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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of the whose more tired arguments

80 replies

tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 06:59

I have a month old baby, every night me and my partner find ourselves in tears as she just screams/spews/doesn't settle back down.
He turned over and said "why doesn't this child sleep I can't cope"
So I said "nor can I. I've been up with her since 11 (it was 2.15) I'm shattered"
He said "I'm just as tired"

The other night we had pretty much thr same conversation but instead I kept going and I replied no you're not, I'm more tired. Then he says "I doubt that"

In the end he took our dd downstairs about 3 and is complaining he only managed an extra hours sleep. Our relationship is never going to survive if we keep fighting stupidly like this :(

OP posts:
Excited0803 · 07/09/2018 10:28

I can't imagine this with the extra kids as we get tired with one baby, so I feel for you. My DH slept downstairs, so he wasn't tired and could come up with breakfast and coffee in the morning, taking the baby while I have an hour's nap and a shower, then again later in the day. It's all so much easier when only one of you is genuinely exhausted, two just aggravate each other and it doesn't help. Splitting the night also works for some other couples, just not us as we're EBF.

Theresahairbrushinthefridge · 07/09/2018 10:30

The only way we survived it was sleeping in separate rooms. So at least one of us got some sleep. I BF so it was me in with the babies. My husband slept elsewhere and then took all the kids so I had a catch up sleep. That was the theory. Actually I was rarely able to catch up as house was too noisy but at least he wasn't equally tired and could function when I couldn't.

TulipsInBloom1 · 07/09/2018 10:33

How old are the twins? Can the 18mo go in there?

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 10:58

The twins are 4 but very violent and I can't leave my 18m alone with them in the day as they've tried to harm her before, I'd never rest if the three were together in the night.
That sounds so dramatic but I fear in the morning, only the twins would be alive.
I guess me and the baby sleeping down stairs is an option but 18m usually wakes at 4 and my DP will bring her downstairs, so if I'm already downstairs then she will just scream and it'll wake the twins.
There is literally no good alternative (a bigger house maybe!)

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 07/09/2018 11:08

There is no more pointless endeavour in the world than the competitive tiredness game. You need to make a pact to stop.

Some kind of shift system generally works best. DS2 is 3 months. I see to him in the night on the proviso that DH gets up with DS1 and gives me a lie in. I find that few hours in the morning helps a LOT.

SoyDora · 07/09/2018 11:08

Are you getting any help to deal with the twins’ violence?

Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2018 11:15

Also, is the screaming ‘normal’ screaming? In my experience, hours of screaming is not normal if they’re well, fed, changed and being comforted.

Reflux? Allergy?

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:15

No, unfortunately not. I've tried all resources I can think of but nothing works

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Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:18

We've had 5 different HV since they been born, nobody can figure out what's wrong, been to the gp multiple times, had nights in the children's ward so Dr's can observe them, had 2 different sure start volunteers come out and spend time with them, spoke to a early years worker.
They all put it down to jealous behaviour. The last time I seen a HV I broke down, proper ugly crying, snot everywhere and begged on my knees for some help. Was told if I didn't calm down they'd section me and the social services would be phoned

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Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2018 11:18

Am i understanding correctly, 4 children in 2 bedrooms? How many re prion rooms do you have? Trying to understand logistics.

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:20

Yeah two 4 year old twins in one room,
Me, my partner, 18m and baby in the other room

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2018 11:21

Sorry, what? A heath visitor can’t section you! And they SHOULD call SS because you need the support...

faeriequeen · 07/09/2018 11:22

How about you and baby sleep in living room, dad and toddler in bedroom 1, twins in other room until it all calms down a bit? The worst scenario is both parents being woken all day and night - at least that way you can do it in shifts.

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:25

I think she said it because it was the first proper time I'd allowed her to see how much pain I was in from what's happening day in day out.
I am a good mother, I don't want my children taken away from me but seeing my baby girl be hurt from the boys behaviour breaks my heart. It happens every day, every day they learn nothing from doing it. Every day I cry, I vow to my daughter that the next day will be better but nothing changes. Its been like this for a year now, it's not getting better and I don't see it getting better.
Have even begged my partner to leave and take dd with him just so she's getting some respite from them but he says taking her away will just confuse them and possibly make them lash out even more

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 07/09/2018 11:25

Wow that sounds so rough. Thanks

Can you divide the night into shifts so you at least each get a decent chunk of sleep?

Parent A: 9pm - 1am
Parent B: 1am - 6am
Parent A: Gets up at 6am if needed while Parent B goes back to bed.

Your twins behaviour sounds extreme. Have you taken them to the GP? There might be some support available to help with them which will make the rest of it easier.

blackteasplease · 07/09/2018 11:26

These arguments are pointless there is no doubt

But 90+% of the time the mum will be much more tired, so it's incredibly hard to bite back your response when a partner who has actually been snoozing away through several hours in which you were up claims to be "soooooo tired"

SilverBirchTree · 07/09/2018 11:27

Does your partner work OP? My advice about dividing up the night shifts will be different if he doesnt work outside the home.

Could your partner sleep with the twins & toddler? Then he'd be there to supervise them and you'd only have the baby to worry about.

blackteasplease · 07/09/2018 11:27

Christ sorry that moved on a lot from where I had read!!!! Apologies

blackteasplease · 07/09/2018 11:30

Maybe your dh could take the twins away for a break rather than your dd?

But on the long term you need to put much more pressure on social services to help you.

Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2018 11:31

If that’s what she said then she’s a rubbish health visitor.

What support have Social Services offered? What do nursery or school say about them? What kind of discipline do you use? When did the behaviour start?

SilverBirchTree · 07/09/2018 11:32

Oh gosh sorry, I just saw your post about the twins being assessed. Sorry, that's so hard. Sad

Shesupanddown · 07/09/2018 11:44

You’re as tired as each other so instead of focusing on getting the sympathy then focus on giving the sympathy. If you both do this then you both get equal sympathy- simples

Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:46

This thread has moved on a lot I don't blame you for not keeping up.
Ss not involved,
Nursery say they are fine, wonderful children, we've used time out, the naughty step, taking toys away, taking everything bar their bed away, tried shouting, tried getting down to their level and explaining, tried reward charts. Started last July.
I still get one to one time with them and in that time I do try love bombing, but they are angels when with me but as soon as we back in the house the behaviour starts all over again, it's like they just forget/can't remember to behave

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Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:47

I did ask the HV for a referral to camhs, we went through fucking hundreds of hoops to get an appointment to be told "they are fine, it's behaviour they will grow out of"
That's fab, but no use when they are chasing dd round the house with a knife

OP posts:
Original poster
tbear2302 · 07/09/2018 11:53

Don't flame me for them having access to a knife, I obviously don't have them at eye level for the twins but they managed to get hold of them when my back was turned

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