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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be tired of the whose more tired arguments

80 replies

tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 06:59

I have a month old baby, every night me and my partner find ourselves in tears as she just screams/spews/doesn't settle back down.
He turned over and said "why doesn't this child sleep I can't cope"
So I said "nor can I. I've been up with her since 11 (it was 2.15) I'm shattered"
He said "I'm just as tired"

The other night we had pretty much thr same conversation but instead I kept going and I replied no you're not, I'm more tired. Then he says "I doubt that"

In the end he took our dd downstairs about 3 and is complaining he only managed an extra hours sleep. Our relationship is never going to survive if we keep fighting stupidly like this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 07:00

Sorry that sounds like a complete pointless post. My point was how do we stop going on like we are in competition with each other

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 07/09/2018 07:02

Tiredness is shit. Life with a new baby is shit. You just need to get through it! It does get better - slowly, but it does!

Congratulations on your new(ish) baby!

SoyDora · 07/09/2018 07:03

Competitive tiredness is soul destroying and completely and utterly pointless (I have learned this after 2 non sleeping children, DD1 didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3.5!). I’ve found the best thing is to accept that you’re both exhausted, stop talking about how exhausted you are (it doesn’t help and it definitely doesn’t change anything) and have some compassion for each other. You’ve got a month old baby, of course you’re knackered. What’s the point in talking about it all the time? Have a chat with him about how you know you’re both struggling and think of ways to support each other through it, without bickering and competition.

SoupDragon · 07/09/2018 07:04

You probably have to agree not to talk about being tired. Both of you.

As things settle down, you come up with a routine where maybe you go to bed early for a few hours uninterrupted sleep and he gets uninterrupted sleep at the other end of the night.

Zoflorabore · 07/09/2018 07:06

I remember saying something like "life isn't a competitionyou prick and we are both parents so if you think I've got it easy then take a day off work, I will disappear for the day to reflect your hours and when I come home we will talk about it"

Soon shut him up.

A lot of this stems from frustration op. It gets easier in time I promise Flowers

Drycleanonly7 · 07/09/2018 07:06

This is an exhausting stage. Agree with each other that you are both weary and that it isn't a competition. Easier said than done. My husband and I were just the same until we started taking stuff in turns and giving each other a rest. I have never known exhaustion like the first year of my son's life. Sleep when your baby naps. I found this hard to do at first then the more tired I got I did it automatically! Remember you are both shattered and need to get through this stage the best you can. Good luck.

TulipsInBloom1 · 07/09/2018 07:07

I think you two need to get a routine in place. Is dd bottle or breast fed?

On nights when dh was at work the next day I would do any wakes between 11pm and 5am. He would then do anything pre 11pm and after 5am but sleep solidly between.

On nights he wasnt at work next day, we would swap.

We also agreed not to compete over tiredness and each were allowed to moan about being tired just because they needed to moan.

sexnotgender · 07/09/2018 07:07

My ex husband used to do the competitive tiredness shit, when in reality he did fuck all. Used to drive me up the wall.

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 07:08

Thank you all
We also have 18m.o dd in our room as well so babies crying disturbs her and it's just getting harder and harder

OP posts:
ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 07/09/2018 07:09

Me and my DH never played the who is more tired game (as we called it) and just cut each other a bit of slack and said we understood we were both tired. It can be soul destroying being sleep deprived.

We still snapped on occasion at each other but letting the other one catch an extra hour at weekends say made the world of difference

It will get better Thanks

seven201 · 07/09/2018 07:10

Me and my dh did that when dd was a baby. We did try not too but sometimes you're so tired that you just snap at each other. Have a conversation about trying to stop doing it. You will sleep again one day, I promise!

Flatasapancakenow · 07/09/2018 07:10

Oh my goodness I'd forgotten about the competitive tiredness. This happened to us with each of our 3 DC, especially DD who slept very poorly for the first 2 years. It drove me insane and really put a strain on us.

As PP said maybe trying not to talk about it too much would help. How about agreeing on who gets up when and arranging it so that one of you gets a lie in on Saturday and the other on a Sunday?

