To not be happy for her achievements ?

[ILoveHumanity]

Let me say that I feel like a bad person but I feel a bit justified.

My sil is a lot younger than me. I used to love her as my own little sister. I was genuine. I mean it. I put her first because she was younger. It made me cry to see her cry. I went out of my way to make sure she does well in life. She was 17. I genuinely saw myself in her and mentored her.

A few years later, she used her relationship with me to backstab me. I won’t say the details as it’s outing. But she started turning v competitive, everything I buy she buys and puts me down. She created rumours around me. I lost many ppl over that.

I informed her one day that I found out about her backstabbing.. she went on to tell me how I deserve it and how I’m an inconvenience in her life. I’m still really hurt. She gave me hell when I had my baby and was pregnant. Almost as if her life mission was to obliterate me so she can outcompete. I was never into competing l.

Anyway, I limited contact. I lost respect from my PIL duecto stories she exaggerated and made up. DH knows this, but he says it is who she is. She is 21 and I’m aware that’s young.. she has potential to change.

But she made lots of remarks that made me believe she looks down upon me. It was DH that told me she looks down upon me. I felt it.

She made comments on social media about “ some people have no interesting life”. It hurts. Because when I got pregnant I put my career on hold and she seems thrilled to use it against me. It was directed at me as it was during a dispute we had.

Anyway, I feel so rejected by my in laws. I’m unaware of their reasons aside from made up shit about how I manipulated my husband bla bla made up by the girl.

Now, I hear she taking the same career path as me. She has signed up to the same extra curricular things. It’s not coincidental it’s almosr like she is copying me. Is she inspired by me ?? Is she still competing ?

I don’t feel happy for her because I feel she is going to use her achievements to fuel her big head and look down at me.

She makes points about how I come from cheap background. How I have nothing interesting in my life. How my skin colour is dull.. how She knows facts about parenting that I’m doing wrong. How I’m filthy :(. How I have no taste.

I feel she is doing it for the spotlight. Because she managed to turn my in laws against me. Only because I “changed with her and no longer want to be close”.

Your dh is an arse. Don’t feel sorry for him. Tell him you want nothing to do with her unTIL age stops the bullying.

Anyway.. I didn’t say she got a job.. she basically is choosing same education background

What does that actually mean?

Penelope I think, to be fair, it can be quite hard to see that when you’re stressed and unhappy

How on Earth do you find the time, energy or headspace for any of this teenagerish angst and crap confused - Exactly. It's only dim women that involve themselves in stuff like this.

SpringSnow, this is the second time you post on this dim-women thread. Am sorry that I don’t have a entertaining reaction to give you.

He's correct. Only women get themselves involved in shit like this.

Exactly. It's only dim women that involve themselves in stuff like this.

Oh those nasty stupid wimminz. Not like sensible menz.

@Juells where's the lie though?

Exactly. It's only dim women that involve themselves in stuff like this

Hahaha, I can only assume you have never worked with any underachieving middle-aged men. They blow us out of the water when it comes to petty squabbling about absolutely nothing.

OP, this girl sounds very young, and very childish. Read up on “grey rock” reactions (ie absolutely no reaction at all), and use that in response to anything she says or does, or anything you hear about her. A noncommittal “oh right”, “okay”, or something like that. Boring as possible. Anything else just pours more fuel on the fire and encourages the drama to continue.

This is so weird. It's written weirdly, I can't put my finger on it.

Is English your first language? Or are you both in America?

The whole description of everything is just.... off.

Anyway, aside from that, you need to walk away and go completely NC.
As for the PIL wtf would they even listen to your sister? I think my PIL have met my brothers once at my wedding and I doubt they would be able to pick them out of a line up. So the fact that your PIL are listening to her tells me one of two things, either your PIL already had their own issues with you and your sisters info was the tip of the iceberg, or what your sister is telling your PIL is very damning and true.

Either way, one things for sure - this is weird.

This is so weird. It's written weirdly, I can't put my finger on it.

I agree..... Thought that from the start!

I had assumed English as a second language. And in many immigrant cultures, families are enmeshed and communities are tight-knit.

So I can see how if a socially well-connected family started painting their DIL as an evil conniving bitch who was ruining their precious son’s life, that could cause genuine problems for the DIL, and be very hard to escape hearing about (millions of aunties queuing up to tell you about it).

Things like this do happen a lot in some families & can be really upsetting. Having said that it's easy to get drawn into a toxic dynamic that you don't realise you are fueling - and getting obsessed about it.

As pp said, distance is key. She's hugely insecure if she needs to put you down. Her prodding & you reacting is a vicious circle. She wants a reaction, you give it, so it goes on & on ad infinitum. Put yourself first & focus on your 'stuff'.

