To tell my DD3 to starve if nothing is good enough?

[sidesplittinglol]

Ok a bit OTT but she is driving me to the edge at the moment. No food is good enough for her. Meal times are so hard as she has limited me to the amount of food she will eat. She then complains she's hungry but won't eat anything that's good for her. She'd live on biscuits and chocolate if she could.

Things she won't eat:

Pasta
Cheese
Tomato sauce
Any type of meat
Potato (apart from chips)
Rice
Egg (only boiled)
All veg
Beans
Toast (hit and miss)

I'm not great at meal ideas as it is but I feel this list limits me so much.

I've tried to make the food fun and look nice but the second she sees something she doesn't like it sets the tone for the rest of the meal and she won't eat it.

Can anyone please suggest anything I can do or make.

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan

There is certainly evidence to suggest that there are fewer SN diagnosed in France, e.g.: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/suffer-the-children/201203/why-french-kids-dont-have-adhd

However, I'm not an expert in this field and wouldn't want to try to theorise as to why this could be. Beyond being a formerly 'fussy' child yourself you haven't given your credentials in this area either - but if by chance you do happen to be an expert and know why this might be then feel free to say.

So I made rice with lentils and egg and she ate half and decided she had enough as Dh came home. But that's fine as it's more than what she normally eats.

I do think the that's it or nothing doesn't work on her though as she will quite happily go to bed on an empty stomach at times.

“They’d say leave it and I’d immediately put them on the floor with a smile

Why on earth did you make your child sit on the floor? Like a punishment for not wanting food! Why couldn’t they stay at the table and join in the family conversation?“

Haha no I don’t make them sit on the floor!!! I put them on their feet on the floor!!! No punishment at all. Don’t want dinner? Free to go! It works better if they don’t stay at the table to begin with if they turn food down as they soon want to be back up joining in with the fun.

Beyond being a formerly 'fussy' child yourself you haven't given your credentials in this area either - but if by chance you do happen to be an expert and know why this might be then feel free to say.

I’m neither an expert in France nor their diagnostic processes for SN so I’m afraid I can’t shed any light on why there are fewer children diagnosed with SN in France than elsewhere. What I actually asked you was whether it was a case of SN not existing in France or French parents being intolerant of SN. As you have confirmed SN do indeed exist in France I can only assume that means French parents are intolerant of their DCs SN when you assert that they do not put up with children refusing to eat. Or maybe you were just exaggerating and there are plenty of food refusers in France. I assume you didn’t meet all the residents of France when you lived there?

No child with access to food will starve to death, mine have the option of Daddy’s cooking or going hungry till supper (though I do ‘try’ to make meals I think they will eat and my daughter sounds like yours!).

I have a mantra: 'it's my job to decide what and when we are having, and it's dd's job to decide whether and how much of it she wants to eat'

That’s it. Lots of people who say ‘oh but they’d starve’ really don’t practice the ‘don’t make a fuss’ approach. That means absolutely no fuss, pressure or punishment AT ALL. No cajoling, no big praise. Just serve dinner, ignore tantrums, ask if they’ve finished then remove them from the food when they decide. Aside from children with SEN they won’t starve themselves UNLESS they feel pressure.

I’d recommend “my child won’t eat” book. It will really put your mind at rest. It’s hard not to make it into a big thing, but the more drama you create, the worse mealtimes are going to be. Good luck.

I think that's where I'm going wrong. I'm putting too much emphasis on eating and getting her to eat rather than the approaches you all have been suggesting.

And as for putting them down, it’s taking them away from the ‘problem’ but i always asked, “ok have you finished? Would you like to get down then?” And to start with they’d say yes. By the time it got to the point of chatting about their day at school they’d got over the fussy eating.

Try letting children experience hunger?

I was fussy, disliked certain textures in my mouth (I still do), but I vaguely remember being allowed to eat what was on my plate or nothing. There was no alternative. Eventually a small child eats; they do not self starve out of will. But it's not a rule that works once they have understood that there could/might be yoghurt or fruit or treats.

It's wholemeal bread, plain without butter or jam or anything to add flavour, without pity or any evident concern. A glass of milk at bedtime and bread is adequate for a reasonable period, maybe a week or 10 days. It's possible that the sheer plain-ness resets the taste buds to accept new flavours.

For an extended period DS ate mainly sausages, pasta and baked beans. He grew out of it, and is now training as a chef!

Angelil you are wrong pretty much from beginning to end. I also live in France and restaurants have children’s menus almost everywhere and plenty of friends offer children a special, simpler menu and/or have fussy eaters. Some SN are depressingly underdiagnosed on France for a variety of complex reasons. If you take autism a large number of doctors, including leading figures in large hospitals, don’t believe that there is a physiological basis for it. Instead they believe that autism is caused by mothers who are either too cold or too hot emotionally and that autism can be cured with psychoanalysis (horrifically outdated garbage). Sensory disorders are also often underdiagnosed as they are assumed to be caused by the parents (idiotic psychoanalysis rules in this country along with homeopathy). Try the FB group on children with SN in France and you’ll get a better idea of the huge problems parents face in getting their DCs diagnosed and supported.

