcare and agree what actually works for your entire family ie you, DH and DC. If you both agree 11 hours is long then someone needs to adjust their hours.

WizardOfToss · 07/09/2018 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

changedagain67 · 07/09/2018 19:28

Sorry Winnie, I agree with PP. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. Her DH sounds like he has already decided the pecking order. Him. Him. HIm. Child. Wife.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 19:32

There is zero fucking way I'd ever be a SAHM to a sexist, chauvinistic arsehole like your H. 'It's too long for him to be in childcare.' 'Well, you sort out an alternative then. I'm not quitting my job.' And then I'd carry on, which is exactly what he does. He does whatever the fuck he wants. Why can't you?

He'd win FA from me because I'd never in a million years become dependent on a git like this.

travailtotravel · 07/09/2018 19:33

@timeisnotaline has this one pinned. Say that.

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