Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have the impression that I've only been invited to this Wedding reception as an afterthought just to 'make the numbers up'?

87 replies

Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 11:35

My friends dd contacted me the other day and asked for my address as she wanted to send me an invite to her Wedding.
I thanked her, gave her my address and she then text back to say that the invite is only for the evening reception, but because there's apparently been a 'cock up' with the invites she warned I might accidentally receive an invitation to the whole day.
I was confused by this as my invite obviously hadn't been sent yet, so how could I be sent the wrong one?Confused
Anyway, the invitation came and sure enough it is for the whole day and night. Complete with a separate lovely card asking for money talking about how they don't really need presents etc but would love to save for that special something.

I didn't at first think much of it, until I noticed that the invitation should've been replied to over four weeks ago!

I'm now left wondering if my friends dd has already used up the evening invites, realised some people have probably declined their invite, and so she's now decided to invite me (and probably others) in order to make the numbers up?

This could be why I've received an out of date and incorrect invitation, that's all she might have had left!

AIBU to not now want to go? . For what its worth, the reception is also fifty miles away and I would have to drive so I can't even have a drink so I'm really not sure whether to bother going when I feel like I'm an afterthought .

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 07/09/2018 11:40

Your conclusion sounds about right to me. If you don’t want to go, just don’t go - it’s an invitation not a court summons etc etc. Grin

scaryteacher · 07/09/2018 11:43

The cynic in me thinks it's to make the contributions 'for that special something' up!

52FestiveRoad · 07/09/2018 11:44

It is fine to decline! I would just send a card, no money or present, and wish them well.

greendale17 · 07/09/2018 11:44

I didn't at first think much of it, until I noticed that the invitation should've been replied to over four weeks ago!

^It is glaringly obvious that you were an after thought

NotTakenUsername · 07/09/2018 11:44

Yes you sound like an afterthought, or perhaps your friend really wanted you there but her dd had to get through other invitees first.

Don’t go if you don’t want to. Politely decline and leave it be.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 11:46

Oh dear that does sound a bit fishy.

I normally like to give the benefit of the doubt but I do wonder if Scary is correct.

Personally I’d decline politely and send her some lovely tea towels.

TheGateauIsInTheChateau · 07/09/2018 11:52

Well to be honest I sent day invitation outs well before the evening ones on the basis there was more planning involved with day guests (menu options, table plan etc) then evening guests I invited about a month before wedding.

So you’re not necessarily an after thought for the evening, but sure, maybe she ran out of the cards... or her mother asked if you would be invited and therefore she has invited you on that basis. You got an invite and that’s lovely. I don’t know why people get so bloody sniffy about being invited to someone’s wedding - it’s a wonderful, special event, why is it such a hardship to go? 🙄

Assburgers · 07/09/2018 11:54

If it’s your friend’s DD, you are probably not super close anyway? And your friend probably asked if you had been invited. I expect she forgot and so had to do the emergency invite thing. Just go if you feel like going. It might be nice to hang out with your friend?

HopefullyAnonymous · 07/09/2018 11:54

I did similar for my wedding. Both sets of parents had family friends they wanted to invite but numbers were tight. I said that if we had guests decline the invite then I would invite them. Could it be similar? I was happy to have them there, and they were very much wanted guests for my parents, so it’s not necessarily that you’re a complete afterthought if that makes sense?

I sent fresh invites though...

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 11:54

I'm just glad I wasn't imagining it then! and yes, I should've added that I feel I'm also being invited to help 'add to their fund'..

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2018 11:58

I think it's not a huge insult for 'mum's friends' to be an afterthought at a wedding - you would expect the guest list to centre on the bride and groom's friends and immediate family, after all.

It sounds to me like she's had a couple of declines which now means she can make her mum happy by inviting you. I'd (personally) see that as a nice thing to do. Although sending the daytime invite does take the shine off a little.

reddressblueshoes · 07/09/2018 11:58

Honestly, I sent the day invites in advance of the evening invites and requested RSVP sooner, partly because some of the evening guest invites were people I would have liked to invite to the whole day but we had restrictions, so I was hoping I would have time to give them whole day invites if people inevitably declined.

We had enough evening invites, but some went out v late - this was not because we didn't want people, but because a) it took us ages to gather addresses and b) we had some negotiating with the venue about capacity and fire regulations and whether high chairs counted as chairs, etc etc. I also miscalculated the thank you cards so we did run out of those.

If its your friends daughter would you have expected to be invited? We didn't say anything about presents on invites, and I would have been mortified if anyone on the evening invite list felt they should bring anything. So that bit is grabby. But its credible to me your friend said 'oh can you invite @figbiscuitsandtea and the daughter said 'argh we're running out of numbers ok I'll at least send an evening invite but lets see if there's enough space for the full day first' and then ran out of evening invites. Equally, no obligation to attend evening only.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 07/09/2018 11:59

I can't imagine being someone who thinks like this, all paranoid and snarky. If I get an invite I ask myself do I want to go or do I not? And then I either go or don't go. I don't sit around dissecting their motives for inviting me and trying to turn a nice thing into a nasty thing.
Here's the thing, their wedding is not about you. If you don't wish to go, say thanks for the invite and decline. That's all you need to do.

