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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re putting children on your lap on public transport

413 replies

user1485342611 · 07/09/2018 13:18

Someone in work this morning was saying that she had to stand the whole way in on the bus while at least three adults with toddlers allowed those toddler to take up a whole seat. We were all agreeing that they should have put the toddlers on their laps to free up 3 seats during rush hour. Apart from one colleague who has a 4 year old and didn't see why he should be denied a seat or she should have to put up with feeling 'a bit squashed' just so someone else could have the seat.

When I was a child it was just the norm for kids under a certain age to be pulled onto their mother's lap when the bus started filling up. No one thought twice about it.

AIBU to think it's a shame that parents don't do this anymore and that my colleague is being a bit selfish?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/09/2018 18:08

A normal healthy ten year old is perfectly capable of standing on public transport

As is a normal healthy 20/30/40/50/60 year old....

RockinHippy · 07/09/2018 18:40

YADNBU.

Those that don't do it, risk bringing up self entitled kids who don't realise that it's good to think of other people other than themselves sometimes. My own DD is walking disabled, plus too old to sit in my lap, but she would still offer her seat to someone who looks less able to stand than she can.

When I was small, kids were expected by the travel company to give up their seats & sit on laps, as adults pay full fare, they don't

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 18:46

You are right. Mine sat on my knee on occasions until they were about 10 having offered their seat to adults. How weak and feeble are people that they can’t sit a four year old on their lap?

OneStepSideways · 07/09/2018 19:07

4 year old is unlikely to sit on the mother's lap! My 3 year old would throw a tantrum. The mother may be pregnant or have health issues that make it difficult or painful to have a child on her lap.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2018 19:10

but she would still offer her seat to someone who looks less able to stand than she can
Abd no one is disputing that she shouldn't. Its the argument that by dint of being a lowly child they have less rights to the seat than an able bodied adult that is ridiculous.
And at what age are they entitled to not give their seat up to an able bodied adult who is fit to stand? On their 18th birthday so they suddenly get equal rights to seats?

OneStepSideways · 07/09/2018 19:13

It just means an extra person gets to sit down, not that either you or your toddler have to stand

Or it means a full blown kicking screaming tantrum at being made to sit on your lap (including lashing out at the person who took the seat) and a bus full of people glaring at you because of the racket! Not all toddlers are happy to sit on a lap!

I give up my seat to elderly or frail looking people, but they have to sit next to my toddler (and get pestered with non stop questions and chatter!)

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2018 19:15

How weak and feeble are people that they can’t sit a four year old on their lap?
Given at least one person has said why they can't for their own physical medical needs how bloody rude can you be??

RockinHippy · 07/09/2018 19:16

Sleeping, did you miss the bit where I said she was disabled Confused she has a right to priority seats as she needs it. If she can give up her seat, why shouldn't a healthy 4 yo Confused

Kids pay child fare, when they are paying full fare, you might have an argument

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2018 19:22

RockinHippy no I didn't miss it. She makes an assessment as to whether someone needs it more than her, as is sensible. I wouldn't expect it to give it up to someone who needs it less than her. I wouldn't expect a healthy fit 30 to need a seat more than a 4 yo who isn't tall enough to hold on properly, who isn't big enough to stop people knocking him over as they push past to get off and who is basically elbow height on a packed bus.
It's about needs. Many on here think being aged 18 makes their needs more important than a child.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2018 19:23

I give up my seat to elderly or frail looking people, but they have to sit next to my toddler (and get pestered with non stop questions and chatter!)
Someone is gonna come on and point out you should raise your child better than to bother adults with their chat and that child will just grow up feeling entitled to talk to people more important than they

Timeisslippingaway · 07/09/2018 19:32

@Lydiaatthebarre

Eh so are healthy able bodied adults.

I think everyone has missed the point here, OP was not talking about anyone with a disability just an able bodied woman who gets the bus to work and they expect any children to stand and risk getting knocked over so they can be more comfortable! I would love to see them walk up to another adult and ask them to move and give them their seat 😂 why is my 10 year old expected to stand. To be honest I would stand so he didn't have to but if a 30 year old able bodied person who isn't pregnant came over and asked either of us to move and let them sit down just because they thought my 10 year old don't deserve the seat because he's a child, I would tell the cf to piss off.

Timeisslippingaway · 07/09/2018 19:40

SleepingStandingUp

Someone is gonna come on and point out you should raise your child better than to bother adults with their chat and that child will just grow up feeling entitled to talk to people more important than they

What? I agree that children shouldn't be bothering other people while they are out bit this sounds very much like you think people should bring up their children to think that everyone else is better than them and they should never speak to anyone 😂😂

bingbongnoise · 07/09/2018 19:40

@LeftRightCentre

YABU. Sick of all this bitterness over a fucking seat and banging on about its being manners and entitlement and blah blah blah. Get a life.