Rednaxela · 07/09/2018 07:12

What @Zoflorabore said.

Dh and I tag team with ear plugs and swap between the sofa vs bedroom. It's the only way for us both to get anywhere near a bare minimum of sleep.

You need a routine in place to split the wakings

Livinglavidal0ca · 07/09/2018 07:12

I try not to do this, but I am more tired. Probably. I feel actual anger when it's my turn to get up with my 11 month old again because dp is too tired.

NameChangeyMcChangerson · 07/09/2018 07:15

Tbh this is one of the reasons I suggested DH sleep in the spare room. He couldn't actually help in the night in a way I found useful (baby EBF and I didn't find that getting him to do nappy changes or burping actually resulted in more sleep for me as I'd still be up from the feeding) but was still tired. Now there's no competition; I am indisputably the tired one and he does everything he can during waking hours to make sure I can nap, etc. and still acknowledges that he has the easier deal.

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 07:16

We have other children so it's quite hard to do the lie in thing cause I need my partner to take our toddler downstairs so by the time he has done that he says he's too awake to go back to bed!

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/09/2018 07:20

Congratulations and commiserations. Now, both of you, but especially him, cease and desist. Or I shall peer over my glasses at you on the Interwebs. Wink

Flatasapancakenow · 07/09/2018 08:03

Can whoever isn't getting the lie in not have both the baby and the toddler?

Nomad86 · 07/09/2018 08:10

We had a similar problem. We both assumed we were doing the lion's share. We ended up taking shifts downstairs. 2 lots of 3 hour shifts each. 6 hours sleep is enough to manage on and worked well for the first couple of months. Once dd was better at being put down, we said "if she wakes before 2am, I'll get up, if it's after 2am, you get up". We both knew our shifts, no rows. Shifts downstairs are fine when you know it's only for a set amount of time. Stick a film on with subtitles on, wrap a blanket around you both. If the baby happens to sleep in their basket next to you, you can nod off on the sofa.

zzzzz · 07/09/2018 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mymadworld · 07/09/2018 08:19

It's bloody awful but all you can do is agree not to discuss being tired anymore - you're both shattered and will be for a few more months no doubt but it's soul destroying to add arguments about said tiredness into the mix.
I'd also suggest getting older dc into another room and each having a lie-in once a week (saved my sanity at this stage)

museumum · 07/09/2018 08:21

Four of you in one room sounds tough. Do you not have another room? My friends with very close together babies had Mum & baby in one room and dad and toddler in another but the dad still did some shifts with the baby.

My dh who worked did the baby settling before midnight and after 6am and I did the overnight. I fed at 8/9pm then slept till midnight which made the rest of the night much easier.

WhiteCat1704 · 07/09/2018 09:00

I remember one time when DH complained about being tired after sleeping 22-6...I was getting woken every 90minutes every single night (baby was EBF)...I couldn't think straight but I did tell him he has some nerve, how dare he and that he has no idea what real tired feels like after sleeping for 8hrs! He denied sleeping that long(but at that point I was keeping track) and told me I don't have "monopoly for being tired".
We almost divorced...

Don't know what to advise but wait it out and hope baby will start sleeping better soon..

madeoficecream · 07/09/2018 09:06

we do shifts here. I go to bed at the same time as my toddler goes whilst my husband has the baby in the living room. He keeps her until she starts crying to be fed which is 2-4 hours and then he brings her to me and goes and sleeps in the spare room for the next two feeds so 4-8 hours. Then he gets up with my toddler and makes him breakfast and takes the baby from me and downstairs so I can get a couple of hours more sleep.
When hes at work early he sometimes cant get the toddler up and take the baby in the morning but thats okay because I generally manage to get a reasonable amount of sleep on his days off.

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 10:19

I only said it out of frustration, considering I had been feeding/winding/changing/rocking since 11, he has a nerve to roll over and complain just because dd let out a scream (I'd managed to keep her quiet enough so he slept through it)
We do have another room but our twin boys are in there.
I can't lift toddler out of her cot yet.

OP posts: