To not be happy for her achievements ?

[ILoveHumanity]

Let me say that I feel like a bad person but I feel a bit justified.

My sil is a lot younger than me. I used to love her as my own little sister. I was genuine. I mean it. I put her first because she was younger. It made me cry to see her cry. I went out of my way to make sure she does well in life. She was 17. I genuinely saw myself in her and mentored her.

A few years later, she used her relationship with me to backstab me. I won’t say the details as it’s outing. But she started turning v competitive, everything I buy she buys and puts me down. She created rumours around me. I lost many ppl over that.

I informed her one day that I found out about her backstabbing.. she went on to tell me how I deserve it and how I’m an inconvenience in her life. I’m still really hurt. She gave me hell when I had my baby and was pregnant. Almost as if her life mission was to obliterate me so she can outcompete. I was never into competing l.

Anyway, I limited contact. I lost respect from my PIL duecto stories she exaggerated and made up. DH knows this, but he says it is who she is. She is 21 and I’m aware that’s young.. she has potential to change.

But she made lots of remarks that made me believe she looks down upon me. It was DH that told me she looks down upon me. I felt it.

She made comments on social media about “ some people have no interesting life”. It hurts. Because when I got pregnant I put my career on hold and she seems thrilled to use it against me. It was directed at me as it was during a dispute we had.

Anyway, I feel so rejected by my in laws. I’m unaware of their reasons aside from made up shit about how I manipulated my husband bla bla made up by the girl.

Now, I hear she taking the same career path as me. She has signed up to the same extra curricular things. It’s not coincidental it’s almosr like she is copying me. Is she inspired by me ?? Is she still competing ?

I don’t feel happy for her because I feel she is going to use her achievements to fuel her big head and look down at me.

She makes points about how I come from cheap background. How I have nothing interesting in my life. How my skin colour is dull.. how She knows facts about parenting that I’m doing wrong. How I’m filthy :(. How I have no taste.

I feel she is doing it for the spotlight. Because she managed to turn my in laws against me. Only because I “changed with her and no longer want to be close”.

She called up DH proud of herself about her achievements in an extracurricular thing. He told me about it and was happy for her. I told him I don’t wanna hear her updates as I don’t think she cares about me and neither do I about her.

He was hurt.

I guess that’s where my AIBU comes in. I just blocked her out until she nature’s because DH didn’t handle her and becausecsge was so fake

She is a self obsessed 21year old maybe you need to back away from her delete or hide her on social media don't get stuck in her drama your life is worlds away from hers you are not her mate just tell her to stop being nasty and back away from her.

I think you both sound very unhappy, in ways that don’t even relate to this situation, because happy people don’t get caught up in bollocks like this.

BUT she is still young and when you’re 21 you’re often a bit of a wanker. It wasn’t until late 20s really that I realised how unkind it was to get sneery over people being dull or whatever.

But also, she hasn’t achieved anything yet has she? And what is there to achieve, getting a job? That’s no big deal. Why would she rub your nose in it? What’s there to rub in?

You need to work on detaching yourself because you can only control your reactions, not her behaviour and the fact you’re worrying about something abstract that hasn’t happened tells me you’re quite obsessive about this. That’s probbaly a reflection of your own unhappiness and I would concentrate on this first if I were you.

Glint .. yes I’m a bit unhappy because I have an extremely difficult in law situation. I’m a bit obsessive because my in law situation was caused by her.

I had a open discussion with her how I need to back away because she is hurting my feelings with her behaviour.. and that very discussion was a cause of a big big thing where she exaggerated to my pil and started throwing tantrums and got them to all block me and reject my son. Till this day my baby has grandparents that don’t wanna see him (until I appologise to their daughter) and who actively blackmail my husband ( who should make his Waite appologise to their daughter).

She went on to make up exaggerated crap to my friends and I lost a lot of respect.

She is young, but her background means that she is well influential.. she is taken too seriously, as her mum who is successful, is very good at building social images.

Anyway.. I didn’t say she got a job.. she basically is choosing same education background. Same extra curricular activities.

It’s not personal. I should be happy for her. I’m an over achiever myself. But I do feel like she has constantly put down my achievements and said things about how my career is boring and how this and that.. now she goes on to do the same thing makes me feel like she is a bit obsessed.

I’m sorry that your DH isn’t looking out for you.

If one of my sibling treated by DH that way, regardless of their age I’d tell them to stop it, set the record straight with my parents. If they didn’t then I certainly wouldn’t be having phone calls with them and congratulating them for things.