For other posters who have said this, children can and do starve themselves to the point wherever they need urgent hospital treatment, please do not spread misinformation on this potentially dangerous topic.

@XingMing but a lot of children will starve themselves. I've seen it first hand. I knew a little boy who ended up in hospital just to prove a point. He has constant full access to a fruit bowl and refused to eat it still just because he decided he didn't like the food he was offered and wanted something specific

Today, have you looked at pictures of starving children in famine areas? It's not deciding to starve; it's because there is nothing NOTHING to eat.

I did say earlier in the thread my child ended up in hospital. When she refused her tea she could not be woken up the next morning.

Children are naturally picky and it is a hangover survival instinct (only eating things we know are safe). Most often children grow out of It, in some cases slower than others. Just make sure the good is available to try and let her sit while you eat and try yours, curiosity may get the better of her.
There is lot of evidence that children with dyspraxic (co-ordination difficulty ) children begin being funny with food, it's related to their experience of textures. This was the case with my son. He is now grown up but was a total nightmare. As time has gone on he has tried more things but many things are still no gos. I was advised at the age of your daughter to just let him eat what he would without making a fuss and give him multivitamins and he would start to try things. It worked. Good luck.

DS was very fussy at that age, we found encouraging him to help cook meals and all eating together as a family and praising him for his fantastic cooking helped massively.

We also never offered alternatives or options, it was what was on offer or nothing.
If they are hungry enough they will eat anything and they will not starve from going to bed hungry.

It was difficult for a while but eventually it worked and now he will eat almost anything given to him.

Oneday that's terrible, and I don't mean to be harsh. I have skim read the thread and missed your post. But most children do eat, with their eyes and sense of smell to guide them to wholesome food. It gets derailed easily when they are offered tasty but less nutritious treats as a bribe to eat at all. And I don't suggest that I know anything at all faced with SN.

I have 'supertaste'. I've always had it. For me most foods taste very bitter and most green foods literally taste like grass. I am in my 50's so my parents force fed me foods and made me eat the same meal for days or I sat to the table for literally hours. I still didn't eat the food but am left with terrible anxiety that manifests itself with the shakes, racing heart and nausea whenever I am faced with new flavours or people who won't accept my 'no thank you' when offered food.

Kind of worse I am a vegetarian by choice. A vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables. It's maddening and I feel childish but I have tried to no avail.

Please tread carefully and don't make food a battle. As long a she feels she has choice and her family models an open mind to their food and she is offered a multitude of foods regularly I am sure it will resolve.

have you looked at pictures of staving children in famine areas?

I was constantly reminded of this at every single meal during my childhood. About how the little starving children in Biafra (showing my age) would love to eat what I was turning my nose up at, and how ungrateful I was, and how I should at least try a little bit.

It doesn't bloody work. I used to tell my parents to pack it up and send it to them

My parents did everything wrong and would constantly hang over me - try this, try that, you might like it... every mealtime was hell. I couldn't eat what they wanted me to eat. Total complete and utter revulsion and I would gag on everything. I couldn't help it. I'm 56 and I still gag on some things. I didn't want to be like that, I just was, and dreaded every meal, sitting there sick with fright, retching and panicking, knowing I would be forced to eat, or go without.

I guess now it would be diagnosed as a sensory eating disorder, or ARFID.

Unless you have had to personally cope with this intensity of eating disorder - either yourself or your child - then you haven't a clue, sorry.

@Demonbubble... You're still with us, posting at 56, so it worked, surely? As an adult you can choose. And at 56, you're still blaming your parents...

My DS just turned 4 is fussy as hell. We've tried most of the things previous posters have suggested. He's such a passive resister now it would actually be quite amusing if he didn't waste so much food. We make zero fuss, do no cajoling or telling off. Either he ignores the food altogether or more comically pretends he really likes it, but still doesn't eat it. E.g. will say I love carrots. Please can I have carrots for tea? So we cook carrots, he enthusiastically puts them on his plate (all self serve), May even touch them to his lips and declares I love carrots, delicious! While not eating a bite! So no battle, but still no eating. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I suspect he's trying to get attention, because he's learnt he gets no reaction for not trying/not eating, but he really does only like eating a handful of foods.

XingMing My parents are both dead, so you can stuff your opinions where the sun don't shine.

knittingdad

I generally favour serving food and if they aren't interested they don't eat, unless they're too young to understand.

this we practice this is our home I choose what we’re making because I do all the shopping and cooking and I pay for the food eat it or go with out I am not running a Wagamama’s I don’t take orders and won’t be cooking separate meals

You’re alllowed to blame your parents for things they did that have had a lasting effect on you.