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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have the impression that I've only been invited to this Wedding reception as an afterthought just to 'make the numbers up'?

87 replies

Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 11:35

My friends dd contacted me the other day and asked for my address as she wanted to send me an invite to her Wedding.
I thanked her, gave her my address and she then text back to say that the invite is only for the evening reception, but because there's apparently been a 'cock up' with the invites she warned I might accidentally receive an invitation to the whole day.
I was confused by this as my invite obviously hadn't been sent yet, so how could I be sent the wrong one?Confused
Anyway, the invitation came and sure enough it is for the whole day and night. Complete with a separate lovely card asking for money talking about how they don't really need presents etc but would love to save for that special something.

I didn't at first think much of it, until I noticed that the invitation should've been replied to over four weeks ago!

I'm now left wondering if my friends dd has already used up the evening invites, realised some people have probably declined their invite, and so she's now decided to invite me (and probably others) in order to make the numbers up?

This could be why I've received an out of date and incorrect invitation, that's all she might have had left!

AIBU to not now want to go? . For what its worth, the reception is also fifty miles away and I would have to drive so I can't even have a drink so I'm really not sure whether to bother going when I feel like I'm an afterthought .

OP posts:
notacooldad · 07/09/2018 12:37

I know in the past we have gone to friends children's weddings and we are at the bottom of the pile when it comes to invites and so it should be. It should be close family first and then close friends then extended family then other friends. If there are any places left then it's nice rhat some parents friend"s can come.
You would be buying a gift anyway so at not give what you would have spent on tea towels or whatever.
I'm not getting the angst over this.
If you dont want to go decline.

heattreated · 07/09/2018 12:42

in this instances, yes, it does sound like you have been invited at the last minute to help celebrate with a bigger number.

i had a save the day card sent to me and stupidly assumed that i would be invited for the entire day and was pretty gutted to only receive an evening only invite, it totally gave the wrong impression.

in your situation, i'd send a card with a cheque for £15-20 in it and save myself the price of diesel and the faff of sitting around at a party sober where i knew few people.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2018 12:45

in your situation, i'd send a card with a cheque for £15-20

I'd just send a card wishing them a lovely dy.

Don't go if you don't feel like it. As a PP remarked earlier - it's not a court summons.

BrokenWing · 07/09/2018 12:48

In this scenario I would think positively, and accept as I barely knew the dd that I wasn't on their initial limited number lists and as space had become available they were giving those they would have invited if numbers were unlimited the opportunity to attend.

I would either accept or decline depending on whether I was free, wanted to see my friend or others I knew were going, any gift would be a token gesture.

There is no need to be nasty and assume they are just making up numbers because they are money grabbing. Do you not like your friend or her family?

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 12:52

It seems much more likely that your friend asked for you to be invited but the bride and groom were unsure of numbers, so decided to wait for RSVPs than that they want to “bump up numbers” or their gift fund.

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 12:54

A pp said the evening invites might not have been sent out yet. But if that's the case, then I'd imagine friends dd would've waited to send mine if I was to be on the initial evening list.
I totally understand friends dd will have many people to invite and I'm low on the priority list. That's fine, and I know I'm not obliged to accept my invitation.
I think what it really boils down to is tbh, if I do go it will be quite an inconvenience (especially the distance) and I wouldn't think twice about declining when I feel last on the priority list (I've already said I understand why though).

The main thing is, I don't want to 'let my friend down' by not going. How could I tell her that I don't really want to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 12:59

I would think positively and accept as I barely knew the dd
I've known her her whole life.

OP posts:
Wispaismyfave · 07/09/2018 13:05

My mother in law invited people to our wedding I hadn't even met before. She gave me a list of people she wanted to invite, mostly randoms to me. I was hand making my invites so I basically did the invites for everyone I wanted there, I did the people I didn't know last. My mil got arsey with me over it and I eventually made the invites to give out. Pretty sure some of the dates for rsvp had gone as we printed them all at the same time.

The bride is probably not that fussed about you being there, she's not inviting you it's her mother/mil.

I got pissed off I was meeting people on my wedding day for the first time, I really wasn't looking to make new friends on my wedding day!! Even more random when we eventually opened cards there were cards from people we hadn't even heard of, not even on the list I was sent! We are still clueless to this day, 6 names on a card plus money, so it wasn't the venue!

ProcrastinatingPingu · 07/09/2018 13:06

Just say you’re busy and can’t go to your friend.
My mum asked for her friends to come to my wedding and I said yes if people dropped out, but nobody did (until the day at least Angry ) do they didn’t get an invite.
It was a big journey for them so I wouldn’t have asked to come to the evening only anyway as it’s a bit far for them.

Orchiddingme · 07/09/2018 13:09

I have lots of family friends of my parents, or friends parents, who I've loved knowing me and being in my life over the years but I wouldn't have invited to my rather small wedding.

It's nice that you have been invited, and it's nice if you have known her a long time to go along as part of the crowd to celebrate this event.

If it's not nice for you, don't go. You clearly were never going to be invited to the day unless it was for 100's of people, so there is nothing insulting or grabby about their invite- it's a kind gesture but if you don't feel it as that, don't go.

Rafflesway · 07/09/2018 13:12

I too would decline but send a nice card with a cheque wishing them a wonderful day.

We accepted an evening invite - no issue with that at all - but we didn't know the B & G terribly well - relatively new neighbours from down the lane - and the venue was 60 miles away. When we arrived we didn't know anyone else - we honestly thought other neighbours may have been there - and everyone was already in small uninviting groups. As we too were driving we couldn't have a drink. Sad

Have to say it was one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life. We left after 2 hours! If another similar invitation arrived in the future we would definitely send a very nice card with an appropriate cheque but politely decline.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 07/09/2018 13:12

I think it's fair enough you weren't an A list guest, fine to invite at short notice, fine to invite to evening only. She'd have been better to invite you by email, perhaps. Anyway, go if you want to, don't if you don't want to, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it

Itsnotabingthingisit · 07/09/2018 13:14

50 miles away and you would have to drive?

Nah, that's a decline for me.

Does sound like you are on the reserve list anyway. I wouldn't imagine they will be too bothered about you not being there.

Shampaincharly · 07/09/2018 13:16

Is the invitation for the evening (as she wrote in her text ) but she has used left over day invitations to save money ?
I would not want to travel 50 miles there for an evening .

Rafflesway · 07/09/2018 13:18

Oops, x posted a bit there!

May be ok if there will be several people you know who you can mix with but there is no denying 50 miles away is not ideal when it's too expensive to take taxis and you are left sipping diet coke all night.

I would still decline in your shoes but I enjoy my weekend wine too much.Grin

EdisonLightBulb · 07/09/2018 13:19

I would decline and thank them for the invite but say it's too far for you for the evening and you hope they have a lovely day.

Definitely a reserve otherwise you would have been invited on the correct card weeks ago.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 07/09/2018 13:26

52FestiveRoad is spot on! Wink

Ellisandra · 07/09/2018 13:28

This wouldn’t bother me at all.
Maybe some people declined, maybe the bride has finally caved in to shut her mother up pestering to have her own friends there Grin
Maybe you were always on the B list - not an after thought, but with limited funds not a priority. It’s your friend’s daughter - why would you be a priority?

As for the gift request card... well, people have different views on asking for money. But that aside - it’s perfectly normal to send gift info to all guests. I very much doubt that the couple rubbed their hands together gleefully and added your contribution to their mental expected total! It will just have been a default to include it.

I had “no gifts please” in my invitations, and STILL fielded questions from about 20% of guests about what they could get me anyway! So you could say if they hadn’t included that info, it would have been rude of them to have left you feeling unsure, or that you had to ask.

TBH, I think the most unreasonable thing here is you factoring alcohol into your decision whether to attend!

Bride: AIBU to be upset that people I’ve invited only want to come if they can drink? AIBU to assume they don’t really care about me if they’ve declined because they can’t drink?

I see that sort of comment over and over again. I think it’s really sad that people will reconsider attending events if they can’t use alcohol.

Honeyroar · 07/09/2018 13:28

You probably weren't high on her list and she couldn't initially invite you. But she knows her mum would like you there and probably decided to invite you after someone else declined. While she spectacularly messed up with the invitation (she'd have been better being honest) why get all sniffy about it. Decide whether you do or don't want to go and see your good friend's daughter (and your friend) on a special day, or whether you're not really bothered..

nomorepeoplepleasing · 07/09/2018 13:31

I can't say I understand the whole 'wring invitation' thing and you are clearly not the bride's first priority as a guest so I would not feel bad about declining.

However, when we were arranging our wedding we had limited numbers for day and evening (due to size of the venue and budget). My parents really wanted us to invite all our extended family and family friends, which would have left no space for any of DH's family or our own friends. Even a parred down list of family left little room for any friends. After quite a lot of arguments we agreed that if any of DH's family or our own close friends declined their invitation we would invite mum's friends in their place. It was not that we didn't want them there in the first place- like you they had known me all my life and we'd always got on well- it was just that we wanted our own friends to be there more.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 13:33

The main thing is, I don't want to 'let my friend down' by not going. How could I tell her that I don't really want to go?

She let you down by sending you an afterthought invitation and a separate tacky request for money. Why feel bad about not going or lining her pockets? Some pal! Just decline with the card. And no, I would not give her money. Not a chance after this. Send a card.

OutPinked · 07/09/2018 13:36

The cynic in me thinks it's to make the contributions 'for that special something' up!

^ this with bells on.

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 13:37

LeftRightCentre

My friend is the bride's mum. She hasn't let me down.

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 07/09/2018 13:42

It could also be a genuine invite because I know during my wedding I had forgot to invite quite a few people my mum wanted. I was really busy and it had slipped my mind. Don't forget wedding planning can be quite stressful and in my case not many people rsvpd but still turned up on the day.

So it could be an after thought or a genuine invite.

peopleispeople · 07/09/2018 13:44

Maybe the printer made more day invites than evening invites by mistake.

Standard practice to send day invites weeks in advance for catering purposes. Evening invites a few weeks before the wedding.

Agree with other posters though... go or don't go, but why try to dissect it into more than a lovely invite to a lovely day.