He’s meant to be in your corner. It sounds like he just wants you to roll over and accept being treated like shit. That’s not ok.

Just saw your other post. She ruined your son’s relationship with their grandparents? Why the hell is your husband even still speaking to her?!

You need to grow up and be the better person. Who cares what she thinks of you? You sound obsessed to be honest.

I can understand why you’re hurt, but I think giving by giving her so much space in your head you’re not doing yourself any good. Stop obsessing about her and get on with your own life; be happy for yourself. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

I think there are a few things here. Extra curricular to me means after school, and she’s far too old for that although may well be at say, university. Far enough. But who gives a shit that she’s playing hockey, or netball or whatever? It’s really child’s stuff. I’m assuming you’re a fair bit older then her and do these activities for fun now anyway?

The situation with your husband is awful. It seems very bizarre that a young woman has engineered this, and really just comes down to your in laws playing favourite child.

It’s enourmously stressful but until you detach from the emotional side you won’t be able to see a solution. I would take the time and space to do this. I’ve done it, it takes years.

The other thing to consider (although not necessarily do) is leave your husband. The stress and emotional impact is damaging, aging, and parts of your mental health may never recover. Are they even worth it?

As kindly as possible, OP, it's your sister in law (ie, not a close relative) and it sounds as though you never had much in common (big age gap): put some distance between the two of you!

I find it incredibly odd that you put her first, mentored her, loved her like your own sister...it sounds overbearing and most people I know don't have this sort of relationship with their ILs. Maybe that's just because I come from a small family, but it all sound a bit too much. Light and breezy is the way to go: she's not your friend, you can put a stop to the drama. As a PP suggested, hiding her on social media would be a great first step.

Yes, it sounds to me like, hard as it might seem, you need to ignore her and don't let your happiness be dictated by her childish and unpleasant behaviour. I'm sorry it appears she has managed to cause damage, but it sounds like she's only going to relish the attention she might get from slagging you off and trying to outdo you.

I'd kind of 'stonewall' her if she gets braggy with you or criticises you 'Oh, that's nice' 'Yes, I know you think that' etc

I would suggest she sees your life as one to envy. And your dc has taken her place as the spoilt baby away.
Leave ils to it, tell dh he needs to have your back and enjoy not having to share your precious dc with a bunch of twats.
Dc really don't need gps.
Block her and ignore, tell dh you don't want to hear about any of them.

She's your SIL, you don't have to have a close relationship with her.

Your DH however should prioritise his DS over his sister and PIL. if they don't want a relationship with your DS then he should walk away too.

I'd be more disappointed in his reaction.

Leave ils to it, tell dh he needs to have your back and enjoy not having to share your precious dc with a bunch of twats.
Dc really don't need gps.
Block her and ignore, tell dh you don't want to hear about any of them.

This is good advice.

And MadeFor’s aswell.

Lots of young SILs are competitive. In their eyes, you've stolen their DB away from them.
But you're giving her way too much thought and way too much importance in your life. Block her on social media. Feign polite disinterest when DH mentions her ie nod, non-committal noise, walk away.
As for your PIL, your DH needs to step up and decide whether he is going to placate his parents or defend his wife. He's currently condoning their bad behaviour.

She sounds like a right piece of work!!

Tbh you are over thinking this, who the hell cares what she does and who she talks to, if your 'friends' change their perception of you because of what she says then it's no loss they were rubbish anyway, I know it's hard but she has caused havoc between you and your in-laws, personally I would have told her about herself a long time ago and stopped unnecessary contact, she is not the be all and end all and the rest of the family can do one too if they don't appreciate time and contact with your DS.

Your DH is obviously used to treating her like the golden child he needs to get his priorities straight! he's your DH and should be supporting YOU not allowing her manipulative behaviour to affect his family.

Put them all on ignore

Perhaps you over stepped the mark with smothering your SIL.

It's now time to grow up and stop this childish 'blocking' What kind of PIL blocks at their age?

Leave them alone, get on with your life, don't tell them what you are doing and stop looking for acceptance into your DH family.

