To tell my DD3 to starve if nothing is good enough?

[sidesplittinglol]

Ok a bit OTT but she is driving me to the edge at the moment. No food is good enough for her. Meal times are so hard as she has limited me to the amount of food she will eat. She then complains she's hungry but won't eat anything that's good for her. She'd live on biscuits and chocolate if she could.

Things she won't eat:

Pasta
Cheese
Tomato sauce
Any type of meat
Potato (apart from chips)
Rice
Egg (only boiled)
All veg
Beans
Toast (hit and miss)

I'm not great at meal ideas as it is but I feel this list limits me so much.

I've tried to make the food fun and look nice but the second she sees something she doesn't like it sets the tone for the rest of the meal and she won't eat it.

Can anyone please suggest anything I can do or make.

My 3 year old goes in phases of being fussy and not. I find the more we try and force it, the worse it gets! If we are eating something and don't offer her some she will often ask to try it.

She ate fajitas the other day - we put everything in the middle of the table and let her put what she wanted on her plate and she actually put stuff on that if I'd offered her (like salsa) she would have refused. So maybe if you haven't already tried, put pans in the centre of the table and let her serve herself?

Also I try and always reinforce that tastes change so if she doesn't like something I will say it's not your favourite at the moment is it but we can try it again when you're ready as you didn't used to like 'x' either and now you do!

We also try and praise her for trying new things even if it's something she should like or previously liked and spits out (she loves fish and potatoes but declared she hates fishcakes the other day). We say it doesn't matter if she doesn't like it but please try

Also have something that she will eat even if just rice

I'm trying to get the message across that we need food of lots of different types and colours as otherwise she just wants carbs

Saying that, it's very frustrating when you've cooked and they are being too fussy and we do frequently resort to bribing with pudding (3 more bites of broccoli and you can have a chocolate etc) which I know is totally the wrong approach!

Does she go to nursery?

After reaching adulthood, you take responsibility upon yourself, surely?

I think my parents' actions and decisions affected me as a young person, but at 60+ I have had 40 years of making my own choices. I would suggest that you are evading the consequences of the choices you have made.

After reaching adulthood, you take responsibility upon yourself, surely?

Why would you take responsibility for what someone else did to you as a child?

Trying to undo the groundwork that is laid in childhood is no mean feat. It can take years of counselling and therapies for some people (I know, I’ve been there, done that! counselling, therapy, hypnotherapy) it’s really not as simple as just deciding to eat everything once you hit 18. You’re showing quite a deal of ignorance on the subject so maybe it’s best you stop lecturing those who have experience on how they should be.

I too have done counselling and therapy, years of, but actually what makes the difference is deciding to live with your history, and to decide on something more positive. Not regurgitating the recriminations and the history. We make ourselves. To be defined by your childhood experience is failing to grow up. Yes, it will affect everything you do... but if you want you can move on, possibly needing lots of assistance.

I had a fussy one at that age - a small tip that worked a lot is to play guess what this is. Ask them to close their eyes and open their mouth and pass a tiny bit of food of one sort from your own plate( always more exciting for little ones when it is something of yours!). Suddenly it was "again!" "again!". Quite often it seemed like it was just getting that first mouthful in, then the taste buds and appetite kick in rather than the blank I don't like that and not even trying.

Other one that worked was lets see what matches and get them to taste the food in pairs , quite often after trying something they said yuk to previously had 5 mouthfuls eaten. Especially if sold with lets try it with ketchup/beans/gravy/potato/cheese etc , try and do it with something else on the plate that they love. This still works on my older one who is now getting the idea that a plate is a meal of food that is put together because it tastes good altogether and eating the way around the plate one item at a time as she is want to do makes the meal far less yummy.

