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AIBU?

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Original poster

He isn't giving me much choice! Or AIBU?

96 replies

SlimmingMumOf1 · 07/09/2018 18:45

So my husband has got a promotion which means he will be working irregular hours, and it clashes with my working days so I've had to get childminder in place so that I am able to go work too as I love going to work but we also need the extra income, however I do love staying with my DS too. He has asked me to just stay at home and look after him but he knows full well that with one income coming in, it won't be enough to get any disposable income at the end of each month! I work PT, he works FT including overtime which is entirely his choice.

I've had to change and swap my days to accommodate our shift pattern so I have to find another CM which took a stressful week but finally got there, however he is now saying he doesn't want to allow that to happen as he will be in CM for far too long (11 hours three days a week). I said what do you honestly expect me to do then? Whenever I try and change again to shorter hours means I work more days, but then he goes what about him? (Our DS).

I said oh, so it's my responsibility as usual is it! It's okay for you, you can piss off and do whatever days and hours you want to do because you think you're better than me cos you earn more than I do so he's got more rights to work whenever he wants.

Now he is saying I am being unreasonable because I should be the one who should stay at home! I thought FFS here we go again. I'm the one who has had to sort out all the childcare while he just sat back, relaxed and waited for his new job to start but he still gives me feedback on what we should and shouldn't do regarding his care! I feel like he is going to win and I'm just going to end up being a SAHM :(

OP posts:
User467 · 07/09/2018 20:37

Why do people only see dropping hours and picking up the burden of childcare as a sacrifice? Why is the parent working long hours not also considered a sacrifice?

My husband works long, sometimes very long hours which in turn means that I pick up most of the childcare when I'm not working. This means that I do work my hours round the kids more then him. At times it can seem unfair but the truth is I chose to reduce to part time so I could spend more time with my kids. I worked hard to get to a good place in my career where I could drop hours and still be comfortable. He works long hours in a job that allows me to do this. The nature of his job has never been and never will be 9-5. He wouldn't be nearly as successful as he is if he had insisted on leaving bang on home time. Not all jobs have that flexibility. He could easily tell me he was fed up with it and that I would have to go back to full time to allow him to reduce, but he doesn't, and although at times it is hard, I appreciate that I am able to have the balance that I do. I see it that we have to balance earning enough with balancing the needs at home and we do it as a team, even if that means not everything is evenly split.

Only you can tell if he is being unreasonable OP as only you heard the conversation and only you know the ins and outs of your finances and how him changing his hours would affect that. But all I know is that when I am off work with the kids while DH is working late to meet deadlines it doesn't really feel like it is me making the sacrifice

nokidshere · 07/09/2018 20:40

I,am a childminder, I have often had children for more than 33 hours a week. Believe it or not they are fine and I have NEVER "brought up" someone else's child. What complete rubbish. And yes, offensive.

There are 168 hours in a week. 33 at childcare leaves 135 for the parents. Even if the child sleeps for 70 of those hours the parent is still getting over 60 hours with their child. Some people need to keep,their uninformed opinions to themselves.

nokidshere · 07/09/2018 20:42

we both felt strongly that institutional care was less than ideal

Institutional at a childminders??? You maybe need to visit some!

Aaarrrggghh · 07/09/2018 20:46

There are 168 hours in a week. 33 at childcare leaves 135 for the parents. Even if the child sleeps for 70 of those hours the parent is still getting over 60 hours with their child. Some people need to keep,their uninformed opinions to themselves

This. With bells on.

Mehaveit · 07/09/2018 20:48

What Loopy said. Why didn't he put his family first when he chose to take a job which impacted on his DC and DW?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 07/09/2018 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 07/09/2018 20:59

I agree with Aaarrrggghh said.

I would also go as far as to say do everything do not give up your job, you need to protect yourself from your husbands 1950's attitude.

itswinetime · 07/09/2018 21:02

If he was worried about your ds he would suggest trying it and the reviewing if it doesn't work surely?? He isn't he is trying to stop you doing something you want! Only you can be sure why but I would have done of it! If he isn't happy with the childcare you have arranged he can feel free to sort something else.