OP, I had a similar situation years ago with my DH's brother's GF. She was just 18 (I was 22) and had failed her A-levels when we met and was desperately looking for work without success. I'd recently been promoted at the company I worked at, leaving an entry-level position open - I volunteered to tailor her CV, coach her for the interview and put in a good word for her. She got the job! After that she started (slowly, over time) dripping poison into my colleague's ears, making up lies to them about me, not passing on work messages etc. Eventually I found out that she'd told my BIL (though I wasn't married at the time) stories about me being disciplined at work for bullying her, that I'd aborted his brother's baby - all kinds of insane crap. He believed her and staged some kind of intervention with my DH, who had to ask me if any of this was true - a horrible experience for both of us.

I had to continue working with her as she was still v popular at work and she also followed my career path exactly, including buying all her clothes from the shops I shopped at, starting a degree course in the same study area I worked in, taking up the same hobbies... It was one of the most stressful times of my life.

Eventually she broke up with my BIL (thankfully!) and things started to become more 'normal'. I can only advise that you nod and smile in a noncommittal way every time her name comes up. Don't engage - EVER and eventually she'll embrace a life that isn't centred around yours.

She went on to make up exaggerated crap to my friends and I lost a lot of respect

You sound obsessed by your SIL personally, and overly concerned about appearances, what others think etc. If they true friends they wouldnt believe her. If your PILs dont want to see your children, its their loss. You should be focusing on why your DH is still in contact with them personally.

To be honest intelligent people are too busy to get embroiled in manufactured drama like this. You both need to occupy yourselves better.

Has someone already said you have a DH problem more than a SIL or PIL problem? He needs to have your back and defend you to them. You need to respond to what your SIL is doing with "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; I'm flattered that she is copying my career path / extracurricular activities."

QuizzlyBear my situation sounds extremely similar to yours.

I can’t go into details but what she spreads about me is directly impacting my achievements in life. And I don’t want to leave my husband ( was about to but decided against it as he is a good man and needs time). But yes he does see her as a golden child and is on the fence because he doesn’t want to lose her. Which also means that the manipulation she is doing had a severe impact on my relationship with DH. There were moments were he turned against me because she was confiding in him and in his parents about things about me which I completely don’t understand .. she interprets things in her mind way too much.

I do sound a bit obsessive.. I have deleted her Facebook ages ago. walked away ages ago.. but that’s why I’m paranoid about the fact she is still creeping into my space.

I wasn’t overbearing. I looked out for her because it was expected of me and she asked that of me. Initially I felt overwhelmed by having to look after her as a teenager. Mil told me to be her older sister and look out for her because she needs someone on her level.. she sought my help and emotional support because her mum wasn’t getting through to her.

I supported her in many ways because she was ruining her life and I wanted her to feel like she has someone that cared. She used to cry that no one cared for her and my DH was a bit of an annoying brother to her so I decided to be her listening ear.

It was a very passive process.. I preferred to have my own life but she really asked me for help because “you are amazing and I look up to you”. But then things turned quickly toxic after she got what she wanted. At least that’s how I feel

I accept I have a DH issue. It’s improved massively. Caused me a lot of heart ache.

It just hurts and don’t want to be told to LTB.

My DH is too passive. And expected that of me for years. But he is slowly realising he was being manipulated but he isn’t at the level of realising what I went through yet.

But this threat is because I’m aware my feelings are a bit immature .. I’m not like this I’m always happy for people. I want to try to understand why I feel thus way because I have problems understanding my feelings.

I don’t like to become that bitter type of person. I don’t normally begrudge.

I’m 7 years older so yes I should be the bigger person... I guess because I’m not totally confident in my relationship and marriage and still really affected by pil behaviour.. that’s why I’m a bit obsessive over her behaviour as it’s the straw that’s breaking the camels back.

:(. What I really hate about this situation is how it changed me to become so petty.

I don’t care about appearances .. the friends that she has told rumours to arent Really just friends, you could say I had business deals with and it affected things massively for my prospects. Don’t wanna go through details and I appreciate the situation can’t be judged from limited info.

I guess I want to focus here’s on how can I change how I feel so that I’m not as obsessed and not petty or immature. But please don’t be harsh because that’s not how usually I am

SpringSnow

To be honest intelligent people are too busy to get embroiled in manufactured drama like this.

TBH it's difficult when someone in the family circle enjoys drama, as they drag everyone else into it. They thrive on the drama, it doesn't affect them at all, but is soul-destroying for those on the receiving end. I've mentioned in other threads like this that I moved country to try to put distance between myself and a drama llama - and even that she managed to turn to her advantage. Give up on the PiL. If they don't know what she's like by now they'll keep swallowing her stories, and you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of grief. Block the lot of them.