To not be happy for her achievements ?

[ILoveHumanity]

Let me say that I feel like a bad person but I feel a bit justified.

My sil is a lot younger than me. I used to love her as my own little sister. I was genuine. I mean it. I put her first because she was younger. It made me cry to see her cry. I went out of my way to make sure she does well in life. She was 17. I genuinely saw myself in her and mentored her.

A few years later, she used her relationship with me to backstab me. I won’t say the details as it’s outing. But she started turning v competitive, everything I buy she buys and puts me down. She created rumours around me. I lost many ppl over that.

I informed her one day that I found out about her backstabbing.. she went on to tell me how I deserve it and how I’m an inconvenience in her life. I’m still really hurt. She gave me hell when I had my baby and was pregnant. Almost as if her life mission was to obliterate me so she can outcompete. I was never into competing l.

Anyway, I limited contact. I lost respect from my PIL duecto stories she exaggerated and made up. DH knows this, but he says it is who she is. She is 21 and I’m aware that’s young.. she has potential to change.

But she made lots of remarks that made me believe she looks down upon me. It was DH that told me she looks down upon me. I felt it.

She made comments on social media about “ some people have no interesting life”. It hurts. Because when I got pregnant I put my career on hold and she seems thrilled to use it against me. It was directed at me as it was during a dispute we had.

Anyway, I feel so rejected by my in laws. I’m unaware of their reasons aside from made up shit about how I manipulated my husband bla bla made up by the girl.

Now, I hear she taking the same career path as me. She has signed up to the same extra curricular things. It’s not coincidental it’s almosr like she is copying me. Is she inspired by me ?? Is she still competing ?

I don’t feel happy for her because I feel she is going to use her achievements to fuel her big head and look down at me.

She makes points about how I come from cheap background. How I have nothing interesting in my life. How my skin colour is dull.. how She knows facts about parenting that I’m doing wrong. How I’m filthy :(. How I have no taste.

I feel she is doing it for the spotlight. Because she managed to turn my in laws against me. Only because I “changed with her and no longer want to be close”.

I have a sil like this. It’s hard. They are nasty and hurt you. But the trick is never react to them. Don’t be in their company. Block them on social media. When you lose people over what they have made up about you realise it’s only your child n husband that matters. And they love you.
I hear what she says about me through other people but she’s mad to get a reaction out of me and I simply rise above it. You can never win with them it’s actually comical.
When you go to a family event they dirty look you and ignore you but yet if you don’t go to the next event to protect yourself from
Getting hurt it’s like oh she didn’t even come and she isn’t coming to this other event either giving out about me so it’s either go feel so awkward or not go and get bitched about.
I genuinely feel sorry for them it’s because they are frustrated with their lives and it’s simply a case of the green eyed monster.
My advice is ignore ignore ignore

if your husband won't stand up to you and your ils are listening to playground bitching, which is what it was when she was 17, then none of them are worth it.
You can change how you feel by telling your husband to grow a backbone and be on your side.

My sil is shit with me too; only daughter/sister, dh used to take her part as she was always golden girl (though she always thought he was golden boy, so the pair have competed all their lives). Anyway, I don't see her at all now but she made the decision not to see me (in a way which garnered all sympathy for her, and made some people question themselves about me). I don't care as I never have to see her, and she thinks that's her decision, win-win from my pov!

However, a year or so later, dh realised that she was just doing what she always does, and has distanced himself from her too. It just took a little time.

To be honest this is one of the occasions where the other sides version would be helpful to hear.

It sounds like, when you discovered your DH had a teenage sister you went all out on a charm offensive to make her love you and make a pet of her.

"Mentoring" sounds a hell of a lot like "telling her what to do" to me

It sounds like that when she kicked back and refused to play this role any longer, the relationship broke.

The way you write it sounds like the immature squabbling of Girls than the interactions of two adult women.

Your PILs must absolutely despair.

Pawnee.. interesting POV. But I’m Afraid it’s a bit far from my reality. That’s not what this is about

Your ILs wont see their own GC because of what SIL has told them? They're not worthy to be in your DC lives. But I know from experience it stings like hell. How your DH manages to have anyone who would treat his child like that is astonishing though. All this surrounding you, no wonder you aren't happy for her. I don't think I could be either. Its like reverse karma.

I was def caught in cross fire.. DH was put as a guardian for his sister as they lived with us to continue education. This is too outing.

I think sil found DH too micromanaging. DH was responsible for their finances and studies and was going above and beyond but I ageee he treated her as if she is younger than him. She was always consider him as a rival and almost confessed to me many times that she envies him for how his parents treat him as a responsible adult ( he is a lot older than her so didn’t understand her competition).

Anyway, I supported her in her plight for independance ..

I think her sibling rivalry expresses itself after a while in her taking it all out on me

There is a bit of a toxic golden child and a cape goat thing going on at my in laws.. so I guess she felt desperate need to shine else she would be mistreated.

I guess that’s what it was about. I feel sorry for her. And did for a long time. She used to come asking me for help . I was always giving her support she asked for. Nothing more I promise ...

