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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He isn't giving me much choice! Or AIBU?

96 replies

SlimmingMumOf1 · 07/09/2018 18:45

So my husband has got a promotion which means he will be working irregular hours, and it clashes with my working days so I've had to get childminder in place so that I am able to go work too as I love going to work but we also need the extra income, however I do love staying with my DS too. He has asked me to just stay at home and look after him but he knows full well that with one income coming in, it won't be enough to get any disposable income at the end of each month! I work PT, he works FT including overtime which is entirely his choice.

I've had to change and swap my days to accommodate our shift pattern so I have to find another CM which took a stressful week but finally got there, however he is now saying he doesn't want to allow that to happen as he will be in CM for far too long (11 hours three days a week). I said what do you honestly expect me to do then? Whenever I try and change again to shorter hours means I work more days, but then he goes what about him? (Our DS).

I said oh, so it's my responsibility as usual is it! It's okay for you, you can piss off and do whatever days and hours you want to do because you think you're better than me cos you earn more than I do so he's got more rights to work whenever he wants.

Now he is saying I am being unreasonable because I should be the one who should stay at home! I thought FFS here we go again. I'm the one who has had to sort out all the childcare while he just sat back, relaxed and waited for his new job to start but he still gives me feedback on what we should and shouldn't do regarding his care! I feel like he is going to win and I'm just going to end up being a SAHM :(

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 07/09/2018 19:39

11 hours a day part time is not exceptional.
My DD has done 11 hours a day in childcare 3 times a week from the age of 14 months. All my childminders other mindees did similar hours. It’s a normal working day once you factor in the commute.
If he doesn’t want your DS in childcare then he needs to make his hours work to accommodate shorter days.

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 19:43

I think it’s not as easy as plain chauvinism. You are equal parents and need to agree together what is important. If he has to work full time and earn enough to allow you the luck of part time work, then yes, it probably is you who has to offer greater flexibility.
If money isn’t important and you don’t need to increase your family income over time, then he doesn’t need to worry about his promotion or working hours and can work part time too.
He’s right 11 hours is too long. Three days a week means in effect somebody else is bringing up your child.
In reality, there has to be compromises somewhere. We chose my career to,take the hit because we knew we wanted more children. I then supported his career by fitting in around it and taking responsibility for the child care arrangements.
You simply can’t have everything.

Quartz2208 · 07/09/2018 19:44

Why should you make all the sacrifices both in terms of working and in terms I suspect if you did stop working of the financial benefits

Tell him its his promotion that is causing it and if he feels that strongly that he can find a new job to facilitate less time

And also wonder how on earth you ended up up being married to such an arse

Whyohsky · 07/09/2018 19:48

Ask him how he’d manage if you divorced and went 50/50 on the childcare?

Jeippinghmip · 07/09/2018 19:48

I think you should get a full time job, your career is just as important. Then tell DH that child care needs sorting out to accommodate both your jobs.

Do not be bullied any more by this man.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 19:52

I doubt OP’s H is working FT to fund OP working PT. working PT is not necessarily a “luxury”. And it often has a high cost to the PT worker.

Presumably they wish to have a parent home with DC some of the time, and he doesn’t want to, and/or he earns more.

“if you are working less hours it is easier for you to arrange your days around”: not necessarily the case. OP’s employer has agreed to PT work / fixed work pattern already.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 07/09/2018 19:54

Another one who doesn't think 11 hours is unreasonable. Especially with the right childminder, it's pretty much like being at home...

WallisFrizz · 07/09/2018 20:02

3 x 11 hour days...not ideal but no worse than 4 shorter days. Loads of people do this, kids are fine, happy and well adjusted. See how it goes, change if it doesn’t work for you.

GenericHamster · 07/09/2018 20:02

Fuck off Cherry, .how is three days a week someone else bringing up her child? Are you unaware that weeks are seven days long for a start?

Ok 11 hours is not a short day, but lots of kids do it five days a week! Not ideal but sometimes needs must. Not everyone has the luxury of choice.

Three days is perfectly fine, imo.

GenericHamster · 07/09/2018 20:03

but yes your husband is being unreasonable to leave all the working it out to you and then expressing dissatisfaction with the results of HIS choices!