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 12:01

Thewinter
'Paranoid and snarky'?

I might be being 'unreasonable' for posting what I did, but I think your comments are over the top

OP posts:
FatherBuzzCagney · 07/09/2018 12:06

So you're an afterthought, not a friend of the couple, and would have to drive 50 miles just for an evening do so they can tap you for cash? And you're thinking about accepting because...?

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 12:08

Would you have expected to be invited?
No I wouldn't expect anything, but I've never received 'the wrong' invitation before in the way I have, hence my post.

OP posts:
actualpuffins · 07/09/2018 12:15

I wouldn't feel massively obliged to go, but I would if I thought it might be fun and it wasn't massively inconvenient. The invitation thing is something of a faux pas and a bit rubbish, but I wouldn't expect to be the top of someone's list as the friend of the bride's mum. If it was a close friend I'd be upset about it.

mammmamia · 07/09/2018 12:17

Really tacky to send the day invite. What is it about weddings that makes people lose any element of class?
I would go if you think you’d enjoy it OP. If it’s going to be a chore and you won’t know anyone else there then don’t just go to be polite.

thecatsthecats · 07/09/2018 12:20

My fiance still hasn't got around to inviting the best man to our wedding. And he hasn't done one of his evening invites either. I accidentally sent my aunt an evening RSVP card for a whole day invite.

(I'm not doing it. His list, his problem!)

Don't rule out incompetence and stress!

I do agree that dissecting motives behind invite choices etc is unnecessary. When I get invites it's either, "oh, nice, we're invited to the whole day", or "ooh, not sure if I can get that Friday off" or "ah, that evening one's a bit far". Not usually any need to take it further or take it personally.

Some guests really do think it's all about them (not you OP, but this is as good a place as any to vent). My aunt has sent two emails, a letter, and given me a long phone call demanding details and assistance about her plans for coming to our wedding with my other aunt. To put that in context, our wedding caterer DIED, and the whole thing was sorted out in two short phone calls.

BackforGood · 07/09/2018 12:20

As Hopefully, Lonny, RedDress and others have said, it isn't an 'afterthought' , but likely to be a 'Look Mum, yes, we'd like to invite Aunty Figbiscuit but need to see what room we'll have', which isn't in any way insulting or rude.
Bit odd to not just buy or print out a handful of specific evening invites though, or even just a blank notelet or even an e-mail with the details.

However, frankly even if you are invited at the last minute, I don't see that as insulting. Normal people understand there are limits on numbers, and usually a list of people you'd like to invite that exceeds it. Now they are able, they are inviting you. If you want to go, go. If you don't, then don't, but there is no issue with them inviting you.
Whether you aret oo tight to give a gift to people who invite you to a party or not is up to you. I was brought up that the ettiquette of being invited anywhere is for the invitee to turn up with some form of gift. If you can't afford it, then just take a card. That will be fine.

Mookatron · 07/09/2018 12:20

Quite rude. I wouldn't go unless I was really keen, which you're clearly not.

Earslaps · 07/09/2018 12:21

It's a bit weird receiving the wrong invitation, but they aren't necessarily inviting you for the money!

We had a fairly small wedding (about 60 people I think), but we invited a few people for the evening do- a few local friends we hadn't seen for a while (we live away from where we got married) but weren't especially close to. We also invited some friends of our siblings and parents to the evening do as we thought it might be nice for our siblings and parents to have friends there too. We had a free bar for the evening and bacon sandwiches so people would be well catered for, and we certainly didn't expect gifts from evening guests. A lot of the evening guests did give us small gifts, as I have when we've been to weddings just for the evening.

One couple we invited that were friends with my parents and only came for the evening gave us £100! We felt a bit embarrassed by their generosity and I hope they don't think we invited them for gifts!

TwoBlueShoes · 07/09/2018 12:25

Yes, you sound like B list.

If you feel like going, I'd go, but not put myself out.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/09/2018 12:30

I don't think it's an after thought as such. But I do imagine that when writing a guest list for a limited number of spaces, you write it in priority order. Then if someone declines, the next one on the list is invited. So just a practical way of doing it.
Don't go if you don't want to.

madeoficecream · 07/09/2018 12:33

sounds more like the day invites were formal and sent out early whereas the evening invites probably were sent out later.... and they ran out of evening ones.
Theyd have probably sent the day invites out earlier because they would need a number to tell the catering etc by a specific date.

Its v stressful planning a wedding! We had loads of invitation and guest number issues! I forgot to send invites to a whole group of people.... I can easily see how someone could mix up invites or send one out too late without it meaning they have a 'b' list