To not be happy for her achievements ?

[ILoveHumanity]

Let me say that I feel like a bad person but I feel a bit justified.

My sil is a lot younger than me. I used to love her as my own little sister. I was genuine. I mean it. I put her first because she was younger. It made me cry to see her cry. I went out of my way to make sure she does well in life. She was 17. I genuinely saw myself in her and mentored her.

A few years later, she used her relationship with me to backstab me. I won’t say the details as it’s outing. But she started turning v competitive, everything I buy she buys and puts me down. She created rumours around me. I lost many ppl over that.

I informed her one day that I found out about her backstabbing.. she went on to tell me how I deserve it and how I’m an inconvenience in her life. I’m still really hurt. She gave me hell when I had my baby and was pregnant. Almost as if her life mission was to obliterate me so she can outcompete. I was never into competing l.

Anyway, I limited contact. I lost respect from my PIL duecto stories she exaggerated and made up. DH knows this, but he says it is who she is. She is 21 and I’m aware that’s young.. she has potential to change.

But she made lots of remarks that made me believe she looks down upon me. It was DH that told me she looks down upon me. I felt it.

She made comments on social media about “ some people have no interesting life”. It hurts. Because when I got pregnant I put my career on hold and she seems thrilled to use it against me. It was directed at me as it was during a dispute we had.

Anyway, I feel so rejected by my in laws. I’m unaware of their reasons aside from made up shit about how I manipulated my husband bla bla made up by the girl.

Now, I hear she taking the same career path as me. She has signed up to the same extra curricular things. It’s not coincidental it’s almosr like she is copying me. Is she inspired by me ?? Is she still competing ?

I don’t feel happy for her because I feel she is going to use her achievements to fuel her big head and look down at me.

She makes points about how I come from cheap background. How I have nothing interesting in my life. How my skin colour is dull.. how She knows facts about parenting that I’m doing wrong. How I’m filthy :(. How I have no taste.

I feel she is doing it for the spotlight. Because she managed to turn my in laws against me. Only because I “changed with her and no longer want to be close”.

you said you mentored her ,
so
hence why she follows your career path you should be happy

you should be happy

Oh yes, how delightful to to have someone maliciously making up lies about you and alienating you and your child from the rest of the in laws as well as other members of he community. Perhaps OP could send a thank you card and some flowers (end sarcasm)

heckypeck you seem to have absolutely understood where I am coming from.

Your very short response about my husbands passivity perfectly articulates my problem. Thank you so much.

Thanks everyone. I do have a lot going on in my life to focus on.. just sometimes it’s best resolve how we feel about something instead of brushing it under the carpet and I thank you for helping me address my own feelings.

I think the real problem is that my husbands expectation that I would care for his sister further hurts me because it makes me doubt whether he believes I deserve that he negates her fabricated stories or whether he feels it’s fair for him to wait for me to “prove myself otherwise”. Quite patronising and violating.

I do feel he has that concept completely wrong for some reason.

I think that’s the route for my problem and until I resolve it I probably will always be scared of how much more successful his sister becomes as this translates into her using her success to further confuse my already confused husband.

I feel like couple Councelling might be my best bet to see why he feels this way.. that he thinks I don’t deserve that he stands up for me and my reputation amongst his family by default but instead that I have to prove my innocence every time there is an accusation... as if it is my life mission to justify my behaviour. Perhaps Councelling can help him see how this has been affecting me . I’m unable to communicate ahout this with him effectively because I feel it hurts me to know that he doesn’t naturally see that and I often end up in an emotional row and I feel very sensitive and unworthy.

Its unlike me to not be happy for people’s success but in this context it just turned out this way.

I’m really grateful for all the support. It has given me a clear direction.

Whether it’s right or wrong I do feel like the feelings I’m experiencing towards this silly sil of mine, shows me that I’m just not in the emotional place I wish to be. That of grace and strength and resilience..

And I guess it is worth addressing the issue so that I’m back to being a living caring person, because that’s who I prefer to be. Regardless who deserves it or not.

I dislike it when I no longer recognise myself through my behaviour and attitude

I’m a rebellious person by nature and I must admit that when his sister started to fabricate lies about me... when I felt my husband was expecting me to “prove myself to them”.... I was deeply scarred and I rebelled by doing the exact opposite because I felt he should stop them from intervening in my life for the mere fact that I’m his wife and not his posession.

He is a good man really. But this issue seems to confuse him.

I have a lot of self dignity, and that’s why I chose to stand up for myself this way.. it made him further confused because he “no longer had basis to refute their claims and backbiting”.. which further made me angry with him.

I guess the bottom line is :

“ I expect him to not let people label me, gossip about me or undermine me regardless of what they think of me because it’s not their business. If he is unhappy with how I do things he should communicate directly without the need to air it through someone”.

However, he expects that, his family want his happiness and so if I cared about him I should take their attempts to “mend me” on board regardless what approach they take.. Out of love for him. Which makes me angry because it obviously means he doesn’t understand what love really means

I’m angry because I feel like the genuine love I felt for him and showed it to him wasn’t enough for him to care about making sure I don’t get hurt.

:(. I hope there is a solution to this really I do because I know he loves me but somehow his idea of love a lot less selfless than mine and it has damaged me

Am I wrong in thinkng that a husband owes it to his wife to protect her feelings from being hurt by his own family regardless of what they think of her ?

It’s because no matter how wrong he is I would totally protect him from being emotionally blackmailed or hurt by my family because it’s not their place to “mend him” or teach him lessons.

I don’t know perhaps I misunderstand him at times

Your husband may well be "a good man" but he is not treating you or your marriage well. He is expecting you to support him but he is not giving you the courtesy of that same support.

What can I do about it :(?
thisisnotmyrealname

Couples counseling might be just the ticket but your husband might not have the epiphany you believe is due. I recommend counseling for you, if nothing else to chat this over with an outsider.

A frank, calm conversation with your DH is in order.