want = wont

Oh FGS Xing what is it you’re not getting here? It takes time to undo the bad patterns and associations that were formed in their brain in childhood. It is not simply a case of deciding you can eat rice or a banana. You may want to, you may try to, but there are instincts there that kick in, that you haven’t yet untrained. Just because someone hasn’t yet managed to completely heal themselves doesn’t mean they’ve decided not to live with their history. It just means they haven’t healed yet. Well done for you that you’re there, you’re in your 60’s you’ve had 3 times as long as Ive had to work through whatever your issues are. When I’m 60, I imagine I might feel ok about eating rice. And yet, my parents will still be responsible for their actions towards me as a child. Acknowledging that is not the same as not dealing with my issues as an adult. Their actions (and those of other adults at the time) created associations that have left a lasting impact on my relationship with food. Yes, it’s my responsibility to deal with that now, but that doesn’t dismiss what caused the situation.

possibly needing lots of assistance.

That does come for free.

Doesn’t

All I would eat at that age was fruit, cereal, tomato soup and chips and cheese
Also angel delight. Mum and dad were laid back about it as at least I did eat.
What broadened my limited diet was being at my cousins house and eating dinner with them. After a few days I wanted to try the things they were eating.
Have you got any friends with unfussy dc you could invite round so your dd sees other children eating a more varied diet?
Unfortunately school dinner ladies undid all my auntie s good work by trying to force me to eat things I couldn't.
I still remember age 8 being sent to stand in the hall as I wouldn't eat meat and crying as I watched my friends go out to play.
I m 50 now and still a fussy eater but at least it's no longer considered weird not to eat meat.

You’re alllowed to blame your parents for things they did that have had a lasting effect on you

But what is the point? Surely the lessons we learn from where our parents went wrong are helpful in turning our lives around and not doing to same thing to own children, but all parents fuck up, don't they? But very few deliberately fuck up.

You’re missing the point coyoacan. The blame lies with them. That is all I was saying. I’m not saying be angry with them, I’m not saying refuse to deal with your issues because someone else caused them. I’m just saying that you’re allowed to acknowledge where the problem started. There is nothing wrong with that, and actually can be part of the healing process for someone who was labelled as “fussy” as a child and treated as if they were being naughty for it. It wasn’t their fault, and when they can acknowledge that and place the blame where it lies they can start to heal.

Haven't read the whole thread, but a few things that I can think of are:

-Three year olds are working out their own autonomy and sense of self. Refusing foods is a way they can exercise that autonomy.

-Always give a choice, having a range of foods at the table and allow them to pick.

• Children and adults all have foods they really don't like and can't or won't eat. That's normal; if your child won't eat a food now, there's no saying that they won't it it next week, or when it's presented or cooked differently, or in a different setting, or when they're an adult. Or maybe they will never eat it, but that's okay because there are many other foods to choose from.

• Your toddler can refuse to eat a food, but that doesn't mean you have to give them the food that you don't want them to have. Find the middle way/compromise between the two.

• Easiest way not to have chocolate, snack, ice cream, junk food battles is to not have it available, ie don't have it in the house, or if you do, keep it completely hidden from your child so they do not know it exists. A tantrum is okay, that's how toddlers learn to deal with overwhelming feelings. Just ride through it and don't give in to the demand for a chocolate etc. You can validate the desire for the thing by saying "yes, chocolate is lovely isn't it, we can't have it now but we can have it (insert appropriate time)". Some parents save ice cream eating as a thing they do when they're out, after a trip to the park, or on a Friday for example.

• Toddlers/small humans don't have huge appetites and often prefer small snacks (healthy) throughout the day rather than huge meals at set times. Even at a mealtime, serve a tiny portion so that it is not overwhelming and that your child feels a sense of accomplishment when they eat it.

• Don't make mealtimes into a battleground. Don't make a big deal about meals so that your child becomes stressed about food before they even start eating. Barring food phobias/total food refusal, no child has starved and most end up eating a range of foods when they're adults.

• Pick your battles, you don't want to have your child to end up with ongoing issues about food and eating. Give them a daily multivitamin if you're really worried.

• Make mealtimes fun, food & eating should be a pleasure. Get your child to help with chopping, peeling, stirring in the kitchen. Let them arrange the food on their own plate. Things like mini pizzas are great because your child can make their own. Have the occasional meal outside, on a blanket the floor as an inside picnic, with the stuffed toys and dolls participating.

• Finally, get hold of toddler books about food, cooking, and eating. We had an amazing book by Lauren Child in the "Charlie & Lola" series called "I Will Never, Not Ever Eat A Tomato".

Haven’t read every reply OP so this may already have been mentioned but it’s very normal at her age. Mine went through the same. I always made sure there was something I knew she liked, like egg on the plate and would then try some (not crazy) different things. Whatever wasn’t eaten was put in the fridge for later. Then if she said she’s hungry, that plate comes back out. Often, it would be eaten up later that evening. If she had a good go at everything she could then have a pudding. No pudding if nothing is tried. I would also take her shopping and let her pick some things. That way she thinks she’s got some control. Letting her mix and stir things etc also helped. Let her make something. Ham sandwiches for example that you all also eat. Again, she’s then Head Chef. Get her an apron, a hat and a wooden spoon!

Don’t start pandering to her now or you’ll set yourself up for a lifetime of fussing eating.

Cook the food, place it in front of her, no drama.
Say once “come on, eat your dinner” if she doesn’t touch it, just take the plate away with no fuss or drama at all.

When she asks for other stuff, just say, “you didn’t eat your dinner, would you like to eat it now?” And go from there and persevere.

Do not give in and let her have biscuits and junk. This is how it’s starts. They realise they can get what they want by playing on you panicking that they won’t eat.

@Bird, at your age it's fine to be angered. At mine, it wouldn't be.

My remark was more for the person still blaming parents at 50+.

at your age it's fine to be angered. At mine, it wouldn't be.

Again, why are you not getting this? I’m not angered. Apportioning blame where it belongs is not the same as being angry! How do you not understand this?

DS would barely eat anything at that age, it was tough, but now he’s a teen he eats most things tbh. It’s been a gradual process adding food as he’s got older. Def got better when he went to school and on play dates.

It's a fine line between the two surely? Blame is so frequently followed by anger and recriminations, especially on MN.

Maybe it’s just who can’t separate your feelings of blame and anger. I have no issue with identifying who is responsible for something without feeling anger about it.

My brother, when he was primary school age, was down to pretty much pasta and ketchup and was obsessed with chicken nuggets. He'd ate carrots and apple only from macdonalds as they'd just brought out fruit. My mum was strict about meals and sat with him for ages after we'd finished. He had undiagnosed behavioural issues too and in year 4/5 my mum started a star chart which eventually earned him a ps2. He got stars for behaving well and just tryi a new food. Eventually he improved and now loves cooking and eats stuff I don't (spicy and rare meat).

I’ve had a fussy dd2. Meal times were horrendous. I’ve pandered and been stubborn re meals, either making seperate meals for her or making her go hungry. She’s now 9 and is far more open minded to trying new things and will at least attempt a bite before dismissing, equally the range of foods she now eats has surprised me. Gently gently and maybe she will come through it. Find meals that she does like and perhaps add foods to encourage her to try...

It could be a sensory issue. Maybe get her to try a new food, or help with making meals. We had to adapt what we eat, but ours eats healthier than we do so can't complain. Don't resort to chocolate and biscuits though. Also, don't stress if she does seem to live off one food for a while, and don't make a big deal out of it. Praise for trying something new, nothing for food left uneaten.

What about getting her to help with preparing meals. Washing salad, rolling pastry. Maybe let her watch you cook. Help you choose and shop for food for that meal, just ideas. Also can you all eat together and serve up at the table. Ask her what she wants put on her plate. Maybe praise her at the table, look what DD helped me make.