BewareOfDragons · 07/09/2018 20:05

I'd tell him you're actually going to start looking for a fulltime job and he will have to do his half of the pick ups and drop offs, since you can't see your marriage lasting very long with his shitty attitude towards you and your career. You are just as important as he is. You are just as entitled to work as he is. And he is just as responsible for the child and home as you are.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2018 20:08

We chose my career to,take the hit because we knew we wanted more children.

This is how women get screwed. The expectation is there that women will take the hit, because they are paid less. They are paid less and offered less because the expectation is that they will take the hit. It's so ingrained.

NEVER give up you job for a sexist man. He will screw you in the divorce as well.

InezGraves · 07/09/2018 20:09

He got the promotion. He sorts the new childcare arrangements. If he doesn’t like your child being in nursery for 11 hour’s, he’s perfectly at liberty to turn down the promotion.

Seeingadistance · 07/09/2018 20:11

He got the promotion. He sorts the new childcare arrangements. If he doesn’t like your child being in nursery for 11 hour’s, he’s perfectly at liberty to turn down the promotion.

This. Exactly this.

His working hours changed so why is it your problem to fix?

WizardOfToss · 07/09/2018 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InezGraves · 07/09/2018 20:13

HOURS, NOT hour’s..

MelanieLampshade · 07/09/2018 20:16

He's being a dick. Stick to your job. Yes, 11 hours three days a week is not idea but it's a lot better than having no money for holidays, days out or new clothes. I am having to budget like mad at the moment and it is NO FUN.

JagerPlease · 07/09/2018 20:16

My DS is 2 and has done 4 x 10 hour days with a childminder for the last year. He's perfectly well adjusted and very much still raised by his parents! It's perfectly normal once you factor a commute in.

I think PPs have said all I would say about your husband and his attitude!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 07/09/2018 20:21

Do NOT give up your job. If you do, you will live to regret it. He doesn’t care about what you want, just what suits him. This will get worse and it will get worse more quickly if you do as he wishes.

he is now saying he doesn't want to allow that to happen as he will be in CM for far too long (11 hours three days a week

‘Allow’? He can fuck right off with ‘allow’. You don’t need his permission to work. If he doesn’t want DS in childcare for so long, he will have to negotiate different hours at work. End of.

Do not give up your job. Choose which hours YOU prefer.

honeylulu · 07/09/2018 20:23

We chose my career to,take the hit because he has a penis and i don't we knew we wanted more children.

Yes thanks for that, Cherry. This is why there still a gender pay gap.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 07/09/2018 20:28

If he has to work full time and earn enough to allow you the luck of part time work

No, you have that backwards. She is working part-time, sacrificing her career, in order to enable him to work full time even after having become a father and having increased childcare and household responsibilities.

AnoukSpirit · 07/09/2018 20:30

How do you reason with an unreasonable person? I don't think you can.

Quite.

He doesn't give a fuck about the child in all of this; the child is just a convenient tool to control your choices, op. To stop you working. To limit your independence. To limit your confidence. To stunt you.

He is a controlling cunt, basically.

This is not normal or acceptable. This is not what your life should look like.

You are neither his possession nor his employee. He is not your master.

I severely doubt this is all there is to it. Although this is unacceptable all on its own.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

gamerwidow · 07/09/2018 20:33

He’s right 11 hours is too long. Three days a week means in effect somebody else is bringing up your child.
What a load of offensive bollocks.

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 20:36

Ours worked out just fine. It certainly wasn’t a recipe for disaster. I could pick up my career after the children were older. There is no way splitting the childcare and focusing equally on our careers would have had such a positive outcome, we’d certainly have been much worse off financially if he wasn’t free to build his career. That was important to us as a family. It wasn’t about him being male. I was initially the most driven and higher earner but we realised survival on maternity pay wasn’t viable. He also couldn’t feed our babies.

Having worked with very troubled children for many years, we both felt strongly that institutional care was less than ideal. We wanted to be the biggest influence on our children in their formative years.
We were very lucky that he rapidly moved up the ladder and we all benefited from that. It wasn’t about him or me - it was about us as a family unit.

Inertia · 07/09/2018 20:37

If he doesn’t like the arrangement, he needs to go back to his manager and either ask for a different shift pattern or turn down the promotion.

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