RidingARollerCoaster · 07/09/2018 21:26

Only two thoughts spring to mind whilst reading this thread:

  1. Cherry is an arsehole

  2. I’m so glad I’m single now, I’ve always had to sort out & bend to childcare needs despite working FT in the exact same job as my ex. Now he can do 50/50 or pay me for the fucking privilege of having to run round like a dickhead to make everyone’s schedules work!

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 21:27

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Yes they did a couple of years at secondary boarding but that was because of not wanting my cancer treatment to impact on their attainment. It felt like a good reason at the time given my husband worked away a lot.
They went to a state primary and the older ones went to a comprehensive. I think you’re being a bit unfair.

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 21:29

RidingaRollerCoaster - are we not allowed different opinions or lifestyles without it resulting in silly, not very articulate insults? You sound very angry.

Socksey · 07/09/2018 21:30

I'd come at it a slightly different way.... tell him, fine, you'll be a sahm but he needs to be earning a sum (random but slightly unachievable nimber) before you are willing to do it.... make him find the solution

HSMMaCM · 07/09/2018 21:43

3x11 hrs with a CM is fine. She will give your DC time to relax, just as if he was at home. I have children 5x10 hours + and I just make sure they can have a break when needed.

Chickychoccyegg · 07/09/2018 22:07

I look after a few children 11 hours a day, 3 or 4 days a week, it's fine for the children, a childminder is a home from home environment, so plenty opportunity for quiet time/rest as well as lots of fun activities and you build good relationships quickly with those children as they're with you for long days,
it doesn't sound like you have much choice, your dh is being very selfish, wanting everything his own way.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 07/09/2018 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerwidow · 07/09/2018 22:27

My 8 yo DD has been going to the same CM for 11 hours x 3 days from the age of 14 months until now and she’ll keep going there until she is in secondary school.
She loves her CM they have a great bond and the CM does so much with her during the days when she’s not at school then I can. As an only she also likes having the other Kids to play with. It’s been so positive for her to have our CM in her life.

Starlight345 · 07/09/2018 22:35

I am a childminder. I regularly have children 10 hours a day 8 /9 hours work plus travel so Op dc is only doing an hour extra . If he thinks it’s too much he needs to collect early some days . Or drop offf late.

I agree sounds like his promotion no benefit to you or your family .

LeighaJ · 07/09/2018 22:36

I think you'll want to keep your income and skills fresh for whatever may lay around the corner. Js...

twattymctwatterson · 08/09/2018 09:17

If this is indicative of his general attitude to you I'd LTB. He doesn't respect you and thinks women exist to facilitate men

cestlavielife · 08/09/2018 09:33

3 x long days is fine
If h doesn't like it he can change his hours and pick ds up earlier. You have 4 x full days plus all 7 nights with d's. On the 11 hour days you are still 13 hours with d's getting him up and putting to bed
What hpurs does h spend with d's when he isn't working?

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 08/09/2018 09:46

Cherry 3 days a week still means they spend more time at home.

Additionally it's clear you're doing this from a place of privilege, you and your husband had flexible, high earning careers. For people on low and middle incomes this isn't alway an option, both parents need to work to pay bills.

Please have some compassion, op sounds distressed by this, many other people might not be happy with their children in childcare but don't have the choices. You're just turning the maternal guilt knife and I think we have enough of society doing that without turning in each other.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 08/09/2018 09:46

Three days a week means in effect somebody else is bringing up your child

Biscuit

What a moronic and blatantly goady statement. Three days a week is very part time. You honestly think any parent who works three days out of seven is not bringing up their own child? Get a grip.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2018 09:52

In case it needed saying again....

do not give up your job

You may need it when this entitled dickhead lets his promotion go to his head and decides he deserves a little dalliance with his secretary

FrangipaniBlue · 08/09/2018 09:57

So your DH wants to dictate what hours/days patterns your work and what days/hours DS goes to a childminder but not actually do any of the childcare or sorting it out himself?

I believe the phrase you're looking for is git tae fuck mate

Maraudersmap1 · 08/09/2018 09:58

Tbh if he's being like that then if you gave up working he would probably later turn around and say you aren't contributing to the income enough or something 🤷

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