He isn't giving me much choice! Or AIBU?

[SlimmingMumOf1]

So my husband has got a promotion which means he will be working irregular hours, and it clashes with my working days so I've had to get childminder in place so that I am able to go work too as I love going to work but we also need the extra income, however I do love staying with my DS too. He has asked me to just stay at home and look after him but he knows full well that with one income coming in, it won't be enough to get any disposable income at the end of each month! I work PT, he works FT including overtime which is entirely his choice.

I've had to change and swap my days to accommodate our shift pattern so I have to find another CM which took a stressful week but finally got there, however he is now saying he doesn't want to allow that to happen as he will be in CM for far too long (11 hours three days a week). I said what do you honestly expect me to do then? Whenever I try and change again to shorter hours means I work more days, but then he goes what about him? (Our DS).

I said oh, so it's my responsibility as usual is it! It's okay for you, you can piss off and do whatever days and hours you want to do because you think you're better than me cos you earn more than I do so he's got more rights to work whenever he wants.

Now he is saying I am being unreasonable because I should be the one who should stay at home! I thought FFS here we go again. I'm the one who has had to sort out all the childcare while he just sat back, relaxed and waited for his new job to start but he still gives me feedback on what we should and shouldn't do regarding his care! I feel like he is going to win and I'm just going to end up being a SAHM :(

he still gives me feedback on what we should and shouldn't do regarding his care!

I'd tell him to go fuck himself. Why does it all fall to you? Is all your money pooled are the costs for the cm all coming out of your wages?

I'd consider whether it would just be easier without him tbh.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

This man is not on your team.

professional childcare is fine you should be looking to safe guard your interests because he certainly isn’t going to.

Why can’t he use his bags of fucking overtime cash to pay for childcare????

33 hours out of a waking 60 hours is over half the time. I accept this is sometimes seen as the only way but it’s still the majority of the time with a childminder or in an nursery. That remains, in my view, a lot. I always preferred to forego luxuries (car, holiday) in order to allow more time with us. We moved from one end of the country to another (several times) to allow us to do this financially as we preferred to have children learn to swim, to play music, to speak French and that wasn’t offered through childminders or day nurseries generally. Yes, a luxury for me.

No, I’m not coming from a privileged position at the time we made the choices - probably very similar situation to the OP ( except our decision making was entirely shared). We struggled to make ends meet. We used Tesco value beans on toast at the months end. We dropped to one shared car. We didn’t holiday except where it was free. We had ‘new to me’ clothes.

The decision to be made is whether short term compromise of the women’s career ( and with maternity pay for subsequent children it probably has to be woman) is in the best interests of the family overall. It can’t be him or me it has to be us. If in allowing the compromise (or luxury depending on perspective) of part time work, you end up a few years down the line much, much better off financially and have had opportunity for the children to be reared in their early years by parents rather than in institual care (and yes a nursery is institutional care by every definition) then that might be a price the family is willing to pay.

You can’t simply decide it’s me and what I want or him and what he wants. If you are a family unit you have to look at the wider and longer picture.

Cherry why are your children only awake 8.5 hours a day? Most are awake for 14-16 hours?

The decision to be made is whether short term compromise of the women’s career ( and with maternity pay for subsequent children it probably has to be woman) is in the best interests of the family overall. It can’t be him or me it has to be us.

Really. Funny how 'us' in these kinds of scenario almost always turns out to be 'him'. And your point about 'short-term' compromise for women is contradicted by the point about maternity leave gaps for subsequent children.

OP working and retaining financial independence is not a “luxury”.

Am I the only one concerned for childminders that do 11 hour days, most probably 5 days a week?

Am I the only one concerned for childminders that do 11 hour days, most probably 5 days a week?
It is a hard job but they are self employed and to a degree can choose their own hours. My CM is happy with the hours she works. She also volunteers with guiding and runs another business in addition to her CM work. She doesn’t need your concern.

Cherry, your maths is a bit shoddy or you haven't read the post properly. The child would be at the child minders a third of their waking time. About the same time as at school for school age kids. Your post was very judgy. I would never judge someone for putting their kids in boarding school rather than cutting down their hours so they can look after them when their children most probably need them the most. But then I would never judge anyone for sending their child to a childminder for 3 days a week either!

Am I the only one concerned for childminders that do 11 hour days, most probably 5 days a week?

Concerned about what exactly?

A lot of posters here are looking at this as a “me and him” scenario. You are a team,

DH is the main breadwinner in our family, and therefore I facilitate him working. All money is joint money so I need to facilitate him. If I got a promotion and was earning the most, roles would swap.

You don't have to argue with him. People say dumb stuff all the time. Other people shrug or dismiss it all the time.

He says he doesn't want DS in 11 hrs a day childminder, you shrug say something like "I'm not worried" and continue making your cup of tea or whatever.

Above all, don't give any semblance of possibility to stopping work. Always always treat that as a non-negotiable: "My career is not optional." Talk about career not job. Have conversations about promotions or advancement you'd like, talk about what your career will be like when the DC are teenagers or have left home. Make it very clear that you do not choose to swap your whole future career for housewifery because he feels a bit funny about the impact of his career choices on the family.

redneck you’re only a team if you both know that. The dh doesn’t seem to, he thinks he’s a hotshot with a wife to look after the dc and boring shot and earn a few quid when she can spare the time. There’s no team there.

I’m a team with my dh and he wouldn’t dream of expecting me to rearrange childcare to suit his work plans. That would be his job to initiate and we would look into options and agree on the plan. If he implied my job didn’t matter all bets would be off.

A team works together. If one 'partner' gets all the glory, and the other 'partner' does all the routine hardwork that doesn't get paid, that's not teamwork.

DH has got a promotion, that's great and could benefit the group. OP has recognised that, has changed her working hours and done all the legwork of arranging childcare. That's great teamwork on her part, and involves some sacrifice (changing her hours at work).

DH has said it's not good enough. But he's not willing to do anything about it. That's not good team work.

Redneck

I’ll say it again
This man is not on your team.

By word and deed he has made that much clear.

I think YANBU. My rule is, if you can't be bothered to do it yourself in a relationship, you don't get to criticise as long as it gets done. I often find myself organising childcare and other admin things on behalf of DH. Would he do it if I didn't? Probably not in a timely way - maybe not at all. Would I like his feedback on how I could organise it better? Erm...no. I do have to sit on my hands slightly when he doesn't think ahead (despite months of notice) and then has to take DD to work because he's too busy to take the day off, but he could easily have asked my mum or one of our friends to have her for a few hours if he'd actually put his mind to it in advance.

I would just say: "I have arranged childcare and changed my hours of work to cover your new job. The appropriate response is 'thank you'."

Or maybe, "there's no I in TEAM, but there's a ME if you look hard enough...".

My daughter is in 9 hours a day 5 days a week so we can feed her and keep a dry warm home for her. Your son will be fine for 11 hours a day 3 days a week.