But I resent that I became her scapegoat.. Her mum is the real issue I believe she has MH issues and I was able to distance myself from it..

Girl was in desperate need to patch things up wirhbher mum so after I supported her in making sure she doesn’t lose confidence Over the treatment she was receiving.. she decided to push me under to do it the way it’s done to her.

She succeeeded

She has been doing a lot of sabotage

If my pil refused to see my child and my sil said things about him, you wouldn't see me for dust. Quite frankly, your dh is disgusting for allowing that to stand. He is a big part of the problem and unless he is willing to do something then i would walk.

You do really need to have a very frank and open discussion with your DH. You cannot go on like this, he needs to support you. Is he aware of all the things his sister is saying about you? You need to share your upset with him so that he can see how much this is affecting you. If he still refuses to back you over his sister, then I am really sorry, but you have to rethink your relationship with him. Good luck OP

I want to b patient as I feel DH is improving.

Just hope I don’t lose my grace.

I get freaked out when I notice myself becoming bitter .

I guess the one thing that made me positive was being at peace with my conscience and when I feel negative towards someone that’s how I feel I’m losing the battle.

Especially that she is young and has potential to improve

I wouldn’t want to destroy my home and my sons relationship with his loving dad over the fact that DH doesn’t know he is being manipulated

I feel it’s worth a bit more patience as we have come a long way. He is good to me otherwise and very good in many ways.

You need to forget your SIL, you need to concentrate on you life with your DH; you say he is improving. He needs to step up NOW to defend his wife and children. You should both be nc with such a toxic individual as your SIL is. She is old enough to know exactly what she is doing, and you can't afford to wait for any possible potential for her to improve, she may never change,

Actually you don’t have to be the bigger person.

And it’s not unusual for a family member to be jealous of some one in their family.

Yeah she is only 21 but she is acting like an arse. And you don’t need to accept that - if you don’t want to.

Although I would say - stop expecting her to ‘improve’ whether she does or not is nothing to do with you unless she is actively upsetting you again. You shouldn’t have had to be her mentor - she has her parents for that

Disengage. Tell your husband she has hurt you, you don’t care about her personal development/growth and to not talk about her.

You don’t need validation of her OR your PILs just carry on with your own life.

And tbh I think if your dh does not want to support you on this he is just as bad

I’d just avoid and ignore her as much as possible. She’s just a silly little girl atm

Bluecloudyskies,

Thanks a lot. That is exactly what I told DH this morning. Haven’t been thinkng about sil at all, but my DH somehow expects me to see through her actions and be happy for her when he is.

He still has a loving relationship with her. He manages to see through her actions , because she doesn’t take it out on him any longer. She doesn’t still upset me because she has completely won her war at my cost. It wasn’t personal I was just collateral damage, viewed as a nobody because of my background.

This morning when DH updated me about her achievement. He seemed happy and proud of his little sister.. I suddenly felt negative and defensive and said to him, “why are you telling me her updates ?, I don’t care about someone that doesn’t care about me.”

He got shocked, and said “ what the hell why are you saying that?”.

So I felt bad for him. Hence why I posted here..

I think deep down he is telling himself that I’m just jealous of is sister. He doesn’t really care to see the dynamics of things much , he just sees is at “female politics”.

I guess I’m pissed off because I expect him to understand and be supportive of me wanting to stay at a safe distance from her geographically and emotionally so she can’t hurt me again. She doesn’t bother me while I’m distant , but she does when I’m at the distance that DH would like me to be from her.

He doesn’t support the distance, he is just passive and indifferent and on the fence. But doesn’t really tune into my emotions IYSWIM

I would have a very clear discussion with your DH.
Tell him that your SIL has hurt you deeply with her behaviour and the damage she has done to the relationship with your PIL is unacceptable.
However, you do not expect him to shut her out of his life, she is still his little sister and he needs to make his own decisions on how he deals with her.
But and this is a big BUT he cannot expect you to take an interest in her anymore. She has not reacted positively towards you so it is unfair and unreasonable to expect you to react positively to news about her. She is currently not someone you wish to think about and so he should respect your wishes not to have to think about her. You do not want to be updated on her life and progress.

ilove no one has to care for anyone who has treated them appallingly. Family/In Laws/Friends/etc. Your DH can care if he wants, but its unreasonable to expect you to do so. If he can't see that then perhaps you'd be better to engage 'uh huh' and other noncommittal responses and change the subject. He may take the hint then.

There is often, maybe even usually a bit of rivalry between a wife and female in-laws.

Flip, but in reality DH gets on with Brie as if they’re his own.. I got on with his siblings and felt same way...

Why do females have to behave this way? Surely if boys can get on so can girls

He doesn’t really care to see the dynamics of things much , he just sees is at “female politics”. - He's correct. Only women get themselves involved in shit like this.

Thanks everyone I will reply in more details, I have benefitted from all what you sent . Just multitasking while feeding my baby

Change what you do and dont tell anyone, keep it to yourself.

How on Earth do you find the time, energy or headspace for any of this teenagerish angst and crap

You both sound as bad as each other to be honest.