To be tired of the whose more tired arguments

[tbear2302]

I have a month old baby, every night me and my partner find ourselves in tears as she just screams/spews/doesn't settle back down.
He turned over and said "why doesn't this child sleep I can't cope"
So I said "nor can I. I've been up with her since 11 (it was 2.15) I'm shattered"
He said "I'm just as tired"

The other night we had pretty much thr same conversation but instead I kept going and I replied no you're not, I'm more tired. Then he says "I doubt that"

In the end he took our dd downstairs about 3 and is complaining he only managed an extra hours sleep. Our relationship is never going to survive if we keep fighting stupidly like this :(

Was this going on before you decided to have your baby?

As in is this a reaction to less attention or just began with your daughter

That's fab, but no use when they are chasing dd round the house with a knife

That us seriously not OK. You need to speak to someone about the twins.

Well my DD was born in February, so it took a good few months for the behaviour to come out and ever since it has they are just a nightmare. But completely fine at nursery, fine when with their grandad, fine if alone with just me but add in dd and they just so nuts.
So it's been well over a year, now I have another dd and so far they've left her alone but behaviour is still on going with eldest dd
Hope this makes sense

That's pretty much what their behaviour is like @sillysally.
They've pushed her down the stairs, held her underwater, put blankets and muslins over her head, throw toys at her, sit on her, push her, kick her, push her into the road if we are out and about,trap her fingers into doors, they've managed to get her into a cupboard and keep it closed for a while. It's horrific, it absolutely breaks me. My partner isn't currently working as it's out of season just now, and every day I thank God as I just can't keep an eye on them all the time.
It sounds so drastic but I fear for her safety if I had to put her into the boys room.
I've filmed them doing this, I've taken pictures of the bruises, the HV has actually witnessed some behaviour but still I get told its just jealousy and it'll settle down

We had competitive tiredness when dd was tiny.... both of us were convinced we were more tired.

We decided that rather than bickering about it and annoying each other, we would accept that we were both exhausted and neither had a monopoly on it. We couldn’t know how the other was actually feeling and shouldn’t assume or compare.

Essentially we just mutually agreed to stop doing it as it was unproductive, negative and made us both cross with each other.

Of course, I knew that I was the most tired really 😉

They sound to me like they don’t feel happy at home. I suspect that the two younger take up the vast majority of your time. You’re probably not the funnest parent and to add two new children in such quick succession has been very hard on them.

The fact they’re fine out of the home is indicative of it not being a ‘condition’ I think. My son has ASD and it’s apparent everywhere, some to a greater or lesser degree.

The first thing I’d do is sort the baby - sounds like reflux and if you don’t get it sorted early it will drain the life out of you.

After that I’d suggest looking at the Hand in Hand Parenting website - helpful with gentle methods to improve behaviour.

You need to take control. Timetables, boundaries, consequences but you won’t be consistent until you feel strong.

If I could give them all away, I bloody would. I've never known stress like it.
I guess you're questioning it this is happening, how can I have another baby. Well I was on the pill & using condoms. I was waiting on getting the coil when I got pregnant, we absolutely did not want to bring another baby into this fucking mess and every day I regret it. I'm sad that our dd goes through this, I'm sad that she's coming to an age where she's going to think it's normal. I try my hardest to protect her, but nobody is protecting me, we are being failed by those supposed to be there. All the various people I mentioned are aware of how bad its got, the only people aren't aware are SS but I don't know how to go about getting in touch with them. We've not seen a HV since April.
I just don't want to be blamed for their behavior and have them taken away as a result. I love them, they're my boys and I know deep down they don't mean this naughty behaviour. I would say in the 18m my DD been alive we've had a good few days, where they've given me blankets for dd, reached for her dummy for me, hugged her when another boy through a ball at her in soft play. So they can be nice and loving, I just don't know how to bring it out 24/7

Have you ASKED them why they do it?

Oh yeah
"don't know"
"no teeth can't speak"
"it wasn't me it was twin b"
"because she looked at me"
"because.. Because I want to"

To get in touch with ss, google the name of your local council children’s services and there should be a phone number. They should take you seriously and look at what help can be offered.

instead of arguing at 2 am, plan it.
One of you go and get 4 hours sleep 9-1 and then swap.

I found with all of mine that once I had one stretch of 4 hours, my ability to cope was much better.

Look, it’s easy to say I wouldn’t have had another baby - it’s irrelevant because you do and you have to deal with it.

But if your partner is home then you need to take action. You can sleep in turns when the twins are at nursery, you can make a bedroom in the living room which you can alternate staying in.

You just CALL social services - their number is on your local council’s website.

I would suggest a visual timetable for the say - very simple:

Breakfast
Get dressed
Nursery
Snack time
Playtime with DD (where you supervise and guide the play)
Etc

Get a timer and get it regimented. Having 4 children just isn’t going to be easy, but it will be unmitigated horror if you don’t take charge.

Are you breast feeding your baby? I'm normally very pro breastfeeding but mixed feeding might work better for your family as your partner can take proper night shifts while he is not working and you can get some actual sleep.

Lack of sleep just leaves a person shattered physically, mentally and emotionally. If you had even 5 or 6 hours of straight sleep, you'd be in a better position to deal with your children's challenges.

Do you own your house? Any chance of moving to a 3 or 4 bed in a cheaper area?

You need to call social services to get support. Do you have the funds for a private child psychologist?

This is extreme and will emotionally and psychologically damage your DD for the rest of her life, you need to act now, and don’t stop until you get help.

Agree that if possible you need to find some funds for a private psychologist for your twins.

I agree that if at all possible - even if it means some really tough financial decisions - you need a private psychologist for the boys - and it needs to be someone with extensive experience in the dynamics between twins. It seems you think both do this equally and are equal instigators? Which is both odd and telling.

I just also wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrific and you're being so strong

No reflux, she just cries constantly. All my kids have done it

Any better last night?

Not even silent reflux?

I’m not exaggerating, but I don’t know a single child that cried like that every night without something underlying affecting them.

The best advice I got was that during the intense exhausting newborn stage was that we could be tired and angry- or just tired. We chose the latter and whilst we still biccered we found we were able to catch ourselves before a full on argument started.
Your right, it's not a competition nor is it a necessity to be fully functioning adults for the next few weeks. Just accept your fate for the time being and do the best you can x

Can you split up the sleeping? It sounds like there are three potential sleeping spaces - two bedrooms and living room? I'd keep the twins where they are, and as you can't lift your toddler yet your partner shares the bedroom with her. You have the baby downstairs for the overnight while your partner sleeps. Put the TV on low volume if it helps. Eat snacks. Express milk if you can (nights are often good for supply).
Then at 6am he takes over downstairs with whichever children are awake and you sleep as long as you like/can.
Not ideal I know, but better than you and your partner both being disturbed all the time.
Do you have plans to move when the children are bigger? Or can you expand/convert the loft?

Your twins need to be removed from being anywhere near your 18m old before they kill her. Look up the social services number on your local council website and phone them TODAY. Your poor DD is being abused, she must feel constantly terrified.

If I were in this situation I'd move out with DD and take turns with DH spending time with the twins. Until their behaviour is under control she, or your new baby, should be in the house with them.

Shouldn't*