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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have the impression that I've only been invited to this Wedding reception as an afterthought just to 'make the numbers up'?

87 replies

Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 11:35

My friends dd contacted me the other day and asked for my address as she wanted to send me an invite to her Wedding.
I thanked her, gave her my address and she then text back to say that the invite is only for the evening reception, but because there's apparently been a 'cock up' with the invites she warned I might accidentally receive an invitation to the whole day.
I was confused by this as my invite obviously hadn't been sent yet, so how could I be sent the wrong one?Confused
Anyway, the invitation came and sure enough it is for the whole day and night. Complete with a separate lovely card asking for money talking about how they don't really need presents etc but would love to save for that special something.

I didn't at first think much of it, until I noticed that the invitation should've been replied to over four weeks ago!

I'm now left wondering if my friends dd has already used up the evening invites, realised some people have probably declined their invite, and so she's now decided to invite me (and probably others) in order to make the numbers up?

This could be why I've received an out of date and incorrect invitation, that's all she might have had left!

AIBU to not now want to go? . For what its worth, the reception is also fifty miles away and I would have to drive so I can't even have a drink so I'm really not sure whether to bother going when I feel like I'm an afterthought .

OP posts:
AvoidingDM · 07/09/2018 13:49

*Shampaincharly

Is the invitation for the evening (as she wrote in her text ) but she has used left over day invitations to save money ?*

Thats exactly what i was thinking. Or the mixup with the invites has been the stationary company did more day and less evening invites than they should have.

CrazyDaisy2018 · 07/09/2018 13:51

I had one of these invites where it was clear we were invited to take empty pre-paid for places. It was for the whole day though, and they are a lovely couple (we're more "friends of friends" IYSWIM).

It was obvious we were making up the numbers but we went anyway because we knew we'd be sat with our other friends and would have a great time. We made sure that our gift (money, of course!) was equivalent to at least what the meal would have cost, and saw it as a good day out.

OPs case is a tad different though - having to go out of your way for an evening only do, let alone being an afterthought on the invite list... nah - I wouldn't be going to that unless I'd be otherwise missing out on a cracking night out with my mates. As for a gift - well, I don't think I'd be particularly generous!

Maiyakat · 07/09/2018 14:00

I went to a wedding where this happened, but they didn't realise they had sent out the wrong invites to the second round of evening guests. The best man had to do some awkward explaining to people as to why they weren't on the seating plan....

Echobelly · 07/09/2018 14:01

I wouldn't necessarily take offence - she (or her mum) may have wanted to invite you and some other people ideally, but the space wouldn't allow for the day and the budget wouldn't stretch to it for the evening and now she has some space, she's pleased to be able to fit you in. I'd look at it that way rather than 'She's just using me to fill space'. It's generally not worth looking at things negatively.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 14:02

For a close friend, I would attend, to celebrate with her. Would seek cheap accommodation or to stay with a local friend, or drive.

Or come up with a convincing lie!

Echobelly · 07/09/2018 14:02

But you're also in your rights not to go, given the distance and just to say it's too far just for the evening.

Sparklesocks · 07/09/2018 15:05

A similar thing happened to me a few years ago, a friend from uni I hadn’t really kept in touch with invited me (not my DP) to her evening reception. I was flattered, but it was on a Friday so I’d need to take a day off work, and in a city about 200 miles away. It was just too far for an evening do, as well as travel and hotel expenses, and all without my DP – so I declined.

About a week before the wedding she texted me to say she really wanted me, and DP, to come! (weird as he wasn’t even invited to the evening??) and could we maybe reconsider and come to the whole thing as all day guests. Even if I was keen I couldn’t get the day off with a week’s notice, and hadn’t budgeted for a last minute hotel and train tickets/gift etc. I later found out another couple had dropped out and she was trying to fill their spaces. Which is fine, but don’t pretend we are suddenly your best pals!

actualpuffins · 07/09/2018 15:10

The best man had to do some awkward explaining to people as to why they weren't on the seating plan....

So they actually came to the wedding breakfast? What happened?

thecatsthecats · 07/09/2018 15:12

Just to add - guests, their needs, their unreasonable wants ("I'm not sure I like any of the three menu choices" - fuck off!), who your parents want to invite, who fail to RSVP etc = THE most difficult part of organising a wedding.

Very, very few people invite more guests to make the numbers up!

twiglet · 07/09/2018 15:20

It sounds like your friend is asking her DD to invite you I doubt you are there to make numbers up but probably her mum kicked up a fuss that you weren't invited rather than to contribute a gift etc.
If you don't want to go then don't simple as that. Not sure why it offends you, I could understand if you were close friends but it's the brides mum who is your friend not really the bride!
My MIL invited her friends to our wedding the church, drinks and then the evening without telling us. She wanted to show off tbh we were less than chuffed about it all.
Sometimes with weddings people give in to keep the peace sounds like that situation to me.... Bride mum kicks off so bride sends an invitation!

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 07/09/2018 15:22

I suspect perhaps she ran out of evening invites. Or is it a church wedding? If so her mum may have said you would like to see that even if not invited until the evening so she sent a day one.

Whichever reason, you are an evening guest and you aren't keen. Just tell your friend you have plans or fake norovirus on the day

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 15:33

My friend is the bride's mum. She hasn't let me down.

Then accept and go and hand over money. Or don't. You don't have to explain, just decline and say you already had plans, don't see what the big deal is. Why overthink it? It's an invitation, not a summons.

SilverySurfer · 07/09/2018 15:46

Well it's obvious, how else are they going to get their mitts on your money for that 'special something'?

I wouldn't bother going personally and would just send a card.

Andylion · 07/09/2018 16:00

OP, have you actually spoken to your friend about it? Has she been talking about the wedding for months? If so, has she given any indication that she might want you there?

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 17:24

My friend has spoken to me about the Wedding, and I haven't asked or given the impression I'd expect to be invited to it, even the night do.

That's because I haven't expected an invite, and the only thing that concerns me is that I don't want to disappoint my friend (by not going) if she has gone to the trouble of persuading her dd to ask me to the reception.

As I've said previously, I don't mind declining her dd, because its a long way to go for something I feel I'm on a reserved list for anyway. It's how do I get out of it with my friend?

I can't say I'm washing my hair that night!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/09/2018 17:26

tbh, if I do go it will be quite an inconvenience (especially the distance) and I wouldn't think twice about declining when I feel last on the priority list

Well, there's your answer.
It really isn't a difficult concept.
You've been invited somewhere you don't want to go. Clue is the word 'invited'. You just decline. You don't have to give a reason when you reply, you just say thanks for the invitation but you can't make it. End of.
If the bride's mother (your friend) later asks you in conversation why not, then, depending on your relationship with her and how you feel about honesty / white lies you either say you had something else on, or you just say you didn't feel you'd be up to driving in the dark or whatever, or 'parties aren't really your kind of thing' and leave it at that.

Personally if I had an invitation to the party after the wedding of one of my friend's dc, that I'd watched grow up, I'd be delighted, and love to go, but I like parties, and I like to see people I like being happy as they go through life's milestones. If you see that as some kind of a chore, then don't go.

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 17:42

Backforgood
I don't see it as a chore, and I'd definitely be going if it was more local or if I wasn't on the 'C' for reserved list.
A reserved list just for the reception I hasten to add.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 07/09/2018 17:49

You're obviously offended by this "c list" invitation, so just say it's a bit too far away for you, or invent a pre planned obligation (going for dinner at/with someone?).

My good friend's child got married last month and I wasn't invited. I'd have gone at the last minute if they'd had a cancellation. Ive watched that child grow up.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 17:50

Are the distance / not actually wanting to go the primary factors here, and you’re speculating about being on the B list to justify your (understandable) decision not to attend?

BackforGood · 07/09/2018 18:03

You say you don't see it as a chore, and yet you say tbh, if I do go it will be quite an inconvenience (especially the distance) and I wouldn't think twice about declining. I'm not seeing the difference.

It would appear as if the thing that is making you want to decline, is actually the fact that you think you might not have been on the 'top priority list' when the bride and groom wrote their initial list. Get over yourself. It isn't about you. It is normal for a couple getting married (or, tbh, for anyone hosting any party) to have to restrict numbers. Obviously they will have their own close friends and both their families, before being able to invite their parents' friends. That really is very, very normal. However, they would like you to come, and have now been able to invite you. Why does it make a difference to whether you would like to go, just because you think (and this isn't certain) space is only available due to another couple not being able to come ? Confused
I went to a wedding once (the meal after the ceremony) after getting a phone call the night before. Someone hadn't been able to come at the last minute and the family said, rather than the meal going to waste, would I like to come. I accepted and had a lovely time. There was no big arrow following me round all night to point out to other people that we were last minute reserves. No-one else knew. It was just a sensible decision by the family to save a meal going to waste. I was friendly with the bride and had known her since she was a child, but not close enough to have been expecting an invitation in the first place. It makes no sense to me to decline an invitation because it might have come about because someone else wasn't able to go.

brassbrass · 07/09/2018 18:11

the invite is only for the evening reception, but because there's apparently been a 'cock up' with the invites she warned I might accidentally receive an invitation to the whole day.

I read this as she's demoted you from whole do to just the evening event and trying to disguise it by calling it a cock up.

Haven't read the thread so apologies if this has been covered.

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 18:19

Get over yourself. It isn't about you
Well that told me! Hmm

I don't think I've made it appear 'it was about me' because I know its not. I've already said that I understand I won't be on the 'top priority' list.
However, because I'm feeling that it seems the b and g aren't fussed if I'm there or not (and that's fine if that's the case) , then factor in the distance and not being able to let my hair down with a drink its bound to make some people, like myself, feel like its maybe not a necessity that I go.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/09/2018 18:27

Which takes you back to the original suggestion that you just decline.

Original poster
Figbiscuitsandtea · 07/09/2018 18:36

That's the thing. I don't mind declining. I just feel awkward getting out of it with my friend.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 18:41

I just feel awkward getting out of it with my friend.

Why on Earth do you see declining an invitation as awkward? How bizarre. 'Sorry, can't make it to the wedding. Thanks for inviting me, though.' Job done.