Sashkim, yes it’s my second language. And yes that’s what’s happening

I’ve just had a old man , who I’m casually friendly with because he is close friends with my husband and his sister, text me to say that he advises me that I take care of my looks and clean the house properly.. he called an intervention with my husband to ask him how I was doing as a wife ...

and when he got lots of puzzles faces, he said that sil has been pleading for him to “help” settle things between me and my husband and his mother.

There is nothing between me and my husband except a child . My hygiene standards are normal and I look after myself very well...

I feel so insulted that I have an entire crowd of weirdos telling me what to do.

My in laws are traditional and my family are not

My husband was equally confused and said that he doesn’t know why this is happening

But he doesn’t do anything about it

Deep down you are not angry at SIL or even PIL or even DH. You're angry at yourself for making a mistake getting so close to SIL in the first place. Letting MIL put pressure on you. Being a "good girl" and trying to please everyone else.

You made a mistake. Don't waste any more time on it.

I think the only thing that will help you here, beyond getting rid of your DH problem, is distance. Literal distance.

Rednaxela.. I am angry at myself for being fooled but I do think I’m angry at them as they faked their way into my trust

Your dh needs to step up to the intrusive old git and tell him to mind his own and be honest and say his sister is a liar and makes up fantasies.

The more he does that, the more they will back off.

And text him back 'do you mean to be so rude and intrusive. Be chilly to him next time you see him. You aren't on friendly terms, he's a nosy rude git.

I think it’s a bit ‘dim’ to not understand when there are family and community dynamics at play which are different to your mc, ‘sleepy village’ ones tbh, but there you go.
Ill bet it’s hard OP, at this point you NEED your husband on your side, if he’s not making things better for you, then he’s actually making it worse. He can’t tow the line in this sitution

Your sil sounds very jealous. The age difference isn't massive and the same standards if behaviour apply. Would you have acted like her when you were 21 or were you getting on with your life?

You sound successful. To some 21 year olds being settled with a baby is boring. As hard as it is, concentrate on what you've got going on in your life and ignore her.

Speak to your DH. Explain your feelings - his lack of support is hurtful and he is forcing a relationship where there no longer is one. He can be happy for his sister without talking to you about it so he shouldn't anymore. His role is to behave like nothing is happening or this is a silly women's issue. He's being a knob. I would say to my oh "I'm not interested and have told you this, stop talking to me about this shit" and I'd walk away he continued. you sound way nicer than me so if your DH says something maybe pause say "oh I see" and change the subject. Every time. No point in getting railed up just gray rock, boring responses.

You can't change other people, only how you react to them. A change in your reaction may escalate things in thw short term but stay strong and take no shit. Enjoy your time with your baby, it's the most important thing right now and you won't get this time back. Your PILs are missing out but that's up to them. They have and will continue to choose their DD over their GC. Your DH can help them to engage, you can step back.

His family is disfunctional and are playing their roles, you don't have to join in. Maybe try counselling so that you could come up with coping strategies?

If I'd have had a text from a random I wouldn't have engaged. I might have text "who is this?'" Or "did you mean to send this to me?"" then blocked. If I was feeling patient I might say "Thanks for your concern however it's misplaced. Everything is going really well here. Baby has two new teeth and is keeping us on our toes (or whatever). Take care". The I'd turn notifications off. Like fuck would I be meeting anyone for an intervention.

*I had assumed English as a second language. And in many immigrant cultures, families are enmeshed and communities are tight-knit.

So I can see how if a socially well-connected family started painting their DIL as an evil conniving bitch who was ruining their precious son’s life, that could cause genuine problems for the DIL, and be very hard to escape hearing about (millions of aunties queuing up to tell you about it).*

This. I think it is very hard for someone like me (British born and British origin) to understand a completely different culture. I had this problem with someone who worked for me who was Chinese. My ‘Your inlaws are being ridiculous. Of course your husband shouldn’t leave you and your 1 year old and move continents to take care of his dad for a year” wasn’t very helpful.

Op - it may be worth posting asking for help from people of your particular culture.

Your dh needs to step up to the intrusive old git and tell him to mind his own and be honest and say his sister is a liar and makes up fantasies.

The more he does that, the more they will back off.

I agree. By not doing this he’ll make people think there’s truth to her lies.

If all this started when you fell pregnant or had your child then she is jealous because she is no longer the centre of her world. This is attention seeking nonsense from your SIL. Celebrating someone else's success will never detract rom your own success. Dont let a 21 year old ruin your life. Smile at her, say congrats - it will annoy her way more! And if you PIL are letting her antics stop them seeing their grandchild they are idiots. Interesting that so many people are staying an intervention for you and DH because of her. No one fancy doing an intervention with her? Good luck!