You sound irrationally angry. You OK hun?

woodhill · 07/09/2018 19:43

Perhaps you need to be firmer with your toddler when they start a tantrum side, you are in charge.or perhaps I've forgotten how hard it can beSmile

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 07/09/2018 19:47

I would love to see them walk up to another adult and ask them to move and give them their seat
I've seen this happen, nastily in fact. An older man, and I mean older as in older than my DF and I but in no way elderly, demanded DF get our of her seat for him. She explained very calmly that she was disabled (its not immediately obvious but obvious enough when pointed out) and needed the seat. The man ranted for ages, swearing at her, etc. I was standing nearby and tried to get him to leave her alone. Another man stepped in asking him to leave the disabled lady alone and offered them their seat. Wasn't good enough - he wanted that particular one. There was nothing wrong with him, except she was sat in his preference of seat. Bus driver told him to either take the offered seat, get off the bus or speak to the police. He took the seat muttering his entire journey.

animaginativeusername · 07/09/2018 19:51

I would up the seat and put my son on lap until 5 years old, now I wouldn't for able bodied individual as I purchased a ticket

bingbongnoise · 07/09/2018 19:55

I agree that able-bodied adults are no more entitled to seats than children. It's really entitled, and as a few posters said further back, it suggests children/teens are less worthy humans than adults.

These comments are probably coming from the same people who think older people automatically deserve respect and special treatment, purely because they are 'older.' So a 68 y.o can be an absolute cunt, and talk to people much younger like shit, but the young people must 'respect them' because they are 2 generations older.

Utter bollocks. Respect is EARNED. Talk to me like shit, and I don't give a rat's ass if you're 25 years (or more) older than me, I will talk to you the same!

As for the OP calling Anita SILLY for her valid comments. That says more about you @user1485342611 ! Hmm

OneStepSideways · 07/09/2018 20:09

Perhaps you need to be firmer with your toddler when they start a tantrum side, you are in charge.or perhaps I've forgotten how hard it can

I am firm with her, but she's going through that defiant outraged stage. At home I ignore the tantrums, but you can't do that on a bus when they're flailing and screaming and yanking on your hair in a rage. I'd rather avoid the tantrum. At 3 their brains are still immature, they have poor impulse control and can't regulate their emotions like older children and adults.

I think some people see small children as being on the level of pets. They forget they're people.

I still remember the humiliation of sitting on my mum's lap on the bus (school age so probably 4 or 5). It was the done thing back then, not so much now. I think it's a good thing.

RockinHippy · 07/09/2018 20:33

How many of you who wouldn't put your DCs on your laps or have older ones stand, pay full fare for your DCs?

Because surely, even if you can't agree that bringing them up to respect their elders & have them do the polite thing & give up their seats to an adult. Can you not at least get, that if you are not paying a full fare price for them, their entitlement to a seat, is trumped by an adult who does pay full fare Confused

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 20:43

Hmm Rockin I’m not sure I agree that full fare makes a difference.

My D.C. don’t pay full fare at the cinema. Would you expect them to move for an adult?

What about a booked seat on a train? They aren’t paying full fair there either...

I should note that when my D.C. were little I did put one of them on my knee and now they are too big for my knee I would direct them to offer their seat to an elderly/infirm/pregnant person. But the reason I’d do so is nothing to do with how much fare we paid.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/09/2018 20:44

Seats are first come first served not who pays the most. Many elderly and disabled people won't have paid anything.

woodhill · 07/09/2018 20:49

The elderly have probably paid NI contributions at some point.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/09/2018 20:54

A person with a paid bus pass will have paid less per journey than a person who bought a ticket on the day but it's neither here nor there when it comes to getting a seat.

Timeisslippingaway · 07/09/2018 20:54

@RockinHippy

Again someone making this stupid invalid point. Paying full price for public transport doesn't mean you are anymore entitled to a seat, public transport is for transporting you from A to B. Parents don't make up the prices for their children, I'm guessing that's the people who run the transport companies. My children don't pay as much as me at the cinema, next time I'll make them stand if it gets too busy shall I?

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 07/09/2018 20:56

I travel on the bus daily to take my 2 DC to nursery while I go on to work. I'm on at the first stop of the route, park my baby's buggy and have my daughter sitting next to me, she's 3 1/2.

If a parent with small children, someone older who needs a seat or a pregnant woman etc got on then I would put my daughter on my lap but it's really impractical and quite unsafe holding my DD while trying to hold the buggy as well to stop it tipping.

On the way back I've had to hold the buggy up and hold my DD hand trying to keep up all in one piece while plenty of people refuse to offer any DD a seat so I really feel it goes both ways.